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501 The One After Ross Says Rachel

[Scene: Ross’s Wedding, continued from last season, the Minister is about to marry Ross and Emily.]

Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. (Time lapse) Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...

Ross: I Ross...

Minister: Take thee, Emily...

Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.

Minister: (Looking and feeling awkward. he looks towards Emily.) Uhh...Shall I go on?

Rachel: (To the woman sitting in front of her) He-he said Rachel, right? Do you think I should go up there?

Emily: Yes, yes, do go on.

Minister: I think we’d better start again. Ross, repeat after me. I, Ross…

Ross: I, Ross…

Minister: Take thee, EM-I-LY…

Ross: Take thee, (Glares at the Minister) Emily. (Chuckles) Like there’d be anybody else. (Emily is glaring at him.)

Minister: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Ross: As my lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, until death parts us. Really, I do. Emily. (Points at her.)

Minister: May I have the rings? (He is given the rings) Emily, place this ring on Ross’s finger as a symbol of your bond everlasting. (She jams the ring onto his finger) Ross, place this ring in Emily’s hand as a symbol of the love that encircles you forever.

Ross: Happy too.

Minister: Ross and Emily have made their declarations and it gives me great pleasure to declare them husband and wife.

Ross: Yay!

Minister: You may kiss the bride.

(He goes to kiss her, but she isn’t very receptive of the kiss. She keeps avoiding him, until Ross finally gets to kiss her on her cheek.)

Mrs. Geller: (To Mr. Geller) This is worse than when he married the lesbian.

(The band starts to play, and the recessional starts. Ross tries to take Emily’s hand, but she snatches it away from him.)

Emily: Just keep smiling.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.

Chandler: It could’ve been worse, he could’ve shot her.

(Ross and Emily make it to the lobby.)

Ross: (laughs) That uh, that was pretty funny. Wasn’t it?

(Emily gives him a forearm shot across the stomach.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Wedding reception, Ross and Emily are in the bathroom and Emily is yelling at him. Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are standing outside the doorway.]

Emily: (Yelling from inside the bathroom) You’ve spoiled everything! It’s like a nightmare! My friends and family are out there! How can I face them?! How can you do this to me?!

Joey: (To the gang) Hey, no matter what happens with Ross and Emily, we still get cake right?

Ross: (exiting the bathroom) That-that-that’s all right, no honey, you take your time sweetie. I’ll be right out here. (She slams the door in his face, to the gang) She’s just fixing her makeup.

Emily: I hate you!!

Ross: And, I love you!! (He walks into the living room)

Mr. Geller: Boy, bad time to say the wrong name, huh Ross?

Ross: That’s true, thanks dad. (To All) People should be dancing! Huh? Hey, this is a party! Come on! Joey, dance!! (He starts to dance but stops when no one else joins him.)

(Mrs. Waltham’s phone rings and she answers it.)

Mrs. Waltham: Yes, Waltham interiors.

Phoebe: (On the phone, in New York) Uh, hello, this is Ross Geller’s personal physician, Dr. Philange.

Mrs. Waltham: Who?

Phoebe: Yeah, I’ve discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine, uh, now without it, uh, in the brain of Ross, uh women’s names are interchangeable, through-through no fault of his own.

Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.

Phoebe: No, not Phoebe, Dr. Philange. Oh no! You have it too!

(Mrs. Waltham hangs up on her.)

Phoebe: Hello?

(Cut to Chandler and Monica at the buffet table.)

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Chandler: Oh wow, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but, I know we had plans to meet up tonight and, ugh, I’m just kinda worried about what it might do to our friendship.

Monica: I know. How could we have let this happen?

Chandler: Seven times!

Monica: Ugh! Well, y’know, we were away…

Chandler: In a foreign, romantic country…

Monica: I blame London.

Chandler: Bad London! (Takes a spoon and smacks the turkey.)

Monica: So look umm, while we’re st-still in London, I mean, we can keep doing it right?

Chandler: Well, I don’t see that we have a choice. But, when we’re back home, we don’t do it.

Monica: Only here.

Chandler: Y’know, I saw a wine cellar downstairs…

Monica: I’ll meet you there in two minutes.

Chandler: Okay!

(He throws down his plate and runs to the wine cellar, Monica is about to follow him but is intercepted by Rachel.)

Rachel: Mon, honey, I gotta ask you something.

Monica: (impatiently) Now?

Rachel: Ross said my name up there, I mean, come on, I just can’t pretend that didn’t happen can I?

Monica: Oh, I-I don’t know.

Rachel: Monica, what should I do?

Monica: Just uh, do the right thing. (Uses some breath spray)

Rachel: What?

Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa, wait, listen, I think I’m just gonna talk to Ross about what he think it meant.

Monica: Wait. Rachel, no, he’s married. Married! If you don’t realize that, I can’t help you.

Rachel: Okay, you’re right. You’re right. You can’t help me.

(Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Geller.)

Mrs. Geller: Jack, is it all our fault? Were we bad parents?

Mr. Waltham: (walking by) Yes.

Mr. Geller: Oh yeah, well who serves steak when there’s no place to sit, I mean how are you supposed to eat this?

Joey: Hey, what’s up? (He has solved the problem of eating the steak, he’s eating it with his hands.)

(Cut to Monica and Chandler, Monica is running up to him.)

Monica: Where were you? We were supposed to meet in the wine cellar?

Chandler: Forget it, that’s off.

Monica: Why?!

Mr. Waltham: (drunkenly) The next tour of the wine cellar will plan in two in-in minutes…

(Joey walks up to them.)

Monica: Joey, what are you doing? You promised Phoebe you wouldn’t eat meat until she has the babies!

Joey: Well, I figured we’re in another country, so it doesn’t count.

Monica: That’s true.

Chandler: The man’s got a point.

(Cut to Rachel and Ross.)

Rachel: Oh, hi!

Ross: Hi!

Rachel: Hi. Sorry, things aren’t working out so well.

Ross: Oh no! It could be better, but it’s gonna be okay, right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Of course, I mean, she’s gonna get over this, y’know? I mean, so you said my name! Y’know you just said it ‘cause you saw me there, if you’d have seen a circus freak, you would’ve said, "I take thee circus freak." Y’know, it didn’t mean anything, it’s just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. Right?

Ross: No! No! Of course it didn’t mean anything! I mean, uh well, I can understand why Emily would think it meant something, y’know, because-because it was you…

Rachel: Right…

Ross: But it absolutely didn’t. (Yelling towards the bathroom) It didn’t!! It didn’t!!

Joey: (approaching) Ross, hey, the band’s ready outside for your first dance with Emily, so…

Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the band’s ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band says—I don’t care about the stupid band!!

Joey: You spit on me man! (Wipes his face.)

Ross: Look, I’m sorry.

Joey: Emily is kinda taking a long time, huh?

Rachel: (laughs) Y’know when I locked myself in the bathroom at my wedding, it was because I was trying to pop the window out of the frame.

Ross: Oh, right!

Rachel: Get the hell out of there, y’know?

(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)

Ross: (Bangs on the bathroom door) Emily? Emily? I’m coming in. (He opens the door to reveal that the window is gone, along with Emily.)

Rachel: Well, look at that, same thing.

[Scene: London Marriott, Monica and Chandler are walking to her room.]

Chandler: Listen, in the middle of everything if I scream the word, "Yippee!" just ignore me.

(She laughs and opens the door to reveal Rachel sitting on the bed.)

Monica: Oh my God, Rachel! Hi!

Chandler: Oh, hello Rachel.

Rachel: Ross said my name. Okay? My name. Ross said my name up there that obviously means that he still loves me! (They both just stare at her.) Okay, don’t believe me, I know I’m right—do you guys want to go downstairs and get a drink?

Chandler: Yes, we do. But, we have to change first.

Monica: Yes, I want to change. And why-why don’t you go down and get us a table?

Chandler: Yeah, we’ll be down in like five minutes.

Monica: (elbows him) Fifteen minutes.

Rachel: Okay.

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello? Oh, Pheebs! (To them) It’s Phoebe!

Chandler: Oh, yay…

Monica: Great…

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi, so what happened?

Rachel: Well, Ross said my name.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but I don’t think that means anything.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, y’know what, let’s look at this objectively all right? Ninth grade, right? The obsession starts. All right? The summer after ninth grade he sees me in a two-piece for the first time, his obsession begins to grow. So then…

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey, listen, why don’t we go change in my room?

Monica: But my clothes are—ohh! (They both leave.)

(Cut to Chandler’s room, he opens the door slowly to see if Joey is there and after seeing that he isn’t, ushers Monica into the room, closes the door, and the security bar.)

Chandler: Wow, you look…

Monica: No time for that!

(They both start to frantically rip each other’s clothes off, but are interrupted when Joey tries to open the door.)

Joey: Hey, dude, let me in. I got a girl out here!

Chandler: Well, I’ve got a girl in here.

Joey: No you don’t, I just saw you go in there with Monica!

Chandler: Well, we’re-we’re hanging out in here!

Joey: Look, which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?

Chandler: Well, I suppose I’d have to say you!! But, what if we’re watching a movie in here?

Monica: Which we are, and-and we already paid for it. It’s My Giant!

Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, Chandler and Monica are still looking for a place to do the deed.]

Monica: You really think this is okay?

Chandler: Well, Ross and Emily aren’t gonna use it.

Monica: Oh, it’s so beautiful. Ohh! Y’know, I-I don’t know if I feel right about this.

Chandler: Oh Mon-Mon-Mon-Mon-look, this is the honeymoon suite. The room expects sex. The room would be disappointed if it didn’t get sex. All of the other honeymoon suites would think it was a loser.

Monica: Okay!

Chandler: Okay!

(They both run to rip the covers off the bed, but are interrupted by Ross.)

Ross: (entering) Emily?!

Chandler: Nope, not under here!

Monica: You didn’t find her?

Ross: No, I’ve looked everywhere!

Chandler: Well, you couldn’t have looked everywhere or else you would’ve found her!

Monica: Yeah, I think you should keep looking!

Chandler: Yeah, for about 30 minutes.

Monica: Or 45.

Chandler: Wow, in 45 minutes you can find her twice. (Monica smiles at that.)

Ross: No! For all I know, she’s trying to find me but couldn’t because I kept moving around. No, from now on, I’m staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.

Monica: Well, it’s getting late.

Chandler: Yeah, we’re gonna go.

Ross: Actually, do you guys mind staying here for a while?

Monica: Ugh, y’know, umm we gotta get up early and catch that plane for New York.

Chandler: Yeah, it’s a very large plane.

Ross: (disappointed) That’s cool.

Chandler: But, we’ll stay here with you.

Ross: Thanks guys! (They both sit down on either side of him.) I really appreciate this, y’know, but you don’t have to rub my butt.

(Chandler slowly takes his hand away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross and Emily’s room, the next morning. Ross is now asleep and has his head in Monica’s lap and his feet on Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both still awake and depressed.]

Chandler: We have to leave for New York in an hour.

Monica: I know, I’ve been looking at those doors, they look pretty sound proof, don’t you think?

Chandler: We can’t do that that’s insane. I mean ‘A’ he could wake up and ‘B’ y’know, let’s go for it.

(They both try to slowly extricate themselves from Ross, but there’s a knock on the door that awakens him.)

Ross: Em-Emily? (Looking around for her.) Em-Emily? (He runs to the door.) Emily! (He opens the door to reveal the Walthams standing outside.)

Mr. Waltham: No.

Mrs. Waltham: You can forget about Emily, she’s not with us.

Mr. Waltham: We’ve come for her things.

Ross: Wait, well wh-wh-wh-where is she?

Mr. Waltham: She’s in hiding. She’s utterly humiliated. She doesn’t want to see you ever again.

Mrs. Waltham: We’re very sad that it didn’t work out between you and Emily, monkey. But, I think you’re absolutely delicious.

Mr. Waltham: Excuse me, I’m standing right here!

Mrs. Waltham: Oh yes, there you are.

Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, there’s a whole cart outside… (Sees the Walthams and stops.)

Mr. Waltham: Goodbye Geller.

Ross: Now, hold on! Hold on! (Stops him) Look, look, your daughter and I are supposed to leave tonight for our honeymoon, now-now you-you tell her that I’m gonna be at that airport and I hope that she’ll be there too! Oh yeah, I said Rachel’s name, but it didn’t mean anything, Okay? She’s-she’s just a friend and that’s all! (Rachel sits down, depressed.) That’s all! Now just tell Emily that I love her and that I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. Please, promise me that you’ll tell her that.

Mr. Waltham: All right, I’ll tell her. (To his wife) Come on bugger face!

Mrs. Waltham: (As she walks pass Ross, she pats his but.) Call me.

Mr. Waltham: You spend half your life in the bathroom, why don’t you ever go out the bloody window!

[Scene: A 747 somewhere over the North Atlantic, Monica and Chandler are sitting in first class, depressed.]

Monica: Y’know, maybe it’s best that we never got to do it again.

Chandler: Yeah, it kinda makes that-that one night special. (Realizes something) Y’know, technically we still are over international waters.

Monica: I’m gonna go to the bathroom, maybe I’ll see you there in a bit?

Chandler: ‘Kay!

(Monica gets up and heads for the bathroom, Chandler turns to watch her go and is startled to see Joey sitting in Monica’s seat.)

Joey: Can I ask you something?

Chandler: Uhh, no.

Joey: Felicity and I, we’re watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "I’m never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think I’m just wasting my life with this acting thing?

Chandler: No.

Joey: I mean, the giant is like five years younger than me, y’know, you think I’ll ever get there?

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Thanks man.

Chandler: Okay man. (Chandler starts to get up.)

Joey: But what about how much taller he is than me?

(Time lapse, Chandler is finishing his third little bottle of booze.)

Joey: I mean, there’s no way I can make myself taller now, y’know? And who knows what science will come up with in the future, but Chandler, what if I die an unsuccessful, regular sized man?

(Monica returns.)

Joey: Hey, Monica, wow you’ve been in the bathroom for like a half-hour.

Monica: I know!

Joey: Had the beef-tips, huh?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating cereal from a bowl she has balanced on her stomach as Joey, Chandler, and Monica return.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Hi!

(They all hug.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) You ate meat! (Joey is shocked) (To Chandler and Monica) You had sex! (They’re shocked.)

Chandler: No we didn’t!

Phoebe: I know you didn’t, I was talking about Monica.

Monica: Phoebe, I did not have sex.

Phoebe: This pregnancy is throwing me all off.

Joey: All right, I’m gonna go say hi the chick and the duck.

Phoebe: Oh, me too!

Joey: Why would you need to say hi to them, you’ve been feeding them for four days?

Phoebe: Oh right, maybe I’ll just go home.

(She grabs her bag and leaves, Joey moves a little quicker to his apartment, leaving Monica and Chandler alone.)

Monica: Well, we certainly are alone.

Chandler: Yes! Good thing we have that, ‘Not in New York’ rule.

Monica: Right. Umm, listen since we’re-we-re on that subject, umm, I just wanted to tell you that uh, well, I-I was going through a really hard time in London, what with my brother getting married and that guy thinking I was Ross’s mother…

Chandler: Right.

Monica: Well, an-anyway, I just—that night meant a lot to me, I guess I’m just trying to say thanks.

Chandler: Oh. Y’know, that night meant a lot to me too, and it wasn’t because I was in a bad place or anything, it just meant a lot to me ‘cause, you’re really hot! Is that okay?

Monica: (laughs) That’s okay.

Chandler: And I’m cute too.

Monica: And you’re cute too.

Chandler: Thank you! (They hug.) All right, I gotta go unpack.

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Bye.

(After he closes the door, Monica starts to follow him, but thinks better of it and stops.)

Chandler: (entering) I’m still on London time, does that count?

Monica: That counts!

Chandler: Oh, good! (They start kissing.)

[Scene: An airport in London, Ross is waiting for Emily to show up to go on their honeymoon and sees Rachel walking past.]

Ross: Rach! Rach!

Rachel: (she stops and turns) Hi!

Ross: Hi! What are you, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I’ve been on Standby for a flight home for hours.

Ross: Oh.

Rachel: Ohh, so no sign of Emily huh?

Ross: Not yet.

Rachel: So umm, what time are you supposed to leave?

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the last call for Flight 1066 to Athens. The last call.

Ross: Pretty soon I guess.

Rachel: Yeah. I’m sorry.

Ross: I just, I don’t understand, I mean, how-how can she do this? Y’know, what, am I, am I like a complete idiot for thinking that she’d actually show up?

Rachel: No, you’re not an idiot, Ross. You’re a guy very much in love.

Ross: Same difference.

Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.

Ross: I get it! Well, that’s that.

Rachel: No, you know what, I think you should go.

Ross: What?

Rachel: Yeah, I do. I think you should go, by yourself, get some distance, clear your head, I think it’d be really good.

Ross: Oh, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t know…

Rachel: Oh, come on Ross! I think it would be really good for you!

Ross: I could, yeah, I can do that.

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: I can’t, I can’t even believe her! No, y’know what, I am, I am gonna go!

Rachel: Good!

Ross: I know, why not?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Right?

Rachel: Right!

Ross: Y’know—thanks! (They hug)

Rachel: Okay, I’ll see you back at home, if I ever get a flight out of here.

Ross: Yeah, well…nah.

Rachel: What? Wait, what?

Ross: Why don’t you come, I mean, I-I have two tickets, why not?

Rachel: Well-well, I don’t know Ross—really?

Ross: Yeah, yeah, it’ll be great! You can, you can lay on the beach and I can cry over my failed marriage. See-see how I make jokes?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Ross: No really, I mean, I mean, God, I could use a friend.

Rachel: Oh wow, uh okay, uh maybe. Umm, yes, I can do that!

Ross: Okay!

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: Cool!

Rachel: All right!

Ross: Come on! (They go to the jetway, Ross hands the tickets to the gate agent.) Here.

Rachel: Oh, okay, we’re going. Yeah.

Ross: Ah! Ah! I forgot my jacket!

Rachel: Oh, wait-wait-wait…

Ross: You tell them to wait!

Rachel: Okay. Wait! Wait!

(Ross retrieves his jacket and sees that not only has Emily arrived, but she as seen Rachel take her place on the plane.)

Ross: Emily.

(She stares at him and Ross realizes what she’s thinking.)

Ross: Oh no-no-no! Oh-no! (Emily starts to run out and Ross chases her.) No! No! Emily!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Flight 1066 to Athens, Rachel is ordering a drink for Ross and herself.]

Rachel: Ahh, yes, I will have a glass of the Merlot and uh, (points to Ross’s seat.) he will have a white wine spritzer. Woo! (Looks out the window.) Hey, look at that, the airport’s moving. (Realizes that that’s not how it works.) Hey, are we moving?! Are we moving? Why are we moving? Hey, time-out, umm, yeah, does the captain know that we’re moving? (Sits back in defeat.) Oh my God. Oh, my gosh.

End

501 罗斯说漏嘴以后

亲友们，今天我们很高兴

能分享罗斯与艾蜜莉结合的喜悦

现在，罗斯请跟着我复述

我，罗斯

要迎娶艾蜜莉

要迎娶瑞秋

艾蜜莉

还要继续吗?

他说"瑞秋"，对吗?

我应该站上去吗?

是的，请继续

我想我们重来吧

罗斯，请覆颂

我，罗斯

要迎娶"艾-蜜-莉"

要迎娶艾蜜莉

这里又没别人

成为我合法妻子

无论病痛

至死不渝

成为我合法妻子

无论病痛

至死不渝

我真的会，艾蜜莉

戒指

艾蜜莉，请给罗斯带上戒指

代表两人从此合为一体

罗斯，请给艾蜜莉带上戒指

代表两人永无止尽的爱

乐意之至

罗斯与艾蜜莉已经宣示

我很高兴在此宣布他们成为夫妻

你可以亲吻新娘

这比他娶那个同性恋更糟

保持微笑

好吧

一切还好啊

可以更糟，他可以拿枪杀了她

刚才真是有趣，对不?

你毁了一切

拜托...

根本是恶梦一场

麻烦小声一点...

外面都是我的亲友

叫我怎么见人?

门外有其他人

你怎能这样对我?

拜托，小声点

不管他们俩人怎样

还是有结婚蛋糕吃，对吗?

没...没事的

你慢慢冷静下来，我就在门外

她只是在补妆而已

我恨你!!

我也爱你!!

你真会挑时间说错名字

是啊，谢了，老爸

大家应该跳舞啊

这是个派对!!

乔依，跳舞!!

你好，华氏设计

你好，我是罗斯的心理医生

费兰基医生

谁?

罗斯忘了带他的头脑药

所以罗斯会记错女人的名字

所以这不是他的错

天啊，是菲碧

不是菲碧，是费医生

你也有这毛病

我希望你不要会错意

我知道我们今天晚上要碰面

我只是担心会影响我们的友谊

我知道

我们怎么会让此事发生?

七次!

要知道，我们在国外

在一个很罗曼蒂克的异乡

都是伦敦的错

坏伦敦!

不过，我们既然还在伦敦

我们就可以继续做，对吗?

我想我们没得选择

但是一回家就不能做了

只能在这里

我看到下面有个酒窖

两分钟后在那里见

好的

莫妮卡，我要问你一件事

现在?

罗斯在圣坛上说了我的名字

我不能装做没看见啊

我不知道

莫妮卡，我该怎么办?

做正确的事

什么?

就事论事，按部就班，置身事外!

等等，听着

我想我要去问罗斯他的想法

什么? 等一下

瑞秋，不行，他结婚了

结婚了

如果你不认清这点，我帮不上忙

你是对的

你帮不上忙

杰克，是我们的错吗?

我们是坏父母吗?

是的

是吗?

是谁没座位还让我们吃牛排?

你要我们怎么吃嘛

怎么样?

你去哪里了?

我们不是要在酒窖碰面吗?

算了，放弃吧

为什么?

酒窖下次参观在两分钟后...

乔依，你在干嘛?

你答应菲碧要吃素到孩子出生

我想既然在国外就不算了

也对

他说的有道理

真遗憾出了些状况

没有，事情会好转的

一切都会没事，对吧?

当然，她会没事的

我是说，你只是说出了我的名字

只是因为你看到了我

如果你看到的是个疯子

你会说"我要迎娶疯子"

那不代表什么

只是个小误会，没什么的

是吧?

当然不代表什么

我能了解艾蜜莉以为会有什么

因为那是你的名字

但真的没有什么

真的没有! 没有!

罗斯，乐队在等新人的第一支舞

乐队准备好了?

我们一定得听乐队的，对吗?

我才不管笨乐队怎么说!

你吐我口水!

对不起

艾蜜莉在里面好久了

当我婚礼把自己关起来时

我是在努力将窗户拆下

想办法逃出这里

艾蜜莉...

我进来了

看吧，跟我一样

如果我突然大叫"好爽"

装做没听见

天啊，瑞秋

你好，瑞秋

罗斯说了我的名字

我的名字，他说了我的名字

那表示他还深爱着我

信不信由你，我是对的

你们想下楼去喝一杯吗?

好啊，但是我们得换衣服

我也想换衣服

你先下楼占位置

对，我们五分钟后下去

十五分钟

好

喂? 是菲碧

好极了

发生什么事?

罗斯说了我的名字

我知道，但是我想那没什么

好吧，菲碧

让我们很客观的看待此事

高一时，他迷上了我

高一暑假时，

他第一次看我穿两截式泳装

从此就迷恋上我

去我房间换衣服如何?

我的衣服在...

哇，你好美...

没时间了

兄弟，让我进去

我带了个女孩子

我这里也有女孩子

才没有，我看到你跟莫妮卡进去

我们..我们在聊天

你说我们谁比较有机会上床呢?

我想我应该说"是你"!!

我们正在一起看电影

没错，已经付费看"我的巨人"

我的巨人? 我好爱那部电影

这样真的可以吗?

罗斯与艾蜜莉不会来了

好漂亮啊

我不肯定这样做是好的

莫妮...

这是蜜月套房

一个必须有性的房间

如果没有房间会很失望

其他的蜜月套房会嘲笑它

好吧!

艾蜜莉?!

没有!不在这下面!

你找到她了吗?

没有，我到处找遍了

不可能，不然你就找到她了

我想你应该继续找

对，找个三十分钟

或四十五分钟?

四十五分钟内你能找到她两次了

不，我猜想她正在找我

而我却一直在移动

现在起我要留在这里等她

时间很晚了

该走了

你们能陪我一下吗?

我们明天得早起搭飞机

是啊，很大的飞机

好吧

但我们愿意陪你

谢谢!

真的很感谢你们

但你不需要戳我屁股

还有一小时就要回纽约

我知道，我一直看着门

好像隔音很好的样子

不能这样，这太疯狂了

第一，他可能会醒来

第二.......来吧

艾蜜莉...

不是

你可以放弃了，她没跟我们在一起

我们来拿她的东西

等一下，她在哪里?

她躲起来了，她感到很羞辱

她不想再看到你

我们很遗憾

你与艾蜜莉不能成为夫妻

猴子

但我觉得你帅极了

对不起，我人在这里

是的，你在那里

快一点，快点去拿

外面有一整车耶

再见，姓盖的

等一下...

你们的女儿与我今晚应该渡蜜月

现在你们告诉她

我会去机场，我希望她也去

虽然我说了瑞秋的名字

但那不代表什么

她只是个朋友，如此而已

告诉艾蜜莉我很爱她

我的生命中不能没有她

拜托，答应我你会转告她

好吧，我会告诉她

走吧，坏女人

打电话给我

你有半辈子都在厕所里

为何你从未由窗户出去?

我想我们不该再做了

是啊，这会让那晚更特别

技术上，我们还在国际水域上

我要去洗手间，待会儿那儿见?

好

我可以问你一件事吗?

不行

费莉丝与我在看"我的巨人"

我想我的演技永远比不上巨人

我是不是该放弃做演员?

不是

那个巨人比我年轻五岁

你想我能跟他一样好?

是的

谢了

别客气

但是巨人比我高很多

我不可能再长高了

谁又知道未来会有什么科技?

但是，钱德

要是我一辈子就是

不成功，普通尺寸的演员怎么办?

莫妮卡，你去厕所半小时了

我知道!

一号出不来吗?

菲碧!

你吃肉了!

你做爱了!

我们没有啊!

我知道你没有，我是说莫妮卡

菲碧，我没有做爱

怀孕彻底影响了我

我要去跟小鸡小鸭打招呼

我也要

你为何要打招呼?

你不是喂了它们四天吗?

好吧，那我回家了

现在真的只剩下我们俩

还好我们有"纽约不做"的协定

对

既然我们谈到这个话题

我只是想告诉你

我在伦敦时很难过

因为我哥哥结婚

还有人以为我是罗斯的妈妈

无论如何，那晚对我很重要

我只是想跟你道谢

那晚对我也很重要

我是没有心情很坏

它很特别是因为你很热情

这样可以吗?

可以

我也很可爱吧?

你也很可爱

谢谢

我要回去整理了

再见

我还在伦敦时间，这样算吗?

绝对算

好极了

瑞秋...

你在这里做什么?

我在这里候补机位很久了

艾蜜莉没出现?

还没有

飞机什么时候起飞?

这是飞雅典1066班机的最后通知

我想很快了

我很遗憾

我真是不了解

她怎能这样对我?

我希望她出现是很愚蠢的吗?

你不愚蠢，罗斯

那是因为你很爱她

还不是一样

所有1066班机乘客请立刻登机

我听到了!

就这样了

你知道吗?你应该自己去

什么?

没错，你应该自己去

到远处冷静想想

那会对你很好

我...我不知道

来吧，罗斯，对你有好处的

我...我是可以自己去

我不敢相信她会这样

你知道吗?我决定自己去

好极了

何乐不为?

谢谢你

我们回家再见

如果我能坐上飞机回家的话

喂...算了

什么?等一下

你跟我去如何?

反正我有两张机票，何不呢?

我不知道，罗斯

这样好吗?

当然，这会很棒

你可以躺在沙滩上

我则为失败婚姻哭个没完

看到我说笑话没?

我很需要个朋友

好吧，或许...

我能帮上忙

好极了

给你

我们一起去希腊

我忘了夹克

等一下...

叫他们等我一下

好的

艾蜜莉...

不，不，不...

天啊，艾蜜莉...

是的，请给我一杯红酒

给他一杯白酒

机场在动耶

我们在动吗?为何我们在动?

机长知道我们在动吗?

我的天啊!

502 The One With All The Kissing

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Bathroom, Chandler and Monica are sharing a candlelight bubble bath while drinking champagne and they clink their glasses.]

Monica: You look cute in bubbles.

Chandler: Ehh, you're just liquored up.

(They move into kiss but are interrupted by Joey knocking on the door.)

Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!

(Monica quickly dives under the water as Joey enters. He looks a little shocked at what Chandler's doing.)

Chandler: I've had a very long, hard day.

Joey: Ahh, I'm gonna go get some chicken. Want some?

Chandler: Ahh, no thanks. No chicken, bye-bye then.

Joey: Okay.

(Joey turns to leave but stops at the door.)

Joey: You sure? Some extra crispy? Dirty rice? Beans?

Chandler: For the last time no! Get out! Get out, Joey!

Joey: All right!

(Joey leaves and Monica comes up for air.)

Chandler: Are you okay? I'm so sorry, he wouldn't leave. He kept asking me about chicken.

Monica: Chicken? I could eat some chicken.

Chandler: Hey Joe!

(Monica goes back underwater as Joey re-enters.)

Chandler: Yeah, can I get a 3-piece, some cole slaw, some beans, and a Coke-(Yelps in

pain as Monica grabs him underwater)-Diet Coke.

(Joey gives him a thumbs up and heads for the chicken.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are eating breakfast.]

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!

Joey: Mornin' Pheebs!

Phoebe: I have to tell you this story. Okay, I was coming over here and this driver…

Joey: (interrupting) Was his name Angus? (Monica and Chandler laugh.)

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Oh, he was this cab driver we had in London.

Phoebe: Oh. Ha-ha-ha. All right, anyway…

Monica: Wait, what that place, that pub he took us too?

Chandler: Uh, The Wheatsheaf.

Joey: Yeah-yeah-yeah, and they had that beer! That uh…

Monica: Bodington's!

All: Bodington's! Woohoo! (And they all high-five each other.)

Chandler: Ooh! Ahh, Pheebs, was gonna tell a story.

Phoebe: Yeah, so, he had a really funny hat—I don't want to talk about it.

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Joey: Hey, Ross, Bodington's!

Ross: Yeah! (They high-five.)

Joey: That was good beer.

Ross: Ohh…

Joey: Y'know, I'd walk back to London for another frosty one of those bad boys.

Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center.

Joey: Later! (Exits.)

Ross: Isn't Rachel supposed to be back by now?

Monica: Yeah, but her plane got delayed in Athens. But actually, (Checks watch) she should be here by now.

Ross: Oh, so-so you talked to her. Did she, did she sound mad?

Monica: No, but she likes me. You abandoned her on a plane to Greece.

Ross: Okay, I did not abandon Rachel! Okay? Emily showed up at the airport! I had to go after her! I mean, I-I did what I had to do! She's my wife! Rachel is my wife! Y'know—Emily! Emily, is my wife! Man, what is that?

Phoebe: So you still hadn't heard from Emily?

Ross: No, not since I lost her at the airport.

Chandler: I can't believe she can out run you man!

Ross: HEY, SHE'S FAST!! OKAY?!! (Chandler is so shocked at Ross's outburst that he drops his spoon and backs up) Oh! You-you think you can be beat me? Let's go! Outside!!

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

All: Hey! (They all go hug her, except for Ross.)

Ross: Rach, Rach, I am so sorry. I am so-so sorry.

Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! You just did what you had to do.

Ross: That's it? You're not mad? I mean, it must've been terrible.

Rachel: Terrible? Hell, I was in Greece! That was a nice hotel! Nice beach, met the nice people. Not to shabby for Rachel. (Goes and puts her luggage away.)

Ross: So, what? That's it?

Rachel: Well, yeah! We're cool. Totally cool.

Ross: Oh, thanks. Oh, you're the best. (They hug.)

Rachel: Oh no, you're the best.

Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again.

Chandler: Oh, Ross, when you make out card; be sure to make it out to, EM-I-LY.

(Ross bangs his fists together to tell Chandler off, like what was learned last season. Read about it here.)

Monica: Rach, that's great! It's so good that you had a good time in Greece!

Rachel: What?! I didn't have a good time in Greece! Ross abandoned me! Okay, I couldn't get a plane out, so I had to stay in their honeymoon suite with people coming up to me all the time going, "Oh, Mrs. Geller, why are you crying?" I mean, it was sooo humiliating. I felt like such an idiot! I mean, it's all my fault! And you know why, because I make very bad decisions.

Chandler: Oh that's not true.

Rachel: Yes it is! It is true! I went, I went after Ross in stupid London.

Phoebe: London is stupid! Stupid!

Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.

Phoebe: Oh… No, I did that for someone once and I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

Monica: I'll do it!

Rachel: That's fine. So Monica, you are now in control of my love life.

Chandler: Okay, I gotta go to work.

(He gets up and gives Monica a rather passionate kiss as Rachel and Phoebe look on in amazement. After the kiss ends, Chandler suddenly realizes what he just did, so he decides to do something rather rash.)

Chandler: And uh, Rachel, glad to have you back.

(He goes over and gives Rachel the same treatment he gave Monica, only Rachel is shocked.)

Chandler: Pheebs! (He goes over and kisses Phoebe, who is also stunned.) Always a pleasure. (And he struts out leaving the girls to stare at each other.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey are there looking at pictures from the trip to London.]

Monica: Oh, Rachel, sweetie, look, here's a really cute picture of Joey and you at the reception.

Rachel: Ohh, he's married! Ross is married. I can't—I still can't believe it. (Rachel grabs the picture from Monica)

Monica: Honey, sweetie, by the edges.

Rachel: I mean, y'know I'm just gonna have to accept it (She grabs the rest of the pictures)…

Monica: Ohh. (Monica covers her eyes in horror.)

Rachel: …I mean it's my fault.

Monica: Sweetie! Edges! Fingers! Smudgey! Pictures!

Rachel: Oh my God! (She licks the top picture and hands them back.)

Monica: Okay. That's okay. I-I know that you're very upset right now. I know, I know that wasn't about me.

Joey: (To Chandler) I bet it was about her a little.

Monica: If you would stop thinking about Ross for one minute you would notice that there are great guys everywhere! I mean, look! Look, Gunther! (Gunther turns to listen in.) I mean, he's nice, he's cute.

Rachel: Yeah, I guess Gunther is kinda…

Monica: (Interrupting) Oh, what about that guy over there? (She points at another guy and Gunther is deflated.) Remember? That is the guy you flirted with at the counter that time.

Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Monica: You're going to talk to him! Y'know what? We made a deal, I make your decisions and I say you're going to talk to him.

Rachel: All right, you're the boss. I guess I gotta do what you tell me.

Joey: Say that to him and you're golden. (She just glares at him.)

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs!

Monica: We got out pictures back from London. (Shows her one.) Here's all of us at the Tower of London.

Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.)

Chandler: All right, y'know what, we've been talking about London too much haven't we?

Phoebe: No. I'm sorry. It's just 'cause I couldn't be there. 'Cause all I ever get to do now is pregnant stuff, it just bums me out.

All: Sorry.

(Rachel returns.)

Monica: What happened?

Rachel: Well, y'know, a little of this, a little of that. Got myself a date tomorrow night.

Monica: See, didn't I tell you?! You're getting over Ross already!

Rachel: Well…

(Gunther goes up to the guy and holds a sign that reads, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.")

Gunther: (To the guy) Get out!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters to find Monica waiting patiently for him. He closes the door and they start kissing.]

Monica: What took you so long?

Chandler: I got caught up and work, but I'm quitting tomorrow.

Monica: Oh, good.

(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)

Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)

Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?!

Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London.

Rachel: That's not European!

Phoebe: Well, it felt French.

(Joey is intrigued.)

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Rachel is returning from her date with Dave.]

Rachel: Oh God, I really had a good time!

Dave: Yeah, me too. (They reach her door.) So, I guess this is it.

Rachel: Yeah. Umm, unless you wanna come inside?

Dave: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay. Oh, uh, wait a minute, y'know what? I uh, I can't decide this. Umm, okay, just hold on a second.

Dave: Okay, yeah!

(She enters the apartment, leaving Dave in the hallway, to find Ross sitting on the couch with a big box.)

Rachel: Umm, hi!

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Is Monica around? I-I have to ask her something.

Ross: She's doing her laundry.

Rachel: What's that? (Points to the box.)

Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!

Rachel: Oh, honey that's awful.

Ross: Oh, it's not so bad. Monica's gonna make potpourri! I think I'm gonna go wander out in the rain for a while.

Rachel: But, it's not raining.

Ross: I can't catch a break!

Rachel: Y'know what Ross? You're not going anywhere. You're gonna sit right here. I'm gonna make you a cup of tea and we're gonna talk this thing whole out. All right? (She goes out to talk to Dave) Hey, Dave!

Dave: Yeah?

Rachel: Umm, listen, I'm gonna need to take a rain check, my roommate is just really sick. Okay? Bye! (She goes back in to talk to Ross.) Honey, listen, I know, I know things seem so bad right now.

Monica: (Poking her head in) Rach? Can I talk to for just a minute? I-I dropped some socks.

Rachel: Yeah. (She goes out to join her in the hall and starts looking for the dropped socks.)

Monica: What is the matter with you?! Do you want to fall into the trap? Do you want to fall into the trap?!

Rachel: Ohh! You did not drop any socks!

Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?

Rachel: Well, ultimately, I was trying y'know, I-I wanted…tell him y'know, that I'm still in love with him.

Monica: (Gasps) What?!! You cannot tell him that!!

Rachel: Why? Why not?! People love to hear that!

Monica: I make the decisions, and I say no.

Rachel: Well, y'know what, no, you do not make my decisions because y'know what, you're fired.

Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired!" Ha!

Rachel: Well… (At a loss for words, she grabs some of Monica's laundry and throws it on the floor as a diversion to allow Rachel to run back inside and close the door. Monica chases her to find that Rachel had locked the door.)

Monica: Rachel!! Come on! Let me in!

Joey: (Poking his head out.) Havin' some trouble?

Monica: Rachel locked the door.

Joey: I'll kick that door in if you give me a little sugar.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The hallway, continued from earlier. Monica is still locked out.]

Monica: Rachel! Let me in! Rachel!

[Cut to inside the apartment, Ross decides to let Monica in and goes over and opens the door in mid-pound.]

Monica: Thank you. Rachel, can I talk to you outside for a sec?

Rachel: No.

Monica: I really need to talk to you.

Rachel: Well, then talk!

Monica: Okay, I will. Remember that thing that we just discussed that you wanted to do?

Rachel: Yes!

Ross: What thing?

Monica: Well, Rachel wants to take swing dance lessons. Which I think is a really stupid idea! It's dangerous, she's never gonna get what she wants, and who knows who she might (Turns to look at Ross) end up hurting.

Ross: Monica's right, swing dancing can be tricky. I'm gonna use the phone. I gotta cancel those five giant teddy bears I sent to Emily. (Looks at the rose mulch.) My God, think of the massacre.

Rachel: I'm gonna do it.

Monica: All right, Rachel, I know-I know you think I'm crazy, please, before you tell him you love him, just-just try to find one person who thinks this is a good idea. Because I bet you, you can't.

Rachel: But I…

Monica: Please!

Rachel: All right, fine.

(There's a loud bang on the door.)

Monica: Joey, I'm in!

Joey: (In tremendous pain) All right. Good deal.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters.]

All: Pheebs! Hey Pheebs!

Joey: Uh, okay, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: Umm, y'know how the other day you were talking about how you didn't get to go to London and how you were kinda feeling left out?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Joey: All right, well, we felt really bad about that so we decided we should all take a little trip together!

Phoebe: Ohh, that's so nice! How great! Well, where? Where's the trip?!

Monica: Well, we thought we would all go to a picnic (Phoebe gasps), in Central Park!

Phoebe: (excited) Central…(not so excited) Park!

Joey: Yeah, all of us! All day!

Phoebe: That sucks! That's not a trip! I just came from the park! What are we gonna high five about at the stupid Central Park? "Well, it's right by my house, all right!"

Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just—y'know—stop it!

Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.

Phoebe: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.

Monica: Makes me wanna puke! (Chandler looks at her, quizzically.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]

Ross: Hey everybody, Pheebs is here!

Joey: Phoebe!

Chandler: Hey, Pheebs!

Rachel: Phoebe, woo!

Phoebe: Okay, woo! Hi.

Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little… Y'know, it didn't have any… It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!

Phoebe: Ooh, Atlantic City! Oh, that's a great plan! Who's plan was that?

Joey: Mine!

Ross: Wait! It was my plan.

Joey: Nooo, I said we needed a new plan.

Ross: And, I came up with Atlantic City.

Joey: Which, is the new plan!

Monica: Okay, well, why don't we all meet upstairs in an hour?

Phoebe: Okay! Ooh-ahh, I'm gonna go pack. I'm gonna go pack my ass off!

(They all go pack except for Ross.)

Monica: Come on Rach, let's go.

Rachel: Yeah, y'know what? I'm-I'm gonna meet you upstairs in a minute.

Monica: No! Rachel, you didn't find anyone so you can't tell him.

Rachel: Well, y'know what, that doesn't matter.

Monica: Okay, Rachel, do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back?

Rachel: Yeah, I-I don't care.

Monica: Okay. I-I can't watch. (Leaves as sits down to read the paper.)

Rachel: What 'cha readin'?

Ross: The paper.

Rachel: Yeah, what's it about?

Ross: Events from around the globe.

Rachel: Okay. Uhh, Ross, y'know what, there's something that I-that I have to talk to you about and everybody's saying that I shouldn't tell you, but I think they're wrong. I mean, and you know how people can be wrong.

Ross: Sure. Once, at work I-I thought carbon dating was fossilized…

Rachel: Okay, Ross, I'm really trying to tell you something here.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: Okay.

Ross: Go ahead.

Rachel: Umm, okay, I think I'm-I'm just gonna-just gonna say it. Just gonna say it. Uhh, (pause) I'm still in love with you Ross.

(Ross is stunned.)

Ross: Wow. Umm… Huh… I'm-I'm not sure what to do with that right now.

(Rachel starts laughing hysterically.)

Ross: What? What? Was that a joke? 'Cause it's mean.

Rachel: (Laughing) I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.

Ross: Why are you laughing?

Rachel: Because (laughs), because, I just heard it. I heard it, and it's ridiculous! I mean, you're married. You're-you're married and it's just ridiculous, and it's like, it's like when said it, I sort of like, I floated up out of my body, y'know? And, and-and then I heard myself say it and then the floating Rachel (laughs) was like, "You are such an idiot!"

Ross: Well, well I am married. Even though I haven't spoken to my wife since the wedding.

Rachel: (laughs) I'm sorry, that's not funny.

Ross: Actually, it kinda is. My wife won't return my calls. I don't know where my wife is. (Laughs) "Hey Ross, where's the Mrs.?" Don't know!

Rachel: Oh God, ohh, okay, y'know what, do you think ah, do you think that you just forget that I told you this?

Ross: Well, I kinda half to. I mean, because the thing is…

Rachel: The thing is y'know, that you're married to Emily.

Ross: That is what the thing is.

Rachel: Ross, things aren't gonna be weird between us, right? I mean was that just the stupidest thing, me telling you that?

Ross: No. No. No, I'm-I'm glad you did. Look, if nothing else, it's-it's always great when someone tells you they love you.

Rachel: That's what I said! Thank you for being so nice. (They hug.)

Ross: No thank you for… Thank you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is about ready to leave for Atlantic City.]

Ross: Okay, let's go!

Chandler: Atlantic City!

Phoebe: Atlantic City, baby! Let's roll some bones! Hey Joey, high-five for rolling bones!

(They high-five and howl, but Phoebe suddenly stops and the guys gasp and retreat in shock.)

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you're leaking?

Monica: Oh my God! You're water broke!

The Guys: Ohh!

Phoebe: All right. Well, don't worry, I call shotgun! (She starts out the door.)

All: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait-wait!

Chandler: Pheebs! We have to take you to the hospital now!

Ross: Pheebs, Pheebs, the babies are coming now.

Rachel: High-five, the babies are coming! (They all high-five.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, remember when my water broke? (They all high-five again.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The hallway between the apartments, they are taking Phoebe to the hospital but Chandler and Monica hold back.]

Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!

Chandler: I know, it's beautiful. Amazing.

(They both kiss.)

Chandler: Y'know what else I can't believe? I had to kiss Phoebe and Rachel every time I left a room, I mean it's too bad they didn't see us having sex.

Monica: Do you know anything about women?

Chandler: No.

Monica: That's all right.

Chandler: Okay. (They kiss again.)

End

502 来吻别吧

你在泡泡里看来很乖

你醉得还不够厉害

嘿，是我

我进来了

我今天太累

要鸡肉吗？

不了，谢谢。

不要鸡，谢谢

你确定？我还叫了粟米和茄汁豆

我再说最后一次，不要！

滚出去，乔伊!

好

你还好吗？

他赖着不走

不停问我吃不吃鸡

鸡？

我想吃点鸡

我能要三块鸡肉

凉拌卷心菜，豆和一瓶可乐吗

减肥可乐

早，菲比

跟你们说个故事

我来这儿的路上

那个司机……

名字叫安格斯吗？

什么？

安格斯是我们在伦敦的出租车司机

好

他载我们去哪家酒吧来着？

Wheatsheaf

对了，那里啤酒很棒！

Bodington's！

菲比要说故事

对，那个司机的帽子非常好玩

算了，我不想说了

嘿，罗斯!

Bodington's！

好啤酒

为了Bodington，我宁愿步行回伦敦买醉

世贸中心附近的英国酒吧就有得卖

回头见!

瑞秋不是该回来了吗？

是啊，她的飞机在雅典误点了，但是，

无论如何也该到了

你跟她通过电话了？

她听起来火大吗

不大，不过她跟我关系好；

把她一个人扔上去希腊的飞机的

是老兄你

我没有扔下瑞秋，知道吗？

爱米丽在机场出现了

我必须跟着她

我尽丈夫的职责

她是我的妻子！

瑞秋是我的妻子！

爱米丽!

爱米丽是我的妻子

我这是怎么了？

你还没有爱米丽的消息？

自从她在机场跑开就杳无音信。

她竟然躲你

她跑得可真快！

你以为你可以打击我！

出去单挑！

瑞秋，我很抱歉

我真的很抱歉

别这样

你迫不得已

这么平静？你不生气？

你一定很难受

难受！我到的可是希腊!

豪华酒店，迷人沙滩，人也很友好

对瑞秋还算公平

那，我们和好了？

好，好得很

谢谢你，瑞秋你是最棒的

哦，不，

你才是最棒的

噢，我要去花店

没有人告诉我爱米丽的下落

所以我要寄72枝红玫瑰到她父母家

每一支代表

我和她相识相恋的一个日子

那样她就会理睬我了

你写卡片的时候

记得要写给“爱米丽”

你在希腊玩得很尽兴

真好

什么？

我在希腊糟透了!

罗斯抛弃了我!

我不敢出门，总呆在他们的蜜月套房

人家都来问我

”盖勒太太!你干吗哭呢？”

羞死人了!

我就像个白痴

都是我的错

你知道吗？

因为我作了错误的决定

不是那样的

是真的

我追罗斯追到了愚蠢的伦敦

去它的伦敦!

菲比你是对的

我压根就不该去伦敦

从现在起

你帮我做所有的决定

噢，不

我以前试过帮人做决定

掌管别人的生活可一点不自在

我来

好。莫妮卡，从现在起，

你控制我的爱情生活

好。我要上班了

瑞秋，你回来了真好

菲比

永远乐意亲你

瑞秋，亲爱的，看

你和乔伊在招待会上的照片，好可爱

他结婚了

罗斯结婚了

我还是无法相信

亲爱的，老实说

我必须接受

都是我的错

亲爱的！拿边上！手脏！会有印子！

噢，天!

没事的。

我知道你现在很伤心

我也知道那不关我的事

我猜那跟她有点关系

假如你放弃罗斯

你会发现好男人满街都是

看，阿甘

就不错，很可爱

对，阿甘是有点……

那边那个人呢

还记得吗？你有一次跟他在柜台调情！

噢，我不知道我不知道

你去跟他聊聊！

我们不是说好了吗，我替你

做决定，我叫你去跟他聊聊

好，

听你的

去跟他聊天，你就能得到幸福

嘿，菲比

伦敦行的照片洗出来了

这是我们在伦敦塔的合影

全体合照

那是罗斯，乔伊和你

和我

我们是不是过多谈论伦敦了？

抱歉，只是因为我没去

怀孕把我害苦了

抱歉

如何？

随便聊了聊

明晚和他约会

我早告诉过你！你能忘了罗斯

滚出去！

怎么那么久？

我被逮住干活

但我明天就不干了

那还差不多

多谢

再见，伙计

搞什么鬼？

也许是他从伦敦学回来的欧式道别

欧洲人才不那样呢

法国式的感觉

我真的玩得很开心

我也是

那，到此为止？

除非你想进来？

好啊！

等等，我做不了主

等我一下

莫妮卡呢？我要找她做决定

洗衣服去了

那是什么？

今天邮来的

72枝红玫瑰

每一支代表我和爱米丽相识相恋的一天

切成碎片

真可怕

也不是那么糟

莫妮可以用来做菜

我想去淋雨

没有下雨

我不能等!

你哪也别去

就坐在这里

我给你泡茶

我们来谈谈

好吗？

嘿，Dave

我们下次再约吧。

我室友不大舒服

好，再见!

亲爱的，听着

我知道事情看来不妙

瑞秋，

我能跟你谈谈吗？

我把袜子掉地上了

你什么毛病！

你想惹麻烦吗？

你没把袜子掉地上嘛

我碰到Dave，他说你跟他吹了!

你听我说!我来发号施令！

我要你离开罗斯，然后找Dave

你到底在干嘛？

基本上我在努力，我想

告诉他，我还爱他

什么？你不能那样说!

为什么？为什么不？

谁不乐意被爱？

我做决定，我说不许!

你再不能帮我做决定了

因为你被解雇了

你不能解雇我

我帮你决定

我没被解雇!哈

哎

瑞秋别这样，让我进来

有麻烦吗？

瑞秋把门锁了

我可以把门踢开

假如你给我点甜头

瑞秋!让我进去!

谢谢你

瑞秋？我能去外面跟你谈谈吗？

我们真的要谈谈

那谈啊

好，谈就谈

记得我们刚商量过你的企图？

什么企图？

瑞秋想上摇摆舞舞蹈课

我想这主意很笨

又危险，又不会有结果

而且可能会受伤

莫妮说得对

摇摆舞满复杂的

我要打个电话

寄给爱米丽的五只巨型泰迪熊

我要取消掉

我的天!

想想她对玫瑰花下的毒手

我要去表白

我知道你不信我

在你对他表白前，至少找一个

支持你的人，

你肯定找不到

但我……

求你

好

乔伊!我已经进来了!

好，好

你上次说没去成伦敦

感觉被排斥了

我们都觉得很糟

所以决定一起去旅行!

噢，那很好啊!

太好了!到哪里

去野餐

在中央公园!

中央——公园？

我们所有人，一整天

没意思

那不算旅行!我刚从公园回来

我们要赞美那愚蠢的公园吗？

就在我家旁边，太棒了

那我回家独自享受

去中央公园这个点子吧

等一秒种，亲亲先生

我想要跟你谈谈

你一直玩的欧洲新把戏

让我非常不舒服

住”嘴“吧!

我只是想给我们的圈子

一点文化氛围而已

好

别把那东西放我嘴里

让我想吐！

嘿，菲比来了!

菲比!喔!好。

喔!嗨

菲比，我们认为野餐的主意有点……

没什么意思，不去了

我们决定，今天下午出发，整个周末

都在大西洋城过！

大西洋城!很棒!

谁想出来的

我

是我提议的

是我建议另找地方的

然后我想到了大西洋城

那可不就是“另一个地方”？

一小时后，楼上集合

好！我要去收拾行李

瑞秋，走

我过会上楼找你

瑞秋，你没找到支持你的人，

所以你不能跟罗斯讲

那无关紧要

你知道表白爱意

却得不到回应有多痛苦吗？

我不在乎

我可看不下去

你在看什么？

报纸

有什么新闻

世界大事

我有话要跟你说

大家都不赞成我这样做

但我想他们错了

人都会犯错

是啊

有次上班的时候

我把碳定年法当成了化石

我真的有话跟你说，罗斯

继续

我想说

我要说

我还爱着你，罗斯

我不知道如何是好

你在耍我吗？那可有点卑鄙

我很认真的!

我真的很认真!

那你干吗笑？

因为我听见自己这样说

真荒谬!

我是说

你都结婚了!

这很荒谬!

说完以后

我就好象魂不附体

一个声音飘出来

骂我”笨蛋“!

我结婚了

婚后和新娘还没说过话

很抱歉。那一点也不好笑

事实上，就是这样

我妻子没有回我电话

我不知道我妻子的下落

嘿，罗斯!你老婆呢？

不知道!

噢，天!

你能忘了我跟你说过的话吗

我不得不忘掉

因为事实是

是你跟爱米丽结婚了

就是那样

噢，天

我们的友情不会泡汤吧？

跟你说那些很笨么？

很高兴听你那么说

假如没有麻烦缠身

谁不乐意被爱呢

那就好！

谢谢你那么好

不，谢谢你一

谢谢你

好！出发！

来！

大西洋城!

我们来滚球

滚球

菲比，你在漏水

天啊，你破水了

别担心，我可以坐孕妇专座

菲比，我们现在就要送你去医院

菲比，孩子要出生了

亲爱的!孩子要出生了

我的羊水破了！

菲比要生孩子了!

我知道这很美，很不可思议

我必须在离开房间时吻菲比和瑞秋

她们怎么没看到我们做爱

你了解女人吗？

没关系

503 The One Hundredth

[Scene: The Hospital, Phoebe is arriving with Ross, Joey, and Rachel in tow.]

Phoebe: (to the nurse) Hi.

Nurse: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi, yeah, hi! I'm umm, Phoebe Buffay, and I have babies coming out of me.

Nurse: Okay. Have you started having contractions?

Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?

Nurse: Well…

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Ross: It's all right.

Nurse: Now, which of you is the father? (Points to Joey and Ross)

Phoebe: Oh no, none of them are the father. The father is my brother.

Nurse: (not sure what to do with that) Okay…

Rachel: I am so gonna miss watching you freak people out like that!

Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, umm, hi kids! Um, it's me, Aunt Phoebe. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me!

(Monica and Chandler come running in.)

Ross: Hey, what took you guys so long? Your cab left when ours did!

(There's a pause as they figure out what to say.)

Monica: Well, we-we had to go back because I forget my jacket.

Chandler: That's right.

(Both Rachel and Ross stare at her for a moment.)

Rachel: You-you're not wearing a jacket.

Monica: Oh man! I did it again!

Phoebe: (standing up) Okay, so umm, somebody has to call Frank and Alice. (As she is talking Joey is sticking the camera under her skirt.) And then my mom wants to know-(notices Joey)-Joey, what are you doing?!

Joey: I gotta get the before shot!

(She shakes her head no.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.

Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!

Ross: Look, Pheebs-Pheebs, it's gonna be okay.

Phoebe: That's easy for you to say, I don't see three kids coming out your vagina!

Rachel: Honey, listen, y'know what? The nurse said the doctor is wonderful.

Ross: Yeah, he's head of the department.

Phoebe: All right—Ooh! Oh dead God, save me!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: I'm having my first contraction!

Chandler: Oh no.

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not bad.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Oh! (In an announcer type voice) And so the miracle of life begins, and aaiiyyyeeee! (He grabs his side and doubles over in pain.)

Chandler: Hey! You okay?

Joey: Ooh, something hurts!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's sympathy pains. Ohh, that's so sweet!

Joey: Are they? I didn't know I cared that much.

(The doctor, Dr. Harad, enters.)

Ross: Hello.

Dr. Harad: Hi! Phoebe, I'm Dr. Harad, I'm going to be delivering your babies. I want you to know, you're gonna be in good hands. I've been doing this for a long time. I'll be back in a minute to do your internal, in the meantime, just relax because everything here looks great. And also, I love Fonzie. (Exits)

Chandler: Did he just say, he loves Fonzie?

Monica: That's what it sounded like.

Chandler: All right…

Frank: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Frank: (To Phoebe) Hey! Am I late? Am I late? Nobody came out yet, right?

Phoebe: No-no-no! We haven't started yet. Where's Alice?

Frank: Uh, Delaware. She's on her way though, so until she gets here, I'm gonna be your coach. But don't worry, she told me all about the la-Mazada stuff.

Chandler: Yeah, that's when if you get the babies out by the end of the month, they give you 2% financing.

Frank: Yeah.

[Scene: The waiting room, Monica and Joey are sitting there.]

Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.

Joey: Oh my!

Rachel: They're male nurses.

Joey: Not in my head.

Rachel: Anyway, they want to take us out Saturday night! What do you say?

Monica: Umm. (Looks at Chandler who is using the phone.) Umm. Umm. I don't think so.

Rachel: What? What are you talking about?! You-you're the one who's been telling me to get over Ross and move on. I'm moving on, and you're moving on with me. Come on, give me one good reason why you don't wanna go.

Monica: Umm, why don't you give me something that would be a good reason and-and then I'll tell you if it's true.

Rachel: What?

Monica: Harder than it sounds. Isn't it?

Rachel: Okay, you're coming with me, and I also told them that if we're still here when they get off that we'll go down to the cafeteria and have some Jell-O with them.

Joey: (in a sexy voice) Yep! There's always room for Jell-O…

Rachel: Joey, how do you make that dirty?

Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh, (snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad…

[Scene: The delivery room, Chandler, Frank, and Ross are with Phoebe.]

Joey: (entering) Ross! Get a shot of this. (He's carrying an issue of the USA Today and hands Ross the camera.) Hey babies! These are the headlines on the day you were born! Okay, now girl baby turn away and boy babies… (Throws the paper away to reveal a copy of Playpen, which is the TV version of Playboy Magazine.) Check it out, huh?! This is what naked women looked like the month you were born. All right, now let's dive right into the good stuff. (Joey opens the magazine and Ross sticks the camera in it.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I'm having another one! This one doesn't hurt either—Ooh, yes it does! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! (Checks under the blanket.) Oh, I was kinda hoping that was it.

Ross: Hey, where are Monica and Rachel anyway?

Joey: Oh, a couple of nurses asked them out. Maybe they're with them.

Chandler: Really? Male nurses?

Joey: Yeah, I was bummed too.

Chandler: So they're going on dates? When?

Joey: I think Saturday—(groans in pain again).

Frank: (To Phoebe) What's with him?

Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.

Dr. Harad: (entering) Okay!

Phoebe: Hey.

Dr. Harad: Let's see what we got here. Ohh, y'know, Fonzie dated triplets.

Chandler: This-this Fonzie person you keep referring too, is that uh, is that another doctor?

Dr. Harad: Oh no-no-no. Fonzie is the nickname of Arthur Fonzerelli. The Fonz.

Chandler: All right.

(Dr. Harad exits.)

Frank: It's not that weird, is it?

Phoebe: It's very weird! I don't want some guy down there telling me, I'm y'know, dilatedamundo!

Ross: To be fair, he doesn’t seem to be impersonating Fonzie…

Phoebe: (interrupting) What are you doing?!! Why are you defending him?! Just get me another doctor! One who is not crazy and who is not Fonzie!

Ross: Again, it's not that he…

(Phoebe fakes pain to get Ross looking for another doctor.)

[Scene: The waiting room, Chandler is looking for Monica.]

Chandler: (spotting her) Oh-hey-hey-hey! There you are!

Monica: Umm, listen there's something I think you should know.

Chandler: Oh, is this about you-you dating the nurse? Yeah, Joey already told me, and I am so-so fine. I mean, you and I we're just, y'know, we're nothing, we're goofin' around.

Monica: Umm, actually I was about to tell you that I was, I was going to get out of it, but hey, if we're just goofing around then uh, maybe I will go out with him.

Chandler: Fine! Maybe I will too!

Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)

[Scene: The delivery room, Ross has returned with another doctor. This one, is well, younger.]

Ross: Okay, Phoebe, this Dr. Oberman. He has no strong feelings about Fonzie or any of the Happy Days gang.

Phoebe: Hi! And you're going into what grade?

Dr. Oberman: Umm, I'm actually a first year resident, but I get that a lot, you see, I-I graduated early…

Phoebe: (interrupting) Uh-huh, me too. Ross, maybe I should've specified that I'd be needing a grown up doctor.

Dr. Oberman: Oh no, I'm fully qualified to…

Phoebe: Shh! Doogie, shh! Doesn't anybody understand that I'm gonna be having babies soon? Huh? Go! Go little boy, go!

(He runs out and Frank watches him go.)

Frank: Oh cool! You made him cry!

[Scene: Another hospital room, Joey has now been admitted and his doctor is about to break the bad news to him, Monica, and Chandler.]

Joey's Doctor: Mr. Tribbiani, I'm afraid you've got kidney stones.

Joey: Umm, well, what else could it be?

Joey's Doctor: It's kidney stones.

Joey: Or?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones!

[Scene: The delivery room, Dr. Harad is back and checking on Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: All right, you're getting there. Oh, and y'know, these babies are very, very lucky.

Phoebe: They are. Why?

Dr. Harad: They have the honor of being born on The Fonz's half-birthday.

Phoebe: Happy birthday!

Dr. Harad: Just-just to clarify, I'm not Fonzie. (Phoebe nods in agreement as he leaves.)

Rachel: Honey, y'know I just gotta tell you, I think this is such a terrific thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.

Phoebe: I know, it is.

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: Can I tell you a little secret?

Rachel: Yeah!

Phoebe: I want to keep one. (Giggles in excitement.)

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The delivery room, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, honey, you gotta be kidding. I mean, you know you cannot keep one of these babies!

Phoebe: Why not?! Maybe I can, you don't know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, I do! I do know! Frank and Alice are gonna want to keep all of their children!

Phoebe: Maybe not! Y'know? Seriously, three babies are a handful maybe they're y'know, looking for a chance to unload one of them. Listen, I-I hate to miss an opportunity just because I didn't ask! Y'know?

Rachel: Phoebe, no! This is, this is insane.

Phoebe: Oh, just ask him!

Rachel: Me?!

Phoebe: I can't ask him! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that would be?! All I'm saying is just talk to Frank. Okay? Just, y'know, feel him out!

Rachel: No! Forget it! I am not gonna ask Frank to give you one of his kids!!

Phoebe: You're right.

(There's an awkward silence then suddenly Phoebe gets an idea.)

Phoebe: Tell him it's for you.

[Scene: Joey's room, his doctor, Chandler, and Monica are there.]

Monica: Feeling a little better sweetie?

Joey: Well, maybe a little. I wish you hadn't seen me throw up.

Monica: Me too.

Ross: (entering) Hey! I just heard. What's up?

Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra…

Joey: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option—what's a urethra? (Monica whispers what it is in his ear.) Are you crazy?!

[Scene: The delivery room, Rachel and Frank are there.]

Phoebe: (To Rachel) So did you ask him?

Rachel: No, I haven't had a chance to be alone with him yet.

Phoebe: Well, I'm kinda on a clock here.

Dr. Harad: (laughing) Oh Fonzie.

Rachel: Y'know who I always liked? Mork.

(Dr. Harad drops what he's doing and stares at her.)

Phoebe: Undo it. Undo it. Undo it.

Dr. Harad: Fonzie met Mork. Mork froze Fonzie.

Rachel: Yeah, but umm… Yes, but, Fonzie was already cool, so he wasn't hurt, right?

Dr. Harad: Yeah, that's right.

Monica: (entering with Chandler) Hey!

Phoebe: Hi!

Monica: (To Phoebe) How are you doing?

Phoebe: Okay, doctor says any minute now.

Frank: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?

Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.

(A male nurse enters.)

Male Nurse: Hey!

Rachel: Hi!

Male Nurse: Rachel.

Rachel: Monica, this is Dan (points to him), one of the guys that we're gonna be going out with on Saturday. (Mouths "He's yours." to her.) Uh Dan, Monica.

Dan: Nice to meet you.

Monica: Hello Dan! I'm really looking forward to Saturday night! Really, really!

Chandler: So Dan, nurse not a doctor huh? Kinda girlie isn't it?

Monica: Chandler!

Dan: Nah that's okay. I'm just doing this to put myself through medical school.

Chandler: Oh.

Dan: And it didn't feel so girlie during the Gulf War.

Chandler: Sure. (Pause) And listen, thanks for doing that for us, by the way. (Retreats in defeat.)

Monica: So, why wait 'til Saturday, are you free tomorrow?

Dan: Sure! I'll get somebody to cover my shift.

Monica: Oh, great!

Chandler: (to another female nurse) Hey, how 'bout it? You, me, Saturday night?

Delivery Room Nurse: No.

Chandler: All right. Very good.

Phoebe: Oo, this is a big one. Eww! Arghhhh!!

[Cut to Joey's room, who's going throw his own contractions. Plus, he has Ross in a headlock.]

Joey: Ohh, get these things out of me!

Ross: Breathe! Breathe! Breathe throw the pain.

(Joey starts breathing hard)

Joey: I want the drugs Ross, I want the drugs! (He starts rocking back and forth, taking Ross with him.)

Ross: I do too! I do too!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

Joey: Argh!

Ross: Argh!

[Scene: The waiting room, Frank is on the phone as Rachel approaches.]

Frank: Yeah, I love you. Okay, bye! (To Rachel) Hi!

Rachel: Hi!

Frank: That was Alice's mom, she said she left five hours ago. She should be here by now!

Rachel: Oh, honey, don’t worry. She's gonna make it on time.

Frank: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah. So Frank, three babies. Whew, that just seems like a lot, huh?

Frank: (laughs) Not to me.

Rachel: Yeah, fair enough.

[Scene: The delivery room, later on, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Frank are there as Dr. Harad is checking out Phoebe.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, you're at ten centimeters. Time to start having some babies. All right, I want only the father in here please.

(They all kiss her and wish her luck.)

Monica: Bye Dan!

Dan: Uh, bye Monica.

Chandler: Bye, momi-moo.

(Everyone except Frank leaves.)

Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.

Phoebe: What is that?

(Dan turns on the TV and the Happy Days theme song comes on.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Dr. Harad: Oh, no-no-no, it's a good one! Fonzie plays the bongos. All right, are you ready? It's time to start pushing.

[Cut to Joey's room, his doctor and Ross are there.]

Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)

[Cut to the delivery room.]

Dr. Harad: Okay, now push! That's it push! Just concentrate on pushing! Yeah, here we go!

Dan: I see the head.

Frank: Yes, it has a head!

Dr. Harad: All right. Keep pushing! Come on!

Frank: I can't believe there's somebody coming out of you right now. There's somebody coming out of you! Is it? Is it? It's my son.

Dr. Harad: All right. Here's your first baby.

[Cut to the waiting room, a triumphant Frank rushes in.]

Frank: YESSSSS!!!!! We got a baby boy!!

Chandler: Yes!

Frank: Frank Jr. Jr.!!

Rachel: Oh, how does he look? How does he look?

Frank: So gross! (He runs back to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is about to give birth to the middle kid.]

Dr. Harad: Okay. You ready to push again?

Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.

Frank: Okay, okay, come on, you can do it. You can do it!

(Phoebe screams in pain, and Frank screams with her.)

[Cut to the waiting room, a twice triumphant Frank returns.]

Frank: Yeah!! Little Leslie is here! We got another one! Oh my God, I can't believe I have two-two children. How scary is that? (He returns to the delivery room.)

[Cut to the delivery room, Phoebe is at it for the last time.]

Frank: Come on little Chandler, it's time to be born. Come on little Chandler! Come on!

Dr. Harad: All right, he's coming. He's coming!

(They both stare at the newborn.)

Frank: Hey, where's his thing?

[Cut to the waiting room, a thrice triumphant Frank returns again.]

Frank: Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Oh God, kindergarten flashback.

Frank: They musta read the sonogram wrong. 'Cause they, 'cause they thought it was a boy, but Chandler's a girl! Chandler's a girl!

Chandler: Okay, keep saying it!

Alice: (running in from the elevator) Am I too late?!

Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.

Alice: We have our babies?

Frank: Yeah.

Alice: (Starting to cry) Oh, we have our babies.

(They hug. And quickly that hug turns into a heated make out session, right there on the waiting room couch. Chandler, Rachel, and Monica quickly make their exits.)

[Scene: Joey's room, he is recovering from his birth.]

Joey: Oh my God.

Ross: You did it, man.

Joey's Doctor: Would you like to see them? (He hands Joey a little jar.)

Joey: They're so small! (Both he and Ross look at them with satisfied looks on their faces.)

[Scene: A hallway, Monica and Dan are talking.]

Dan: So, I'll call you tomorrow.

Monica: Great!

(Dan leaves as Chandler enters.)

Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?

Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary… Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.

Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.

Chandler: Really? Okay, so…

Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.

Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?

Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around.) Don't do the dance.

Chandler: Right!

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone except Rachel is there. Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are holding the babies.]

Monica: I think you're my favorite.

Phoebe: Which one do you have?

Monica: I don't care.

Rachel: (entering) Hi. (To Phoebe) Hey, hi! So uh, Frank and Alice wanted me to tell you that they're still outside making phone calls.

Phoebe: But umm, I mean, did you talk to them about, y'know…

Rachel: Yeah, umm, no honey.

Phoebe: Oh. It was a long shot. Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.

All: Yeah, sure yeah. Yeah.

(They hand her the babies and leave them alone.)

Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives! (Imitates the high fives.) Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! (One of the babies begins to cry.) Well, if you're gonna cry. (She starts crying.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: The delivery room, everyone is hanging out with Phoebe. Frank, Alice, and the kids aren't there.]

Monica: Phoebe, we are so proud of you! You're amazing!

Phoebe: I know.

Rachel: So does it really hurt as bad as they say?

Phoebe: Yeah. You won't be able to take it.

Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?

Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.

Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?

Phoebe: Works on you.

End

503 三胞胎（总第一百集）

Hi，你好，我是Phoebe Buffay。

我就要生孩子了。

好的，开始子宫挛缩没有？

还没有，恩，听人说会很痛，是么？

其实啊......

哦，上帝呀!

没什么大不了的。

你们谁是孩子的父亲?

欧，不，他们都不是

孩子的父亲是我弟弟。

好的?!!!

我以后会很怀念你这种吓唬人的方式的！

好的，Pheebs，快，看这里!

这是日后给出生的孩子看的，

在他们出生之前，你有什么想说的么？

Oh，好的，孩子们，你们好!

是我，Phoebe阿姨

真想早点见到你们。

请别弄疼我哦！

嘿，你们怎么搞得，这么长时间？

你们的出租车不是我们的一起离开的么？

恩，我们又回去了一趟，因为我忘了拿外衣。

恩，就是。

可是你现在也没穿外衣呀？

MD! 又忘拿了!

好了，我们得把Frank和Alice叫来。

我妈想知道- Joey，你在干嘛?!

在他们出生之前我也要拍呀!

Hi， Pheebs。 我们刚和护士谈过，

你的医生迟到是因为......

是因为她来不了了。

什么?!

实际上她在洗澡的时候摔破了头。

哦，天哪，她怎么那么笨!

别急，Pheebs-Pheebs， 一切都会好没事的。

你说起来到简单，

你子宫里又没有3个小孩等着出生。

亲爱的，听我说。

知道么？护士说这个医生很不错的，

他是这个部门的头儿。

好吧，欧！上帝，救救我！

怎么了？

我第一次子宫收缩开始了......

不是吧?

Ooh，还不错。

欧！耶！生命的奇迹就要开始了。

嘿，你还好吧？

欧，好疼呀！

心疼我都心疼到这个地步，你太好了。

哦？是么？我怎么不知道呢。

你好。

你好，Phoebe， 我是Harad医生。

我来负责给你助产。

我想让你知道，一切都会没事的。

我干这一行好长时间了。

我等一会儿进来替你检查一下。

现在，你只需要放松下来就可以了，

一切都很顺利！

还有，我喜欢Fonzie。

他刚才是不是说他喜欢Fonzie?

听起来好像是这么说的。

好吧。

嘿！

我来晚了么？晚了么？还没生，是么？

还没，还没开始呢。Alice在哪儿？

哦，Delaware，她还在路上呢。

她没来之前，我来当你的教练吧。

别紧张，她把一切有关心理助产

的东西都告诉我了。

如果孩子在这个月底以前出生的话，

他们会给你2%的财政补贴。

是吧。

Monica，你应该为我骄傲才是!

我刚和两个非常可爱的护士定了约会。

Oh 是么？

他们是男的。

我想的可不是。

不管怎样，他们周六晚上带我们出去玩。

你觉得怎么样？

恩，我想可能不行。

什么？你这是什么意思？

是你告诉我要忘了Ross，继续向前的。

我向前了，你得和我一起。

你说，给我一个好的理由，你为什么不去？

恩，要不你给我一个好理由，

然后我告诉你是不是对的。

什么？

比听起来还难懂吧，不是么？

不管，你要和我一起去。

而且我还告诉他们，他们下班的时候

我们还会在这里

到时候一起到咖啡厅吃点儿果冻。

耶！总能吃得下果冻的！

Joey，你怎么把它弄得这么色情的？

恩，很简单亚，不管什么我都可以，你看着：

外婆的小鸡沙拉。

Ross! 拍一下这个。

嗨，孩子们！

这是你们出生那天的报纸头条新闻。

好了，女孩们转过头去，男孩们

看看这儿！

这就是你们出生当月的裸体封面女郎。

好的，我们直接跳到好东东上面去吧。

Oh，耶，又来了一次。

这个也不太疼，Ooh，好疼呀。

欧！欧！欧！欧！欧......

好像没了......

嘿，Monica 和Rachel 到哪里去了？

有两个护士约他们出去了，可能和他们在一起。

是么，男的?

是呀，我也很失望！

他们要约会了么？什么时候？

好像是周六吧。

他怎么了？

恩，同情的疼，

开始我还觉得他人很好呢，

可是现在我觉得他在抢我的风头。

好的，嘿。

让我看看你怎么样了。

你知道么，Fonzie和3胞胎约过会呢。

你一直提到的那个叫Fonzie的人，

是不是另外一个医生呀？

哦，不是，不是。

Fonzie 是Arthur Fonzerelli的昵称。

the Fonz。

好吧！

这并不太奇怪，是么？

太奇怪了！

我不想让别人告诉我

我是个dilatedamundo!

说实话，他看上去并没在模仿Fonzie。

你在干什么？

你干嘛这样维护他？

给我找另一个医生！

找个没疯的，也不像Fonzie的来。

其实，他并没有......

哦，嘿，原来你在这里。

嗯，听我说，我想有些事情你应该知道。

哦，是不是你和护士约会的事情呀？

嗯，Joey已经告诉我了，我没，没什么呀。

我是说，你和我，其实什么也不算。

我们在一起只是打法时间而已。

嗯，实际上我正要告诉你，我正准备

取消约会的，但是，既然我们只是玩玩而已的话，

也许我真该和他出去。

好呀，说不定我也会的！

嘿，你们看，我在礼品店里面

发现了什恩恩恩么。

起来，起来，起来！

好的，Phoebe， 这是Oberman医生

他对Fonzie没有强烈的感觉，

或者其他任何和“快乐的日子”

那一伙有关系的嗜好。

你好，你现在读几年级了？

哦，实际上我当了一年见习医生了。

不过，我很有经验的，我提早毕业了。

哦，我也是，Ross。

也许我该说明白些，我需要一个成人医生。

嗨，实际上我很合格的。

别说了，小子。

欧，到底有没有人知道我就要生孩子了？？

唉！出去吧，出去吧，小伙子！

欧，你真行，把他都弄哭了！

Tribbiani先生，恐怕你有肾结石了。

嗯。 有没有可能是别的什么呢？

就是肾结石呀。

或者是？

肾结石！

好了，就快到了！

嘿，你知道么？这些孩子非常非常幸运，

是么？为什么？

他们正好在“The Fonz”半个生日的时候出生，

生日快乐！

只是说明一下，

我其实不是Fonzie。

亲爱的，我正要告诉你，

我觉得你为Frank和Alice生这些孩子，太可怕了。

我知道，耶！

我能跟你说个小秘密么？

我想自个儿留一个。

Ohh，我要上新闻了。

Okay， Phoebe， 亲爱的，你在开玩笑吧！

你知道你不能把他们之中的任何一个留下。

为什么不行？也许可以呢，而你不知道！

是的，是的，是的，我知道，我知道！

Frank 和 Alice 想养育他们所有的孩子。

也许不是这样呢？你知道么？

说实话，3个孩子很费事的。

也许，他们正在找机会摆脱其中一个呢。

听我说，我不想因为没有问而失去这个机会。

Phoebe，不，这太荒唐了。

问一下就知道了!

我？

总不能让我去问吧？

你不觉的这会很不合适么？

我只是想你去和他谈谈，可以么？

只是，试探一下他！

哦，算了！我不会去要Frank

把自己的一个孩子给你的。

你是对的。

告诉他是为你自己要的！

感觉好些了么？亲爱的。

嗯，好一点儿了。

希望你没看见我吐。

我也是。

嘿，我刚听说，怎么了？

肾结石!

一般来说，Tribbiani先生，

我们要用震动波震碎这些石头。

但是它们太贴近膀胱了，

我们要不等你自己把它们弄出来，

要不就是从尿道伸进去......

什么？不不不不不！！

什么也不要伸进去，好吗？

说什么也不行！还有，什么是尿道？

你疯了么？

你还没问他么？

没有，我还没机会单独和他谈。

可是，我都急死了！

欧！Fonzie。

你知道我一直喜欢谁么？Mork

别说了，别说了，别说了！

Fonzie碰到Mork时，

Mork酷到让Fonzie感到可怕。

是的，可是，嗯，

Fonzie已经很酷了！

所以他没什么事，对么？

嗯，那当然了。

嘿！

怎么样了？

医生说随时可能生。

嘿，你知道么，

Alice马上就来了。

你能不能再帮我一个忙，比如说：

先忍住别生。

对不起Frank，我还在上一次帮你忙之中呢。

嘿！

Rachel

Monica， 这是Dan，

就是我们周六一起出去的其中一个，

嗨！Dan，这是Monica

很高兴见到你！

你好，Dan!

我真的好期待周六晚上呀！

好期待，好期待！

嘿，Dan，你是护士而不是医生吧？

好像有点儿女性化的职业，不是么？

Chandler!

不，这没什么的。

我医学院毕业以后就干了这个。

哦。

在海湾战争期间我也没感到

这只是女人干的活儿呀。

当然了！

听着，顺便谢谢你为我们做的一切。

嗯，为什么等到周六，你明天有空么？

当然了，我找人代班就是了。

哦，太好了！

你看这样怎么样？你和我，周六晚上？

不行！

好的，非常好！

哦，这个好痛呀，欧！欧！呀！

欧，快把它们弄出来吧！

呼吸，呼吸，忍住痛呼吸！

我要吃药！Ross，我要吃药！

我也要！我也要！欧，呀！欧， 呀！

恩，我爱你。再见！

嗨！

是Alice的母亲，她说Alice五个小时前就走了。

她应该马上就来了。

哦，亲爱的，别担心，她会准时来的！

耶！耶！

嘿，Frank， 3个孩子，

喔，好像太多了一点儿吧？

对我来说一点儿也不多，

恩，不多就好

好了，只差十公分了！

就要开始生孩子了！

好的，只要孩子的父亲留下来，好么！

再见，Dan! 再见，Monica!

再见，momi-moo。

好的，我要一个夹子，

消过毒的毛巾，和31频道！

那是什么？

哦，上帝呀！

不，不，不！这个台挺好看的！

Fonzie 敲着小鼓。

好了，你准备好了么？要开始了。

你准备好了么？要使劲尿尿了。

等，等，等，等一会儿，就快要

使劲尿尿了！

好的，使劲了！

使劲！注意力集中，用劲！加油！

好的！

我看见头了！

是的，是头！

好的！

继续使劲！加油！

真不敢相信就要有人

要从你身体里面出来了！

有人要从你身体里出来了，是么！

是的！是我的儿子！

好的！

这是你的第一个孩子！

太好了！我们有男孩了！

太好了！

Frank 二世.二世！

欧！他长得如何！长得如何？

一个大胖小子！

好的，你准备好了么？要再使劲了！

我已经有个孩子了，不要了吧！

好的，好的，加油，你能行的，你能行的！

好呀! 小Leslie 出来了！我们又有一个了！

哦，上帝呀！我不敢相信

我有两个-两个孩子了。

这有多可怕呀！

加油，小Chandler，该你出世了!

加油！小Chandler! 加油！

好的，他出来了！出来了！

嗯？他的小弟弟呢？

Chandler是个女孩！

哦，我的天！幼儿园的噩梦又来了。

他们肯定看错Ｂ超图了，因为

他们认为是个男孩儿。

但是Chandler是个女孩，

Chandler是个女孩。

好的，继续说吧！

我是不是太迟了？

没有，没有，一切都很好！

每个孩子都很健康，

一共有３０个手指，还有３０个脚趾。

我们有自己的孩子了！

耶！

我们有自己的孩子了！

哦，上帝呀！

你做到了！好兄弟！

想看看它们么？

它们好小啊！

我明天给你打电话。

好的！

你真的要和这个男护士一起出去么？

嗯，你和我只是玩玩而已，

我想为什么不和他玩玩呢？

嗯，我不知道你有没有

在字典里查查玩玩这个词呢？

我查过，

最精确的定义是：

两个朋友，相互喜爱对方

并有过非比寻常的爱

而且想花更多的时间在一起。

但是如果你有更新的字典

而让你讨厌我的话

那我们就的，你知道的，

以我原来的那个字典为准了。

我为此感觉很糟糕。

我觉得你比你自己想的要好的多。

哦？真的么？那么......

别来这套了！

其实，我也觉得停停了。

那我们是不是和好了？

当然了，我要去告诉Dan

我不去了。

-别跳舞！

-好的！

我觉得你是我的最爱。

你抱的哪一个？？

无所谓哪个。

Hi， Hey， hi!

嗯，Frank 和 Alice 想让我告诉你，

他们还在外面打电话呢。

但是，我是说，你和他们谈过了么？

嗯，还没有，亲爱的。

这可得做长远打算。

你们能让我单独

和这些孩子们呆一会儿么？

是的，当然可以啦。

嘿，你们好。

上次我对着小盘子里的你们

讲话的时候，就像昨天一样。

他们说,生你们是最困难的。

可他们错了,同你们分离才难。

你们给了我最大的快乐。

我真希望能把你们带回家，

每天看着你们。

算了，就让我做你们最好的阿姨吧。

Alice的姐姐也有子宫，

不过你们住在我这里。

这太酷了！

我们会是最好的。

伸出你们的小手。欧！欧！欧！

如果你们想哭的话......

Phoebe， 我们为你自豪！你太了不起了!

我知道。

真的跟他们说的那么疼么？

当然了，你肯定受不了的。

嗯， 小Chandler竟然是女的，

他们准备给她起个什么名字呢？

他们就叫她Chandler呀！

这个名字太男性化了吧？你们不这么认为么？

你都能用呀！

504 The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]

Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.

(Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out in horror.) Oh my God!

Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um, I was taking a nap.

Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting for a guy!

Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!

Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?

Monica: Uh-huh, that one!

Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)

Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm… (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.

Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?

Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they threw us out!

Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!

Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London!

Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily?

Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.

Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you prissy, old twit!

Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.

Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]

Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!

Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!

Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.

Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on—y'know what, what you up to Joe?

Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a job as co-host!

Monica: Oh that's great!

Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!

Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!

Monica: What's wrong with PBS?

Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?

Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back.

Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.

Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living in a box. I didn't have keys!

Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies.

Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is totally selfish.

Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish!

Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!

Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good right?

Phoebe: Yeah. So?

Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, sorry.

Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.

Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's… Y'know there's—no you may not!

(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)

Joey: That's because all people are selfish.

Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!

Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?

Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you evil genius.

(Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello.

Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?

Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!

Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Good-bye!

Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me!

Emily: Really? About what?

Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you. I-I really miss you.

Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.

Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.

All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)

Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?

Joey: That he doesn't exist.

Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?

Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.

Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?

Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.

Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had!

(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)

Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?

Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?

Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you lucky dog!

Ross: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: That's great!

Ross: In London!

Monica: What?!

Ross: She wants me to move to London.

Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.

Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?

Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to London with Ben.

Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.

Ross: It could happen.

[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.]

Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!

Stage Director: This will be your phone.

Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.

Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.

Joey: But I'm the host!

Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.

Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray.

Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.]

Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.

Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?

Monica: Sure!

Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?

Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?

Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.

Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]

Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.

Emily: I understand that would be difficult.

Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that?

Emily: I don't know, it's just…

Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to come here. You have to come here so we can work this out.

Emily: All right.

Ross: All right, did you just say all right?

Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.

Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love!

(She laughs.)

Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.

Ross: Yes, tell me.

Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.

Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.

Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.

Ross: Again, very sorry.

Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!

Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.

Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this work.

Ross: Oh that is so great! That's…

Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.]

Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.

Chandler: Yes!

Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!

Monica: Great!

Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.

Phoebe: Why?

Monica: What?! You can't—what did you tell her?

Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!

Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your best friends.

Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Chandler: That's true!

Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot just cut her out of your life.

Chandler: That's true!

Monica: No, you cannot.

Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)

(The phone rings.)

Monica: (answering it) Hello.

Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!

Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be on TV?

Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.

Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.

Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)

Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!

Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]

Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs…

(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)

Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!

Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.

Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.

Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.

Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.

Monica: Yeah, so?

Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.

Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)

Chandler: What's your point?

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]

Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.

Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?

Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.

Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.

Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)

Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!

(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)

Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?

PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.

Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!

PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?

Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)

Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to… (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is reading a magazine.]

Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a…)

Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this decision with a toy!

Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.

Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!

Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.

[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]

Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.

Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.

Joey: Hey Pheebs!

Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.

Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to ya?

Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.

Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?

Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.

Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.

Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.

Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers…(He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!

Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel—Oh no! (Realizes that her deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her mouth in horror.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]

Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.

Monica: Keep talking.

Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH…MY…GOD.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We owe it, to sex!

Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and jumps into his arms.) Oh my… When is Joey gonna be home?

Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.

Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.

Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.

Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)

(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)

Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.

Monica: Okay.

(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)

Monica: Ow!

Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?

Monica: I know!

(He carries her into the hall.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]

Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!

Ross: For what?

Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20 minutes.

Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.

Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!

Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.

Rachel: Like what?

Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.

Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.

Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this without your help.

Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to… Hi!

Ross: Thanks.

Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!

Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.]

Monica: Never done that before.

Chandler: Nope.

End

504 菲比讨厌PBS（美国广播公司）

进来

我等到花儿也谢了

我只需要——

天啊！

噢，我的天!

对不起!我只不过——

在小睡

你几时采取这种睡姿的？

你在等男人对吧，快说是

没错

是一个同事

我在和同事交往!

你们那儿的可爱侍者？

亦正亦邪那个？

哦，是他

我离开一下，去加件衣服

等我穿好了，你一五一十招给我听

是他来了吧

是乔伊和罗斯

你们不是去看电影吗？

罗斯讲电话太大声，

我们被丢了出来

我没办法！电影太吵了！

他打电话到伦敦！

啊？他联络到爱米丽了？

还没有。他打电话给女方所有的亲友

求人家帮他联络爱米丽。

我是说错名字！有什么大不了的！

你这个老顽固！

你该拍他们一家子马屁才对!

你们都在，好极了！

公司终于买到防皱传真纸了！

菲比讨厌PBS公司

呕吐物晚礼服

不脏，干洗过了

呕吐物晚礼服？

谁吐在上面了？

乔伊，你盛装要去干嘛？

我参加电视节目之后

经理人帮我争取到

当主持人的机会！

太好了!

既回馈PBS广播公司，又有

电视曝光的机会

乔伊爱这样的美事！

噢，PBS!

有什么不好？

他们有什么好？

你干嘛讨厌PBS？

我妈自杀后，我孤苦伶仃

所以写信到芝麻街寻找安慰

因为我小时候，他们真的很和气

却压根没人回信

是不是因为那些木偶

都没有手指，写不了信？

他们只送我一个钥匙扣！

我那时住在纸箱里！

一把钥匙都没有!

很抱歉，菲比

我只想做件好事，

就像你代弟产子一样

才不是做好事，你只想上电视罢了，

自私自利

啊？那你还帮你弟弟生孩子呢？

还说我自私!

什么意思？

你的确是出于好心，但你

因此觉得自己很伟大，对吧？

对，那又怎样？

因为你感觉很好，

所以是自私的行为

世上没有绝对无私的好人好事，

不好意思

乱讲！当然有人做好事

不是出于私心!

举例？

比如

不告诉你!

人不为己，天诛地灭

你认为我也自私？

你算人类？

抱歉让你的梦破灭。

但无私的好事是不存在的

你知道圣诞老人的事，对吧

我一定会发现无私的好事

我要打败你，恶魔！

天啊!是爱米丽!

各位，是爱米丽!别吵！

不许你再骚扰我的亲戚，再见

你挂电话好了。但我不会罢休。

我要打电话给全英国的人

只求你理睬我

真的？你想说什么？

你是我妻子，我们成婚了

我爱你

我真的很挂念你

我也想你

我想是吧

她肯开口讲话了！

你说“圣诞老人的事”是什么意思？

他不存在

对

钱德，莫妮有个地下男友，

你听说了吗？

对，她好象提过

几时带来见见我们？

他害羞，我想他还没准备好见大家

对，我想他还没准备好

不管！既然他是她所见过、床上功夫

最棒的家伙，我无论如何得见见。

真的？

有这样的风评？

你说的？

有可能

很好笑吗？

我真替他高兴

你很幸运

爱米丽愿意和我破镜重圆

太好了!

在伦敦！

她要我搬去伦敦

但你住在纽约

这你也明白

你会怎么做？

我跟卡萝和苏珊商量商量

她们一定会同意，带班一起去伦敦

没错，你前妻一定会乐意出国

以便你和新欢开始新生活

有这个可能

你好，欢迎，见到你真好

你的电话

好

但我不希望接很多电话

你接电话，以接受认捐

但我是主持人

Gary Collins才是主持人，你接电话

你搞错了，我是德莫瑞医生！

这是你的电话，大医生

我不敢相信！竟找不到无私的好事！

知道住我隔壁的老头吗

我溜过去，把他家门口的树叶扫在一起

结果被他看见了，

无论如何要招待我好酒好糖吃

让我非常快活！这个老东西!

也许乔伊是对的，

也许所有的好事都是自私的

我会找到无私的好事。

我刚生了三个小孩

我可不能让他们接受

乔伊那一套价值观

请教一个烹饪的问题好吗？

假如你在炉子上煮东西

那说明你的新的地下男友的

床上功夫比理查德好吗？

钱德！

是不是啊？

我得尊重新男友的隐私

为什么？

假如我是你的神秘男友

而我得知自己给了你最好的爱

我会手舞足蹈的

好了，爱米丽

虽然我如此爱你

但很抱歉，我无法离开班，

搬来伦敦

我明白那很困难

你会考虑搬过来吗？

你曾经打算搬来的

现在搬来好不好？

我不知道。。。

好的，但我知道，即使到现在为止

我表现这样白痴

但是，请你务必过来

你来了，我们就可以重新开始了

好吧

你刚说“好吧”？

是的，现在我是白痴了

爱米丽，那太好了!

好极了！

我们将是相爱的一对白痴!

还有一件事，我到现在还很担心

告诉我吧

你要明白

我在教堂里有多丢脸

在亲朋好友面前

我明白。我很抱歉

当时我决定了要原谅你以后

却在机场碰见你跟她一起等飞机

再次致歉

我是说，我无法跟她相处

想到你跟她在同一屋檐下，

我就要发疯

爱米丽，我和瑞秋很清白

我爱你

好吧

我来纽约，我们冰释前嫌，

重新开始

太好了!

只要你答应我，和瑞秋一刀两断

我邀爱米丽搬来纽约

她答应了

太好了!

但她要求我不再见瑞秋

什么？那怎么行

你怎么说的？

我说我需要考虑。

但我怎么能做出这样的决定？

我真的是在问你们!

你不可能不再见瑞秋，

她是你最好的朋友之一

没错，但那样他就见不到爱米丽，

他的妻子

那倒是!

你从高中就认识瑞秋了，

你不能让她从你生命中消失!

对!

你做不到的

谢谢你们的帮忙，让我茅塞顿开

我们干等一天了。

你什么时候会出现在电视上？

我的经济人没安排好

但我还是上电视了，很好的曝光机会

你没上电视

现在呢？

他在那里!

你好，纽约!

现在我们把整只鸭子放进去

先放腿……

跟你们说多少遍了！

不许看烹饪频道！

我来拿乔伊借去的煎锅

是你的锅？

小鸭吐毛虫时，我们用它来接

饼干专卖店，秋季目录，第27页

四到六周后收到

乔伊今天一整天要拍电视

这里是我们的天下！

那又怎样？

难道你不想和你的第一号男朋友共度？

你知道吗？

我放弃这个机会

为什么

还问为什么？

你想说什么？

PBS节目

告诉你说，我找到了无私的好事

我到公园里让蜜蜂蜇了

那算好事？

那蜜蜂在他朋友面前会很骄傲

蜜蜂很快乐，而我没得到甜头

蜜蜂蜇了你，也许会死掉

见鬼!

30秒后开拍!

抱歉，换个座位好吗

没门，我要上镜

你坐这里一整天了

我在接受认捐

开始倒数：3，2——

欢迎回来！

如果您喜欢我们的节目Cirque Du Soleil

并希望看到更多丰富多采的节目

那非常简单

你们要做的就是来电话认捐

告诉我们的志愿者接线员，

您喜欢的节目类型—

受够了，我下不了决心。太难

我任凭命运之神帮我安排

神奇的算命8号球？

开玩笑！怎能用儿戏去决定!

那不是儿戏

我不知道还能怎样!

选妻子、就要失去一个老友

选朋友，就要在30岁前第二次离婚！

你们有什么高招，讲出来好了

因为我什么主意也没有

别羞羞答答的

什么建议都可以

那好

好

神奇8号球

我该不再见瑞秋吗

迟点再问

这算什么答案！

迟点再问

见鬼了！

坏掉了!不灵了！

让我看看

钱德今晚会嘿咻吗？

别指望

我认为它很灵

PBS节目

嗨，乔伊

嘿，菲比

我要认捐

我要捐200元

200元？

你确定吗？芝麻街亏待过你啊

我还在生他们的气

但他们给许多母亲还健在的小孩

带去了欢乐

为表支持，我要做件好事

但我不快乐

所以，这就是无私的好事！

你捐了钱以后感觉不好吗？

很不好! 我本打算存钱买仓鼠的

仓鼠？10元就能买到

我看中那只可不便宜

看来我们超越了去年的捐钱纪录

谢谢你!

那都是我们一位志愿者的功劳

噢!那是我们穿得最耀眼的一位

乔伊崔比昂尼先生!

噢，看!

乔伊上电视了!

太棒啦

我的认捐让乔伊上电视了

我感到——

喔，不!

听着

也许我之前表现得是有些过火

但我想要你知道

假如我是最棒的

都是你的功劳

接着说

遇到你之前，我一无所有

不信你打电话给我交往过的

其他女孩打听打听

就几个电话，很快就打完了

自从跟你好，自从我们在一起

天雷地火!

真的？

我的天!

如果你不愿再跟我好，我能理解

但那是错的

我们太般配了

我们分开，天理不容!

既然如此？

噢!

乔伊什么时候回来？

我们做我们的，不要他在场

别! 把手套留着

我刚打扫了卫生间

那取了手套吧

现在瞧我的厉害

好

我无意的！

我知道！

准备好走了吗，我们要迟到了

什么事迟到？

音乐会啊,记得吗？

还有20多分钟就开演了

我忘干净了

下次好吗。我在等爱米丽的电话

当然可以

听说你不用去伦敦，真好！

并没那么轻松，

我们的关系还没有理顺

哪方面？

还有些问题

爱米丽有一些要求

跟我说说，也许我能帮得上忙

你帮不了我

我不能接受你的好意，我自己解决

我知道你自己能处理，

但假如你想找人谈谈

谢谢

爱米丽想要什么

就给她什么

关键是：你爱她

满足她一切的要求

就行了

总要试试。否则你会后悔

快接电话，急死我了

喂

亲爱的

我一直在考虑

你的要求

我答应你

你来纽约吗？

前所未有

就是

505 The One With All the Kips

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, 3:02 A.M., Chandler is up. There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.]

Monica: (quietly) Hi!

Chandler: (quietly) Hi! (They both start kissing.)

(Joey enters and Chandler pushes her away.)

Joey: Monica? What time is it?

Chandler: Uhh, 9. (He pushes the clock into the sink.)

Joey: But it's dark out.

Monica: Well that's because you always sleep to noon, silly! This is what 9 looks like.

Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise. (He goes into the bathroom.)

Monica: I'm really getting tired of sneaking around.

Chandler: I know, me too. Hey! Y'know what if we went away for a whole weekend? Y'know we'd have no interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.

Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lotta naked.

Chandler: Yeah, I can say that I have a conference and you can say you have a chef thing.

Monica: Ohh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!

Chandler: Okay, y'know your not though. Let's go. (He starts for his bedroom.)

Monica: Wait! What about Joey?

(Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey passed out on the toilet with a toothbrush in his mouth.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Monica: (entering from her room) Hey, guess what I'm doing this weekend! I'm going to this culinary fair in New Jersey.

Phoebe: Oh weird, Chandler just told us he's got a conference there!

Monica: Oh now that-that-that's funny, it seems like Chandler's conference could've been in Connecticut or Vermont.

Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.

Ross: (entering) Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Is Rachel here? I gotta talk to her.

Monica: No, she's out shopping.

Ross: Damn!

Chandler: What's going on?

Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to y'know, talk to Rachel about it.

Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes you're just, you're not gonna see Rachel anymore?

Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)

Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never gonna be in the same room together? How is that even gonna work?

Ross: I have no idea. I mean… But-but I assure you I will figure it out.

(They all reflect briefly on what was said.)

Joey: Doesn’t seem like it's going to work, I mean…

Rachel: (entering) Hi, guys!

Joey: Hi!

Chandler: Uh, hey!

Rachel: What's going on?

Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.

Joey: So I'm thinking, basically we pick it up and then we flip it.

Phoebe: Yeah that's better than my way.

(They all agree and head to Monica's room.)

Rachel: Oh okay, hey guys, would you flip mine too?

Chandler: Aww, man! (They go into Monica's room.)

Rachel: (going through the mail) Oh look! A letter from my mom.

Ross: So, Rach, y'know-y'know how Emily's coming right?

Rachel: Oh yeah! I know.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler is trying to listen through the door.]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Can you hear anything?

Chandler: Oh yes, somebody just said, "Can you hear anything?"

(Joey is bent over at the waist and is looking for something under Monica's bed.)

Monica: Hey, Joey's ass! What are you doing?

Joey: (holding a box) Well, remember when they got in that big fight and broke up and we were all stuck in her with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, so I hid this in here.

Monica: Ooh, candy bars, crossword puzzles…

Phoebe: Ooh, Madlibs, mine! (Grabs it.)

Chandler: Condoms?

Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.

Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

[Cut to the living room.]

Ross: Anyway it-it kinda-it all boils down to this, the last time I talked to Emily…

Rachel: (interrupting) Oh my God! My dog died!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: Oh my God, Le Poo, our dog!

Ross: Le Poo's still alive?!

Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine-(turns over the note)-teen blocks. Oh. (They all come out from Monica's bedroom) Oh my God.

Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.

Rachel: It's Le Poo.

Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.

[Scene: Atlantic City, New Jersey, Chandler and Monica are about to start their weekend of sex, sex, nothing but sex.]

Chandler: (jumping on the bed) I can't believe it! We're here!

Monica: Ooh, chocolates on the pillows! I love that!

Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey, Roll-os everywhere.

Monica: Come here. (He does, and they kiss.) Okay, be right back.

(Goes to the bathroom and Chandler turns on the TV and finds a high-speed police chase.)

Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here! There's a high-speed car chase on!

(Monica returns, carrying a glass.)

Monica: We're switching rooms.

Chandler: (looks at what she's holding and shies away) Oh dear God, they gave us glasses!

Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them! I mean, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. (He glares at her.) Come on sweetie, I just want this weekend to be perfect, I mean we can change rooms, can't we?

Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is trying to tell Rachel about Emily's ultimatum again.]

Ross: Hey, so uh, y'know how there's something I wanted to talk to you about?

Rachel: Oh yeah! (Turns to face him.)

Ross: Well, y'know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing… Okay, (Rachel has her back turned to the camera, and Ross isn't looking at her.) here goes. I made a promise that-(they cut to the other camera and Ross notices something coming out of Rachel's nose)-Oh hey!

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're nose is bleeding!

Rachel: Oh God. (He hands her some tissues.) No! Oh not again! (Wiping her nose.) This-this happened when my grandfather died. It's ugh! Sorry. (She puts her head back.) Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what-what were you-what did you want to tell me?

Ross: Umm… (Rachel blows her nose.)

Rachel: Sorry. Sorry.

Ross: Okay, I uh, I can't see you anymore.

Rachel: Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous! I can't see you either.

[Scene: Chandler and Monica's weekend, a hotel clerk is showing them their new room.]

Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.

Chandler: Okay, great. (He grabs the remote and turns on the TV to the chase.)

Hotel Clerk: (watching the chase) They say he's only got half a tank left.

Chandler: Half a tank? We still got a lot of high-speed chasing to do!

Monica: We're switching rooms again.

Chandler: What? Why?

Monica: This is a garden view room, and we paid for an ocean view room.

Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.

Monica: (To Chandler) Excuse me, umm, can I talk to you over here for just a second?

Chandler: Uh-huh. (He doesn't take his eyes off the TV.)

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: (turning to face her) Yeah.

Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not gonna let 'em! And we're not a couple of suckers!

Chandler: I hear ya, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine okay? Can you just pick one so I can watch-(realizes)-have a perfect, magical weekend together with you.

[Time lapse, Monica and Chandler have changed rooms yet again.]

Monica: Okay, this one I like!

Chandler: (watching TV, in fact, ER is on.) Nothing! It's over! Dammit! This is regularly scheduled programming!

Monica: Can we turn the TV off? Okay? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?

Monica: Hey, don't blame me for wigging tonight!

Chandler: Oh, who should I blame? The nice bell man who had to drag out luggage to 10 different rooms?

Monica: I don't know, how about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas!

Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.

Monica: We're supposed to uh, be spending a romantic weekend together, it-it, what is the matter with you?

Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax mom.

Monica: What did you say?

Chandler: I said, "Geez, relax Monnnnn."

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading a magazine and has two tissues stuck up her nose in an attempt to stop the bleeding and as she hears Ross enter, she quickly hides her face behind the magazine and removes the tissues.]

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.

Rachel: Okay, what's up?

Ross: Okay, y'know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?

Rachel: Yeah, I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.

Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that what-what she wants…

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: …is for me not to see you anymore.

Rachel: That's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her? (Pause) (Realizes) Oh God. Ohh, you already agreed to this, haven't you?

Ross: It's awful I know, I mean, I feel terrible but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have too. But the good thing is we can still see each other until she gets here.

Rachel: Ohh! Lucky me! Oh my God! That is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Le Poo died!

Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.

Rachel: Oh yeah, really? Is it Ross? Yeah? Okay, well let me make this a just a little bit easier for you.

Ross: What are you doing?

Rachel: Storming out!

Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.

Rachel: Yeah, well that's how mad I am!!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is returning from his disastrous weekend. He throws his bag down and sits down on one of the leather chairs, but he sits on something and picks it up and throws it away.]

Chandler: Damn Rollos!

Joey: Hey, you're back!

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: How was your conference?

Chandler: It was terrible. I fought with (Pause) my colleagues y'know, the entire time. Are you kidding with this? (Throws away another Rollo)

Joey: Oh, so your weekend was a total bust?

Chandler: Uh, no, I got to see Donald Trump waiting for an elevator.

Monica: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey, you're back too!

Monica: Yeah. Umm, Chandler can I talk to you outside for a second?

Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?

Monica: Oh, it was awful. (To Chandler) I guess some people just don't appreciate really good food.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.

Monica: Chandler! (Motions for him to come outside.)

Chandler: Monica. (Follows her out.)

[In the hall.]

Monica: Okay, I'd like to know how much the room was because I'd like to pay my half.

Chandler: Okay, fine, $300.

Monica: 300 dollars?!

Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room!

Monica: Urghh!!

Joey: (sticking his head out the door) What are you guys woofing about?

Monica: Chandler stole a twenty from my purse!

Joey: Nooooo!!! Y'know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without twenties and you always have lots!

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.]

Ross: You should've seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me! I don't know what to do.

Joey: You want my advice?

Ross: Yes! Please!

Joey: You're not gonna like it.

Ross: That's okay.

Joey: You got married to fast.

Ross: That's not advice!

Joey: I told ya.

Ross: I'm going to the bathroom. (Gets up and exits.)

Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I couldn't do it.

Chandler and Phoebe: Yeah, me either.

Monica: Maybe I could do it.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hi, Rach.

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right?

Joey: I-I-I don't know if this falls under this category, but uh, Ross is right back there. (Points over his shoulder.)

Rachel: That's not Ross!

Phoebe: Oh no! Not that guy! He does look like him though.

Chandler: Okay, Ross is in the bathroom.

Rachel: Oh my God, its happening. It's already started. I'm Kip.

Joey: Hey, you're not Kip!

Rachel: (To Joey) Do you even know who Kip is?

Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel! (To Chandler) Who's Kip?

Chandler: Kip, my old roommate, y'know we all used to hang out together.

Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.

Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated when they broke up they couldn't even be in the same room together and you all promised that you would stay his friend and what happened? He got phased out!

Monica: You're not gonna be phased out!

Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not gonna happen to Ross! He's your brother. (To Chandler) He's your old college roommate. Ugh, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.

Phoebe: Ehh!!

Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away! You're not related. You lift right out.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.

Chandler: Yes that was mine.

Joey: 'Cause I figured you'd hooked up with some girl and she'd left it there.

Chandler: Yes that would have made more sense.

Joey: Y'know, I-I don't even feel like I know you anymore man! All right, look, I'm just gonna ask you this one time. And whatever you say, I'll believe ya. (Pause.) Were you, or were you not on a gay cruise?!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is sitting on couch and Rachel is getting some coffee. Phoebe keeps turning her head from to keep from looking at Rachel.]

Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!

Phoebe: Come where?

Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.

Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey too.

Ross: (entering) Pheebs, you mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?

Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.

Ross: Hi.

Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?

Ross: I talked to Monica, look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who's making things change, so I should be the one to y'know, step back.

Rachel: Oh, Ross…

Ross: No, no, it's okay. Really. They're plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving and just see their college roommates at reunions and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better?

Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.

Ross: Well, what-what would you do? Rach, if you were me, what-what would you do?

Rachel: Well, for starters I would've said the right name at my wedding!

Ross: I can't believe this is happening.

Rachel: I know.

Ross: I am so sorry.

Rachel: I know that too.

Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is doing a crossword puzzle.]

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Chandler: I just came over to drop off…nothing. So that weekend kinda sucked, huh?

Monica: Yeah, it did.

Chandler: So, I guess this is over.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.

Monica: Why, exactly?

Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.

Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than—Ohhh! (They both realize something there.)

Chandler: So, this isn't over?

Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about.

Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!

Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)

Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?

Monica: I'm afraid so.

Chandler: Okay.

(They kiss.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.

Monica: Yeah, I saw him waiting for an elevator.

(Joey thinks that sounds familiar, but dismisses the thought.)

Monica: Hey, Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler, I think I lost mine.

Rachel: Yeah, it's in there. (Points to the bathroom.)

(Joey puts two and two together.)

Joey: (shocked) Oh! Ohh! Oh!!

Chandler: Joey, can I talk to you for a second? (He grabs him and starts to drag Joey into Monica's room.)

Joey: Oohh!! Ohh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!!

(Chandler pushes him through the door and Monica closes it behind them.)

[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]

Joey: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Chandler: Yes. Yes. (Lets him up.)

Joey: (To Chandler) You?! (To Monica) And-and you?!

Monica: Yes, but you cannot tell anyone! No one knows!

Joey: How?! When?!

Chandler: It happened in London.

Joey: IN LONDON!!!

Chandler: The reason we didn't tell anyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Joey: But it is a big deal!! I have to tell someone!

(They both grab him and stop him.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no-no! You can't!

Monica: Please? Please?! We just don't want to deal with telling everyone, okay? Just promise you won't tell.

(Joey thinks it over.)

Joey: All right! Man, this is unbelievable! I mean, it's great, but…

Monica: I know, it's great!

(She goes over and kisses Chandler.)

Joey: Aww, I don't want to see that!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel.]

Phoebe: We're so stupid! Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Ross are playing Madlibs. Phoebe is reading hers.]

Phoebe: The most popular Phoebe in tennis is called the overhand Phoebe. And if you win, you must slap your opponent on the Phoebe and say, "Hi, Phoebe!"

Monica: Oh that's cute! We really all enjoyed it. But y'know, it doesn't count.

Phoebe: Count for what?

Monica: Count in our heads as-as good Madlibs.

(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)

Joey: I guess I'm done.

Chandler: Fun's over!

Monica: Wait-wait, guys! If-if we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something!

Rachel: Uh-huh!

Joey: I think I'm gonna take-off.

Monica: Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun! (They all leave and close the door on Monica.) Ohhh! (Throws her notepad down in disgust.)

End

505 我不想当Kip

莫妮？几点了？

早上9点

外面很黑

你总是一觉睡到中午，小笨蛋

9点钟就是这么黑！

我去洗漱

准备看日出

我厌倦了这样偷偷摸摸！

我也是。我们出去度周末怎样，

没人骚扰我们

整个周末都可以赤身裸体

整个周末？暴露个够

我就说去开会，

你也用工作来搪塞

对泽西州举办的烹饪盛会

我向往已久

好了，别忘了这是借口。

走吧

乔伊呢？

周末我要去新泽西州

参加烹调盛会

怪哉! 钱德刚说他要到那开会

有趣。怎么钱德

不到其他州开会

会议地点又不是我决定

何况开会又不是戏言，

是真有其事

瑞秋在吗？我得跟她谈谈

她出去买东西了

糟了!

此话怎讲？

我约了爱米丽过来

所以请你们通知瑞秋一声

等等

就是说，爱米丽来了，

你就不再见瑞秋了？

我只想专心恭候老婆大驾

而不想大吃胃药！

那你们再也不能共处一室？

怎么可能？

我不知道

但我一定能想出对策

这样肯定不行

嗨，各位

怎么了？

我们要帮莫妮拍床垫

我们要把床垫抬起来拍一拍

比我的做法高明

好，把我的也拍拍吧

天啊

我妈的信

瑞秋

你知道爱米丽要来了对吧

对，我知道

能听到吗？

对，有人说”能听到吗？”

嘿，乔伊的屁股

你干什么？

记得上次，他们大吵其架并且分手

我们困在这里，

整晚没有食物和补给

当罗斯在婚礼上说漏嘴，

我就知道悲剧又将重演了

所以我做好了准备

糖果条，纵横字谜

Madlibs游戏! 我要!

避孕套？

谁知道我们会困多久

说不定得在这里繁衍后代

避孕套可以帮助繁衍后代？

所以，结论就是，

上次我跟爱米丽谈到——

天啊!我的狗死了

什么?

-拉普，我家的狗！

拉普才刚死？

上面说，他被一辆雪糕车撞倒，

然后被拖了

19个街区!

天啊

亲爱的,我们听到你哭。别难过

是拉普出事了

知道你是哭拉普的死，

精彩的还在后面

做梦一样！我们溜出来啦！

枕头上有巧克力！我喜欢!

你该跟乔伊同住，

到处都有巧克力

我去去就来

好耶！

莫妮快来！警匪追车！

我们要换房

天啊! 杯子！

有唇膏印子！

他们连杯子都没换，

其他用品更不会换了

亲爱的

我只希望这个周末完美无缺

我们换房，好吗？

要换就赶快。他们刚刚减速

你知道我想跟你谈什么吗？

我知道

你晓得的，

我一直想跟爱米丽重修旧好

所以

有件事

我说了吧

我允诺她——

什么?

你流鼻血

天!

在流血

又来了

我祖父去世时我流过鼻血

抱歉

哦

很抱歉，刚才你跟我说什么来着

抱歉。抱歉

我不能再见你面了

真扯，我也看不见你了

你们会满意这间房的

据说他只剩一半的油了

一半？那还有得看！

我们要再换房！

什么？为什么？

这是花园景观，我们付钱看海景的

我们最后一间海景房

已经被你换掉了

抱歉。我能跟你谈谈吗？

这些小丑想糊弄我们

我才不会上当！

我们又不是一对小孩

知道了，

哪间房都好

只要挑一间，让我看——

让我跟你共度美妙周末

这间我喜欢

没了！演完了！见鬼！

只剩日常电视节目

能把电视关掉吗？

我们真的要这样浪费周末吗？

抱歉，是我以换房为乐吗？

别怪我！

我该怪谁？怪客气的服务生

把我们的行李换了十间房吗？

怪那个只剩一半汽油还想

从纽约逃到加拿大的蠢货如何？

别说死人的坏话

我们本要共度浪漫周末

你怎么回事？

我只想看点电视，有什么大不了

别急，妈妈

你说什么？

我说”别急，莫妮”

我一直想跟你谈谈这事，

现在我必须说清楚

好，什么事？

你说过，我应该尽一切努力挽救婚姻

对，我说过，满足爱米丽一切要求

很好的建议。她的要求就是：

要我不再见你

好离谱! 怎么可能！

你打算怎么跟她解释

天啊!

你答应了。对吗？

我知道这很糟

但为了挽救婚姻，我不得不这么做

我迫不得已，我不想再离婚了

幸好，她来之前我们还能见面

我真幸运！好消息！

这是拉普死后最好的消息!

你不知道这决定让我多痛苦

真的？罗斯？

我帮你止痛

你要干嘛？

我要冲出去！

这是你家

这下你知道我多生气了？

见鬼的巧克力!

你回来了! 会开得如何？

很糟。我一直跟——同事吵架

搞什么飞机？

周末很糟糕？

那倒也不是，我看到名人等电梯

你也回来了

钱德，出来谈谈？

你的烹饪大会怎样？

很糟

有些人不爱美食

是不是那些食物好吃

但让人呕吐且拉肚子？

房钱多少？我付一半

好，300元

300元？

想想看！每个房间25元！

你们商量什么呢？

钱德偷了我一张20元的

这就对了！

难怪我总是没有20元的，

你却有很多！

你们该看看她的表情

我不想让瑞秋恨我

我该怎么办

要听我的建议吗？

请说

不中听

说吧,没事

你这次结婚太仓促

这算建议？

早说过不中听

我去厕所先

放弃你们中的任何一个？

我可不干

我也是

也许我可以！

你们听说我和罗斯的纠纷了

今天我深受困扰，

现在不想再提了，可以吗

我不知道这算不算犯忌

但罗斯就在那儿

那不是罗斯

虽然他很像罗斯

罗斯在洗手间

天啊! 终于开始了！我成了Kip

你才不是Kip

你晓得谁是Kip？

管他是谁！你是瑞秋

谁是Kip？

我的旧室友，我们曾经玩得很好

噢，是那条可怜虫呀

你跟我说过他的事。

他和莫妮约会过

他们分手后无法共处一室，

你们都保证会继续跟他做朋友

结果呢？他被踢出局了！

你不会出局！

怎么不会？罗斯不会这么惨，

他是你哥哥，你的大学室友

迟早有一天，有人会离开这个团队

我本以为离开的会是菲比

宝贝，你住得远，又不是亲戚

你不同类

嘿，宾先生

你住的那家宾馆来电

说有人在你房间留下了睫毛夹

对，那是我的

是不是你带去的什么妞留下的

你的说法似乎更合理

我越来越不了解你了！

我只问你一次

不管你说什么，我都相信你

你是不是

参加了同性恋游行？

抱歉那天我说话伤了你的心

我们和好吧？

怎么个和好法？

我们要同进同出

当最好的朋友

好，拉乔伊也入伙

菲比，我跟瑞秋单独谈谈好吗？

当然

再见，罗斯

永别

你还来干嘛，你犯规

我跟莫妮谈过了

做选择的人是我

是我让一切面目全非

所以让步的也应该是我

其实没什么

很多人都只在感恩节能见到姐妹

在同学会才能见到大学室友

在汉堡店广告上才能见到乔伊

我这么说，好受点？

不，不好

我还是不能见你

假如你是我，你会怎样做？

首先，结婚宣誓时，我要说对名字

没想到事情变成这样

我知道

很抱歉

我也知道

嘿，瑞秋

抱歉打扰，但菲比说

你要跟我谈谈旅行什么的

我只是顺路过来

没什么事

那个周末很滥，对吧？

是

我们完了？

你和我，总有分手的一天

为什么

周末我们吵架了

钱德，别傻了

如果一吵架就分手

那你谈恋爱不会超过——

我们没分手？

你真可爱!

只是吵架

吵过就算了。并不可怕

真的？太好了

欢迎你加入成年人的恋爱关系

我们是在恋爱？

恐怕是的

我听说你参加大会时见到名人？

对，看到他等电梯

我能用你的睫毛夹吗？我的丢了

在浴室里

我能跟你谈谈吗？

没错！

你？

还有你？

你要保密，他们都不知道

怎么发生的？什么时候？

在伦敦

伦敦!

我们不声张，是不想把事情闹大

但这是大事!我必须告诉谁

不许

求你，我们不想告诉大家

你保证你不说出去

好吧！

难以置信!

太棒了!

是很棒!

我才不要看!

我们真笨

知道他们在里面干嘛？

他们想拉拢乔伊!

在网球界最受欢迎的菲比叫投手菲比

取胜后拍拍对手的菲比

然后说”嗨，菲比!”

很可爱，我们都爱听，但是不算

不算什么？

不算玩得好的Madlibs游戏

我玩够了

游戏结束

等等，照规矩做

不但有趣而且有意义

我退出

伙计们，规则是好东西

规则使乐趣也有条有理

506 The One With The Yeti

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are making out on one of the chairs.]

Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! None of that, not while you're living under my roof!

Monica: What?!

Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it.

Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?

Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman! (Starts for his room.) And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition! Okay, look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are gonna have to pretend there's nothing to know about.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

Monica: Sorry.

Chandler: Sorry.

(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)

Joey: (from the bedroom) I can hear that!

Monica: (To Chandler) Rachel's at work.

(They both go to her apartment.)

(Pause.)

Joey: I can still hear you!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Monica are there as Phoebe enters carrying a large box.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hello!

Monica: Hey, what's that?

Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.

(She puts her leg up on the chair and removes this huge knife from her boot to open the box with. The guys are shocked at the knife's existence.)

Phoebe: Eeeee-(She opens the box and removes its contents and sees that it's a fur coat.)-ohh!! God! (She throws it at Joey.)

Joey: Argh-argh!! (Catches the coat.) Ooh, soft. Is this mink?

Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur? Doesn't she know me but at all! Plus, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make!

Chandler: Yeah, just some 9-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for 12 cents an hour. (Phoebe stares at him wide-eyed. Chandler sees her reaction.) That didn't happen, I made that up!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Gunther: Oh, Ross? Ross! You can't put up flyers in here.

Ross: How come? Everybody else does.

Gunther: You can't.

Monica: What is that?

Ross: Oh, umm, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.

Monica: (looking at the flyer) This is all of your things.

Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good it's—Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know brand new.

Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.

Ross: Touched. Used. Sat on. Sleep on.

Gunther: I'll take it all.

Joey: Hey, Ross, you're okay with that?

Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Chandler: Okay, but don't you think this is a little extreme?

Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?

Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy! When my friend Silvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him and turned his thingy green.

(Ross suddenly gets up and heads for the bathroom.)

Joey: (after Ross is gone) What is he doing? What, Emily, thinks Ross's furniture has got Rachel coodies?

Monica: Now calm down Joey.

Joey: No! Everything's gettin' all messed up, y'know? Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not gonna stop seeing Rachel, hence Ross stops seeing us!

Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything's changing.

Chandler: Yeah I know, we're losing Ross, Joey said hence…

Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but y'know if-if Ross says he's happy then we're just gonna have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that?

Joey: No! But y'know, I'm an actor, I'll act cool.

[Scene: The Storage Room in the basement of Monica and Rachel's building, Monica and Rachel are looking for something.]

Rachel: Ohh, whoa God! Storage rooms give me the creeps! Monica, come on please hurry up honey! Please?

Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you gotta have to wait until I find the little waffle iron.

Rachel: I want the little round waffles.

Monica: All right. (Looking through a box.) Op, here it is! Right underneath the can of-of bug bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath the can of poison?

(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? I'll-I'll have toast!

(She starts to run out but is stopped by a figure looming out of the darkness carrying a pick axe.)

Rachel: Arghhhh!!!!!!

(They both start screaming at the top of their lungs.)

Monica: Oh my God! Fog him! Fog him!

(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: I don't know what I'm gonna do about this coat.

Joey: I'll take it!

Phoebe: That might work! (She gives him the coat.)

Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah! (He drapes it around his shoulders.) Enh? All right, what do you think?

Chandler: You're on in 5 Ms. Minnelli.

Ross: (on the phone) No-no-no, it's just a bit sudden. (Listens) No, it's great. Okay? I'm totally on board. I love you too, all righty. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Joey: What's the matter Ross?

Ross: Nothing. Oh, actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and it looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Woo-hoo!

Phoebe: Why?

Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet, it's got a view of the river on one side and Columbia on the other.

Joey: That's way uptown! That's like three trains away! (Phoebe pinches him.) Which is great! I love to ride that rail!

Chandler: So you're really okay with this?

Ross: Yes! Yes! I mean it's-it's kinda far from work, but uh, y'know, I'll get so much done on the commute. I-I've been given the gift of time!

Chandler: Now that's so funny, because last Christmas I got the gift of space. We should get them together and make a continuum.

(Ross exits.)

Joey: Now he's movin'? Man, what is Emily doing to him? (Phoebe pinches him again.) Ow!! He's not even here!!!

(Monica and Rachel enter breathless.)

Rachel: You guys! You guys!

Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!

Rachel: It was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!

Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!

Rachel: (proud of herself) Yeah, I-I-I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!

Joey: Uhh, like dark hair, bushy beard?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.

Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny! Who's Danny?

Joey: Dan just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from like this four-month trek in the Andes. Nice fella.

Monica: Oh he's nice. He's nice! Y'know, you always stick up for the people we fog!

[Scene: Their Building, Monica and Rachel are going to apologize to Danny. Rachel knocks on his door, which he opens and he has this really bushy beard and long hair. Picture Paul Bunyan.]

Danny: Yeah?

Rachel: Hi! You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.

Monica: We're-we're really sorry we fogged you.

Danny: Okay.

(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)

Rachel: Hi! Just so you know, we-we didn't mean to fog you, we thought you were like a yeti or something.

Danny: Okay.

(He closes the door again. Once again, Rachel knocks (harder this time) and he answers it.)

Danny: Yesss?

Rachel: Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I don't think we can accept your acceptance of our apology, it just doesn't really seem like you mean it.

Monica: Yeah.

Danny: O-kay!

(He closes the door before Rachel can say anything.)

Monica: Wow! That guy is so rude!

Rachel: Really! What is with that guy? I mean you'd forgive me if I fogged you.

Monica: Well you did a little bit.

Rachel: Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry!

Monica: I totally forgive you!

Rachel: Really?

Monica: Yes!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a drink as Phoebe enters with the fur coat.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: So listen, you know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?

Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure!

Phoebe: He says, that he would cremate my fur coat for free if I umm, y'know, bring in the next person I know who dies.

(Rachel enters from the bathroom and sees the coat.)

Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts!

Monica: Don't get too attached, she's having it cremated.

Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!

Phoebe: This is fashion?! (Grabs the coat from Rachel.) Okay, so to you, death is fashion?! That's really funny. (She puts the coat on and starts to model it.) Here's Phoebe umm, sporting uh, y'know, cutting edge hairy carcass from y'know, the steal traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really thing this looks good? (Sees herself in the mirror.) 'Cause I do.

[Scene: Ross's Apartment, the gang is helping Ross move out by carrying boxes. Chandler has picked a particularly large and apparently heavy box, because he takes a running start at it and still can't budge it.]

Ross: (on phone) I know I miss you too. I can't wait to see you. I love you. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Chandler: Okay, what is in here? Rocks?

Ross: No-no, this is my collection of fossil samples.

Chandler: So, rocks.

(He picks up a smaller box and carries it to the moving van as Joey returns.)

Ross: I'm really gonna miss this apartment. Y'know, Ben-Ben took his first steps right over there. (Points.)

Joey: Ohh. Hey, remember when I ran into this thing (The shutters that close off the kitchen.) and it kinda knocked me out a little?

Ross: I loved this place! To tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.

Joey: Uhh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?

Ross: Well, I mean if uh, if Emily gave me a choice…

Joey: You do have a choice!! Ross, why are you listening to her?! Are you, are you crazy?!

Ross: Why?

Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally-(The gang enters behind Joey and Phoebe pinches him again.)-Owww!! Stop pinching me! Look, now you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well he just told me that he's not entirely happy.

Ross: What's going on?

Joey: We all hate Emily!

Phoebe: Nooo!!

Monica: No, Ross, we do not hate Emily. We-we just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Look, we just think that maybe she's being a little unreasonable.

Joey: Yes! Yes! Unreasonable!

Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married! You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work! All right, it's about compromise! Do you always like it? No! Do you do it? Yes! Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time! It's real life, okay? It's what grown-ups do! (He storms out.)

Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffeehouse way too much.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are recovering from Ross's rebuke.]

Monica: God, I feel so guilty about Ross.

Phoebe: Oh, I know.

Joey: I kinda feel like it's my fault.

(Monica and Chandler turn and stare at him.)

Chandler: Kind of? If you just kept this to yourself none of this would've happened.

Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out! (He glares at Chandler.)

Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said.

(Monica pats Joey on the shoulder.)

Phoebe: All right, I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places. (She puts on her fur coat.)

Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?

Phoebe: Well, I've been reading up and for your information, minks are not very nice. Okay, I admit it! I love this coat! Okay, I—it's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Huntley! (She starts to leave but stops and says to Monica.) Remember Phil Huntley? He was fine!

[Scene: Their building's lobby, Danny is checking his mailbox as Rachel enters carrying shopping bags and goes to her mailbox. Danny has shaved his beard and cut his hair, Rachel doesn't recognize him.]

Rachel: Hi!

Danny: So you like the short hair better.

Rachel: What? Yeti—I mean Danny?

Danny: I had to cut my hair to get rid of the uh, fogger smell.

Rachel: Oh. Listen, I'm so sorry. I would, I would've never fogged you if y'know if you hadn't looked so…. Y'know.

Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.

Rachel: (shocked) What?

Danny: That's cool. Cool. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: What? Hey! No-no-no! This not cool! You don't even know me!

Danny: Come on, you got the shopping bags and the Sack's catalog.

Rachel: So from that you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! Y'know I-I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!

Danny: Do you?

Rachel: Well, y'know, if-if kids like to play with Capri pants.

Danny: Okay. (Heads for his apartment.)

Rachel: And stop saying that! I hate that!

Danny: Okay!

(Rachel decides not to give up that easily and follows him to his apartment and bangs on the door, which he opens.)

Rachel: Fine! I judged you. I made a snap judgement. But you did it too! And you are worse because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgement! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see if you're wrong! What does that say about you?

Danny: The pizza-place across the street any good?

Rachel: What?!

Danny: I'm hungry. Wanna get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.

Rachel: Okay. Okay.

Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.

[Scene: Ross's now empty apartment, he is spackling some holes shut as the gang comes to apologize.]

Chandler: Uh, Ross?

Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?

Ross: Yep.

Phoebe: Oh good! Because we have an "I'm sorry" song.

Ross: Y'know what? I'm really not in the mood.

Joey: Look, Ross, I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff and I just acted like a jerk.

Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.

Phoebe: (To Chandler) You're kinda stepping on the song. (She gets ready to play but is stopped by…)

Joey: Look, we were way out of line, we totally support you.

Monica: Whatever you decide, whatever you do.

Phoebe: Okay, now you're just taking lines right out of the song!

Ross: Look, this is hard enough! I really need you guys right now.

Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why…

(She starts to play her song, but is stopped by Monica.)

Monica: Why don't you come over tonight? And I'll make you favorite dinner.

Ross: Okay. Thanks you guys. Pheebs are you wearing fur?

Phoebe: Okay, let's get some perspective people; it's not like I'm wearing a seeing-eye dog coat!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang, minus Rachel, are getting ready for dinner.]

Joey: Hey, y'know Ross, I think I kinda understand why I kinda lost it today.

Ross: You do, huh?

Joey: Yeah you see umm, well, I'm an actor. Right? So I gotta keep my emotions right at the surface y'know? See what I'm saying? I gotta lot of balls in the air. (Makes like he's juggling.) Y'know what I mean? It's tough! Guys like me, y'know, you wander around, you're alone…

Ross: What are you talking about?

Joey: (thinks) I'm not sure.

Rachel: (entering) Hi!

Monica: Hey, look at you! Where have you been?

Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.

Monica: How did that happen?

Rachel: That yeti is one smooth talker.

Monica: I hope you're not full, 'cause dinner's almost ready.

Rachel: Yeah, y'know I-I think I'm just gonna hang out in my room.

All: No! Why?

Rachel: Come on you guys! Listen, if Emily knew I was here having dinner you with you she would flip out and you know it. It's okay, I really… I don't mind.

Ross: Wait! Wait! Wait! Y'know what? Just stay. Please? It uh… It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed.

Rachel: Ross, I…

Joey: RACHEL PLEASE!!! JUST HAVE DINNER WITH US!!!

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Joey, it's okay. Settle down.

Joey: All right, I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see Rach I'm an actor…

[Time lapse, dinner is now finished and Ross is looking out the window.]

Ross: Hey! Hey, look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!

(They all run over to the window.)

Rachel: I haven't seen him in so long!

Phoebe: Oh God, I really missed that fat bastard!

(Pause.)

Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this might be the last time we'll all be hanging out together.

Joey: It's almost as if he knew.

(The phone rings.)

Monica: I'll get it. (On phone.) Hello. (Listens.) Hi Emily! (Listens.) Yeah, uh you-you tracked him down. Hold on one second. (She hands the phone to Ross.)

Ross: Hey! (Listens.) Yeah-yeah, we're just having dinner. (Listens.) Uh, yeah, sure uh hold on. (To the gang.) She wants to say hi. (To Emily) Hold on.

(Ross puts her on speakerphone.)

Phoebe: Hi Emily!

Chandler: Hi!

Emily: Hello everyone. So who am I saying hello too?

Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!!

Emily: (laughs) Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.

(Rachel waves her hands in disgust and starts to head for her room.)

Ross: Y'know what? Uh, Rachel is here! (Rachel stops.)

Emily: She's there?!

Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!

Ross: Yeah, yeah, she's here.

Emily: Ross, take me off speakerphone.

(He does so.)

Ross: (on phone) Hi.

Emily: How can you do this too me?! I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear!

Ross: (going onto the patio) Look Emily, I'm just having dinner with my friends, okay?

Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.

Ross: Emily that's ridiculous. Look, I'm-I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you. Please, just get on the plane and come to New York. Okay, you'll see you're the only person I want to be with.

Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there, and I can know where you are all the time.

Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never gonna work if you don't trust me.

Emily: You're right.

Ross: So, can you trust me?

(Pause.)

Emily: No.

(Ross lowers his head.)

[Cut to the inside of the apartment.]

Joey: I think it's going okay. Looks like he's smiling.

Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head!

Joey: You can totally tell! Here look, watch me. (He stands up and turns his back to them so that he is facing the window.) Smile! Frown. Smile! Frown. (The camera cuts to Ross outside hanging up the phone.) Smile! (Ross turns around and sees Joey alternately smiling and frowning and just stares at him for a second and heads back inside.)

Ross: Well, I guess that's it.

All: Why, what happened?

Joey: What happened? What happened?

Ross: My marriage is over.

All: What?!

Monica: Oh, sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering.

Phoebe: Here. (She wraps her coat around his shoulders.)

Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?

Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.

Ending Credits

[Scene: A curbside newsstand, Phoebe is whistling and walking up to it wearing her fur coat. She stops and starts to look through a magazine and notices a squirrel on a nearby tree chirping at her.]

Phoebe: (to the squirrel) Okay, stop tormenting me! This mink! Okay, they're mean! And they hate squirrels! And y'know, okay, most of these probably wanted to be coats! (The squirrel stares at her.) All right, fine, now I get it. (To the clerk.) Here. (She hands him her coat.) You take it. (To the squirrel.) Are you happy now? I'm cold!

End

506 雪男

嘿,在我家不准那么肉麻

什么?

我晓得你们的丑事，

并不表示我就得享这个眼福

你不是去试镜，还有一个小时才回来？

很抱歉！我不是中年黑人妇女

抱歉我的试镜不是今天！

要想让我装聋作哑、不声张

你们最好收敛一点！

好，抱歉

我听得见！

瑞秋上班去了

还是听得见!

什么好东西？

妈妈把祖母留下的传家宝给我了

很扯吧？

一年前我连家人都没有

现在我居然可以炫耀传家宝!

天哪!

真柔软

这是貂皮大衣吗？

我妈妈怎么送我这个？

她是第一天认识我还是怎么？

我的大衣很美，而且没有

连累无辜的动物遭殃

只是害许多廉价的菲律宾幼童

做到手指出血罢了

每小时只赚12美分

没这回事！我瞎扯的！

你不能在这里贴广告

什么？别人不是都可以？

就你不能

什么东西？

我要处理掉一些物品

这是你全部家当啊！

对，

是爱米丽建议我们的用品全部换新的

烙上我俩共同生活的印记，

日用品大换血

这场大甩卖，意在除掉瑞秋的痕迹嘛

瑞秋碰过的，用过的，坐过的，睡过的

我全买了

罗斯你不生气吗？

假如我听她话

爱米丽就会飞来纽约，

之后我们就幸福了

你不觉得她的要求有点过火？

可是先犯错的是我！怎能怪她？

你这么轻松就脱身，算是走狗运了！

我朋友Silvie的丈夫在床上叫错了名字

结果遭到了她最恶毒的诅咒

那玩意都变绿了

他干嘛？

爱米丽竟认为

罗斯的用品有瑞秋的味道？

冷静点，乔伊

太可怕了!

爱米丽让罗斯和瑞秋绝交

我们肯定不会跟瑞秋绝交

由此推理，罗斯不会再跟我们玩了

哦，真讨厌啊，世事无常！

我们将失去罗斯，

乔伊竟学会推理

这是叫人不愉快，但既然罗斯说他很快乐

我们就得隐瞒对爱米丽的不满

想通了吗

没有！不过我是演员

我就假装想通了吧

储藏室让我浑身鸡皮疙瘩

亲爱的，动作麻利点！

想吃小圆饼干，就得等我

找到烘饼的铁模

我是想吃

找到啦！

就在杀虫剂下面放着呢

炊具应该放在毒药底下？

好，我吃土司去了

快拿药喷他！

我不知道拿这件大衣怎么办

我要

好

好看吗？

美得冒泡，明娜丽女士

不，只是有点突然

好主意，我完全赞成

我也爱你，再见

什么事？

没什么

好消息！

我刚跟爱米丽通完电话

我们要搬家了！耶！

为什么要搬？

她认为，而我也同意

新家具该配新房间

她表弟有好房子要转租

临河而居，而且能看到哥伦比亚的美景

离市区太远了！要坐火车才能到！

真棒!

我爱坐火车

你真赞成搬家？

就可惜上班远了点

但我来回路上可以做很多事

我得到了时间这个礼物

有趣，去年圣诞节我收到的礼物是空间

我们该把它们合二为一

罗斯又要搬家了！

爱米丽怎么能这样控制他

他不在场你还掐我!

诸位！

储藏室有个

叫人毛骨悚然的家伙！

他目露凶光，毛发浓密，

像个大脚兽或是雪男什么的

他手持斧头朝我们走过来，

瑞秋用杀虫剂喷他

我揭开盖子就喷了他满头满脸

那个人是不是黑头发、大胡子？

是

对了，你攻击的是丹尼

才没有呢

丹尼是谁？

丹尼刚搬到楼下

他刚去安第斯山脉徒步

旅行了四个月。他是好人

他是好人？你总是

说我们喷错了人

你也许忘了，

上次喷你杀虫剂的是我们俩

对不起,是误会

没关系

我们不是故意的

我们以为你是雪男什么的

没事的

抱歉打扰你，但我们不能接受

你接受道歉的方式

你不够真诚

-没关系！

那家伙很粗鲁!

真是的，他有什么毛病！

如果我喷到你，你一定会原谅我的！

你的确是喷到我身上了

噢，天啊，非常抱歉

我完全原谅你了

真的？

对！

你们知道

我朋友Chris是开火葬场的

火葬场Chris，知道他

他说，如果我介绍死人去他那里火化

他就可以免费火葬我的皮衣

天啊，多好的皮衣!

别想了，她要拿去火化了

菲比，我们都知道你有性格

我完全理解你

但假如你把这么好的大衣葬送掉

就简直犯罪！是破坏自然！

不是破坏自然，而是破坏时尚！

这叫时尚？

对你来说，死亡是时尚

有趣

这是菲比穿着

动物尸体上扒下的毛皮

毛皮还是从寒冷的俄罗斯偷运来的

你真的觉得好看吗？

我觉得好看

我明白，我也想你

我等不及要见你

我爱你。再见

这是什么，石头吗？

不，是我的化石样品

那就是石头

我舍不得这房子

班就是在那里蹒跚学步

记得吗，上次这玩意儿

还碰了我的头

我爱这房子

说真的，我真不愿搬走

就是说，你不很赞成搬家？

假如爱米丽让我选的话——

你本有选择权的!

你干吗听她指挥？疯了？

爱米丽这样对你，她大错特错了！

她简直——

别再掐我!

你们说过只要罗斯高兴，我就

不该多管闲事的

但他刚说他不是很高兴

怎么回事？

我们都讨厌爱米丽!

不，罗斯，我们不讨厌爱米丽

我们只是觉得

你为了讨她欢心

牺牲太多

也许她有一点不讲道理

对，不讲道理

不讲道理？

等你们谁结婚了再谈这个话题好吗？

你们根本不知道怎样

才能拥有幸福的婚姻

退一步海阔天空！

谁喜欢妥协？都不喜欢！

但是不喜欢也得退让！

因为生活不光是欢笑和甜蜜

还有泡咖啡馆喝咖啡

这是真实的生活，明白吗？

成年人过的生活！

我想他说得对

你们在咖啡馆里呆太长时间了

我对罗斯感到很抱歉

我知道

好象是我的错

好象？

你要是免开尊口，根本就不会吵架

我保守太多秘密了！

我甭不住了行不行啊？

我想你当时说出感受，是非常勇敢的

不能再坐下去了，我得出去走走

你穿着大衣？不是要保护动物权益吗？

我一直在查资料

告诉你吧，貂皮大衣并不是那么好

好吧我承认了吧，

我喜欢这大衣，可以了吧

那是我拥有过最好的衣服！

Phil Huntley的拥抱也赶不上它的质感！

还记得Phil Huntley吗？他不错

你喜欢短发是吧？

说什么？雪男？

不，丹尼？

我不得不剪掉头发，

杀虫剂的味道太浓

我很抱歉，不该对你无礼

可你当时的确太——

是啊，有些人就只注重外表

你说什么？

那也没什么

不是那样的！

你根本不了解我！

你拎着购物袋，

还有那么多产品目录

就凭这个，你就以为看穿我了？

你错了

袋子里难道就不能是

我买给穷孩子的玩具吗？

是吗

孩子们就不能穿

这只牌子的裤子吗？

好吧

不许再说这个字！讨厌你老这么说！

算了，我的确是以貌取人了

但你不也一样！

更过分的是，你还对我有成见

你根本没想过你可能会犯错！

对吧！

街对面的披萨店如何？

什么?

我很饿。吃披萨吗？

如果你还不解恨，吃完再骂我

好吧

不许说这个字,我讨厌这个字

你还在生我们的气吗？

是

好!我们要唱一首歌叫《对不起》

我不想听

罗斯

我很难过。你处境困难

而我却还给你添乱

我们很抱歉

还唱不唱了？

我们太不上路了，

其实我们都支持你

支持你所有的决定和作法

你竟抢歌词！

现在已经够困难的了！

我真的很需要你们

对!所以我们要唱——

今晚上过来吧，我给你做好吃的

谢谢。

菲比你穿皮衣？

看开点

我穿的又不是导盲犬的皮！

罗斯，我想我明白

今天为什么惹你生气了

是吗？

是啊

我是个演员，不是吗

我的七情六欲都写在脸上，明白吗？

难办啊，懂吗？

这很不容易。像我这样的男人，

四处流浪，孤单凄凉

你在说什么？

不晓得

你到哪去了？

我去吃披萨

跟丹尼一起

怎么回事？

那雪男很会说话

希望你没吃太饱

晚餐快准备好了

我还是呆在房间里好了

为什么

想想看

假如爱米丽知道我跟你吃饭

她会发疯的

没事的，我不介意独处

等等，留下来吧

求你

我需要你留下

罗斯，我只是

求你，就跟我们一起吃顿饭

好吧，我答应

好了，很抱歉

瑞秋，我是个演员

嘿，看!丑陋裸男回来了

我们好久没见他了

天!我真的很想念那个死胖子

奇怪

我感觉这好象是我们大家

最后一次呆在一起了

他好象知道似的

我去接

嗨，爱米丽

他是在这里，等等

对，我们在吃晚餐

好的，等等

她想跟你们打招呼

嗨，爱米丽!

大家好

那边都有谁在？

我不清楚都有谁在，

但我能肯定的告诉你，

瑞秋不在!

最好是那样！罗斯现在懂事多了

知道吗，瑞秋在

她在？

噢，对，她在这里!

她在这里

请把免提关掉

你怎能这样对我？

我希望你离开瑞秋，

难道我表达得还不够清楚吗？

我只是跟朋友吃顿饭

你显然离不开她

不要无理取闹

我为了你搬家、

为了你跟朋友疏远

求你飞到纽约来

然后你就会明白

你是我唯一想要的人

我来了以后，如果能随时

掌握你的动向，我会更安心

我不可能随时向你报告我的位置

你若不信任我，婚姻怎么会幸福？

你说得对

信任我、好吗？

不

他们会和好的

他好象在笑

你怎么知道？

你只能看到他的后脑勺！

怎么可能不知道！

看我表演

微笑，皱眉

微笑！

完蛋了

为什么？

怎么了？

我的婚姻完了

什么?

看你，你在发抖

披上它

亲爱的，我们能为你做点什么吗？

帮我把家当从阿甘那里搬回来

别再折磨我啦！

穿皮草是不对！知道吗，

这些动物它们讨厌松鼠

它们就想当皮衣

我懂了

拿去吧，

给你

现在你高兴了！冷死我了!

507 The One Where Ross Moves In

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is looking at a National Geographic and giggling.]

Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribe's women?

Joey: No, look. (Shows him the magazine.)

Chandler: That's a pig.

Joey: I know, I know, but look at the knobs on her.

(Ross enters and his hair is a mess.)

Chandler: Hey! (Joey quickly hides the magazine under the couch.)

Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Why?

Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.

Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?

Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family!

Joey: Hey, you can stay with us! We'll take care of ya!

Chandler: Oh, yeah! Absolutely! Anything you need man! But you have to promise me the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: You got it.

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Thanks you guys, I really appreciate this. All right, I'm gonna get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.

(Joey starts giggling.)

Ross: What?

Chandler: He thought you said gonad.

(Joey busts out laughing.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica's restaurant, she is getting inspected by the health department, Phoebe is watching.]

Health Inspector: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant is as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.

Monica: Oh, Larry.

Phoebe: Umm, do health inspectors work on commission?

Larry: No, bribes.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: It's okay to laugh right?

Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.

Phoebe: Okay. (She laughs harder.)

Larry: I'll check the kitchen floors.

Monica: Okay, knock yourself out, Larry.

(He goes into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: Yum-my!

Monica: Larry?

Phoebe: Oh yeah! I'd let him check out my kitchen floors.

Larry: (entering) A 98. I deducted 2 points because you are not wearing your chef's hat, and that is a Section 5 violation.

Monica: Uh, look, Larry honey, umm, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.

Larry: And where is your hat?

Monica: It's in the kitchen, I'll go get it.

(She heads for the kitchen door and just after she goes through the door…)

Larry: Ahh that's the 2 points.

Phoebe: Hey, you should really read that book you wrote. (To Larry) Wow! You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew that she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You can have your own health inspector detective show!

Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.

Phoebe: Yeah, but then I can be you sidekick Vunda.

Larry: Maybe uh, Vunda could give me her number and I can ask her to dinner sometime.

Phoebe: Okay, she would love that! Y'know, 'cause you know all the clean places to eat.

Larry: I-I'll call ya.

Phoebe: Okay.

(Larry goes to leave but heads the wrong way and makes a quick sidestep to go out the right door.)

Phoebe: He's so funny! (She imitates what he just did.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is serving Monica and Rachel.]

Monica: Thanks.

Rachel: Thank you. (To Monica) Mon?

Monica: Hmm?

Rachel: How's Ross doing? Y'know since all the Emily stuff.

Monica: He's not great umm, but he's dealing with it. Oh wait a minute, you're not gonna try…

Rachel: Oh, honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna screwed up for a looong time. And besides y'know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.

Monica: Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married.

(Danny enters.)

Danny: (To Gunther) Two pounds of Moca Java please.

Monica: (To Monica) Danny. Are you guys ever gonna go out again?

Rachel: I don't know! He hasn't called me since that one time when we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt, I'm all ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.

Danny: (To them) Hey!

Rachel: Hi Danny! (Notices his box of liquor he's carrying.) Wow! Thirsty huh?

Danny: Uh, actually, actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday, it's sort of a house warming kind of thing.

Monica: Ohh, fun!

Rachel: Ohh, great!

Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

Rachel: Yeah.

Danny: Okay, see ya. (Heads out.)

Monica: Well, I guess we won't be warming his house.

Rachel: (laughs) Okay. All right, I see what he's doing! He's not asking me out, because he wants me to ask him out.

Monica: And you're not gonna do that.

Rachel: That's right! 'Cause that would give him the control! So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing y'know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation. Blew up in his face, didn't it?

Monica: So-so there is no party.

Rachel: No, there's a party. There's a party. But the power, that is still up for grabs. You follow me?

Monica: I think so. Se, he-he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.

Rachel: Exactly.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they're entering to find boxes strewn about the apartment.]

Joey: Ross?

Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey roomies!

Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.

Ross: Oh, yeah I know, I know, it's a lot of boxes, but again I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.

Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey! Since you're gonna be here for a while, why don't—I was thinking we uh, put your name on the answering machine.

Chandler: Oh yeah!

Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, I kinda uh, jazzed it up a little. Check this out. (He plays the greeting, and We Will Rock You starts to play and Ross's voice comes over it.) We will, we will, call you back!

Joey: Hey, all right!

Ross: Pretty cool, huh?

(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)

Joey: (To Chandler) You're fake laughing too, right?

Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.

[Scene: A restaurant, Phoebe and Larry are having dinner.]

Larry: You look beautiful this evening.

Phoebe: (smiles) Show me the badge again.

(He looks around and flashes her his badge and she laughs.)

Phoebe: Shiny.

Larry: Oh, will you mind if I wash up? Because I came straight from work and who knows where these babies (Holds up his hands) have been.

Phoebe: (laughing) You are just nonstop!

(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)

Larry: (coming back) We're outta here!

Phoebe: Why?!

Larry: Just walking past the kitchen I saw 10 violations! I'm shutting this place down!

Phoebe: (awed) You have the power to do that?

Larry: This does. (Shows her his badge.)

Phoebe: (excited) Shut it down.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is entering. As he closes the door, Joey pokes his head up from a box enclosure built using the 2 chairs.]

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: What are you doing?

Joey: Nothing.

Chandler: You built a fort didn't ya?

Joey: (smiles) Kinda.

Chandler: (notices something) Oh my God, the air purifier! Ross's air purifier! All I heard through 4 years of college was (makes a humming noise.)

Joey: Dude, you should've gone out once and a while.

Chandler: I hate this thing!

Joey: Come on, Chandler, Ross is our friend. He needs us right now, so why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is opening the door.]

Rachel: Oh, hi Danny.

Danny: Hey guys, I just uh, wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.

Monica: Oh, thanks! We'll try to stop by.

Rachel: Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna be busy.

Monica: You are?

Rachel: Yeah! Remember I got that uh, gala.

Danny: Yeah, what's the gala for?

Rachel: It's a uh, regatta gala.

Danny: Really! You-you sail?

Rachel: No-no, but I support it.

Danny: Okay, (To Monica) hope I see you tomorrow night.

Monica: Okay.

Danny: Take care. (Leaves.)

Rachel: Okay. (Closes the door.) Walked right into that one didn't he?

Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party and he did it!

Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute! So if I said yes, he would know I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. I said, "No!" Which puts me right back in the driver seat.

Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?

Rachel: Ball? There is no ball.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Ross is working on his computer and Joey is making a lot of noise.]

Ross: (glaring at him) Joey, please! (Motions to his computer.)

Joey: Sorry.

(Joey starts playing with a toy alligator and has it attack him.)

Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhh…

(Notices Ross looking at him and stops. Ross gives him his 'quiet down' maneuver. Okay, this may take a while to explain, so center this on you screen and place your hands about a foot apart with your fingers together and pointing straight up. Now take you fingers and point them at the other hand and making a 90-degree angle with each of your hands and the first knuckle counting up from the wrist. Now take your right hand, no your other right (that was for the dyslexics), and lower it a couple of inches, so that the fingers are pointing at your wrist. Now take your arms and keeping the elbows bent and your hands in front of you spread out your arms, kinda like making a bird's wing. Now hunch your shoulders over and move you hands up and down as if you are trying to tell some one to turn it down. That's Ross 'quiet down' maneuver. Well, there is an accompanying face, but I don't want to try and describe it as well.)

Chandler: (entering) Hello children!

Joey: Hey! Wanna play some foosball? Please?

Chandler: Okay. (Starts to head for where the foosball table usually is.)

Joey: No-no, no! We have to move the table into my room, yeah! 'Cause of all the boxes. Come on!

(They go into his bedroom.)

Joey: All right, I have one question. What is the deal with this? (Imitates Ross's 'quiet down' maneuver, but does move his hands up and down he just flaps his hands as if he's waving good-bye.)

Chandler: Bye-bye little puppet Joey hand?

Joey: No, the quiet down thing!

Chandler: You mean this. (Does the maneuver perfectly.)

Joey: Um-hmm! Look, I-I-I don't know how much more of this I can take! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs! My God! What if that had been porn?

Chandler: (gasps) All right look, y'know, this maybe tough but come on, this is Ross! I survived college with him!

Joey: All right, I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.

Chandler: Okay.

(They start playing.)

Chandler: No-no-no-no!

Joey: YES!!

Ross: (entering) Uh fellas, (Does the maneuver and gives them a double thumbs up, which Chandler returns as he closes the door.)

Chandler: Okay, so he's out of here.

Joey: Um-hmm.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: You guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Johnos for some chicken and it was closed!

Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat but it was all violated. So we shut it down!

Joey: Pheebs, if this guy keeps closing down all of our favorite places, where are we gonna eat?!

Monica: I don't know, clean places?

Joey: Umm, yum!

(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)

Monica: (looking through the peephole) It's Danny.

Rachel: Don't let him in! I'm supposed to be at a regatta gala.

Monica: (to Danny) We'll be right there! (To Rachel) Can't you just say it starts later?

Rachel: What? What kind of a regatta gala starts at night?!

Monica: The fake kind!

(She opens the door and Rachel hides behind it.)

Danny: Hey, hi, I need a ladle. You got a ladle?

Monica: We have a ladle. (Gives him one.)

Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.

Monica: Okay, great!

(He leaves and she closes the door.)

Phoebe: Hey, guys, you know what Larry would say? He would say, "See you ladle." (Laughs.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are there. Chandler and Joey are looking through the paper.]

Chandler: Well, I-I-I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Sports? International? Apartment listings?

Ross: I'll take sports.

Joey: Mine! (He grabs it.)

Ross: All right. Uhh, international.

Joey: Oh that's mine too! (Grabs it and Ross looks at him.) I'm Italian!

Ross: Well, I guess I can check out those apartment listings, even though there's never anything in here.

Chandler: Not even on page 7?

Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You're—hey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!

Chandler: What about that circled one?

Ross: Oh, I-I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.

Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?

Chandler: Yes, it is.

Joey: Hey, let's go look at it! (They both jump up.)

Ross: Okay, let's go.

Joey: Okay!

Chandler: There we go!

Ross: Oh-oh-ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you guys would uh, maybe chip in on some new air filters for the air purifier? I mean after all, we all are using it.

Chandler: Let's go quicker.

Joey: Yeah!

[Scene: The apartment in the listing, the guys are checking it out. There's one problem though, it's roughly the size of this computer screen. As they enter Joey lets out a whistle.]

Ross: Oh my God! (Looking around, which doesn't take him long.)

Chandler: Yeah, well look at this kitchen, slash bathroom. Well that's great! Y'know so you can cook while in the tub.

Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.

(They don't move, just look all around them.)

Ross: I think this is it. I don't know, maybe we should keep looking.

Joey: But hey, Ross, this place is available now!

Chandler: Yeah, you don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.

Joey: Yeah.

(He looks at them.)

Ross: (To Joey) So, you-you think I should go ahead and take this place?

Joey: Oh, it's perfect!

Ross: (To Chandler) How about you?

Chandler: It's a kitchen slash bathroom.

Ross: All right, I see what you guys are saying. I'll uh, I'll go downstairs and fill out an application.

(He exits.)

Chandler: We are bad people.

Joey: He knew we were trying to get rid of him. He knew! (Pause.) You think we could get a bathtub in our kitchen?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there waiting for Larry.]

Larry: (entering) Hey, ready for dinner?

Phoebe: Ooh, absolutely!

Larry: Great! How about you wanted to go the Italian place down on Bleaker Street right?

Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! (Thinks about it.) So, no.

Larry: How about Mama Lisettie's?

Phoebe: Enh. Sure!

Larry: (notices something) I wonder how long that milk (on the counter) has been setting out.

Phoebe: Oh, no-no, this place is totally healthy! That—this milk is mine. I bought this today, 'cause I was thirsty for milk, y'know. (She takes a swig of it, but has to turn away from him as she makes a face to show that it has gone bad.) Okay, let's go!

(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)

Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?

Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.

Larry: Oh, so you're saying you'd choose convenience over health?!

Phoebe: Okay, stop! Larry, okay, can't you just be Larry and not Larry the health inspector guy? Y'know I mean it was really exciting at first but now it's like, okay, so where are we gonna eat ever?

Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.

Phoebe: Thank you. (To Gunther, who's standing there frozen) Okay, go! Go! Go! (He runs off.) (To Larry) Now, if after dinner you still really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are lamenting about how they kicked Ross out.]

Joey: Maybe, maybe we did a good thing, helping Ross get back on his feet!

Chandler: Yes that was a nice place!

Joey: Yeah!

Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he can just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!

Joey: Yeah!

(Pause.)

Chandler: What are we gonna do?

Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?

Chandler: About Ross!

Joey: Oh! Oh!

(The phone rings and Joey answers it.)

Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.

Chandler: (grabbing the phone) Of course he has this big huge dog! That uh, barks into the night. (Listens.) Well, who doesn't love dogs? (Thinks.) Ah, he's a tap dancer! (Listens.) Yes, some would say that is a lost art. (Thinks.) He's a pimp! (Listens.) There you go! Yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp! (Pause.) Hello?

(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)

Chandler: Ohhhhh!

(Joey motions, "Now, that's thinking!")

[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]

Rachel: Shoot, shoot, this is never gonna work! He's right there!

Monica: Just go over and say hi.

Rachel: No, I have to go downstairs and come back up as if I'm coming home from the regatta gala. Okay? So just go distract him. But don't be sexy.

(Monica obeys.)

Monica: Hey, Danny!

Danny: Hey! What's going on?

Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)

Danny: Salad.

Monica: Ooooh! (Rachel now succeeds in getting downstairs.) And-and-and what-what's this? (Points again.)

Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?

(Rachel returns.)

Monica: (upon seeing Rachel she points) Oh.

Danny: Hey! Rachel!

Rachel: Hey! Oh right, tonight was your party.

Danny: Oh wow, you look great! Glad you could make it.

Rachel: Oh well, y'know, the gala had to end sometime.

Danny: Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back. (He heads off.)

Rachel: Yeah, sure. (To Monica) All right, whose court is the ball in now?

Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball?

Rachel: Oh, come on! He's glad that I came, he doesn't want me to go anywhere, balls flying all over the place!

Danny: (returning, with a friend) Rachel, this is my friend Tom. (To Tom) This is the girl I told you about.

Rachel: Oh, go on! You telling people about me?

Danny: You two could really hit it off! I'm gonna go mingle. (Leaves.)

Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomies.

Rachel: (laughs) Yeah, okay, at ease solider!

Tom: I'm sorry?

Rachel: No, it's all right, you can just drop the act Tommy. I know what's going on here. Your Danny's wingman right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!

Tom: I'm gonna go talk to uh, a friend.

Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him, "Nice try."

(He walks off.)

Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!

Monica: I think I need a drink.

Rachel: Yeah!

(They go get a drink.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross still has boxes all over the place. Joey is wearing a football helmet, and Chandler is spinning him around in one of the chairs and counting.]

Chandler: 98. 99. 100. Okay, go!

Joey: (getting up) Dude, I'm telling ya! I'm fine! (He tries to take a step and falls flat on his face.)

(He tries to get up again and starts falling backwards and Chandler catches him.)

Chandler: Here we go! Here we go!

(Ross enters.)

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Hey. So I uh, I didn't get that apartment. Some problem with my application.

Joey: You're kidding!

Chandler: You're kidding, no!

Ross: Yeah. But, the good news is that Phoebe said that I could stay at her place for a while. So…

Joey: But you can't stay with Phoebe, Ross! We're-we're roomies!

Ross: Look, you guys don't need me here taking up your space.

Joey: Well, we got plenty of space! There-there's still some over there (Points to where the window is but sees that there isn't any space there and points towards his door.) by-by that speaker. Please, just stay!

Chandler: Yeah!

Ross: Are you guys sure about this?

Joey: Definitely!

Chandler: Yes! Ross, you have to stay!

Ross: All right.

Joey: All right!

Chandler: All right, buddy!

Ross: So I'm a pimp huh? It's okay! Look, I know that sometimes I can be a pain in the ass, but you just have to talk to me. Tell me if something is bothering you. Okay? And for my part I will do everything I can to keep my annoying habits just (Does the 'quiet down' maneuver).

(Chandler and Joey smile, but when Ross turns away look at each other with looks of horror.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's and Ross's, Chandler is entering and when he closes the door Joey pops his head out of the fort like before, but this time he's wearing a cowboy hat.]

Chandler: Well, I see you've had a very productive day. Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?

Ross: (popping up behind Joey wearing an Indian headdress) Come on, it's fun!

Chandler: All right! (He joins them in the fort and comes up putting on a bonnet.) Isn't this a woman's hat?

Joey: Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea!

(Chandler does so.)

End

507 罗斯入伙

你在看土著裸女？

不，你看

是只猪

我知道，但你看它身上这么多疙瘩

爱米丽的表弟把我

扫地出门了

什么？

为什么？

房东是我妻子的表弟

我又离婚了，这种情况下

房东也许会要求把房子收回去

好过分！你没签租约？

”一家人”签什么租约？

你跟我们一起住好了，我们照顾你

只要你需要

但答应我们，一旦你情绪好转

我们就要取笑你的头发

可以

谢谢，非常感谢

我又要去收拾行李了

一直搬来搬去

我简直像个游牧民族的了！

他以为你说你像个“生殖腺”

假如餐厅都像你这里这么干净，

我就失业了

拉瑞!

卫生督察挣佣金的吗？

不，是拿贿赂

可以笑吗？

可以，我是在开玩笑

好

我去检查厨房地板

请便！随便查！

好!我的——

你的拉瑞？

我是想让他检查我的厨房地板

98分！

扣掉你两分是因为你没带厨师帽。

违反了第5条规定

拉瑞

厨师手册第5条是我写的

只要出了厨房，帽子带不带无所谓！

你的帽子呢？

在厨房里

我去拿！

这两分她丢定了

你自己写的书也不读仔细！

你看到帽子在厨房里

知道她进去拿的时候头上会没有帽子

你像侦探一样擅长推理！

是吗

那样我就能当你的助手了

我可以叫芳达

也许我能约芳达吃顿饭？

她一定很高兴的

因为你挑的都是干净馆子

电话联络

好

他真有趣!

谢谢你

莫！

爱米丽一事以后，罗斯怎样了？

兴致不大高

不过他能应付

等等，你不会想——

别乱想，我跟罗斯不可能从头来过了

他会颓废好一阵子的

另外，我不追刚离婚的男人

对，你只追快结婚的男人

两磅爪哇摩卡咖啡

是丹尼

你们后来约会过没？

不晓得！约会一次后，

他就再没给我打过电话

走廊里碰见他，我们眉来眼去，

我非常——

然后什么也没发生

嘿

喔，很渴对吧？

我在周六开派对

庆祝乔迁之喜

有趣

我很期待

再见

他没打算邀我们

我懂了

他不约我，是想让我约他

你不会屈尊的哦？

当然

那样他就占上风了

他借“开派对”为幌子

向我发出邀请的信号

弄巧成拙呀

根本没有派对？

有，

但是控制权

我们两个都想争取，

懂了吗？

哦

那他不邀你参加派对，

倒是因为他喜欢你？

正确

罗斯

嘿，室友

你把家里弄成这样，我很高兴

箱子是太多了

很感谢你们收留我

没问题

对了，既然你要住一段时间

不如把你的名字添到电话答录机？

好！

希望你们不介意

我已经加上了

听

“我们会！”

“我们会回电话！”

好呀

帅！

你也是假笑，对吧

笑假泪真

你今晚很美

再给我看看徽章嘛

炫！

我去洗手，你不介意吧？我下班直接过来的，

这双手不知摸过哪里呢

职业病

我们走！

为什么？

经过厨房时，我看到了10个违例

我要把这地方关掉!

你有这么大的权利？

这个徽章有

关了这家餐厅！

你在做什么？

没

你在建堡垒吗？

差不多吧

我的天!罗斯的空气净化机！

大学四年，我一直听它嗡嗡嗡

老兄，你可以时不时出去溜达溜达

我讨厌这玩意儿

罗斯是我们的朋友

他现在很需要我们

成熟一点，来，到堡垒里看电视

我想邀请你去参加派对

谢谢，我们会去的

我想我会很忙

是吗？

我不是有特别活动吗？

什么活动？

赛舟会

你会划船？

不，我观战

希望明晚见到你

好

再见

他果然用这招对吧

哪一招

他不是邀你去派对，

你不是得偿所愿？

但他最后一刻才邀我

假如我答应

他会知道我除了等他的邀请以外

再无事可做

但我拒绝了

这让我争回了上风

哦，这下该他接球了

（这下该他犯难了）

球，

哪来什么球

乔伊，别闹了

抱歉

孩子们好，

来玩足球机吧！

好

把桌子搬到我房间

这里全是纸箱子

我有个问题

这个手势啥意思？

再见，小木偶乔伊的手？

不，是让我静一静！

手势是这样的吧

我不知道我还能忍受多久

他用录着《海滩救生队》的录影带

去录昆虫秀！

我的天!

要是色情片呢

也会被他洗掉的！

这是挺难的

不过和罗斯，我大学时代也忍过来了

那我再忍忍

我们玩吧

好

不！

进了！

伙计们

他得搬走

有吃的吗？

我去Johnos买鸡，那里关门了

我带拉瑞去吃饭，但那里违规了

所以我们勒令他们停业

假如他把我们最喜欢的馆子都关掉，

那我们上哪儿吃东西？

那去干净馆子？

也好!

是丹尼

别让他进来!

我现在应该在赛舟会的

我们马上过来

你就不能说赛舟会会晚点举行吗

什么赛舟会会在晚上举行

无中生有那种

我想要个杓子,你们有吗？

有

派对上见

你知道拉瑞会怎么告别吗？

他会说，勺子再见

我看完了。你要吗？体育？国际？

公寓出租？

我要体育版

我先看

好吧，我看国际版

那也是我的

我是意大利人

我看公寓出租版吧

不过这版从来就没什么好看的

第7页呢？

没错，这里有个地方价钱挺合适

两个睡房，离工作地点近

5星期后出租

圈上的那处呢？

当工作室有点贵了

但可以马上入住！

不是吗

对

我们马上去看房

走吧!

好！

伙计们，能给空气净化机换新过滤器吗？

毕竟我们都用

“快”走！

我的天!

看！你的厨房兼浴室

太好了!你人在浴缸里都能煮饭！

有人动心了

我们去看其它地方

算了

我们接着找吧

但这地方现在就能入住

你也不希望再跟我们挤五个星期吧

你们要我租这里？

完美！

你说呢

厨房兼浴室

明白了

我下楼去填表

我们是坏人

他知道我们要赶走他了

我们也在厨房摆个浴缸好吗

准备好去吃饭了吗

好了

到你想去的比克街的

意大利餐厅好吗？

我喜欢那家!

还是算了

那去Mama Lisettie？

好呀

牛奶摆多久了？

别这样，这地方是非常卫生的

牛奶是我的

今天买的牛奶

因为我渴了

走吧

嘿，伙计

卫生条例第11条第2点规定

倒垃圾必须从后门走，不知道吗？

那我就得从干洗部绕过去

贪方便不顾卫生？

够了，拉瑞

你就只当拉瑞、

别老想着卫生督察的职责好吗？

开始还觉得到处查封馆子挺刺激的

但现在……

我们上哪儿吃饭？

那我就给他个警告算了

谢谢你

还不快溜！

假如饭后你还想抓人

我知道有个卖热狗的家伙爱挖鼻孔

也许我们干了件好事

帮助罗斯独立

那地方不错

虽没有壁橱，但他能把东西装袋，

挂在窗外

我们该怎么办？

我不知道

吃比萨怎样？

是说对罗斯!

是那个公寓的管理处打来的

罗斯填表时证明人一栏写的我们俩

罗斯人很好，他很可靠

他有只大狗，很大

一直吠到深夜

哎，谁不爱狗呢

他还是个踢踏舞者

对，有人会认为那是过时的艺术

他还是个皮条客!

对，他是个皮条客

对啦，他是个跳踢踏舞的皮条客

糟糕，行不通的，他就在那儿

走过去打个招呼

我要到楼下再上来

假装刚从赛舟会回家

去引开他、不许太骚

玩得开心吗

派对很棒

食物可口

大多的派对都只有薯片和沙拉

薯片和沙拉

你在吃什么？

沙拉

那这是什么？

面包

你不是厨师吗？

嘿,瑞秋

对了，今晚你开派对

你看来不错啊!真高兴你赶回来

赛艇会总要结束的

别走开、我很快回来

嘿，现在球在哪一边了？

不是说没有球吗？

得了，他很高兴我来了

他还叫我别走开

这种暗示不是很明显吗？

这是我朋友，汤姆

这是我跟你提过的女孩

是吗!你还跟别人提起我呢

你们俩一定能一拍即和

我要回派对了

你在Bloomingdale's上班吗？

我妈妈管那里叫小名儿Bloomies

稍息，战士!

什么？

别再装蒜了汤米，

我全明白

你是丹尼的舵手，对吧？

你们是最铁的哥们，死党

我去找朋友谈谈

你去跟你的朋友谈吧

去跟他说”做得不错”

他不断找人来约我

兵来将挡，我可不怵

我想喝一杯

走吧

98，99，

好，走吧

我好得很

再来

房子没租到

申请有问题

开玩笑？

但菲比说我能到她那暂住

你不能跟菲比一起住

我们是室友

我不占你们的空间

我们地方够大！音响那边还空着呢

求你，留下来

你们确定吗？

确定！

留下吧

说我是皮条客

没关系

有的时候我是很讨人嫌

但你们跟我谈谈就行了

我能改掉我的坏习惯

看来你今天收获不小啊

不觉得牛仔帽有点太过分？

来，很好玩的!

好！

是女人的帽子？

伙计，别说废话了

给我们来点茶吧!

508 The One With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone has just finished Thanksgiving dinner and are groaning over their fullness.]

Rachel: Oh Monica that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever! I think you killed us.

Ross: I couldn't possibly eat another bite.

Joey: I need something sweet.

Phoebe: Does anyone wanna watch TV?

All: Yeah, sure.

(She starts pushing the power button on the remote, but it's not facing the TV so it doesn't work.)

Phoebe: Monica your remote doesn't work.

Monica: Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.

Phoebe: Oh. Aw, forget it.

Rachel: Yeah, you know what we should all do? We should play that game where everyone says one thing that they're thankful for.

Joey: Ooh-ooh, I! I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.

Monica: That's very nice.

Chandler: That's sweet, Joey.

Joey: Yeah, the other day I was at the bus-stop and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere and blew this chick's skirt right up. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs. (Note: Actually, I think every guy is thankful for thongs. That and spandex. ? )

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Joey is talking about the wonder that is the thong.]

Joey: I mean, it's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering. I mean, it's amazing how much they can do with so little material! And the way they play with your mind! Is it there? Is it not there?

Chandler: Are you aware that you're still talking?

Monica: Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?

Ross: Huh, I don't know what to pick. Am I more thankful for my divorce or my eviction? Hmm.

Phoebe: Wow! See, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything.

Ross: I'm sorry. It's just that this is the worse Thanksgiving ever.

Chandler: No-no-no! I am the king of bad Thanksgivings. You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage and take that away from me.

Rachel: Oh, you're not gonna tell the whole story about how your parents got divorced again are you?

Ross: Oh God, no.

Joey: Oh, come on! I wanna hear it! It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out!

Chandler: It's a tradition, like the parade. If the parade decided it was gay, moved out, and abandoned its entire family.

(And with that, we start a series of flashbacks to Thanksgiving's of years gone by.)

Thanksgiving 1978

[Scene: The Bing household, Mr. and Mrs. Bing and Young Chandler are eating Thanksgiving dinner as a housekeeper serves them.]

Mrs. Bing: Now Chandler dear, just because your father and I are getting a divorce it doesn't mean we don't love you. It just means he would rather sleep with the house-boy than me.

The Housekeeper: More turkey Mr. Chandler? (And he makes eyes at him.)

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: You're right. Yours is worse. You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.

Phoebe: I don't know about that. I've got one that's worse.

Chandler: Really? Worse than, "More turkey Mr. Chandler?"

Phoebe: Oh, did the little rich boy have a problem with the butler? Yes, mine's worse!

Thanksgiving 1862

[Scene: A Union battlefield hospital, Phoebe, in a past life, is tending to a wounded Union soldier. (By the way, for historical perspective, 1862 was the second year of the American Civil War.)]

Past Life Phoebe: More bandages! More bandages! Please, can I get some more bandages in here! This man is dying—(She is cut off by an exploding shell just outside the tent. When the smoke clears, she's missing an arm and the blood is pumping out like you'd see in a horror movie. And upon seeing her condition, she says…) Oh no.

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Ross: In this life, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh, this life! Oh okay no, Chandler's is worse.

Joey: Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that! I don't have any past life memories.

Phoebe: Of course you don't sweetie. You're brand new.

Rachel: I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.

Monica: Oh, let's not tell this story.

All: Oh, come on!

Phoebe: Oh no, I know! I know! It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head!

Rachel: What?! Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?!

Joey: Hey, it's not like it sounds.

Chandler: It's exactly like it sounds.

Thanksgiving 1992

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Phoebe is entering.]

Joey: (muffled) Hello?

Phoebe: (surprised) Hello?

Joey: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Joey? What's going on?

Joey: Look. (He walks out of the bathroom with his head stuck in a huge turkey.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Joey: I know! It's stuck!!!

Phoebe: (walks him to the kitchen) Easy. Step. How did it get on?

Joey: I put it on to scare Chandler!

Phoebe: Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out!

Joey: Well then help me get it off! Plus, it smells really bad in here.

Phoebe: Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head up a dead animal.

(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)

Monica: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey, did you get the turkey basted—Oh my God! Oh my God! (She sees someone is stuck in the turkey.) Who is that?

Joey: It's Joey.

Monica: What-what are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?

Phoebe: No, it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be scary.

Monica: Well, get it off now!

Joey: I can't! It-it's stuck!

Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head!

Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think.

(They all start thinking. Joey starts rubbing his chin, of course his chin is currently inside the turkey so he ends up rubbing the turkey. And I didn't do that joke one bit of justice. It's one of those you have to see it to get it jokes.)

Monica: Okay, I got it. Phoebe? All right, you pull. I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can. (Joey starts giggling.) Joey? Now is not the time!

Joey: Sorry! Sorry.

(They get into position to pull the turkey off.)

Monica: Okay, count to three. 1. 2. 3!

(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.)

Chandler: Arghhhhhh!! (Joey turns around to taunt him, but Chandler is in the doorway and Joey is facing the kitchen.)

Joey: (pointing) It worked! I scared ya, I knew it! Ha-ha!

Chandler: I'm over here big guy.

Joey: (turning all the way around, and still not facing Chandler) Yeah, you are! (Starts dancing.) I scared you!

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Chandler: (laughing) You did look like an idiot.

Joey: Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot. All right? Remember when Ross tried to say, "Butternut squash?" And it came out, "Squatternut buash?"

Ross: Yeah that's the same.

Monica: That's it. That's my worse Thanksgiving.

Phoebe: Oh wait! That can't be the one Rachel's talking about. She didn't even know that happened. So which one was it?

All: Which one?

Monica: Umm, I-I really don't want to tell this story.

Chandler: Oh, come on Monica, reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving is all about. Y'know, for me anyway. And of course, the Indians.

Monica: Look umm, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story!

Thanksgiving 1987

[Scene: The Geller household, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings.]

Mrs. Geller: Monica! I think Rachel's here!

Monica: I'll get it! (She runs in, and she's her old fat self like The One With The Prom Video. Not only that, she's out of breath after running a short distance. She goes over and opens the door to reveal Rachel with her old nose.) Happy Thanksgiving!

Big Nosed Rachel: Not for me. Chip and I broke up!

Fat Monica: Oh, why? Why? What happened?

Big Nosed Rachel: Well, you know that my parents are out of town and Chip was going to come over…

Fat Monica: Yeah, yeah, and you were going him y'know, your flower.

Big Nosed Rachel: Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?! It really creeps me out when you call it that! Okay, and by the way, while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his tenderness. Believe me! (Walks into the living room and greets Monica's parents.) Hi!

Mr. Geller: Hi Rachel!

Big Nosed Rachel: Happy Thanksgiving!

Mrs. Geller: You too sweethart!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

(He brought home Chandler for Thanksgiving. Chandler is sporting the very popular Flock of Seagulls haircut. Yeah, it's another you have to see it to believe it kinda thing.)

Mr. Geller: Oh my!

Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler! My roommate and lead singer of our band!

Fat Monica: Ross! (Wanting to be introduced.)

Ross: Oh, this is Monica.

Fat Monica: Hi, I'm Ross's little sister.

Chandler: (seeing her) Okay.

Mrs. Geller: I'm so glad you could come Chandler, we've got plenty of food so I hope you're hungry.

Ross: Oh, mom. Mom. Chandler hates Thanksgiving and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, well, I'm so glad you brought him here then.

Fat Monica: Umm, Chandler, if you want I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner.

Chandler: Well, as long as the pilgrims didn't eat it, I'm in.

(As she is drinking, Monica laughs and Chandler's joke and Diet Coke comes out of her nose.)

Fat Monica: dammit! (Runs off.)

(Ross points out Rachel to Chandler and goes over to talk to her. Rachel is checking out her nose in her compact mirror.)

Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college.

Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.

Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)

(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)

Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!

Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.

Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!

Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for.

Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!

Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!

[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]

Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.

Fat Monica: Okay!

(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)

Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!

Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!

Big Nosed Rachel: I know!

Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.

Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know.

Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!

Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!

[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]

Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.

Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.

Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night.

Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!

(Monica enters behind them.)

Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.

(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)

Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.

Ross: Hey!

(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.)

Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.

Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!

Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]

Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!

Monica: Well, I do.

Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!

Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.

Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.

Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.

Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.

Monica: Yes, it was!

Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the…

Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!

Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!

Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!

Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever.

Thanksgiving 1988

[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]

Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.

Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.

Rachel: Oh hi!

Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!

Mrs. Geller: Jack.

Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)

Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.

Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)

(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)

Rachel: Hey!

Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!

Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!

Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)

Ross: So uh, where's Monica?

Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.

(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!)

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)

Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!

Ross: Dude!

Chandler: Sorry!

Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.

Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!

Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.

(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)

Mr. Geller: Dude!

Chandler: Sorry.

(In the kitchen.)

Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!

Monica: Well it didn't!

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh!

Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.

Monica: How?

Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.

Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!

Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!

Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!

Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?

Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.

Monica: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.

Monica: (excited) I can do that!

Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)

Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.

Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)

Chandler: Are you all right?

Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)

[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]

The Doctor: What do we got here?

The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.

(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)

Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!

The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.

Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.

The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?

Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)

The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)

Monica: What?! What is it?

The Doctor: You brought a carrot.

Chandler: What?

The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.

Rachel: You brought a carrot?!

Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.

Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!

The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.

Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!

Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!

Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!

Present Day

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]

Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!

Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.

Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!

Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!

Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)

Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)

Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.

Joey: You're a dork.

[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]

Chandler: I can't believe this.

Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.

Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.

Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything?

Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]

Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

Ending Credits

Thanksgiving 1915

[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]

French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!

End

508 感恩节大回顾

莫妮卡，这是我过过的最好的感恩节

你就要把我们撑死了

我一口也吃不下了

我还得来块甜点

你们想看电视吗？

好啊

莫妮卡你的遥控器坏了

菲比，你得把它拿起来按

哦，那就算了

我知道该做什么了

大家来讲自己最感激的事吧

我！

我感谢我们度过的这个美丽的秋天

很不错

很甜蜜，乔伊

因为那天我在车站，可爱的秋风

忽然吹落了一个美女的裙子

哦还有，我还很感激她的皮带

我的意思是，这不单单是一条内裤

而是工程上的创举

令人惊叹的是

这么少的料能起这么大作用

它们还总在你脑子里回旋

穿了，还是没穿

你知道自己在说什么吗？

有没有不是感谢皮带的人？

我不知道该选哪个

是离婚还是被赶出去

我想还是都不选为妙

对不起

我的感恩节真是糟糕透了

不，我的感恩节才是最糟的

你的婚姻故事还是靠边站吧

你不会又想把你父母

离婚的故事再重复一遍吧？

哦上帝，别

干吗不，我想听！

一个没有钱德唠叨的感恩节

是不完整的

就是，这是传统，就像游街

只不过游街不会告诉你它是同性恋

更不会抛弃整个家庭

1978年感恩节

钱德，我和你爸爸离婚了

但这并不意味着我们不爱你了

只是意味着你爸爸将不会和我

而是和某个男人睡觉了

火鸡？钱德先生？

你说的对，你的最糟

你是糟糕感恩节之王

我不这么认为

我有个更糟的

真的？

比“火鸡，钱德先生”还糟？

比起一个富男孩和他的管家的故事？

当然，我的更糟！

1862年感恩节

绷带！绷带！

请给我点绷带吧

这个人快死了

这辈子，菲比！

哦这辈子，那好，钱德的最糟

真酷！你能记得这些东西

我就一点前世的记忆都没有

当然了亲爱的，你是全新的

我知道莫妮卡最糟的感恩节

还是别提它了

拜托～

我知道我知道

是乔伊把莫妮卡的火鸡套在头上的事

什么？乔伊把火鸡套在头上？

嘿，事实不是这样的

事实就是这样的

1992年感恩节

哈喽

菲比？

乔伊,怎么回事？

看

哦 我的天哪！

我知道，它套住了

别紧张，先下来

你怎么套上的？

我想套上它来吓钱德

哦天那，莫妮卡会气疯的

那就快帮我取下来

这里面真难闻

当然难闻了

谁让你把头插到死尸的屁股里

嘿

你把火鸡上油了吗？

哦我的天，这是谁？

是我乔伊

你这是干吗？

难道这很好玩吗？

不，不是为了好玩

而是为了吓人

快给我取下来！

我做不到，它套住了

我不管，我父母还要用火鸡招待

20多号人呢，他们总不能吃你的头吧！

别急，我们先想想办法

就这样吧，菲比你用力拉

我尽量把腿张大

乔伊，什么时候了还开玩笑

对不起！对不起！

好，数数，1，2，3！

啊～

奏效！我吓到你了

我早知道了，哈哈

我在这边，帮主

对，我知道

我吓到你

你当时看起来真像白痴

嘿～又不只我一个人看起来白痴

还记得罗斯点了“笋瓜”

结果出来了“瓜和笋”？

对，那也差不多

的确，那就是我最糟的感恩节

等等！这可不是瑞秋要说的那个

她都不知道这件事

你准备说的是什么？

呃，我真的不想再提那事了

拜托，莫妮卡，感恩节的意义

就在于分享痛苦、减轻压力嘛

比如说我，还有印第安人

其实，众人中

你肯定最不愿意听到这个故事

莫妮卡！我想是瑞秋来了

我来开！

感恩节快乐！

我糟透了，齐普和我分手了

为什么？发生什么事了？

你知道，我父母要出城去

所以齐普要来和我…

对对，你们要—翻云覆雨

莫妮卡，你能不能就说上床

你的词把我说的鸡皮疙瘩都起来了

还有，如果你以后要这样，记住：

男人是不懂得温柔的！

相信我！

嗨,瑞秋

感恩节快乐！

你嘴真甜

嘿～

哦天哪！

各位，这是钱德

我的室友兼乐队主唱

罗斯！

哦,这是莫妮卡

嗨,我是罗斯的妹妹

好

很高兴你能来，钱德

我准备了很多食物，希望你已经饿了

哦妈，妈。钱德讨厌感恩节

所以不吃任何感恩节食品

那好，很高兴你带他来

呃，钱德，如果你需要的话

我可以给你做些通心面和干酪吃

只要朝圣者还不吃，我也不吃

该死！

瑞秋，你觉得我们见面很突然吗？

从我毕业后都没见过了

哦，没什么

那好，那么你…

我简直不能相信齐普居然和那个荡妇出去

我再也不和他约会了，不管他怎么求我！

我想他不会再求你了

因为他现在已经和那个荡妇出去了

你知道吗？我恨透了高中男生了

他们简直太幼稚了

都是幼稚、愚蠢的男孩

我需要一个真正的男人！

朱蒂，你和杰克要的碗我找不到

叫爸妈，你个败类

莫妮卡

嘿，钱德

通心面和干酪如何？

哦，很好，你应该做个厨师

好的

知道吗？那个荡妇的事只是谣言

齐普说他今晚要来我家！

那太好了！

我知道

你和齐普今晚的一切

一定要一点不漏的告诉我

一定、一定，你知道

其实我们已经做过一次了

我知道，不过这次

你会清楚的知道自己究竟做没做

我知道，这次齐普保证了

他说他一定会持续一首歌的长度的！

我想今晚约瑞秋出去

也许能为她演奏我们上周写的歌

情感背包？ / 对

加油！

不过，别弄的太久，因为我们今晚

还有试试我们的假身份证呢

对，科立夫.阿华滋

听着，罗兰.钱，如果进展顺利

我们会呆一整个晚上

花花公子，那我怎么办

没关系，你可以住在这里

我父母不会介意

不，我才不想在这里看你肥妞妹妹呢

嘿

莫妮卡，你把这些派吃了怎么样

冰箱里没位置了

不。不，谢谢

朱蒂，你算了吧

她已经很饱了！

我叫你肥妞？我都不记得了

可我记得！

我很抱歉，我当时真是白痴

我真应该到广场上去号啕大哭

简直不能相信，你居然叫她肥妞

我不能相信你让乔治.迈克尔揍你

我真的很抱歉，真的真的抱歉

事实上，我想讲的故事不是这个

是的，是这个！

不，不是。事实上是…

好了，感恩节结束了，该准备圣诞了

谁想陪我去买圣诞树？

我有一个最好的圣诞故事！

我们想听莫妮卡的感恩节故事

好吧，我的是侏儒变成两截的故事

那就算了

1988年感恩节

瑞秋，你妈妈说你又换专业了？

哦，是的，我又换了

因为心理学楼旁边没有停车位

嗨瑞秋 / 嗨

哇！新鼻子真不错 / 杰克

维尔森医生简直是艺术家

他把我的胎记都除了，看看吗？

我来开 / 不不，让我来

嘿 / 嘿

感恩节快乐！

你们的发型变了嘛

对，我们讨论了发型

简直不能相信以前我们看起来有多傻

莫妮卡在哪？

她在楼上，莫妮卡！下来！大家都到了

罗斯、瑞秋、还有那个讨厌感恩节的

嗨，钱德

哦我的天

怎、怎么？我衣服上有脏东西？

你，你看起来大不一样

那衣服！那身段！

色小子！ / 对不起！

对、对，莫妮卡瘦了，这很好

但是我们更想听听罗斯的新女朋友

哦妈～好，她的名字是卡萝尔

她又聪明又漂亮

而且她还在曲棍球队和高尔夫队

相信吗？她居然能为两个球队效力

钱德，我们呆会儿见

色小子 / 对不起

哦上帝，太好了，你总算报仇了

他的口水都快留出来了！

还没有够 / 什么？

我的意思是，我看起来是很漂亮了

我心里也没疙瘩了，等、等、等

但是我不仅仅想这样报仇

我还要羞辱他

我想把他剥的精光，然后指着他笑

好，那就这样做 / 怎么做？

男生只有在想做爱前才脱光

什么？我之所以辛苦的减肥

是为了把我的花蕾献给我爱的人

首先，如果你还把它叫什么花蕾

没人会理你

其次，你并不需要和他上床

只需要让他以为你想要

对 / 对

然后等他脱光了我就把他推出去

锁上门，让邻居们都看到

那时候，你就算真报仇了！

那我怎么让他以为我想和他上床？

你应该做得

使自己浑身散发魅力

什么意思？

什么东西都能带来性感

像…呣…像这块毛巾！

哦～哦，这样使我的脸舒服多了

如果你热了，你还能用它擦擦汗

交谈的时候你还能把它放在一侧

或者让它传过你的手指

我懂了！

好，好。

他过来了，他过来了

莫妮卡，能不能

给我做上年一样的通心面和干酪？

呣，我很乐意

哦，我喜欢通心面和干酪

我喜欢这盒子摩擦我脸的感觉

好 / 我还喜欢红萝卜

我还很喜欢它们穿过手指的感觉

然后在说话的时候把它们放在这里

还有，如果我感觉到很热

我就拿起这把刀，然后

用钢面来摩擦…身体

你没事吧？

我很好，只是…

病人什么情况？

男性、二十岁、右脚一趾被切断

你们就不能轻点吗？

都知道他是伤了脚趾！

这写着刀穿透了你的鞋子

当然穿了,这只是双凉皮鞋

脚趾带来了吗？

-是的，在冰里！

别担心孩子，我们会把它接上然后…

什么？这是什么？

你带了一段萝卜

什么？

这不是你的脚趾

这只是一小段冻萝卜

你带了段萝卜？

哦上帝，我的厨房里有只脚趾

对不起，我现在就去取

太晚了

我们现在能做的只是包扎伤口

就没脚趾了！我要我的脚趾！

等等，我会很快的

爸，把你保时捷的钥匙给我！

我开来的不是那部车

这就是为什么我失去我的脚趾？

就因为我叫你胖妞？

我不是故意的，这是意外！

这就是人们叫了我一年

跛子先生的原因？

对不起，但那也不是整个脚趾

对，我失去的趾尖，那是精华部分

上面还有趾甲

钱德！

跛子先生，那是我起的

你是个混球

我简直不能相信

钱德，我说了我很抱歉

是，对，道歉有用还要警察干吗？

我恨感恩节，恨所有的感恩节

再见

等等钱德，我能为你弥补什么吗？

无论什么事都行

可以，离我远点

哦－哦，我是只鸭，快乐的走

无忧无虑的鸭子

勇气可嘉

等等

听着莫妮卡 / 看！

这不奏效

我一定要试

你太好了，我爱你！

什么？

没什么，我只是说“你太好了”

然后就没了

你说了“我爱你”

我听到了！

不，我没有

你说了

不，我没有

你爱我

不，我没有。没有！没有！没有！

1915年感恩节

纱布！纱布！我需要纱布！

谁给我拿点纱布！

真荒谬！呃？

509 The One With Ross's Sandwich

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]

Phoebe: What am I sitting on?

Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.

Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!

(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)

Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?

Ross: Well, they're not mine!

Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!

(Rachel turns and stares at him.)

Joey: Yeah, they're mine.

Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!

Ross: Why are they here?

Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.

Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?

Chandler: Yeah!

Monica: Yeah!

Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.

Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.

(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)

[Cut to the guy's apartment.]

Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?

Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!

Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)

Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.

Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…

Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.

Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!

Chandler: Well, yeah actually.

Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.

Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.

Monica: We are! Help us!

Chandler: Help!

Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: Didn't think so.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]

Monica: Hey, Phoebe!

Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!

Joey: Hey, Pheebs!

Rachel: What are you reading?

Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.

Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.

Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.

Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?

Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.

Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.

Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.

Joey: What's wrong buddy?

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler: Well, what did the police say?

Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!

Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!

Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)

Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.

(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)

Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?

Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.

Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"

Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)

All: Whoa! Ohh!!

Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!

Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.

Monica: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!

[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?

Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.

Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?

Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.

The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?

Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.

The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?

Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.

The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here…

Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!

Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.

Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!

The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.

Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.

The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?

Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?

The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

The Teacher: All right, let's move on.

Phoebe: Okay then.

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]

Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!

Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!

Ross: (entering) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Yeah?

Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.

Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.

Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!

(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)

[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]

Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out.

Joey: So you uh, still wondering?

Cynthia: No, we just went out.

Joey: You're smart. I like that.

(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)

Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)

Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!

Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)

Joey: Hiya.

Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)

Chandler: What is going on here?

Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?

(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)

Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]

Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here!

Monica: We're so sorry.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, I'm telling everyone about you! That's the only way to explain the underwear and the video camera that doesn't make me look like a pig!

Chandler: No-no, wait! There's got to be a better explanation. You can tell them you had to make an adult film for your (Thinks) adult film class.

Joey: Yeah, I like that. But no-no, how does that explain why Rachel found my underwear at your place?

Chandler: Oh—I don't know.

Joey: Well, get ready to come out of the non-gay closet!

Monica: Okay, just wait, please. I promise we'll come up with something. Just give us a little more time.

Joey: All right. Hey, but it better make me look really, really good. (Starts for his room.) Oh, and another thing, the video camera? Nice!!

[Scene: The Museum of Prehistoric History (Ross's work); Ross is in the break room eating lunch as his boss, Dr. Leedbetter walks in.]

Dr. Leedbetter: Umm, Ross. May I have a word with you?

Ross: Yeah, of course, Donald.

Dr. Leedbetter: We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part.

Ross: What?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines, apparently people now call you mental.

Ross: (Proudly) Yeah.

Dr. Leedbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.

Ross: Oh no, you-you don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Umm, this is all because of a sandwich.

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) A sandwich?

Ross: Yeah. You see my-my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a, an extra slice of gravy soaked bread in the middle; I call it the Moist Maker. Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here…

Dr. Leedbetter: (laughs) Oh, you know what?

Ross: What?

Dr. Leedbetter: I-I'm sorry. I, I-I-I believe I ate that.

Ross: You ate my sandwich?

Dr. Leedbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Ross: (getting upset) Oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?

Dr. Leedbetter: No.

Ross: Do you perhaps seeing a note on top of it?

Dr. Leedbetter: There may have been a-a joke or a limerick of some kind.

Ross: (getting angry) That said it was my sandwich?!

Dr. Leedbetter: Now-now calm down. Come look in my office, some of it my still be in the trash.

Ross: (jumping to his feet in anger) What?

Dr. Leedbetter: Well, it was quite large. I-I-I-I-I had to throw most of it away.

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away!

[Cut to an outside shot of the museum.]

Ross: (losing control, we hear him shout outside) MY SANDWICH?!!!

[Cut to a shot of a park.]

Ross: MY SANDWICH!!!!!! (Ross's scream scares a flight of pigeons away.)

[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's class; Rachel walks in, on time this time.]

Rachel: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Rachel: (sitting down) So umm, what's this book about?

Phoebe: You didn't read this one either?!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna, but I accidentally read something else.

Phoebe: What?

Rachel: Vogue! Hey, so tell me about this Jane Eyre woman.

Phoebe: No! You should've read it yourself!

Rachel: Come on Phoebe! Don’t be such a goodie-goodie!

Phoebe: Fine! Okay, all right, so Jane Eyre, first of all, you'd think she's a woman, but she's not. She's a cyborg.

Rachel: A cyborg?! Isn't that like a robot?!

Phoebe: Yeah, this book was light years ahead of its time.

The Teacher: (entering) Sorry I'm late. Let's get started. So, what did everybody think about Jane Eyre?

Phoebe: Umm, Rachel and I were just discussing it and she had some very interesting insights.

The Teacher: Well, go ahead Rachel.

Rachel: Uh, thank you Phoebe. Umm, well, what struck me most when reading Jane Eyre was uh, how the book was so ahead of its time.

The Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.

Rachel: Yeah, well, feminism yes, but also the robots.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is on the couch as Monica joins him.]

Chandler: Hey.

Monica: Hey. Okay, so umm, since that video camera thing didn't work out uh, I thought that I would give you just a little preview. (Hands him a Polaroid.)

Chandler: (gasps) You're naked in this picture!

Monica: I know.

(Ross walks in, eating cotton candy. Monica nudges Chandler who hides the picture in his magazine. Ross sits down on the chair, he seems kinda out of it.)

Chandler: Ross?

Ross: (in a stupor) Hey Chandler. (Sees Monica.) Monica!

Monica: Ross, are you okay?

Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.

Monica: Why?!

Ross: On account of my rage.

Chandler: Which I may say, right now, is out of control.

Ross: He gave me a pill for it.

Monica: A pill?

Ross: Uh-huh. Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss I started to get worked up again, so he offered me a tranquilizer. And I thought was a good idea so, I took it.

Monica: Wait a minute, they're making you take time off work?

Chandler: And you're okay with that?

Ross: I don't know. It's going to be weird not having a job for a while, but I, I definitely don't care about my sandwich.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are returning from class.]

Rachel: (entering, angrily) Ugh, that was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!

Phoebe: (smiling) I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop.

Rachel: That was not funny!

Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.

Rachel: Phoebe, come on! What is the big deal? I thought this was going to be something we could do together! Y'know, I thought it would be fun!

Phoebe: Well, yeah! Fun is good, but y'know I also wanted to learn. Y'know, people are always talking about what they learned in high school and I never went to high school.

Rachel: Ohh. Oh, so you really wanted to learn. Yeah, y'know, Pheebs I just wanted to have fun. Ohh, you know who you should go with?

[Scene: The Class; Monica has taken Rachel's spot.]

Monica: (yelling and waving her hand in the air) I know! I know! I know!

The Teacher: Monica, you asked the question.

(She sits back defeated, and Phoebe groans with disgust.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; Joey returns carrying a bucket of chicken, and starts going through the mail. While doing this, Monica's picture falls out. He bends over to pick it up and gasps. While he's staring at the picture, Rachel decides to come over and sees him looking at the picture.]

Rachel: (sees the picture) Oh my God! That's Monica!!

Joey: Oh no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no!

Rachel: You get away from me!! You sick, sick, sick, sick-o!!

Ross: (entering, with the rest of the gang) What's going on?

Rachel: Joey has got a secret peephole!

Chandler: (Sees the picture) Oh no! No! No! No! (Monica gasps as well.)

Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them!

(Ross stares in shock at him as he angrily puts down the chicken and takes off his coat.)

Rachel: Look! (Shows Ross the picture.)

Ross: (covering his eyes) Dude! That's my sister! (She shows the rest of the gang.)

Monica: (grabbing the picture) Give me that!

Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert!

Joey: No! I am not a pervert! Okay? It's just… I just… Kinda…

Chandler: All right, look! Look. I think I can explain this.

(He walks over and stands behind Joey.)

Joey: Thank you!

Chandler: Joey's a sex addict.

Joey: What?!! (He turns around and stares at Chandler who's silently pleading with Joey to go along with it.) No I'm not!!

Monica: It's okay! It's good! It's good. It's a disease!

Joey: No! No! I am not a sex addict!

Monica: Yes you are! That's the only way to explain all this stuff!

Joey: No it isn't! No, it's not. Because you can also explain it with the truth!

Rachel: Well, what is the truth?

Ross: Yeah, what's going on?

Phoebe: What's going on?

Joey: (thinking) I slept with Monica.

Chandler: Well let's….let's see what everybody thinks of that?

Monica: Oh no!

Ross: You slept with my sister?

Joey: Uh yes, but it was, we just did it once uh, in London.

Ross: This is not good for my rage. (Takes another pill.)

Rachel: Monica, is this true?

Joey: Of course it's true! How else would you explain all the weird stuff that's been going on?

Monica: Yes it's true.

Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?

Joey: Ahh—oy! That was the underwear I was wearing that night in London. Right Monica?

Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it (Pause) as a souvenir.

Ross: My God Monica!!

Chandler: Are you sure Joe? Are you sure you're not just a sex addict?

Joey: No! If anyone's a sex addict here, it's Monica! Yeah. Yeah. She has been trying to get me back in the sack ever since London!

Phoebe: So that's why she gave you a naked picture of herself.

Joey: That makes sense!

Rachel: And the video camera?

Joey: Uhh, Monica?

Monica: I guess I set up the video camera to try and entice Joey.

Joey: But sadly I could not be enticed.

Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?!

Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants.

Joey: Well, I think we've all learned something about who's disgusting and who's not. Eh? All right, now, I'm going to get back to my bucket. I'm only eating the skin, so the chicken's up for grabs. (Offers it to everyone.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's class; the class has ended and Phoebe is talking to one of her classmates.]

Phoebe: I really thought you making a good point. I mean y'know, until you got cut off.

A Female Student: Yeah, what's up with that girl Monica?

Phoebe: I don't know! I didn't come with her!

Monica: (entering, happily) All right everybody! Everybody guess what? I just convinced Paul to give us a test next week!

All: A test?!!

Monica: Come on! Tests make us all better learners! Oh yeah! (Running out) We should have essay questions!!

End

509 罗斯的三明治

我坐在什么上面了？

坐在世界之颠（歌名）？坐在海湾码头（歌名）？

我猜不出。

呃！谁的内裤！

是谁的？站出来！

反正不是我的！

是乔伊的！肯定是他的没错！

好吧，是我的。

是乔伊的！乔——伊的！

你的内裤为什么在这儿？

我不晓得

因为我是乔伊。

我就是恶心，我在别人家里脱裤子。

快拿走！你什么毛病？

拿走!

快点!

乔伊，你连自己的内裤也不敢碰！

钱德？出来谈谈。

到此为止！我厌倦了为你们俩遮羞！

啊！居然把三角裤给玩丢了！

你以为你是什么，三岁小孩吗？

多谢你乔伊，非常感谢！

嘿，用不着你谢。听着，

你们俩老让我当众出丑，我很不爽！

昨天瑞秋在我们卧房发现你的刮毛器，

我没法解释，

只好说那是我在用，因为在戏里要反串！

结果倒好，

哇，脚踝周围也刮干净啦，这里可是死角。

没错！听好，我再也不想

偷偷摸摸我们也不好受。

是啊，不过做爱以后你们就快活多了！

哦，那倒是。

我们以后更谨慎些好吗？我们不想公开，

因为也许正是地下交往

所以我们俩感情才这么好！

我知道这听来很离谱，但我们

实在都不擅长谈恋爱。

我们总是搞砸！帮帮我们！

请帮忙！

好吧！

那你跟我睡一次。

乔伊！

说说而已。

嘿，菲比！

看什么书呢？

《呼啸山庄》。

我必须读完它因为我在一间新学校

里选修了文学课，明天上第一课。

没想到你会去上课，太酷了。

那是因为我真的喜欢上次的助产课！

所以这次我想学点更长知识、

又不必考试的课程。

宝贝，听起来很好玩。

那你和我一起去吧！那我就有同班同学啦！

好。

哦，但你哪有时间看书呢？

那本书我高中时读过。

一定很有意思！

好了小声点，我得把它读完。

嗨——

兄弟怎么了？

有同事吃了我的三明治！

那警察怎么说？

是感恩节留下的三明治。居然被人偷吃了！

罗斯，只是一块三明治而已！

只是三明治？

我三十了，将要二度离婚，

而且房东逼我搬家！

那块三明治是我生命中唯一美好的东西！

有人吃掉了我生命中唯一美好的东西！

好吧，我有更好吃的东西，

本来想留着自己吃的，不过

太好了。多谢。

我还是不敢相信居然有人

偷吃我的东西！因为

我留了条子在上面。

有人在吗？我是罗斯?盖勒的午饭。

请别吃掉我，好吗？

奇怪你居然没有把午饭顶在头上。

好吧，如果你真想看住你的食物，以我多年来

为了生计和形形色色的人打交道的

经验来看，你就得把人们吓退。

真的？那你会怎么写，菲比？

是不是“把你的脏手从我的食物上拿开！”

罗斯，当菲比说她为生活而打拼，你是不是就会

联想到《孤女安妮》(Disney TV)里的演员们？

写好了，这下我看谁还敢动你的食物！

哇喔，高！

菲比，你真流氓！

改天告诉你我扎伤警察的事。

菲比?

是对方先扎我！！

对不起我来迟了，但我下班太晚。

好的。

菲比，这书写什么的？

你不是说你高中就读过？

我曾经试图要读这本书，还给自己鼓了好多次劲，

不过，嗯，这书说什么的？

嗯，这是凯茜和希刺克里夫的爱情悲剧，

发生在英格兰一个毛骨悚然的地区。

我想这象征着希刺克里夫性格中野性

不羁的一面。这就叫“象征主义”。

你如何归纳这本书的主题？

我们请谁回答呢，瑞秋?格林？

嗯，我得说，这是一个爱情悲剧。

那好象不言自明，还有谁知道？

哦，象征主义！

还有，嗯，蛮荒的环境，我想是反映

希刺克里夫性格中野性不羁的一面。

回答得很好！聪明的瑞秋已经发现

你剽窃我的答案！

宝贝，这书的主题不是明摆着吗。

但你怎么会知道？你压根没读过它！

你怎么看，蓝衣服的姑娘？

我认为，嗯，这是个见人见智的问题。

那你能谈谈你的想法吗？

你是在鹦鹉学舌对吧？

算了，继续上课。

好的。

你为什么不干脆承认你没读过呢？

因为，因为我不想他觉得我蠢！

不过你刚才也够糗的！

菲比!

什么?

菲比! 你的字条，效果神奇！

同事们不但不敢动我的三明治，

而且都开始怕我。

有个家伙叫我神经病，神经病盖勒，呵呵，

我一直都想有这么酷的外号。

是啊，高中时你最好的外号就是

“湿裤子盖勒”。

那只是因为喷泉！

大家帮我写报告，为适应我的时间表

而推迟截止日期。

告诉你们说，只要态度

强硬，要什么有什么！

嘿小崔，把咖啡给我！马上！

太有趣了！

我正猜想你会不会再约我呢。

那你现在还在猜吗？

没有了，刚才我们不是约会了吗。

你很机灵，我喜欢。

哦，蜡烛！

那是什么？毯子？摄像头？天哪！

哦，别！别！留步！别走！

难以置信，你居然想在我们第

一次约会就拍下做爱的场面！

你好。

乔伊，她刚才说的当真？

哦天呵，你还真做得出

这里发生什么事了?

而且钱德就在隔壁，你怎么了，有病？

我是乔伊嘛，

我是说，我就是恶心。

我拍摄低成本成人电影。

你们俩发誓要注意影响的！

好人乔伊被你们搞得斯文扫地啦！

我们很抱歉

是的。

我要全都说出去！

这样才能解释清楚内裤和摄像机的事，

这样我才不像一头猪。

别，等一下！我有更好的解释。

你可以跟他们讲，

你得拍一部成人电影，

拿去上成人电影课。

嗯，这主意好。

不过，瑞秋在你们家发现

我的内裤又怎么解释？

哦？我不知道。

公开你们的恋爱关系吧！

请再等等。我们总会有办法的，

再给我们一点时间。

好吧，你们想出来的办法最好

让我看起来非常，非常伟大。

哦，还有，

摄象机？高招！！

嗯，罗斯，跟你谈谈可以吗？

当然可以，唐纳德。

有人告状说你最近

有一些愤怒的行为

什么?!

写恐吓信，拒绝遵守截止期限，

大家开始叫你神经病。

是的

希望你能跟心理医生谈一谈。

哦不，你不明白，这好象有点傻气，

这都只是因为我的三明治。

三明治?

是啊，我的妹妹做了一些

很好吃的火鸡三明治。

她的秘方是，她在其中

多夹了一层肉汁浸过的面包。

我把它称作“湿滑口感专家”，

总之我放了一块三明治到这个冰箱里。

哦，你知道吗？

对不起，我，是我吃了它。

你吃我的三明治？

只是拿错了而已，

任何人都可以犯错。

哦是吗？你吃你自己的火鸡三明治

居然吃掉我的“湿滑口感专家”?

不是这样的。

你有没有碰巧看见上面贴着一张字条？

我以为有人开玩笑

写打油诗什么的在上面呢

上面写清楚了那是我的三明治？

冷静，到我办公室来，你也许在

垃圾筒里还能找到你的三明治

什么?

它个头太大，我不得不扔掉了很多。

你把我的三明治扔掉？

我的三明治?!!!

嗨!

那，今天这本书讲什么的？

你又不看？

本来想看的,后来看别的去了

看什么?

《时尚》杂志!

嘿，跟我讲讲这个叫简爱的女人

不讲！你应该自己读！

好菲比，装什么乖宝宝

好吧

简爱，听名字你以为她是个女人；

其实她是电子人。

电子人?! 那岂不是有点像机器人？

对，这本书领先时代几光年。

对不起我来迟了。开始上课，

各位怎样评价简爱？

嗯，瑞秋刚才正和我讨论，

她的见解相当有趣。

说说看，瑞秋。

嗯，谢谢菲比。《简爱》这本书最

吸引我的地方是它领先于时代。

如果你指的是女权意识，

我同意。

不错，女权意识，

但还有机器人也很领先。

嘿

嘿，因为摄像的事没成功，

所以我给你带了点预览照片。

你的全裸照！

我知道。

罗斯?

嘿钱德，莫妮卡！

罗斯，你没事吧？

我很好！我今天去看心理医生了。

为什么?!

治疗我的愤怒。

如今你情绪有点失控？

他让我吃了药。

吃药?

嗯，医生说我对老板吼叫

所以必须停职查看一段时间，

我又大为光火，

所以他给我一片镇静剂。

我认为这主意不错所以吃了。

等一下，他们让你停职？

而你居然接受？

不知道。也许一段时间不上班有点奇怪，

不过我已经不再在意我的三明治了。

羞死人了！想不到你一直听任我出丑！

我很抱歉。

当你拿简爱和机械战警作比较，

实在太有趣了。

这不好笑！

好吧我是故意捉弄你！

谁让你上课不认真呢。

菲比得了吧！这又不是什么大件事！

我只是想和你做同一件事，

我本以为会很有意思的！

好，有意思是没错，

但我还想学点东西。

大家总是谈论高中生活，

而我从没上过高中。

哦，原来你真想学东西，

好吧，菲比，但我只想找点乐子。

哦，你知道应该带谁去上课吗？

我知道！

莫妮卡，你来问问题好了。

哦天啊！是莫妮卡！！

不！！！！！！！！！！！

滚远点！变态——狂！

什么事?

乔伊偷窥！

哦没有！

他有！他有一张莫妮卡的裸照！

他还给大家都拍裸照！

然后他一边吃鸡一边欣赏！

看!

别这样！她是我妹妹！

给我!

够了！大家冷静一下好吗？

给我们的朋友乔伊机会解释

他为什么是如此一个变态佬！

不! 我不是变态佬!我只是

好，我想我能解释这事

谢谢你!

乔伊是个性瘾患者

什么?!!我不是!!

这没什么! 这很好! 这很好.

只是一种疾病!

不! 不! 我不是什么性瘾患者!

你是的! 所以你才花样百出!

不是这样！真相其实是——

那你说真相是什么？

对啊,发生了什么事？

我和莫妮卡睡过了。

大家怎么看？

哦，不！

你竟和我妹妹上床？

对，不过只有一次，在伦敦。

这对控制我的愤怒可没好处

莫妮卡，是真事吗？

当然是真的！不然你怎么

解释这么多怪事？

是真的。

好吧，如果只是一夜情，那天你的内裤

怎么跑到我们公寓来了？

啊？那是我在伦敦当夜穿的内裤。

对吧，莫妮卡？

我大概是想珍藏

作为纪念物。

天哪莫妮卡!!

你确定吗，乔，你确定

你不是性瘾患者？

我不是！如果这里有人是的话，

那一定是莫妮卡，错不了。

伦敦归来后她一直

企图引诱我再度失身！

所以她才给你裸照。

就是这样！

那摄影机呢？

嗯，莫妮卡?

是我想用摄影机引诱乔伊。

可惜我坚贞不屈

难以置信！你真的留着乔伊的内裤？

你为什么这样做？

因为我是莫妮卡

我就是恶心。

我勾搭男人，还保留他们的内裤。

谁恶心谁不恶心，我想现在

一清二楚了吧，大家？

好，现在我又可以吃鸡了。

我只吃鸡皮，鸡肉你们随便拿！

我认为你讲得很好，直到你被打断。

那个莫妮卡有什么毛病啊？

不知道！我不跟她一起的！

大家猜猜看怎么着！我已经说服

保罗下周给我们来一次考试！

考试?!!

别怕！考试会让我们学得更好！

对了！应该考考散文方面的题目！！

510 The One With The Inappropriate Sister

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Ross is cleaning out the fridge. Joey walks from his room. He looks like he just woke up.]

Joey: What are you doing?

Ross: I...reorganized the fridge. See, bottom shelf: meats and dairy. (There’s nothing on the shelf.) Middle shelf: fruits and vegetables. (There’s one lone tomato.) And top shelf: expired products. (The shelf is jammed packed.)

Joey: Why are you doing this?

Ross: Because I am bored...Out of my mind. I’ve already been to the bank, post office, and the dry cleaners.

Joey: Dude, you just described seven days worth of stuff. You’ve got to spread it out a little, you know. Haven’t you ever been unemployed?

Ross: Hey, I am not unemployed. I’m on sabbatical!

Joey: Hey, don’t get religious on me, ok. (Ross looks a little confused.) A guy in your position needs to be a little better at relaxing. You know. Why do you think we have the comfortable chairs? Huh...come here…sit down. (Ross sits down.) Ready? (Joey flips the foot rest up.) Ahh!! (He reclines the chair fully.) Ohh, yeah!! Huh?!

Ross: So what, we just sit?

Joey: Ohh, no, no. We’re not going to just sit. (Joey sits down and hits the speed dial button on the phone.) Shhh. (It begins to ring.)

Chandler: (Answering the phone at work) Hello, Chandler Bing.

Joey: (In a high pitched female voice) Hello Mr. Bing...I love you.

Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) It’s been six months! It’s not funny!

Joey: But, I love you.

Chandler: Leave me alone! For the love of God, leave me alone!!! (Joey hangs up.)

Joey: And that’s Wednesday. (He reclines in his chair.) Ohh.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Rachel are there. Phoebe walks in ringing a bell.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys, guess what?

Chandler: The British are coming?

Phoebe: Ohh, you and your ways. (She shakes the bell at him and sits down.) Since it’s Christmastime. I’m going to be one of those people collection donations.

All: Ohh.

Phoebe: (Excitedly) Yeah, I already have my bell and later on...I get my bucket.

Chandler: Ohh.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, I’m going to be out there spreading joy to the people. I mean, last year, I spread a little joy but not really enough. So this year, I’m going to do the whole city.

Monica: You know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular. (Chandler laughs.)

Joey: So Pheebs, where are you doing all, your bell ringing?

Phoebe: Ohh, they gave me a great spot. Right by Macys. Yeah, they hardly ever give such a good spot to a rookie, but I’m the only one who can sing "Merry Christmas" in 25 languages. (She smirks.) I lied.

Rachel: Oh my god. Ok you guys, there’s Danny. Watch. Just watch this. (He walks past the couch to the counter.) See?! Still pretending he’s not interested. Ohh, he’s coming over. Just pretend like we don’t know him. We’ve forgotten who he is.

Danny: Hey guys.

All: Hey Danny.

Monica: Danny? You know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?

Rachel: Thanks, Mon.

Danny: Well, of course.

Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?

Rachel: Monica!!!

Danny: (Looking at Monica) Absolutely! Is Friday okay?

Monica: Friday’s perfect...She can’t wait.

Danny: (To Monica) On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly? (To Rachel) See ya Friday. (He walks out.)

Rachel: (Somewhat angrily) Okay. What the hell was that? You know what? Don’t answer me. (Giggling) I have a date with Danny.

[Scene: Estelle's (Joey's Agent) Office, Joey is there.]

Joey: How could I not get the part? The play was about a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens.

Estelle: Well, Telia Shire suddenly became available.

Joey: She’s a woman!

Estelle: What can I say? She nailed it.

Joey: (Very discouraged) Okay, is there anything else?

Estelle: Well, you’re just going to say no again but...gay porn.

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is collecting donations and ringing her bell.]

Phoebe: Happy Holidays. Feliz Navidad. Allo, and Merry Christmas. (A man put some change in her bucket.) Ohh thank you sir. Here's some joy. (She waves her hand up and down as if she is spreading joy.)

Monica: (Walking in from off screen.) Phoebe!

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: I just wanted to see how it's going.

Phoebe: Well, it's going okay.

Monica: (Taking out her wallet.) Well good, here let me help you out.

Phoebe: Oh, thanks!

Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe: Wow!

(Monica puts some change in Phoebe's bucket.)

Phoebe: Is that a new Swede jacket? It looks really expensive.

Monica: Yeah. I guess. (She puts more money in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Just get your nails done?

Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Okay! Thanks! Happy Holidays, here's your joy. (She waves her arm and spreads her joy.)

(A man walks up and puts a dollar bill in.)

Phoebe: Thank you! And Happy Holidays.

(The man starts to take some change out.)

Phoebe: Wait, you can't take the money out.

The Man: I'm making change. I need change for the bus.

Phoebe: But, can't you leave the dollar? This money is for the poor.

The Man: I'm poor! I gotta take the bus!

Phoebe: Okay, Seasons Greetings and everything, but still…

The Man: Bite me, blondie! (The man storms off.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm going to give him something else besides joy, just… (She scowls at him.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is telling Ross how he didn't get the part.]

Joey: That part was perfect for me! I can't believe I didn't get it!

Ross: I'm sorry, man. Hey, y'know what you should do? You should make something happen for yourself. Y'know, like-like write a play. Write a movie! Huh? I mean, what about those Good Will Hunting guys?

Joey: Come on Ross be realistic, y'know? If I did write something, what are the chances I could get those guys to star in it?

(Ross just stares at him until he figures it out.)

Joey: Wait a second, I could star in it!

Ross: Or that.

Joey: I can't write! Y'know I mean I-I-I'm an actor, I don't have the discipline that takes, y'know? I can't do it.

Ross: I'll help you. Yeah, I'll make up a schedule and make sure you stick to it. And plus, it'll give me something to do.

Joey: Really? You'd-you'd do that for me?!

Ross: Yeah!

Joey: Thanks!

Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.

Joey: Done!

Ross: And it can't be Joey.

Joey: It's not.

Ross: Or Joseph.

Joey: (disappointed) Oh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning. Monica enters from her room wearing nothing but a robe.]

Monica: Hey, what's up?

Rachel: I just saw Danny getting on the subway with a girl and he had his arm around her.

Monica: Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Well, you should be, this is all your fault! You meddled in our relationship!!

Monica: You had no relationship!!

Rachel: No, but I was doing my thing and everything was going according to the plan!

Monica: Oh God, stop with the plan! So what, so what you saw him with a girl? Who cares?! That doesn't mean anything! Now look, you're going to go out on a date with Danny and you're going to be so charming he's gonna forget all about that stupid subway girl.

Rachel: She was kinda stupid. You're right. All right, I'm just gonna go on the date. I'm gonna go on the date. That is the new plan.

(Rachel goes into her room and closes the door. Which allows Monica to let Chandler out of her room.)

Monica: Come on, hurry!

(Chandler runs out the door and closes it behind him. After a short pause the door opens and Chandler comes rushing back through, grabs Monica, kisses her good-bye, and heads back out.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.]

Joey: Hey, how do you spell suspicious?

Chandler: Why?

Joey: Because I think this character is going to be suspicious about stuff.

(Chandler makes it into the bowl.)

Chandler: Yes! Chandler Bing, 7! Chandler Bing, 0.

Joey: You're driving me crazy with that!

Chandler: Okay, I'll stop.

Joey: Don’t stop! Move the bowl further away! Ross could make that shot!

(Chandler slides the bowl to the far end of the counter. He tries again, but he hits the spoon to hard and the ball goes flying away.)

Joey: Well, you suck! But at least you suck at a man's game now.

Chandler: You wanna play?

Joey: Chandler, I can't be playing games, Ross is gonna be home soon. And I have to write five whole pages if I'm gonna stick to his schedule.

Chandler: Well, so, play for the next 30 minutes and then write until he gets home.

Joey: (jumping up) All right! But uh, listen, what do you say we crank it up a notch?

Chandler: I'm intrigued.

Joey: All right, all we need is a little lighter fluid.

Chandler: Okay, but be careful okay, because I wanna get our security deposit back.

Joey: Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts.

Chandler: Do you even remember which part of the wall is not spackle?

Joey: Uh yeah, right here. (He punches his fist through the wall next to the door.)

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe is still ringing her bell. A guy puts some change into the bucket.]

Phoebe: Thank you, Happy Holidays.

(Another woman walks up and throws something into the bucket.)

Phoebe: Now, that's trash. Young lady, you can't… (The lady ignores her and walks off.) Hey! Stop that young lady, she donated trash!

(Another guy walks by and throws his light cigarette butt in the bucket.)

Phoebe: Hey!! (The bucket starts smoking.) The charity's on fire! Help! (Yet another guy walks by carrying a cup, which Phoebe grabs.) Oh good! Thank you, I need that. (She throws onto the smoldering fire. Suddenly the bucket erupts in flames.) Whoa! What is that?! (She sniffs the cup.) (To the guy.) It's nine o'clock in the morning!

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is reading what Joey wrote.]

Ross: All right. (Reading.) A room. A man enters, he looks suspicious. (Stops reading a flips the page to find the next one is blank.) That's it? (Joey shrugs.) Joey, you're supposed to have five pages done by now! Including an exciting incident! (Flipping through the rest of the pad.) And what is, and what is all this?! (Reading.) The official rulebook of Fireball.

Joey: Yeah, that's the uh, game we were playing.

Chandler: (entering from his room carrying a fire extinguisher and wearing oven mitts) Oh yeah, it's great! See you take a tennis ball, a bowl, and some lighter fluid—Op! Op! (He puts out a small fire which has re-ignited in his room.)

Ross: This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!

Joey: You're right, you're right, I'll get back to work.

Ross: (To Chandler) And shame on you! You should know better, Joey needs to work. (To Joey) Now come on!

Joey: Hey!

(He tries to fire a burnt tennis ball into the bowl Chandler is standing by, but Ross grabs the ball away from him.)

Ross: No! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! You can have this back when the five pages are done! (After Joey walks past, Ross throws the ball down in pain.) Ahh! (Chandler shows him the burn spots on his oven mitts.)

[Scene: Outside Danny's apartment, Danny and Rachel are returning from their date.]

Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.

Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

(He kisses her.)

Danny: I'd love to ask you in, but uh, my sister's visiting and I think she's asleep on the couch.

Rachel: You're sister? You're sister's asleep on the couch? (Danny nods, "Yes.") Ohhh! I saw her with you on the subway and now she's asleep on the couch!

Danny's Sister: (opening the door) Oh, I thought I heard you.

Danny: Oh hey, great, you're up. Rachel, this is my sister Krista. Krista, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Hi!

Krista: Nice to meet you. I wish you'd told me we were having company, I'd fix myself up!

Danny: Like it would help.

Krista: You are so bad! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him softly.)

Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)

Krista: You are! (Hits him harder this time.)

Danny: You are so dead! I'm gonna get you.

(He starts chasing her around Rachel a couple of times before she runs into the living room and he tackles her on the couch where he starts tickling her.)

Rachel: (not sure what to do) Uh, it was very nice meeting you. (They continue to ignore her.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is complaining to Ross and Monica about the bucket.]

Phoebe: Nobody! Nobody respects the bucket! You wouldn't believe what people put in here! Look! (Hands it to Monica.) Okay, does this look like a garbage can to you?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like an ashtray?

Monica: No.

Phoebe: Does it look like a urinal?

Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)

Ross: So Pheebs, are you gonna go back out there or what?

Phoebe: Well, yeah! But I'm not gonna take anymore crap. Okay? No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!

Monica: Yeah, good for you. Y'know you're tough, you lived on the streets.

Phoebe: Yeah, I'm gonna go back to being Street Phoebe. Yeah! Oh but, y'know what? I can't go totally back because Street Phoebe really wouldn't be friends with you guys. Sorry. (Leaves.)

Rachel: (entering from her room) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Rachel: Hey, umm, can I ask you guys something?

Monica and Ross: Sure.

Rachel: Uh, I don't have any brothers so I don't know, but uh, did you guys wrestle?

Ross: Oh-oh, yeah.

Monica: All the time. In fact, I was undefeated.

Ross: Uh, you weighted 200 pounds.

Monica: Still, I was quick as a cat.

Rachel: Well, I met Danny's sister yesterday, and uh that was actually the girl on the subway.

Monica: Oh, you're kidding.

Rachel: Yeah, they were very y'know…wrestley. But, I guess that's normal?

Monica: (laughing with Ross) We don't, we don't wrestle now.

Ross: Yeah, not since I got too strong for you.

Monica: Too strong for me?

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: You wanna go right now? 'Cause I'll take you right now, buddy! You wanna go?

Ross: Oh fine.

Monica: Ready? (They grab a hold of each other's necks.) Wrestle! (They start wrestling.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what uh, actually, that's great. That helps a lot. Thanks. (She leaves them to wrestle.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is cleaning the foosball table, Joey is working on his script.]

Chandler: (entering from his bedroom) Guys, come on! Let's go! The puck drops in 20 minutes! Come on, Joe!

Ross: Joey's not going.

Joey: (To Chandler) I didn't finish my five pages.

Chandler: Well, why can't you do them tomorrow?

Ross: Because tomorrow he's redoing yesterday's pages.

Joey: Yesterday's pages did not reflect my best work.

Chandler: (To Ross) Why don't you cut him a little slack? Okay? Maybe if he relaxes a little bit, he'll get some work done.

Ross: I think he's been relaxing enough, thanks to you and Fireball.

Joey: Dude, if you think Fireball's relaxing, you've obviously have never played.

Chandler: The only reason you're doing this to Joey is because you're bored. Okay, it's not his fault that you're unemployed.

Ross: I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical!

Joey: Come on look guys, don't fight.

Ross: And the reason I'm doing this is because I am Joey's friend. And if you were a good friend, you'd be doing the same thing.

Chandler: Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?

Ross: If it does? Then you're an amazing friend of mine.

Joey: Hey-hey guys, hey! How about we settle this over a friendly game of Fireball? Huh? I'll go unhook the smoke detectors!

Ross: How about we settle this right now! (He rips up the tickets.) There! Now, no one's going to the game. Ha-ha-ha!

Chandler: I paid for those tickets!

Ross: No you didn't. You said you would, but you never did!

Chandler: Oh yeah! (Makes an unintelligible taunting sound.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are listening to a story being told by Danny and his sister.]

Danny: …so we finally get to the top of the mountain and airhead here (His sister) forgets the camera!

Joey: Oh, y'know the same thing happened to me one time.

Chandler: When did that happen to you?!

Joey: Don't you remember when we were jogging in the park and we saw that really pretty bird and wanted to take a picture—I didn't have my camera!

Chandler: Oh yeah. First off all, chasing the Churo guy isn't jogging.

Krista: Oh, this is so good (A piece of cake.) you have got to try it. (She takes some on her finger and feeds it to Danny. Then takes a little more and does it again. Meanwhile, the rest of the gang stares on in shock. Then they pick up a part of it and some filling falls into his lap.)

Danny: Oh, damn! I got it on my pants.

Krista: Here, I'll get it. (She grabs a napkin and tries to wipe it up. The thing that gets the rest of the gang going is that she's whipping awfully close to his crotch. In fact, she is whipping his crotch. Chandler's about to come out of his chair.)

Krista: We'd better take these pants off upstairs or that stain's gonna set.

Danny: Yep. (To Rachel) I'm gonna wear these on our date tonight.

Rachel: Oh, great!

Chandler: Okay, bye! (To the gang.) Oh my God!!

Monica: That was unbelievable!

Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!

Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.

Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister.

Joey: They're brother and sister!!!

[Scene: In front of Macys, Phoebe has adorned her bucket with numerous signs. Like "We are not a urinal!" and "I have no Macys info." And other stuff like that. She also has a scowl on her face as she is ringing her bell. A little old lady walks up to make a donation but Phoebe stops her.]

Phoebe: Oh whoa-whoa-whoa! Wait a minute, open up your hand; let me take a look. (The lady opens up her hand.) Quarter. Dime. Lint? Not interested in that. (She throws the lint away.) What's this? A Canadian coin? Get outta here! (The lady walks away.)

(Another man walks up with a drink in his hand, Phoebe stops him too.)

Phoebe: Whoa-whoa-whoa! No drinks near the bucket! Set it down over there and then you can make a contribution! (The guy starts to walk away with a hurt look on his face.) And you can leave the hurt bunny look over there too! (Her boss and a co-worker walk up.) Hi Bob! (The same old lady from before walks bye.) (To the old lady.) I thought I told you to get outta here!

Bob: Uh, Phoebe we've been getting complaints and uh, we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.

Phoebe: What?!

Bob: Umm, Ginger's gonna take over this corner.

Phoebe: That chick can't handle my corner.

Bob: Look, either you leave, or we remove you.

Phoebe: Fine. (She hands her bell to Ginger and starts to take down her signs.) (The same old lady walks by again.) All right, I'll give you one pointer. Look out for that bitch. (The old lady.)

[Scene: Danny's apartment, there's a knock on the door and he answers it.]

Danny: Oh, hey Rach! I thought we said seven?

Rachel: Yeah uh, y'know what uh, let's skip it.

Danny: What?! Why?!

Rachel: Umm, you-you and your sister seem to have umm, a very special bond, and…

Danny: Oh great! That special bond again! Why do women have such a problem with the fact that I'm close with my sister?

Rachel: Well, okay, look. I don't know, listen, I don't know what's going on here but let's…

Danny: Do-do you, do you have brothers?

Rachel: No, I have two sisters. But one of them has a very masculine energy.

Danny: Are you close with them?

Rachel: No-no, they're not very nice people.

Danny: Okay, listen, I really like you. Okay? I think this can go somewhere. So what if I'm close to my family, are you gonna let that stand in the way of us?

Rachel: Well, uh, I-I don't know. See when-when you put it that way y'know it does sort of…

Krista: (calling from the bathroom) Danny! Hurry up! The bath is getting cold!

Danny: (seeing Rachel's shocked look) What?

Rachel: Yeah, okay, I'll see you later. (Gets up and runs from the apartment.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Oh hey! There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?

Ross: Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! I was at the library all morning and I already finished my five pages for today!

Ross: Yay!

Chandler: Great! Now, we can go to the Ranger game! (Pause) Last night!

Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets!

Ross: I guess when you don't have so many distractions, it's easier for you to focus. Huh?

Chandler: Yeah or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY!!

Joey: Yeah, well, that's fine, but the important thing is that I finished it. And uh, I think it's really good, but y'know it'd really help me is if I could hear it. So would you guys read it for me?

Chandler: All right. (Takes a copy.)

Ross: All right. (Takes another copy.)

Joey: Okay. (Reading.) "It's a typical New York City apartment. Two guys are hanging out." Ross (Points to him.)

(Ross and Chandler start to read Joey's script aloud.)

Ross: Hey man.

Chandler: What is up?

Ross: About yesterday, I was really wrong. I am sorry.

Chandler: No, it was me. I'm sorry. I over reacted.

Ross: Maybe it was both of us, but we had our best friend's interest… (Pauses and looks at Joey.) But we had our best friend's interest at heart.

Chandler: Could I be more sorry. (Looks at Joey.)

Ross: I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist. (Stops reading.) All right Joey, we get it. (To Chandler) I'm sorry.

Chandler: (To Ross) I'm sorry too.

Joey: Oh no! No-no, keep reading! The good part's coming up. Keep going.

Ross: (reading from the script.) I am sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I am sorry, Ross.

Joey: A handsome man enters. (Playing the part of the handsome man.) Hey! How's it going guys? I don't know what you two were talking about, but I'd like to say thanks to both of you. You, (Ross) you wouldn't let me give up on myself, and you (Chandler) well you co-created Fireball. The end.

Chandler: This took you all day?!

Joey: No-no, this only took five minutes. I spent the rest of the day coming up with new, Ultimate Fireball. (Takes out a bowling ball and a propane torch.) Ha-ha!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are about to read another one of Joey's efforts.]

Joey: (Reading the scene set up.) Okay, it's a typical New York City apartment. Two girls are just hanging out.

(Monica and Rachel begin to read from the script.)

Monica: Hi, how are you doing Kelly?

Rachel: I'm doing just fine! God, Tiffany, you smell so great!

Monica: It's my new perfume. Why don't you come closer where you can really appreciate it?

(They both start to read ahead.)

Rachel: Oh, y'know Joey, you are sick!

Monica: This is disgusting!

(They both throw the scripts in his face.)

Rachel: I'm not reading this!

Joey: What?! Wait-wait-wait! The handsome man was about to enter!!

End

510 兄妹“情”

干什么呢？

我整理了冰箱

最下面放肉类和奶品

中间一层放水果和蔬菜

最上面放快到期的食品

你干吗要这样做？

因为我闲得发慌

我去过了银行、邮局还有干洗店

伙计，你一口气干了7天的活

干活得细水常流式，一天干一点，

你没失过业吧

我可不是失业！

只是放大假

别太较真嘛

既然是放假，你可以放轻松一点

我们来坐舒服的椅子，坐下

准备好了？看

恩？

那有怎样,干坐着？

噢,不

不，还有节目

噤声先

你好,我是钱德宾

你好,宾先生

我爱你!

够了，我不管你是谁

不许再打电话来!

闹半年了!这样不好玩!

但我爱你!

放了我吧!

看在上帝份上，放过我吧

这是周三的节目了

嘿，各位!猜猜怎么着

英国人要来？

你少来你那套

圣诞节了，我要参加募集捐赠品的活动

发了只铃铛，之后会发一个募捐箱

我要散播欢乐散播爱

去年我也这样做，但我做得不够

今年我要把爱洒满人间

我有个高中同学就那么做，

她人见人爱

菲比，你要在哪里摇铃？

在梅西旁边，一个很棒的地方

他们本来从不把好地方给新手的

但我是唯一一个

能用25国语言唱”圣诞快乐”歌的

我骗他们的!

我的天，丹尼来了

看看他

看到吧？他还装

他过来了，我们假装不认得他

嘿，大家好

噢，丹尼!

你知道瑞秋，她人很好

她长得不错，对吧？

谢谢，莫妮

没错

你想跟她约会吗？

莫妮！

好啊。星期五可以吗

星期五好，她快等不及了

约会时，我能直接跟她说话吗？

星期五见

搞什么飞机。

别解释

我跟丹尼要约会了!

这个角色怎么可能不让我演？

片子是讲一个皇后区来的

29岁的意大利演员啊!

哎，Telia Shire突然又排出时间了

她是女的!

我有啥办法，她坚持要演

还有剩别的角色吗？

你肯定又不会答应的

同志情色电影

节日快乐!

Feliz Navidad.（墨西哥语：圣诞快乐）

还有，圣诞快乐

谢谢你，先生

给你快乐

怎么样

还可以

我帮你忙吧

噢，谢谢

新的小山羊皮外套？很贵吧

是的

刚刚修指甲去了？

是的，菲比

我就这么多了

谢谢。节日快乐

给你快乐

谢谢!节日快乐

等等

钱不能要回去了

我是跟你换零钱，来坐公车

一块钱你也舍不得？

钱是捐给穷人的

我就是穷人，还要挤公车！

好吧，节日快乐，不过

少罗嗦，金发女

哼，我得给他点颜色看看

这个角色简直是为我定做！

我居然没份

替你难过，伙计

你应该

为自己创造机会

例如写个剧本

写部电影，

像《心灵捕手》那样的如何

现实点吧，就算我写出来了

找谁来演？

我自己可以演啊

随便啦

我写不来，

我只是个演员

没受过写作训练

我做不来的

我帮你

我排个计划表

并且督促你坚持

我也好有事可干

你会帮我？

谢谢

好，我们慢慢来。今晚你要想的

是主角的名字

想好了

不能是“乔伊”

不是

也不能是“约瑟夫”

哦

怎么了？

我刚在地铁看到

丹尼和一个女孩一起

他揽着她的腰

亲爱的，这真叫人不好过

都是你的错

你把我们的事搞砸了

你们根本就没有关系!

但我正按照计划、

尽一切努力

还计什么划！

看到他跟女孩一起又怎样

管他那么多！

你去跟丹尼约会，迷死他

让他把地铁里那个蠢女人

忘到九霄云外

她看来是挺蠢的

你说得对，我要去约会

我要去约会，计划B

快跑！

”疑心重”怎么拼？

为什么问

我认为这个角色应该怀疑一切

钱德宾1号，7分！

钱德宾2号，0分!

你闹死我了

那我不玩了

不用停，把碗放远点，

罗斯可以弹很远

你真笨

不过你至少在玩男人的游戏了

想玩吗？

我没时间，罗斯很快就回来了，

我不写完5页就赶不上他的计划

那先玩30分钟，然后写到他回来

好！

不过我建议，

提高难度

我赞成

我们需要打火机油

小心点，我还想要回安全保证金呢

是吗？我还以为锤镖游戏让

保证金早打水漂了呢

还记得哪块墙面没填上吗？

这里

谢谢!节日快乐

垃圾！姑娘你不能

拦住她！居然捐垃圾!

慈善事业着火了！

救火啊!

好，谢谢，我正找水呢

杯子里是什么？

才早上9点！

好，一个房间

有人进来，他看来很可疑

就完了？

你本该写5页的

还要包含一次戏剧高潮！

这是什么？

燃烧弹的使用手册吗？

那是我们要玩的游戏

够了，一个网球、一个碗和

一个打火机

这对你的事业有帮助吗？

你是要当个演员

而不是玩违法的游戏

你说得对，我接着写

你真浑!你最清楚乔伊得工作

快去写！

嘿！

不许玩!啊——

写完5页才许玩

今晚很开心

我也是

我真的很高兴

莫妮替我们安排约会

我想请你进来的

但我妹妹来了

她在沙发上睡呢

你妹妹？

你妹妹睡沙发？

我在地铁看见你和她一起

现在她就睡在沙发上

我听见你回来了

嘿,你起来啦

瑞秋，我妹妹Krista

Krista，这是瑞秋

见到你真好

没听说你要来，我还没梳洗呢

梳洗打扮了就会好看点吗?

你真坏!

你才坏!

你才坏！

你坏!

你坏！

你死定了，

我跟你没完

见到你真好

没有人!没人尊重我的募捐箱

这些烂人什么都往里扔！

这看来像个垃圾桶吗？

不像

像个烟灰缸吗？

不像

像尿壶吗？

呃

你还回去接着干吗？

当然!不过我再也不会收废品了

谁也别想再拿我当软柿子捏！

说得好，你本来就很强，街头女霸王

给他们点厉害瞧瞧！

不过我也不会完全像以前那么厉害啦

那时的我是不可能跟你们交朋友的

能请教一下吗？

我没有兄弟，所以我不懂

你们摔跤吗？

摔的

-经常摔，

我是常胜将军

你以前体重200磅

胖虽胖点，我动作敏捷

我昨天看到了丹尼的妹妹

就是我在地铁看到的女孩

讲笑？

他们就追逐，

嬉戏，

是正常的吧？

我们现在不打架了

自从我强过你，你就不打了

你很壮吗？

来单挑！

现在我就可以把你摔得

鼻青脸肿，老伙计。敢吗？

谁怕谁

准备好了？

开始!

好

非常谢谢，我明白了

走!去看20分钟球

乔伊不会去的

我还没写完5页

明天再写吧

明天他要再重写昨天的

昨天写的没达到我的最高水平

让他放松放松不好吗？

劳娱结合，他可以发挥得更好

他已经够放松了，都拜您所赐

还有火球的功劳

你认为玩火球可以放松？

你是没玩过吧

你约束乔伊，

无非是因为你闲极无聊

你失业又不是他的错

我没失业！我放假！

你们别吵了

我这样做是因为我是乔伊的朋友

如果你也想他好，你也会这样做

当朋友就得不叫人家好过？

假如是这个逻辑的话

你可真是最好的朋友了

火球游戏决胜负如何？

我会解除烟雾探测器

我们来个了断！

哈哈！谁也别想去玩！

票是我花钱买的!

不是，你总说是买的，

但你从没花过这钱

是的

我们终于爬到了山顶

而这个笨蛋，居然忘了带相机！

我也犯过这样的傻

什么时候？

记得吗，我们慢跑时

看到一只漂亮的鸟

我想拍照但我没带相机

我们追着鸟跑，那可不叫慢跑了

好吃，你尝尝

见鬼,掉在裤子上了

我来

上楼脱掉裤子，否则污渍洗不掉

-我本打算今晚穿的，

太好了

再见

天啊!

-难以置信！

看到了？我就说嘛

抱歉，瑞秋，

我不相信他们是兄妹

他们是兄妹吗？！

等等。张开手让我看看

角币、绷带

不要绷带

这是什么？加拿大币？

走远点！

饮品不许靠近募捐箱！

杯子放那里，再过来捐钱

把你的鬼脸也给我收起来

嗨，波波

我警告过你走远点了

菲比，我们一直收到投诉

我们要把你调到

不那么热门的地段

小姜站这里

-他凭什么占我的位置！

你是自己走还是我们把你搬开？

走就走

给你提个醒儿

留心那老贱人

瑞秋,我们不是约了七点？

算了

什么？为什么？

你和你妹妹看来关系很特别

又说我们关系特别

为什么女人总在意

我跟我妹妹的关系？

我也不懂

你有兄弟吗？

没有，我有两个妹妹。

有一个挺男性化

你们亲密吗？

不，她们不太好相处

我喜欢你，我们会有将来的

别让我同家人的亲密成了我们的障碍

是吗，我总觉得别扭

丹尼，快，洗澡水好凉了！

怎么了？

再见

街上有小孩在玩

你怎么不去叫他们做正事

叫他们玩不高兴呢？

如果他们在玩球，你可以去教他们

把剃刀刺进球里，再玩缝球游戏。

嘿，各位!

我一早上在图书馆写完了5页

现在我们能看球了！

已经是昨天的事了!

不了，罗斯把票撕了

我想你集中精力

专注时写起来快得多,对吧？

没人整天在身边嗡嗡嗡也好得多！

重要的是，我已经写完了

我觉得写得非常好

我想听听看，你们读给我听好吗？

好

这是纽约一个典型的公寓

两个人住在里面

嘿，伙计

什么事？

昨天是我错了，很抱歉

不，是我错，我反应过激

我们都有不对的地方，

但我们都是在关心好朋友

我们都是在关心好朋友

我错得真不应该

我才应该道歉

好乔伊，我知错了

对不起

我也很抱歉

继续读，好戏还在后头

抱歉，钱德

抱歉，罗斯

一个帅哥走进来

我不知道你们在聊什么

但我要感谢你们俩

你，你总给我打气，不让我放弃

还有你

你我共同创造了火球

完

这花了你一整天？

不，这只用了五分钟

其余时间都花来造新的终极火球

这是典型的纽约公寓

两个女骇在一起

嗨,你好吗,Kelly

我很好

Tiffany, 你好香

新买的香水

你干吗不靠近点闻个仔细呢？

乔伊,你真变态

恶心

我不读了

等等．．．那帅哥就要进来了

511 The One With All The Resolutions

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.]

Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing?

Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey!

Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you.

Joey: What's the matter?!

Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know…

Joey: All right, I'll take care of it.

Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey!

(They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.)

Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71!

Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?

Ross: What?

Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister.

Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister.

Joey: Chandler.

Ross: Awww, man! Really?

Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?

Ross: That's a good point.

Joey: Yeah.

Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.

Joey: Okay, great!

Ross: All right.

Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!

Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask?

Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.

Rachel: What?!

Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history.

Rachel: So?

Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler?

Rachel: Oh, good point.

Joey: Yeah!

All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

(And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year!

Monica: Happy New Year.

Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs!

Phoebe: You too!

Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey!

Joey: So did that do anything for ya?

(Rachel slowly walks away.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.]

Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!

Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy.

Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or?

Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane.

Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.

Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week.

Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now!

Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: Really?! How come?

Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true.

Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher.

Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught?

Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me.

Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs!

Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.

Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less.

Rachel: I don't gossip!

(They all laugh.)

Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?

Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would.

Rachel: What? They were like this!

(She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.]

Woman: I'll see you tomorrow.

Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey!

Chandler and Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just asked that girl out.

Chandler: Nice!

Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today?

Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.)

Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle?

Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle.

Chandler: Horn-swoggle.

Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name?

Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.)

Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hi, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle.

Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you.

Ross: All right, see you later.

Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson.

Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.)

Joey: Umm, okay.

Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.)

Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.]

Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all.

Rachel: I didn’t! Even when I found out…umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.)

Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.)

Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.)

Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and…

Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?!

Joey: No.

Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar?

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Then don't touch one!!

Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi!

Ben: Hi!

Monica: Hi Ben!

Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.)

Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants!

Rachel: I think they're very nice.

Monica: I like 'em.

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)

Monica: I like them a lot.

Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area.

(They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.)

Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before."

(No one says anything.)

Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.)

Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think?

Joey: You look like a freak.

Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.)

(Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.)

Ross: What are you, what are you doing?

Monica: It's my New Year's resolution!

Ross: What, to blind my child?

Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures.

Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.)

[Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.]

Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?

Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No.

Ross: Okay, it must just be me then.

(He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?")

Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Elizabeth: No, go ahead.

Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.)

[Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.]

Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….

Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up!

Ross: 'Kay!

(He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.)

Ross: Oh my God!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.]

Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night?

Joey: Yes! Yes, I did.

Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!

Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp.

Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God!

Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar!

Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!

Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.)

Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.)

Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid.

Joey: Your other student, was you!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder!

Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.)

Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!!

Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town."

Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.)

(Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.)

Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours.

Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.)

Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…

Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.]

Joey: (answering phone) Hello?

Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help!

Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here.

Ross: Well, you can help me!

Joey: Okay.

Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom…

Joey: Nice!

Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't!

Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder?

Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.)

Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up.

Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man.

Joey: Umm, do you see any—oh, Vaseline?

Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work?

Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there.

Ross: Hold on.

(Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.)

Joey: Ross? You okay?

Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste!

Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it?

Ross: What difference does that make?!

Joey: Well, I'm just—if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute?

Ross: Dude, what am I gonna…

Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem!

Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place.

Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something!

Joey: What-what is it, what is it?

Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone.

Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know!

Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable!

Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone!

Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they?

Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!!

Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone… (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.)

Joey: I'm not listening to you!

(Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.)

[Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.]

Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out.

Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off.

Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on.

(Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.)

Elizabeth: Oh my God!

Ross: I had a problem.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.]

Joey: Hey, Pheebs?

Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages!

Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.)

Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right…

Phoebe: No!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.]

Chandler: Oh my God!

Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry.

Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!

All: No. No, you're not a loser.

Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.)

Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy!

Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants.

Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something.

(All at once.)

Phoebe: Yeah!

Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool.

Joey: Howdy partner!

Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.)

Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry.

Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.

Rachel: Good luck, honey!

Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.)

Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey?

Joey: Umm?

Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about?

Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.)

Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right?

Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah!

Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me?

Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now?

Rachel: Yeah!

Joey: Do you know something?

Rachel: Do you know something?

Joey: I might know something.

Rachel: I might know something too.

Joey: What's the thing you know?

Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.

Joey: I can't tell you what I know.

Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know.

Joey: Okay, fine.

(Silence ensues.)

Joey: You don't know!

Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.)

Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!!

Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!!

Joey: Yeah, I know!!!!

Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known?

Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen… (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.)

Joey and Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So…

(Pause.)

Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain.

Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too.

(They both exit.)

Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.]

Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)

End

511 新年新气象

有庆祝活动吗？人们如何迎接新年？

过年啦！1999年，乔伊年

真替你高兴

怎么了？

新年钟声敲响时我和莫妮想接吻。

但你们会觉得异样的

我来搞定

别！乔伊！

73! 72! 71!

你呆会要亲谁？瑞秋还是菲比？

什么?

亲吻中迎接新年,但你不能亲自己妹妹

那谁亲我妹妹？

钱德

真的？

你选一个吧，

让我或者钱德亲莫妮呢？

问得好

就是说嘛

因为我跟瑞秋谈过恋爱,我选菲比吧

好

菲比!罗斯过新年时要亲你

可以啊，他干嘛不直接问我

瑞秋,我过年就亲你

什么?

亲吻迎新年嘛，你不能吻罗斯，

你们有前科

那又怎样？

你选我还是钱德来亲你呢？

问得好

就是说嘛

3! 2! 1!

新年快乐

新年快乐，乔伊

喜欢吗？

听着

我99年的新年愿望是：不再离婚!

你离婚还没办完呢

99年只离一次婚！

我今年会很快乐

我要让自己快乐

要我们回避吗？

每天我都要有新尝试

这就是我的新年决心

好主意

我呢、就想开飞机

也是好主意，

如果有人新年想找死，

他们可以去搭你的飞机

也许你的决心该是：

不再拿朋友寻开心

尤其是本打算开飞机

免费载你去欧洲的朋友

她可能会开飞机，

你却不太可能不拿我们开心

我赌50元，你坚持不了一年

一个星期都难说

赌就赌

输给我50元

就是你那天的新尝试

马上就开始算！

我的新年决心是学弹吉他

真的？为什么？

我简历上写了很多技能

如果不全是吹牛

那一定很棒

要我教你吗，我是好老师哦，

你都教过谁？

我教过自己,我喜欢学生

好! 谢谢你，菲比

布莱尔忘了带眼镜

那她怎么看住她的男朋友

听说那个家伙用下半身思考，很难管教

你们知道我的意思？

也许你新年该少讲闲话

我从不说闲话

有时候我得到消息

加以传播

免得你们不知道

那不代表我爱说闲话，那么多

电视名嘴，能说他们爱说闲话吗？

假如他们也搬弄同事的是非，

那就是

他们老是像这样!

明天见

好

我刚约了她

很好!

那是你今天的”新尝试”吗？

算是吧。看！

伊丽莎白

荷斯瓦根

对，

伊丽莎白 荷斯瓦根

荷 斯瓦根

钱德

这名字很好笑？

不，我好象在哪儿听过

真的？在哪儿？

肯定好笑

知道吗？

我约了伊丽莎白 荷斯瓦根

荷斯瓦根？

噢，你一定忍俊不禁

再见

好，菲比我准备好上课了

不，你别碰吉他

先打基础,然后摸琴

好

第一课，和弦

我不知道和弦指法名

但我根据弹琴时的手形

自创了一些名字

这是”熊掌”

这是”火鸡腿”

还有”老太太”

趣味吉他教学法!

有人会发笑，但我不会。

嘿，各位!

瑞秋今天很乖

她一点闲话也没讲

我忍住了！虽然我有大发现

我发现了某人的某事

但是呢

我就是不说

菲比，快看

你掌握了“老太太”指法!

我觉得自己有进步，今天回家

的时候就到吉他店去了一趟

你碰了那里的吉他？

对吗？

没有

把手给我看

按了弦，

用了吉他拨片

你还想不想学了？

想！

想就别乱来！

嗨

嗨,班

莫妮阿姨！

罗斯穿皮裤!

你们没注意到吗？

评论点什么吧！

好看

我喜欢

我可不是想说这个

罗斯这样的人怎么会穿这种裤子

紧身裤哦

对紧身裤发表点评论吧

看来不错

哪里买的？

我不是每日新尝试吗？

皮衣店味道很好

我想道，”我还从没有

过那么好闻的裤子呢”

（提示钱德拿自己开玩笑）

受不了了！

说真的，你们怎么看？

你看来畸形

难看死了

你干什么？

是我新年许的愿

把我的儿子闪瞎么？

是多拍合照

这个愿望太棒了，大家都会喜欢

你们也会喜欢我的音乐

天啊！裤子要着火了

天啊，还靠过来

想热死我吗？

简直是火山口!

你热吗？

不热

那只有我热了

是裤子和沙发摩擦的声音

我去一下洗手间可以吗？

去吧

谢谢

到我最爱看的一段了!

来了

天啊!

“虎掌”

“龙拳”

”冰山”

约瑟夫，昨晚你做功课了吗？

做了！

那做个“冰山手”

（那就是“升G”咯）

升G?

你偷学了和弦真正的名字了？

有吗？

天啊!

什么？我没碰过吉他!

但你质疑我的教学方法!

我才不质疑呢，

这种方法很白痴！

干什么？

谢谢

我其他的学生

可不这么想

你就只教过你一个学生!

算了，你再加把劲吧

可能我需要请个好老师!

看!“Andy Cooper,教弹吉他”

还有他教小孩的照片，

这孩子抱着把吉他!

好！

你去找够资格的老师吧

以后别找我抱怨

说大家都听腻了你的练习曲！

(哼着练习曲的调调)

好!你也向着他！

我等不及要抱你

罗斯一接走班，

我马上溜到你那边来

我就跟瑞秋讲我要去洗几小时衣服

“洗衣服？” 我的新绰号吗？

你知道你的新绰号的，大先生

喂

乔伊，我是罗斯，帮我！

钱德不在

你帮我

我在伊丽莎白的浴室里

棒啊!

不！皮裤很热，我就脱下来放松

但它遇汗水后缩水了

要么就是腿受热膨胀了

现在穿不上了，乔伊，穿不上了!

糟糕

看到粉什么的吗？

粉!找到一瓶！

好

在腿上撒点粉，能吸收水分

你就能穿上裤子了

对，等等

还是不行

凡士林，那里有吗？

我看到有乳液。有用吗？

有用，你试试

等等

罗斯，你没事吧？

还是不行，伙计

乳液和香粉混成糨糊了

真的？

啥颜色？

你管那么多？

如果糨糊颜色跟裤子相配，

你就涂满糨糊当裤子——

她看不出!

有空吗？

怎么办？

瑞秋来了，祝你好运。

告诉我结果。

乔伊，我有个问题

你问得正好

我正到处救火呢

我要告诉你一件事

什么事？

告诉你一个大秘密!

但你要保证不要告诉别人

我没兴趣

你想知道的！不可思议!

不！我受够了保守秘密

谁也不能讲

你知道秘密？什么秘密？

你不该说闲话的!

是啊，但我没忍住，

所以拿起电话——

我不要听!

罗斯，为什么那么久

你别吓我

我就出来

把灯关掉可以吗？

灯要开着

天啊!

我遇到麻烦

菲比

我没资格跟你说话。

我连黄页广告都登不起

对不起，我批评你的教学方法

你能再当我的老师吗？

在得到你允许以前，

我不碰吉他，好吗

你真的认为我可以了吗？

太好了!

至少和弦指法没错吧？

错了！

我的天!

我们听说了你的裤子的事

真惨

今年我本该得到幸福

但新年第2天

这愚蠢的、不合身的皮裤

就害我出丑、当傻瓜！

你不傻

看看我!

嘿，看!

班画了一张爸爸

把你画成牛仔!

因为我穿皮裤

他觉得你是牛仔,而不是傻瓜。总算值得

就是就是

你好，牛仔

也许我该再买一条

你知道

那种旁边带须边的

我要去跟儿子说晚安

真不相信他认为我是个牛仔!

我可以是个不错的牛仔

衣物收好了，我要洗衣服去了

我也去，衬衣脏了吧？

我也走了，去机场

我就在那里守着

总会发现空飞机的

祝好运,亲爱的

再见

记得我要告诉你的大秘密吗

不！

我不逼你听，但如果你自己发现了

那我们可以交流交流

那就不算秘密了，好

你到钱德的睡房

把他借我的书拿回来行吗？

现在？你要我现在过去？

对

你知道些什么吗？

我也许知道

我也是

你要知道什么，你先告诉我

你知道什么？

你先说我才说

那好

你诈我！你什么都不知道

我现在就过去钱德的房间

就能证实了！

你知道了!

你也知道

对，我知道!

钱德和莫妮？喔，真难以置信

你知道多久了？

太久了!

我一直想跟人说!

别告诉其他人，他们会大惊小怪的

下雨了

我可不想雨中驾驶

我要去雨中漫步

我也去

真怪

他们肯定有一腿

我受不了了！

你赢了，钱拿去

开飞机？你去开宇宙飞船吧！

那就可以飞回你的星球!

罗斯，有电话找你，

Tom Jones想要回他的裤子!

荷斯瓦根？你跟木偶约会吗？

512 The One With Chandler's Work Laugh

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to pry more information about Chandler and Monica from Joey who's sitting on the couch and busy downing a pizza.]

Rachel: Come on Joey!!!

Joey: Rach, I told you everything I knew last night! Look, it's not that big of a deal, so Monica and Chandler are doing it.

Rachel: I can't believe you would say that!

Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are making love.

Rachel: No! I mean come on! This is a huge deal! (She sits next to him on the couch.) Fine I want—I need more details, who-who initiated the first kiss?

Joey: (thinks) I don't know.

Rachel: Is he romantic with her?

Joey: I don't know.

Rachel: Are they in love?

Joey: (thinks) I don't know.

Rachel: You don't know anything.

Joey: Ohh, I know one thing!

Rachel: What?

Joey: They did it right there on the couch.

(He points to where she's sitting and she jumps up quickly.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Ross enters.]

Joey: Hey Ross!

Phoebe: Hey!

Ross: (disinterested) Hey-yeah. (He hurries up to the counter.) Hey Gunther, can I have a scone please? (To the gang.) Wanna hear some good news? Someone I know is getting married! Yeah! And weddings are happy occasions! Oh, by-the-by it's my ex-wife Emily!

All: What? Oh!

Chandler: Sorry man.

Gunther: Here's your scone.

Ross: Oh, thanks Gunther. (He takes it, hands the plate it's on to Rachel, sets it down on the table, and proceeds to pound it into oblivion while saying.) STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!!

Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?

Phoebe: Hey, you know what might help you deal with it? Think of it this way, you and Emily are in the past and you can't be mad about the past. So are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?

Rachel: Pheebs, I don’t think anyone's mad about that.

Phoebe: Exactly! Because it's in the past!

Joey: (eyeing the flattened scone) Anybody gonna eat that?

[Scene: Chandler's office, Monica and him are at a party his office is throwing.]

Monica: Look at us all dressed up for the big office party! By the way, what are we celebrating?

Chandler: Oh, we had a lot of liquor left over from the Christmas party.

Monica: I think this is so cool because none of our friends are here and we can be a real couple. We don't have to hide.

Chandler: I know, I can do this. (He takes her hand.)

Monica: Ooh, and I can do this. (She kisses him on the cheek.)

(They both stand real close together.)

Both: We can't do that. (They separate.)

(Chandler's boss (Doug) walks up.)

Doug: Hey Bing! (Slaps him on his ass.) (Sees Monica) Wo-ho-ho, who's the pretty lady and what the hell is she doing with you?

Chandler: I asked myself that very question, sir. Uh, (Points to Monica) this is Monica. (Points to his boss.) This is my boss, Doug. Doug this is Monica.

Monica: Hi, nice to meet you!

Doug: Hi! And this is my wife Kara.

Kara: Nice to meet you Monica. Bing! (Slaps Chandler on his butt.)

Doug: Say uh, Bing, did you hear about the new law firm we got working for us?

Chandler: No, sir.

Doug: Yeah, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe.

(Chandler does a fake laugh.)

Doug: Come on honey, let's go drink our body weight. (They walk off leaving Chandler and Monica alone.)

Monica: What was that?

Chandler: What?

Monica: That noise you just made?

Chandler: Oh, that was my work laugh.

Monica: Really? Your work laugh?

Chandler: Oh, believe me, to survive this party, you're gonna have to come up with one too.

Monica: All right, check me out.

Chandler: Okay.

(She walks up to where Doug is finishing another joke to another group.)

Doug: …says $30 Father; same as in town.

(Monica does a fake laugh. For the laughs, you'll have to see the episode. I can't describe them.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is buying a muffin as Chandler runs in.]

Chandler: Hey! Everybody at work loved you last night!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.

Monica: Hey, I thought you already had one.

Chandler: Oh I used too, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at…bigger rocks. (He starts to leave and stops an entering Rachel.) Hey Rach, do you have a tennis racquet?

Rachel: Oh umm, y'know I lent it to Joey and I never actually got it back.

Chandler: Okay, good luck with that. (Exits.)

Rachel: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: What's up?!

Monica: What are you doing here? I thought you had to do inventory all day.

Rachel: Well yeah, I do, but I decided to take a long lunch and spend some time with my friend Monica. Y'know I-I feel that we don't talk anymore. How are you? What is new with you?

Monica: Uhh, not much. Uh, work's good.

Rachel: Oh y'know what, we don’t have to talk about work. We can talk about anything!

Monica: Okay. Umm…

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? Let's talk about relationships!

Monica: Okay, what's going on with you?

Rachel: Nothing! You go!

Monica: Well, I-I—there was this guy at the bank that I thought was cute umm, but I don't anymore.

Rachel: Wow that's uh, juicy. Umm, (checks watch) y'know what though Mon, I actually do have a lot of work to do so if-if—are you sure there's just not anything else?

Monica: Yes, I'm sure! Rachel is there something that you want to talk me about?

Rachel: No! (Gets up to leave.) (Under her breath.) If there was I wouldn't tell you.

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe is settling a dispute between the chick and the duck.]

(The duck quacks.)

Phoebe: Okay, then what happened?

(The duck flaps its wings frantically.)

Phoebe: (gasps) Ohh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (The chick clucks.) You'll get your turn!

Ross: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Pheebs, what's going on?

Phoebe: Nothing! (Picks up and sets the chick down on the floor.) (To the chick.) This is not over!

Ross: No! No! No!

Phoebe: What?!

Ross: I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily! It was perfect and now it's all covered in-in… (The duck quacks.) Actually, thanks!

Joey: (entering from his room) All right! Everybody ready to go to the movies?

Ross: Uh actually, I think I'm gonna skip it.

Joey: Really?

Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and read my book. I just wanna be alone right now.

Joey: Oh. Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff.

Ross: That's okay, Joe.

Joey: All right, let's go Pheebs.

Ross: (licks the envelope and encounters a foreign substance on the glue.) Oh God!

[Scene: A tennis court somewhere in the city of New York, it's the doubles match-up of a century Chandler and Monica versus Doug and Kara.]

Doug: Bing!

(Hits the ball towards Chandler who returns it back to him. He then hits the ball at Monica who slams it and it bounces off Kara's leg.)

Kara: Oww!!

Monica: Game!

Doug: Well, I gotta tell ya Bing; that partner of yours is a real tiger. (To his wife.) Are you all right sweethart?

Kara: (out of breath and mouths) I'm not all right.

Doug: We're, we're just gonna get a little sip of water.

(They both walk off the court.)

Monica: Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!

Chandler: Okay, easy Martina. I think we should let them win the next game.

Monica: I'm sorry, I don't understand what you just said.

Chandler: Let them win one.

Monica: Are you crazy?! We own those two! I mean look at 'um, he can't breath and she's popping pills.

Chandler: You're not even giving them a chance!

Monica: They have racquets don't they?!

Doug: Uh Bing, I think we're gonna make this the last game.

Chandler: Oh yes, sir! Put me out of my misery. Are you sure you never played pro? (Does his work laugh.) (To Monica) Please let them win!

Monica: I'll take it down to 95% but that's the best I can do.

(She serves to Doug who returns it to Chandler. As it bounces over his head Chandler swings and misses.)

Chandler: Oopsey, missed it!

Monica: I got it! (She hits a forehand smash that bounces right in between Doug and Kara and scores a point.)

Doug: Nice shot.

(Chandler glares at her and she shrugs her shoulders. Monica serves again; and Kara returns it.)

Monica: I got it!!

(Chandler cuts in front of her and hits the ball high and long.)

Chandler: Long! (Gives Monica the Work Laugh.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]

Monica: I can't believe you let them win!

Chandler: Yeah, at least you hid your feelings well about it. (Removes a smashed racquet from his bag.)

Monica: I was frustrated.

Chandler: It was my racquet.

Monica: I was frustrated with you!

Chandler: If we hadn't lost the game they never would've invented us to dinner tomorrow night.

Monica: Y'know what really bothers me? Is—it's how-how different you act around them! I mean y'know the throwing the tennis games, the fake laugh, the "I'll see you around, Bing!" "Not if I see you first, Doug!" (Mocks the fake laugh.) I gotta tell you, I don't like Work Chandler. Okay? The guy's a suck-up.

Chandler: Okay y'know what, because you said that, I'm not putting out tonight.

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, the next morning the girls are there with Joey.]

Monica: I'm telling you, something's wrong! My brother does not stay out all night.

Joey: Maybe we should check the trash chute.

Rachel: Ross couldn't fit down the trash chute.

Joey: That's right, he almost could. Which is exactly how I got stuck there.

(Ross enters.)

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: There he is!

Monica: Oh my God! (She goes to hug him, stops short, and hits him on the shoulder.) Where the hell have you been?!!

Ross: Just, y'know out.

Rachel: Ohh, out, oh God, I don't know why we didn't think to check there!

Phoebe: What were you doing?

Ross: I uh, went to a bar. And then I just uh, just walked around for a while.

Rachel: You walked around all night in the city by yourself?

Joey: (snaps his fingers) He hooked up! He hooked up with someone.

Ross: Look, I don't have to answer your questions! Okay? I'm a big boy, I can do whatever I want!

Joey: He hooked up!! Tell us about her!

[Suddenly the door opens and Ross's mystery girl enters. I'll give you a hint to who it is: OH….MY….GAWD!! Uh-huh, it's Janice.]

Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in…(sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.)

(They all turn and with shocked looks on their faces stare at Ross. Ross is at a loss for words at this moment.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, continued from earlier.]

Janice: Uh-oh-okay. Uh-oh-okay. I know what you all are thinking. But Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman! I have needs! I can't wait forever!

Rachel: Yeah! No that's what I was thinking.

Janice: So I'm asking you please, take a moment before you judge me.

Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging you. (They all turn and look at Ross.)

Janice: Oh! Okay! (To Ross) You, Mister Right Place at the Right Time, call me! (Does her famous, or is that infamous, laugh and exits.)

(They all turn and glare at Ross.)

Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are going to say…

Phoebe: You two will have very hairy children.

Ross: Okay, I didn't know you would say that.

Rachel: Ross! Janice?!

Joey: All right, hold on! Hold on. Hold on. This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.

Ross: Look, I didn't lose my mind! Okay, Janice and I have a lot in common! We've-we've both been divorced. We-we both have kids.

Phoebe: So are you actually gonna see her again?

Joey: Phoebe! Don't put ideas in his head!

Ross: I am gonna see her again.

Joey: Damnit Phoebe!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is going through her purse as Rachel rushes in.]

Rachel: (entering) Okay, I have to tell you something that I have never admitted during our entire friendship! But, when we were in high school I made out with James Farrell even when I knew that you liked him! Wow, that feels so good to get off my chest! Okay, you go!

Monica: My turn? What-what are you talking about?

Rachel: Ugh, Monica, I know about you and Chandler.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: I overheard you guys on the phone the other day, and you said, "I'll just tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple of hours." And he said, "Laundry? Is that my new nickname?" And you said, "No! You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big."

Monica: Well. Sounds like you're writing yourself a little play there Rach. Wow! Let me know how that one turns out.

Rachel: Well, I wouldn't know because I got so freaked out that I hung up the phone.

Monica: Well, if you had kept listening, you-you would have heard me call him Mr. Big…(Thinks)…ot.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Mr. Bigot. He tells the most racist jokes.

Rachel: All right. So you're telling me that there is nothing going on between you and Chandler.

Monica: Me and Chandler?! (Does her fake laugh.)

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Phoebe and Joey are there.]

Joey: All right, put your 20 bucks down. First one to find the tasty treat wins. Okay?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Joey: All right. Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths. (He removes the waste bucket that's over the duck and the laundry basket that's over the chicken.) And they're off! (He puts his foot in front of the chick, stopping it from moving.)

Phoebe: Get your foot off my contestant! Judge!

Joey: Judge rules, no violation.

Phoebe: Ohhh.

Ross: (entering) Hey guys!

Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Yeah!

(Neither of them turns around from watching the chick and the duck look for the tasty treat.)

Ross: Y'know what? It sounds so weird to say this but, I just had a great day with Janice!

(They both turn around.)

Joey: What?!

Phoebe: Are you serious?!

Ross: Yeah! I opened up to her about all the terrible stuff that's been happening to me. I mean I talked for hours. (Joey has lost interest and is watching the race again.) It is amazing to have someone give you such-such focused attention.

Phoebe: You don't need Janice for that, you've got us. We…

Joey: And the duck gets the Nutter-Butter!

Phoebe: (turning from Ross.) No!! Hey-hey that's not a Nutter-Butter, that's just an old Wonton!

Joey: Judge rules, Nutter-Butter.

Phoebe: Ohh, tough call.

Joey: Yeah.

[Scene: Doug's house, Chandler, Monica, and them are just finishing dinner.]

Doug: But seriously, I believe that we should all support President Clinton. And her husband Bill. (Chandler does the laugh.)

Kara: So how do you kids like your coffee?

Monica: Oh, none for me. Thanks.

Chandler: Just a little bit of sugar.

Doug: Well, maybe I'll bring it out and have Monica stick her finger in it. That oughta sweeten it up, huh? (Once again, with the laugh.)

(Doug and Kara go get the coffee.)

Monica: (To Chandler) How does that laugh not give you a headache?

Chandler: Oh, you get used to it.

Monica: Y'know, I-I-I don't think that I can. So if you don't mind, maybe this will be it for me on the work things.

Chandler: So I laugh at my boss's jokes, what's the big deal?

Monica: I'd rather hang out with a sniveling work weasel guy when I can be hanging out with my boyfriend who I actually respect.

Chandler: Oh. (Does a double take when he realizes what she just said.)

Doug: (entering) Uh, I gotta apologize for Kara's coffee. Y'know, I feel sorry for it if it ever got in a fight, it's not strong enough to defend itself. (Chandler does not laugh.) Did you hear what I said Bing?

Chandler: What?

Doug: The joke Bing. What's the matter with you?

Chandler: Well, I-I just didn't think it was funny sir.

Doug: Excuse me?

Chandler: Well, I just…

Monica: (interrupting) Honey, I just don't think that you understood the joke.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah! I mean it was really funny, I-I just don't think you got it. You see Kara's coffee is-is-is weak tasting, okay? But-but what Doug was-was imply that it was weak physically. You get it now honey?

Chandler: I think I do! (They all laugh.) Thank you, Monica.

Monica: I thought you could use the help.

Chandler: Coffee in a fight! (Does the laugh again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is going through the mail as Joey enters.]

Joey: (entering) Hey Rach! Hey, you mind if I read my comic books in here?

Rachel: Sure! Why?

Joey: Oh well, Chandler and Monica are over there and it's kinda hard to concentrate.

Rachel: What?! She just called and said that she was gonna be working late! She keeps lying to me! That's it! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go over there and confront them right now!

[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's apartment, Rachel enters and sneaks up to Chandler's bedroom where she overhears Chandler and Monica talking.]

Chandler: (from his bedroom) All right, so you're telling me that I have to tell racist jokes now?!

Monica: Sorry! I'm just—I'm not very good at this! I'm a terrible liar and I hate having to lie to Rachel!

Chandler: But we're not ready to tell yet!

Monica: I know! It's just that…ever since high school Rachel was the one person I told everything too. Y'know? I miss that so much now. She's my best friend.

(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)

Monica: (entering) Joey?! Oh my God, Rachel!

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Monica: Wh-wh-what are you doing here? (She tries to pull her shirt down to cover the fact that she's wearing men's boxers.]

Rachel: Well, I was actually—I-I came over here to-to borrow this lamp. To umm, look at my books, y'know, see them a little better.

Monica: Okay great!

Rachel: Yeah!

Monica: Great! Umm, well what-what I was doing in Chandler's room is that umm, I was cleaning it! In fact, he pays me to clean it!

Rachel: Oh! What a great way to earn some extra pocket money.

Monica: Y'know when I said to you earlier that I was at work umm, I'm at my new work.

Rachel: That's good enough. Right? (Pause.) Okay, well umm, I'm gonna go look at my books!

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: I'll get back to my new job.

(Pause.)

Rachel: 'Kay. (Pause.) Congratulations on your new job. (She goes and hugs Monica and is almost in tears.)

(After she exits, Chandler enters.)

Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.

(Monica motions that it went right over Rachel's head.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Janice are sitting on the couch.]

Gunther: Here you go. (Serves them both some coffee.)

Ross: Thanks!

Janice: Actually, I should get going.

Ross: Are you sure? Because I can stay out as late as you want. I told you how I'm on sabbatical from work, right?

Janice: Yes! Yes! You did!

Ross: Oh…

Janice: What is wrong now?!

Ross: This isn't what I ordered! Man! Can anything go right in my life?! First my marriage falls apart and then…

Janice: I know! I know! And then you lose your apartment! And then you lose your job! And then your ex-wife gets married so fast! And now the coffee—ahh!! Ross, we need to talk.

Ross: Okay. Sometimes I feel…

Janice: No-no-no, no. I'm going to talk. I believe that the sun has set on our day in the sun.

Ross: Huh?

Janice: (starting to cry) You're a very sweet person Ross, umm, unfortunately I don't think I can take another second of you whining!!

Ross: Let-let me make sure I'm hearing this right, you're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? (Janice makes an agreeing sound.) So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice.

Janice: Well yeah!!

Ross: OH…MY…GOD!!

Janice: Are you gonna be okay?

Ross: I am now.

Janice: Okay.

(Joey enters.)

Joey: Umm, hi.

Janice: Oh hi! Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey. (Laughs and exits.)

(Joey looks at Ross with a horrified look on his face.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is reading a magazine as Ross hands him a beer.]

Ross: Dude, we got to talk.

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: I just wanted to tell you something before you heard it from someone else and I hope this isn't too weird, but uh, I had uh, a thing with Janice. (He laughs, his real laugh this time.) What you're-you're not mad?

Chandler: Why would I be mad?

Ross: Well, because y'know there are certain rules about this kind of stuff. You don't uh, you don't fool around with your uh, friend's ex-girlfriends or possible girlfriends or girls they're related to.

Chandler: (realizes what Ross just said and the implications to him) I am mad! But you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna forgive you! Because that's what friends do! They forgive their friends when they do everything you just said, all on the list there. Well, but I want you to remember that I forgave you.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: I also want you to remember that I let you live here rent free!

Ross: All right.

Chandler: And, I want you to remember that I gave you twenty (counts his money) seven dollars. No strings attached. Now, if you can't remember that, I think we should write it down—let's write it down!

End

512 钱德例行公事的假笑

别瞒我了，乔伊

昨晚我已经全对你招了

没什么大不了，他们不过是在办事

不敢相信你会那样说!

好吧，莫妮卡和钱德是在做爱

不，我是说，这是件大事!

我要知道详情

谁先主动献吻的？

不知道

他对她很浪漫吗？

不晓得

他们相爱吗？

不清楚

你一无所知！

只知道一件事

什么?

他们就在这张沙发上做的

阿甘，给我一块烤饼

要听好消息吗？

有人要结婚了

婚礼多快乐！

是我前妻，爱米丽

什么？

别难过，伙计

你的烤饼

谢谢

愚蠢的英国糕点！

你从制怒课上学来这招的吗？

我教你怎么办

你该这样想，

你和爱米莉的事是历史了

生历史的气、无济于事

购买路易斯安那州的事你还生气吗？

谁会为那种事生气

对嘛，已经是历史了

有人要吃吗？

-工作派对，我们都盛装打扮好了！

对了,是哪门子庆祝啊？

圣诞派对后剩下很多酒水

帅！熟朋友都不会来，

我们不必躲躲藏藏了

正大光明,我可以这样

我也可以这样

那样不行

宾宾！

请教这位美女芳名？

她怎么会跟你一起的？

我自己也搞不懂

这是莫妮卡

我的老板，道格

道格，这位是莫妮卡

我太太,卡拉

很高兴见到你们

宾宾,我们刚和一家律师事务所合作,听说了吗？

没有

名叫：杜威、祁提和豪伟

(音同：我们犯法吗？怎么犯的？)

走，我们去喝个痛快

你干什么？

恩？

发出那种噪音？

噢，我的应酬笑法

应酬笑法？

信我，这种派对上要想受欢迎，

非得来这一手不可！

-好。看我的！

好

那就30元吧，神父，

等同市价

昨晚上公司的人都对你赞不绝口

当真？

你的表现为我加了印象分

我和乔伊一起亮相时丢的分

都追回来了

道格还邀我们打羽毛球

除了公事，他以前话都不跟我说

只有那次在脱衣舞夜总会

碰面时，说过一两句

是在……露天教堂……碰见

我去找只球拍

你不是有吗？

曾经有过，但乔伊认为拿它去

中央公园敲石头会更有趣

敲大石头

你有网球拍吗？

借给乔伊了，就再没见过

那祝你好运

怎么样？

你在这干嘛？

我以为你今天要盘存呢

本来是的，但我决定要慢慢吃顿午餐

跟我的朋友莫妮卡一起叙叙旧

我们现在很少谈心了

你好吗?

有什么新动向?

没什么新鲜事，工作还算顺利

不谈工作，说点别的

不如这样

谈谈男女关系

你交了新男友？

没

该你说了

银行里有个家伙挺可爱

但我现在改变了看法

有趣

我确实公事缠身

你确定不想讲点别的？

我确定。有要跟我谈的事吗

确定。

你想我谈什么吗？

没有

就算有, 也不会跟你谈

后来呢？

呃

轮到你了

嘿,菲比。在干嘛？

没什么

还没完！

不！

什么?

我一宿没睡，给爱米丽写了封

缠绵悱恻的信

相当完美，现在却沾满

很感谢

准备好去看电影了吗？

我不想去

真的？

我想留下看书，

现在只想独处

真不想去？

汤姆?汉克斯，梅格?瑞安，

他们俩收发电子邮件什么的

不看了，乔

我们走，菲比

这局我们胜！

天啊，宾宾

你的搭档真是个母老虎

你没事吧？

我们喝点水

我今天很在状态吧？

他们俩就像待宰的羔羊

够了，辛吉斯

下一局我们该让他们赢

抱歉，我不懂你说什么

让他们赢一次吧

你疯了？我们赢两局了

看他们那熊样儿!

他气都喘不匀，

而她得吃药了

你一点机会都不给他们！

他们不是有球拍吗！

我们再打最后一局吧

yes, sir! 那我算是得救了

您真没参加过职业比赛？

请让他们赢

那我就使九成五的劲

最大的让步了

呀，没击中

我接到了！

好球

我来!

出界了

你竟然放水

你还算乖，没有当场发火

我感到很灰心

那是我的球拍

因为你、我们才输了

如果我们不输球，他们决不会

邀我们明天共进晚餐

知道我最气什么吗？

你工作应酬时和平常判若两人！

你打球放水，还假笑

再见，宾宾

再见，道格

我不喜欢“工作时的钱德”

马屁精

你这样说

我今晚不出去了

不对劲！我哥不会整晚在外的

也许我们该找找垃圾道

罗斯（那么壮，）垃圾道顺不下他

对，差一点

上次我就卡在那里了

他回来了

噢，我的天!

你到底上哪去了？

出去了

噢，“出去”! 天，

为什么我们没找过那里呢

你干了些什么？

我去了酒吧，然后

到处转了转

你独自一人在街上转悠了一晚上？

他有艳遇

搭上什么妞了！

我没必要啥都向你们报告，

我是大人了

我爱干嘛就干嘛

他有艳遇

跟我们说说她的事!

罗斯，你忘了围巾

大家好

我知道你们怎么想

但钱德远在也门

我是个年轻女性，我有需要

我不能为他守活寡

是啊

求你们别急着怪我

没人怪你

好，理想情人

下次再找我

我知道你们想说什么

你们俩会生出多毛的孩子

没料到你会说这个

罗斯! 珍尼丝？！

够了，打住

罗斯

他是我们的朋友

他显然疯了

失去了理智

我很清醒

珍尼丝和我有共同语言

我们都离婚了

都有孩子

你还会再约她吗？

-别给他灌输什么！

我会再约她

都怪你，菲比!

跟你说一个秘密

高中时明知你喜欢詹姆斯，

我却跟他约会过，

忏悔的感觉真好，该你说了

该我了？说什么？

你和钱德的事,我都知道了

什么?

有一天我听到你们讲电话

你说“我会告诉瑞秋

我要洗好几小时的衣服”

然后他说“‘洗衣服’？那是我的新绰号吗？”

然后你说

“你的绰号是大先生”

你在编剧本吗，瑞秋

那你说后来怎样了

不知道，我吓死了，赶紧把电话挂了，

假如你有听下去的话

你会听到我叫他

老——顽固

什么?

老顽固

他讲了很多种族主义的笑话

就是这样

你是说，你和钱德是清白的？

我和钱德？

你放上20元

谁先找到好吃的、谁赢,好吗？

好

选手出笼，各就各位

开跑

裁判，别用脚挡我方选手

裁判裁定，这不算犯规

-嘿！

听来有点怪，今天跟珍尼丝约会很愉快

当真？

我对她倾诉我的遭遇

我连说了好几小时

感觉太棒了

有个如此专注的听众

不用找珍尼丝当听众，你有我们

鸭子先找到果仁奶油饼干！

嘿，那才不是饼干，只是馊馄饨罢了！

裁判判定

是果仁奶油饼干

黑哨

没错

说真的，我坚信我们该支持克林顿总统

以及她的丈夫，比利

爱喝咖啡吗？

我们不大爱喝。谢谢。

得加点糖

端出来让莫妮卡的手指

浸一浸就够甜了对吧？

不觉那笑声刺耳？

慢慢你就习惯了

我不行，

我受够了

老板开玩笑、我就笑

有什么大不了的？

我宁愿跟一个让我敬重的人交往

而不是个马屁精

我同情内子的咖啡，

不够浓（strong，此处指强壮）

打起架来完全没能力自卫

宾宾，听到我讲话？

恩？

我开玩笑来着

你什么毛病？

我不觉得好笑

什么？

我只是

亲爱的

你只是没听懂

真的？

真的很有趣，只是你没明白

夫人做的咖啡较淡（weak），

但道格先生用了weak这个词的

另一个意思：身体比较弱。

明白了吗？

了解！

谢谢你，莫妮卡

能帮你就好

咖啡打架!

你介意我在这里看漫画吗？

看你的。跑过来干嘛？

钱德和莫妮卡在那边，

我很难集中精神看书

她刚来电说要加班

她老骗我

够了! 我要马上过去跟他们对质

你说我讲种族主义的笑话？

我不擅长此道

我不会撒谎，尤其讨厌对瑞秋说谎

-但我们还没准备好共诸于众，

我知道

从中学到现在，瑞秋和我之间

都没有秘密

我很想念那种感觉

她是我最好的朋友

乔伊？噢天哪，瑞秋!

你在这里做什么？

哎，我过来借灯

看书

为了看清楚点

很好

我在钱德的房间

打扫卫生

他花钱请我

这样赚零花钱呀，很棒

我说加班，就是这个

新工作

好工作。好了，

我要去看书了

我继续干活

恭喜你找到新工作!

她真好骗

你们的咖啡

我该走了

你确定？

我陪你多晚都行

我告诉过你、我被放长假

你讲过了！

噢

现在又出什么毛病了？

我点的不是这种

天! 我一生中就不能有一件对路的事吗？

先是婚姻失败，然后——

我知道!

你失去了房子、你失去了工作

前妻很快就再婚，现在咖啡又端错！

我们需要谈谈

有的时候我觉得……

不，我有话说

我认为

我们俩

没戏唱了

你是很可爱，罗斯

但很不幸

我再也受不了听你诉苦了！

我没听错吧？

我们要分手？因为

我太烦人了？

也就是说

我抱怨太多

而你

讨厌我？

珍尼丝

没错

天啊!

你会痊愈的？

已经痊愈了

那就好

搞定三分之二了

乔伊!

伙计，我们谈谈

我想在别人告密前

向你坦白

我和珍尼丝有了一夜情

你居然不生气？

我干吗要生气？

因为按老规矩

朋友妻不可戏

和朋友曾有、现有、将有关系

的女孩都不该碰

现在我生你的气了！

但你知道我会怎么做吗？

我要原谅你

因为我们是朋友

朋友互相谅解，哪怕触犯上述的规矩

谢谢你

但我希望你记得

我原谅了你

我也希望你记得

我让你免费在这里住

好

我还要你记住我

无偿给了你

二十七块钱

假如你记不住

我们立字为凭！

立字为凭！

513 The One With Joey's Bag

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, he is giving Monica a massage.]

Monica: I can't believe we've never done this before! It's sooo good! So good for Monica!

(Chandler picks up the timer being used and turns it to zero at which it chimes.)

Chandler: Oh! Look at that, time's up! My turn!

Monica: That was a half an hour?

Chandler: It's your timer.

(They change places.)

Monica: Y'know, I don't like to brag about it, but I give the best massages!

Chandler: All right, then massage me up right nice!

(She starts the massage, only she is doing extremely hard and Chandler is gasping in pain.)

Chandler: Ah! Ahh!! Ahh!!

Monica: It's so good, isn't it?

Chandler: It's so good I don't know what I've done to deserve it!

Monica: Say good-bye to sore muscles!

Chandler: Good-bye muscles!!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch.]

Chandler: I'm telling you, she gives the worst massages ever!! Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up I just—I didn't know what it was!

Joey: Chandler, if it really hurts that bad you should just tell her.

Chandler: Look, for the first time in my life I'm in a real relationship. Okay, I'm not gonna screw that up by y'know, telling the truth.

Ross: (walking up with Rachel and carrying coffee) Hey.

Joey: Whoa, dude, look out! You almost crushed my hat! (He picks a hat up from the floor. It's one of those magician stovepipe hats.)

Ross: Sorry.

Chandler: (examining the hat) And the bunny got away. (Turns and starts looking for the bunny as Joey puts the hat on.)

Ross: (glaring at Joey) This would be the place where you explain the hat.

Joey: Oh! Yeah, look there's this play all right? And I'm up for the part of this real cool like suave international guy. A real clothes horse. So I figure that everyone at the audition is gonna be wearing this kinda y'know, ultra-hip, high fashion stuff.

Chandler: And you're gonna make them all disappear.

Joey: Yeah, like you could find something as sophisticated as this.

(Chandler picks up a basket from the table and puts it on his head.)

Chandler: Done.

Rachel: Joey, if you wanna look good, why don't you just come down to the store? I'll help you out.

Joey: Great! Thanks, Rach!

Rachel: Sure! (Pause) God, please take those off!

Joey: All right.

(Both of them remove their hats as Phoebe enters.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, how's it going?

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Umm, well, only okay because I just got back from, from the hospital.

(All at once.)

Rachel: What?

Ross: Is everything okay?

Joey: Are you all right?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, no-no-no. I'm fine. I'm okay, but umm, my Grandma sorta died.

Joey: Pheebs! Sorry!

Phoebe: It's okay, I mean she had a really incredible life. And it's not like I'm never gonna see her again, y'know she's gonna visit.

Rachel: Well maybe, maybe she's with us right now?

Phoebe: Yeah, her first day on a new spiritual plane and she's gonna come to the coffeehouse!

Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.

Ross: Uhh, Pheebs' Grandmother just died.

Monica: Ohh my God, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It's okay. Actually y'know what, it's kinda cool. 'Cause it's like y'know, one life ends and another begins.

Monica: (to the guys) Not the way they're doing it. What, what happened? How did she die?

Phoebe: Well umm, okay we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt and she just never came back up again.

Joey: Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: It was really sweet. The last thing she said to me was; "Okay dear, you go get the eggs and I'm gonna get the yogurt and we'll meet at the checkout counter." And y'know what? We will meet at the checkout counter.

[Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is fixing Joey up with some new clothes.]

Rachel: Okay now Joey, y'know that since you're returning all of this stuff right after the audition you're gonna have to wear underwear?

Joey: All right, then you'd better show me some of that too then.

Rachel: Okay, it's missing something. Ooh, I know! Umm, okay. (Goes and grabs a bag, that looks like a purse, and shows it to Joey.)

Joey: Really? A purse?

Rachel: It's not a purse! It's a shoulder bag.

Joey: It looks like a women's purse.

Rachel: No Joey, look. Trust me, all the men are wearing them in the spring catalog. Look. (Shows him.) See look, men, carrying the bag.

Joey: See look, women, carrying the bag. (He puts it on his shoulder and looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.) But it is odd how a women's purse looks good on me, a man.

Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!

Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.

Rachel: No! No Joey! U-N-I-sex.

Joey: Well, I ain't gonna say no to that.

[Scene: Ursula's apartment, Phoebe is about to break the bad news to her sister. She knocks on the door.]

Ursula: Who is it?

Phoebe: It's Phoebe.

Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?

Phoebe: Umm, well I sorta have some bad news, can I come in?

Ursula: Umm, yeah—no thanks.

Phoebe: Umm, well, umm Grandma died.

Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?

Phoebe: No, she just died today! Okay, umm, we're having a memorial service tomorrow.

Ursula: Okay, I know that I went to that all ready.

Phoebe: No you didn't!

Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?

Phoebe: Well, lots of people! Look, are you coming to memorial service or not?

Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So… I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.

Phoebe: Fine. Okay, enjoy your concert. (Starts to leave.)

Ursula: Thanks! Enjoy your funeral.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are on the couch as Joey enters with his new bag.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.)

Chandler: Wow! You look just like your son Mrs. Tribbiani!

Joey: What? Are you referring to my man's bag? At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out! It's got compartments for all your stuff! Your wallet! Your keys! Your address book!

Ross: Your make-up!

Rachel: (entering) Joey, what are you doing with the bag? You're audition is not until tomorrow.

Joey: Yeah, but sandwich time is right now. (Removes a sandwich and starts eating.)

Rachel: Joey, y'know you get any mustard on that bag, you can't return it.

Joey: Why would I return it? I love this bag!

Rachel: All right, then you owe me $350.

Joey: Fine! Do you take Vasa or Mustercard? (He's holding the fake credit cards that come with the bag.)

Rachel: (glaring at him) Joey…

Joey: All right relax, look I'll pay you with the money from the acting job I am definitely gonna get thanks to you.

Ross: What's the part, Anti-man?

Rachel: Hey, don't listen to them. I think it's sexy.

Joey: U-N-I-sexy? (Smiles provocatively.)

[Scene: Phoebe's Grandmother's memorial, Phoebe is at the door welcoming people.]

Phoebe: Well hello, Mrs. Penella! Thank you so much for coming! Well, okay look, here's your umm, 3-D glasses and Reverend Pong will tell you when to put them on.

(The gang arrives.)

Rachel: Hi sweetie!

Ross: Hey, how are you holding up?

Joey: Hey Pheebs, I'm so sorry.

Phoebe: (notices his bag.) Hey, y'know what? My Grandma had the exact same bag!

Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)

Phoebe: Thanks!

Chandler: Pulling flowers out it makes the bag look a lot more masculine.

(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)

Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?

(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)

Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.

Man: Hello. Hello.

Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.

Man: Oh, umm, all right.

Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?

Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.

Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?

Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.

(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)

Frank Sr.: (Seeing the look on her face) Y'know what? Strike that. My name uh, actually is-is Joe. Uh, Joe umm, Hill.

Phoebe: You're Frank Buffay?

Frank Sr.: Shh! (Whispers) No! Joe Hill!

Phoebe: You just said…

Frank Sr.: Y'know what, I gotta go. And thank you so much for coming. (Hands back his glasses and hurries out.)

Phoebe: But…

(Phoebe takes one step after him and stops.)

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: What?! What honey?

Ross: What happened?

Phoebe: That was my dad!

Chandler: Oh my God!

(They all look down the hall he left from.)

Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Funeral Home, continued from earlier. Phoebe is returning after looking for her father.]

Monica: Oh, did you catch him?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: Wh-what did he say?!

Phoebe: He said, "Nice to meet you Glenda." (They stare at her, dumbfounded) Well, obviously I couldn't give him my real name?

Rachel: Why?! Why not?!

Phoebe: Come on, you saw the way he ran out of here! What do you think? He's gonna stick around and talk to the daughter he abandoned!

Joey: What did you say to him?

Phoebe: Well, I said, I told him y'know, that I was the executor person of Francis' will and that I needed to talk to him so I'm gonna meet him at the coffee house later.

The Pastor: Could everyone please take their seats?

Phoebe: All right, well, I just can't think about that right now. I just wanna say good-bye to my Grandma.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: All right, let's go say good-bye.

(They put on their glasses and try to find their way to their seats.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the funeral, everyone is there.]

Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?

Rachel: Ahhh, I think you look great! That bag is gonna get you that part.

Chandler: And a date with a man!

Joey: Y'know what? Make fun all you want. This is a great bag! Okay? And it's as handy as it is becoming. Now, just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it wrong. All right? So from now on you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey, (pats the bag) comes with a bag! (Exits.)

Phoebe: All right, I'd better go too. I have to go talk to my dad.

Rachel: Ooh, Pheebs, what are you gonna say? Are you gonna tell him who you are?

Phoebe: Umm, no, not at first 'cause I-I don't want to freak him out

Ross: Well, but aren't you pissed at him?! I mean this guy abandoned you! I gotta tell you if this were me, this guy would be in some serious physical danger! (Getting worked up) I mean I-I-I'd walk in there and I'd be like, "Yo, dad! You and me outside right now!" (Calming down.) I kinda scared myself.

Monica: Well, at least you scared someone.

Phoebe: Y'know it's funny, you'd think I'd be angry. I mean, you'd think I'd wanna rip his tiny little head off. Fortunately, I'm past it.

Monica: Phoebe, you do seem a little tense. Here, let me help you.

Phoebe: All right.

(She goes over and tries to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe yelps in pain and jumps away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh! Get off!! Ow!! Oh, stop it!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!

Monica: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: As a masseuse and a human, I'm begging you, never do that to anyone!

Monica: (indignant) I give good massages! (Ross laughs.) I used to give them to Rachel all the time before she got allergic! And-and-and Chandler loves them! Watch! (She starts giving Chandler a massage.)

Phoebe: (seeing the look on Chandler's face) He-he does not like it! He hates it! He's in pain!

Monica: No he's not!

Chandler: (wincing) Yes, he is!

Monica: What?!

Chandler: I'm sorry but, ow-owww-owww!

Monica: You've been lying to me? I can't believe you'd do that.

Ross: Well, maybe he just didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Monica: But the minute we start to lie to each other… (Pauses after she realizes what she's saying.) And by 'we' I mean society.

[Scene: Joey's audition, he is with bag.]

The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.

Joey: (reading from the script) Well, you must be new here. Why don't we get a table and I'll buy you a drink.

The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?

Joey: Yeah, sure. (He takes it off and starts reading.) Well, you must be new here. Maybe we should—I'm sorry, can I ask you something? (He stops and asks a question.)

The Casting Director: Sure. What?

Joey: Well, first it's not a purse.

The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.

Joey: I mean if-if you're thinking it's a woman's bag, it's not. It's a man's bag!

The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!

Joey: All right look, let me show you the catalog! (Does so.) See? Huh? It's the latest thing! Everyone's got one! Men! Women! Children! Everyone's carrying them!

The Casting Director: Umm, do you sell these bags?

Joey: Noooo. No-no-no, these babies sell themselves.

The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!

Joey: Yeah but I didn’t read anything.

The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!

Joey: Okay! All right, I'll see ya. (As he's walking off stage.) (Patting the bag.) We got it! We got it!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is poking his head in.]

Chandler: Hey, is Rachel here?

Monica: No.

Chandler: (coming all the way in) Listen, I just wanted to apologize about this afternoon and the whole massage thing. Y'know? I-I really like 'em.

Monica: Oh, please, stop! Look, we're supposed to be honest with each other. I-I just wish you could tell me—just say, "I don't like your massages."

Chandler: (falling into that trap) I don't like your massages.

Monica: (starting to cry) See? It's no big deal.

Chandler: Okay, but now see you're crying!

Monica: I'm not crying about that! I'm crying about something that happened at work.

Chandler: What?

Monica: (bursting into tears) My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages.

Chandler: It's okay, you don't have to be the best at everything.

Monica: Oh my God! You don't know me at all!

Chandler: Okay, you give the worst massages in the world.

Monica: I'm crying here!!

Chandler: Okay, hear me out. Okay? You give the best bad massages. If anybody was looking for the best bad massage and they were thinking to themselves, "Who's the best of that?" They'd have to go to you.

Monica: Huh. So you're saying like umm, if there was an award for the best bad massage, well who would get that?

Chandler: Oh, it would be you! You! Monica! And you'd get all the votes!

Monica: So maybe they could umm, call the award the Monica?

Chandler: Absolutely!

Monica: Okay. I suck!

Chandler: Yeah! (They hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Frank Sr. is just arriving.]

Phoebe: Umm, thank you for meeting with me.

Frank Sr.: Thank you. All right.

Phoebe: Come, sit. (He's hesitant.) Sit. (Still hesitating.) Sit! (He sits on the arm of the couch.) Umm, all righty, before we get started I just—I need you to state for the official record that you are in fact Frank Buffay.

Frank Sr.: Oh yes. Yes, yes, I am, uh-hmm.

Phoebe: Okay.

Frank Sr.: So, what did Francis leave me?

Phoebe: Huh?

Frank Sr.: Well, that's why you wanted me to come, right?

Phoebe: Oh yes. Yes. Yeah—no. She did. She left you umm, (looking in her purse) this lipstick.

Frank Sr.: Oh. Huh. It's huh, well it's (opens it) oh it's—ew used. Umm, cool.

Phoebe: Okay. I have just a few questions to ask so I'm going to get out my official forms. (She picks up a couple of crumpled receipts.) Okay, so, question 1) You and uh, you were married to Francis' daughter Lilly, is that correct?

Frank Sr.: Yes, yes I was.

Phoebe: Okay, umm, question 2) Umm, did that marriage end A. Happily, B. Medium, or C. In the total abandonment of her and her two children?

Frank Sr.: It really says that?!

Phoebe: Yeah. See? (Quickly shows him.)

Frank Sr.: Well then I guess then I-I would I would have to say C.

Phoebe: Hmm, okay, total abandonment. Okay, reasons for abandonment, A. Top secret government work, B. Amnesia, or C. Or you're just a selfish, irresponsible bad, bad man?

Frank Sr.: Y'know, I don't think I want the lipstick that much. (Gets up to leave.) But umm… Oh, would you do me a favor? And umm, would you, would you give Lilly that, please? (Hands her a note.)

Phoebe: What?!

Frank Sr.: Well Lilly, when you see Lilly would you give her that, that note? Because I wanted to talk to her at the memorial but, well I pictured her getting mad at me the way you got mad at me and I well, I chickened out. So, uh, I wrote her that note, would you give it to her please?

Phoebe: But you-you-you came to see Lilly?

Frank Sr.: Yeah, yeah. Why?

Phoebe: Lilly's dead. (He looks up in shock.)

Frank Sr.: She what?!

Phoebe: She's dead.

Frank Sr.: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Well, if she isn't then cremating her was a big mistake.

Frank Sr.: I can't believe this. I just—I can't believe this. How-how—Oh my God. How long ago?

Phoebe: 17 years ago.

Frank Sr.: Oh! What about, what about the girls?

Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.

(Silence ensues.)

Phoebe: Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!

Frank Sr.: Phoebe, I-I-I-umm, (Sits down next to her and brushes against her leg.) Oops. (He backs up.) I just, I-I-I-I don’t, I don’t know what to say. I just can't believe that you're my daughter, you're so pretty.

Phoebe: Yes. Well, that's neither here nor there.

Frank Sr.: So would it, would it make you feel better if I said I was very, very sorry that I left?

Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesn’t matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.

Frank Sr.: All right. Well, y'know in my defense I was a lousy father.

Phoebe: That's a defense?

Frank Sr.: Yes. Yes it is. I burned the formula and I put your diapers on backwards. I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep, but that made you cry even more!

Phoebe: You make up songs?

Frank Sr.: Well no, just-just that one. But, it was stupid. Let's see, how did it, how did it go. Umm. (Singing.)

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.

Why won't you go to sleep?

Sleepy girl, sleepy girl.

You're, you're, you're keeping me uppp! (Yeah, that's to the tune of Smelly Cat.)

Yeah.

(Phoebe is trying not to smile. He moves closer and very shyly holds out his hand and turns his head, hoping for Phoebe to take his hand. She doesn't.)

Frank Sr.: I just, I y'know, I'm not very good at this. So, umm… (Backs away.)

Phoebe: Well, I am. (Moves over and takes his hand.)

(She holds his hand for a little while then…)

Phoebe: Not yet, no. (Drops his hand and moves back.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey returns from his audition and finds everyone but Phoebe there.]

Joey: (dejected) Hi.

All: Hey!

Chandler: Hey man, how did the audition go?

Joey: Estelle said I didn't get it. (Sits down next to Rachel on the couch.)

Rachel: What?! Why? Joey you were so ready for it!

Joey: Yeah, I thought so too but, she said the casting people had some problems with me.

Ross: What kind of problem?

Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!

Chandler: Oh my God!

Ross: Nooooo!

Joey: Y'know what? It was a stupid play anyway!

Monica: Y'know, Joey, I think it's time to give up the bag.

Joey: I don't wanna give up the bag. I don't have to give up the bag! Do I Rach? (She's avoiding his eyes.) Oh, you think I should give up the bag!

Rachel: Honey wait, Joey, I’m sorry I mean as terrific as I think you are with it… (Looks for help.)

Chandler: Oh, hey! (Ross nods in agreement as well.)

Rachel: …I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag.

Joey: I can't believe I'm hearing this!

Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldn’t have a bag, I just—it's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.

Chandler: Yeah umm, they're called wallets.

End

513 乔伊背包包

难以置信，

你以前居然从来没有给我按摩过！

太爽了，莫妮卡爽死了!

哦！看表，时间到！轮到你给我按!

这么快就半小时了?

这可是你的闹钟。

你知道我这人不爱吹牛，

但我的按摩技术天下无敌！

好吧，那你让我享受享受！

很棒吧，对不对？

太“棒”了，我何德何能该享受这种待遇呢？

向肌肉酸痛说再见吧！

再见了肌肉！！

告诉你说，她是史上最滥的按摩师了！！

她简直就像在逼供！

我好想招供——可我就是

不知道她想问什么情报！

钱德, 如果真那么痛你跟她直说好了。

我这辈子头一次真正投入一段感情。那，

我可不想一拍两散，就因为说了老实话。

哇，花花公子，你小心点！

差点把我的帽子踩扁啦！

对不起。

兔子呢，变没了吗？

你是不是该解释一下

为什么戴这顶帽子呢。

哦！好的。

我不是有一出新戏要试镜吗？

我要争取的角色是个国际性的酷男，

整个一个衣架子。

所以我想当天来试镜的人

大约都会穿上这种潮流尖端的服饰。

你是不是想把他们全都变没了。

哼，难道你还能找出这么高级的帽子吗？

有了。

乔伊, 如果你真想玩帅，

你到我们店里来我帮你打扮啊。

好极了！谢谢瑞秋！

举手之劳!

天啊，把这些帽子摘下来！

好罢。

嘿,菲比,今儿个怎么样？

嘿。

嘿! 恩，一般。

因为我刚从医院回来。

什么?

没事吧？

你病了吗？

是啊，不，不，我很好。我没病，

但，恩，我祖母过世了。

菲比！这真让人难过。

这没什么，我是说她这辈子挺丰富多彩的。

而且这也算不上永别，她还会来找我嘛。

是啊，没准，没准她现在就和我们在一块呢？

对，她升天头一天没准会上咖啡馆逛逛！

诸位！诸位！

我刚看见就在门外的一辆车上有两人正乱搞呢。

呃，菲比的祖母刚刚过世了。

哦天哪，我很抱歉。

没事。事实上，你知道，这还挺酷的。

因为，你知道的啊，一个生命终结了，

而另一个生命才刚刚开始。

怪不得门外那两人在忙乎。

她怎么了，怎么去世的？

是这样，恩，我们在市场的时候，

她弯腰拿一块酸奶酪，

结果就再也没能站起来了。

菲比，我真替你难过。

很可爱呢，她跟我讲的最后一句话是：

“好了亲爱的，”

“你去取鸡蛋，我去拿酸奶酪，

我们在收银台回合。”

你猜怎么着？

我们果真在收银台回合了。

好了乔伊，你记住因为你试镜完了以后

要把这身行头全退给我，

所以你必须穿内裤。

好吧，那你也给我拿一些内裤选选好吧。

好，怎么总觉得差了点什么。

哦，有了！恩，没错。

你不说笑？坤包？

这可不是坤包。

这是挎包。

这是女人背的嘛。

错了乔伊,你看。信我，

春季产品目录里所有男人都背包。你看。

看呀，男人，

挎着包。

看呀，女人，挎着包。

不过还真是奇了，

女人背的包在我身上这么好看，我是男人啊。

没错！两性通用

（Unisex，听来像你需要过性生活）！

你才需要性呢。我前两天刚刚做过。

不是！乔伊你听错了！（拼字）U-N-I-sex.

（听来像你和我上床）

好啊，那我倒不会拒绝。

谁啊?

菲比。

哦太好了！

哦，怎么是你。

恩，找我有事吗？

恩，我带了坏消息来，我能进来吗？

恩，进来吧，还是别进来吧，谢谢。

恩，好吧。

恩，祖母去世了。

哇，她不是五年前就死了吗？

不对，她今天才死的。

恩，明天我们要举行葬礼。

好吧，我早就参加过她的葬礼了。

你没有参加过！

是吗，那是谁死了五年了呢？

很多人都死了五年了！

说吧，你到底来不来参加葬礼？

恩，还是算了。

我以为她早死了所以我的心情很平静。

另外，明天我还要去听音乐会，所以

我想邀请你也去，不过呢，我只有两张票。

好吧，好好享受你的音乐会吧。

谢谢！你也好好享受葬礼吧。

嘿!

哇！你看起来跟你儿子好像，崔比昂尼太太！

什么？你是说我的男用挎包吗？

起初我以为它只是漂亮，没想到还非常实用。

你看看！

里面有隔层，什么都能装！

钱包，钥匙，地址簿！

还可以放化妆品呢！

乔伊, 你现在背着包干嘛？不是明天才试镜么？

是啊，但是现在我该吃三明治了。

乔伊, 你得明白包上粘上一点芥末可就不能退了。

我为啥要退呢？我爱死这个包了！

好吧，那给我350块。

没问题！

你收维萨卡还是万事达卡？

乔伊ˇ

好吧别紧张，我会用演这个戏的片酬付包钱的。

托你的福我一定能得到这个角色。

是什么样的角色，男性反对者吗？

嘿，别听他们乱说，我觉得这非常性感。

中性的性感？

你好，潘内拉夫人，谢谢你前来！

请拿好，这是你的立体眼镜。

彭牧师会告诉你什么时候戴上它。

你好啊宝贝!

嘿,你还撑得住吧？

菲比，我很难过。

嘿，我祖母有和你一样的包包！

看，我买了花送给你。

谢谢！

从里面拖出一束花

总算让这个包平添了几分阳刚之气。

哦，对不起，请原谅，这里是不是追悼会啊？

是的,欢迎。

你好。你好。

恩,请拿好你的立体眼镜。

哦,恩,好的。

请问您是怎样认识我祖母的？

我事实上，我真的，我已经多年没见过她了。

不过呢，恩，我和她及她女儿一度关系密切。

是吗?! 您的姓名？

恩，弗兰克?巴费

我刚才乱讲的，我的名字其实叫乔。

呃，乔，恩，希尔。

你就是弗兰克?巴费？

小声点！我不是！

我叫乔?希尔!

可你刚才说

我得走了。

多谢你光临。

哦上帝啊！

怎么了?!怎么啦宝贝？

发生什么事了？

那是我爸爸！

哦天啊！

嘿你们看，看呀。

好象近在眼前。

哦,你追上他了吗？

追上了。

他说什么了?!

他说，“碰到你很高兴，格兰达。”

很明显我不能告诉他我的真名。

为什么?! 为什么不行?!

算了吧，你们都看到他从这落荒而逃的狼狈样！

还能怎么样？

难道要他呆在这里和他遗弃的女儿回忆往事吗？

你跟他怎么说呢？

我说，我告诉他说，我是弗兰西丝的遗嘱执行人。

我得跟他谈谈。

所以一小时后我要和他在咖啡馆见面。

请大家就座。

好了，现在我不能分心。

我想和祖母好好道个别。

好。

好，我们去送别吧。

嘿！我要去试镜了！我看来帅吗？

啊，帅翻了！有了这个包，你稳操胜券！

还会有男人找你约会的！

告诉你说，随你怎么调侃吧，

这个包我就是喜欢，听清了吗？

而且它越来越好用！

你不能理解的事不一定就是错的！知道了吗？

从现在起你们最好习惯这个事实，那就是乔伊

挎着个包！

好了，我也该走了。我得和我父亲谈谈。

哦，菲比，你打算说什么呢。

要告诉他你的身份吗？

恩，不，刚见面我不会讲，会吓坏他的。

好吧，但你难道不气他吗？这人抛弃了你们啊！

如果换作我的话，这人起码落个残废！

我是说，我会走上前去叫，“你！爸爸！”

“和我出去单挑！”

我吓着我自己了。

喔，你起码还是吓着人了。

有意思，你觉得我应该生气。

你认为我该把他的小脑袋拧下来。

幸运的是，我克服了这种情绪。

菲比，你看来有点紧张。

来，我帮你忙。

哦，手拿开。哇喔！停手！

为什么?!你为什么这样对我?!

你说什么?

作为按摩师，作为人类，我请求你，

千万别再对任何人下这样的毒手了！

我按摩技术很高！

每次瑞秋过敏我都给她按摩来着！

还有，还有钱德可喜欢让我按摩了！你看！

他——他不喜欢！他讨厌让你按摩！他满脸痛苦！

他没有痛苦！

是很痛！

什么?!

对不起，不过，喔-喔--喔!

你一直对我撒谎？我真不敢相信你这样对我。

我看，他也许只是不想伤害你的感情。

我们居然就开始互相欺骗了。

我说“我们”，其实是指我们这个小团体。

你准备好就开始吧, 乔伊.

我看你是新来的吧。

找张桌子，我请你喝点什么好吗。

对不起，你能否，

能不能把你的坤包取下来试试。

好的。

我看你是新来的吧。找张——

对不起，我能跟你谈谈吗？

行。什么事？

首先这不是个坤包，

好吧，随便你。

我是说你也许误认为这是个女人背的包，

不是的，这是男用包！

好吧！！

开始！

好吧你看，我给你看产品目录！

看见了吧？呃？

这是最新的时尚！人人挎包！

男人！女人！孩子！人手一个！

恩，你来推销包的吗？

不——不，不，这些包不用我推销也好卖。

好！谢谢你！很好！

行，但我还没念台词呢。

我们已经大饱眼福了！

好！好吧，再见。

这角色是我们的！这角色是我们的！

嘿，瑞秋在家吗？

不在。

听着，我只想为下午按摩的事道歉。好吗？

我——我其实喜欢你按摩。

哦，求你别说了！

我们说好彼此诚实的。

我只想听真话，“我不喜欢你按摩。”

我不喜欢你按摩。

看

没什么大不了的。

好，但是你哭起来了。

我没哭这个！我只是工作上不大顺心。

什么事？

我男朋友说他不喜欢我按摩。

没关系的，你不必事事都争第一。

哦上帝啊，你压根不了解我！

好吧好吧，

你的按摩全世界最差。

我已经哭了！！

好了，听我说，好吗？

你在滥按摩师中排名第一。

如果有人想在滥按摩师当中评选第一名，

他们就会想

“谁排名第一呢？”结果一定是你。

嗯。所以你的意思是，

如果有最差按摩师大奖的话，

谁会得奖呢?

哦，一定是你！

你! 莫妮卡! 所有人都投你的票!

那么他们也许会把这个奖命名为“莫妮卡奖”?

绝对是!

那还差不多.

我接受!

乖!

嗯, 谢谢您答应见我.

谢谢你。

请坐。

坐下.

坐下!

嗯,好，在开始谈话之前，

我需要你回答几个登记表上的正式问题。

你的确是弗兰克?巴费？

哦是的，是，是，我是。嗯——

好。

那，弗兰西丝留什么东西给我了？

啊?

这不是你叫我来的理由吗？

哦，对啊，没错。

她留给你，嗯，

这支口红。

哦，呃。

这是，我看看，

哦，是用过的。

嗯，很棒。

好了，要填正式的表格我需要询问你几个问题。

问题一，

你和弗兰西丝的女儿丽丽结婚，对吗？

是，是的。

好，问题二，

嗯，婚姻以何种方式告终？

选择A，愉快的；

选择B，一般的；

选择C，抛妻弃女？

文件上真这么写？!

是的,要看看吗？

好吧，我想我得选，C。

嗯，好，那就是“抛妻弃女”。

下面，抛弃妻女的理由？

A. 高级机密的政府工作，

B. 健忘症

或者C. 只因你是个自私、

不负责任的父亲，是个坏男人？

我并不是很想得到这支口红。

不过，哦，你能帮我一个忙吗？嗯，

你能帮我把这个转交给丽丽吗？

什么?!

你看到丽丽请把这个便条交给她。

我本想在葬礼上跟她谈谈，

不过当时你生气的样子

让我害怕她也会对我发火，

所以我溜了。所以，

呃，我写了张字条给她，你能转交吗？

你，你当时是去找丽丽的？

是的，怎么了？

丽丽死了。

她什么？！

她死了。

你确定？

如果她没死，那火葬她就是个大错误。

难以置信，我不敢相信。怎么会？

哦天哪。

她几时死的？

17年前。

哦!

那她的女儿们怎么办？

乌苏拉当女招待，她是自由业者。

而菲比呢，

就坐在这张沙发上。

对，口红和女儿，今天可真让你吃不消。

菲比,我，我，嗯，

哎呀.

我只是，我，我，不知道，我不知道说什么好。

我只是无法相信你是我女儿，你这么美。

是的，但你跑题了。

如果我说我非常抱歉当初撇下你们，

你会不会好受点？

你知道吗，你现在说什么都无关紧要了，

你走吧。

好吧。

我得说我是个不称职的父亲。

你这算是为自己辩解？

是的。我烧糊了婴儿食物，还把你的尿布穿反了。

我编了首歌哄你入睡，结果你哭得更厉害了。

你还编了歌？

也不算吧，就是那首，

不过，听起来挺傻的。

让我想想，怎么唱的来着？

悃女儿，悃女儿，你为什么不入睡？

（臭臭猫的调子）

悃女儿，悃女儿，

你让我，你让我也睡不成！就是这样

我只是，不懂得表达感情，所以

那我来吧。

我也没准备好。还是算了。

嗨。

嘿!

嘿,兄弟,试镜如何？

埃斯特拉说我没戏。

什么?! 为什么? 乔伊你再合适不过了!

是，我有同感。

不过她说选角的人对我有看法。

什么看法?

说老实话，他们，呃，

他们看不惯我的包！

哦天哪!

不!

我看，这反正是出愚蠢的戏，演不上也没什么！

乔伊, 我想是时候和这个包说再见了。

我可不想扔掉它。

我可以留着它对吗？瑞秋？

哦，你也认为我应该扔掉它！

宝贝别着急，乔伊,我认为你挎着它非常帅，

哦，这就对了！

我只是发现这个世界好象还没有准备好接受

你挎这个包

我不敢相信连你也这么说！

等一下！等一下！我并非说你不能有个包，

不过你也许该选用不那么有争议性的包

比较合适，

对，我们叫那种包为“钱包”。

514 The One Where Everyone Finds Out

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating some Chinese food.]

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh hey, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy is putting stuff in boxes!

(They all run and join her at the window.)

Rachel: I'd say from the looks of it; our naked buddy is moving.

Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes.

Rachel: Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt.

Chandler: And we're done with the chicken fried rice.

Ross: Hey! Hey! If he's moving, maybe I should try to get his place!

All: Good idea! Yes!

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!

Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!

Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are checking out the place. Luckily, Ugly Naked Guy is nowhere to be seen.]

Ross: Oh my God! I love this apartment! Isn't it perfect?! I can't believe I never realized how great it is!

Rachel: Well that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man.

Phoebe: It's amazing! You better hurry up and fill out an application or I'm gonna beat you to it.

Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)

Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom. (Does so.)

Phoebe: (looking out the window) Oh, look! There's Monica and Chandler! (Starts yelling.) Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey! (Chandler and Monica start taking each other's clothes off.) Ohh!! Ohh! Ahh-ahhh!!

Rachel: What?!

Phoebe: (screaming) Ahhh!! Chandler and Monica!! Chandler and Monica!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

Phoebe: CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!!

Rachel: OH MY GOD!!!

Phoebe: OH!! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!

Rachel: Phoebe!! Phoebe!! It's okay!! It's okay!!

Phoebe: NO! THEY'RE DOING IT!!!

Rachel: I KNOW!! I KNOW!! I KNOW!

Phoebe: YOU KNOW?!!!

Rachel: Yes, I know! And Joey knows! But Ross doesn't know so you have to stop screaming!!

Ross: (entering) What's going on?

Phoebe and Rachel: Ohhh!!!

Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!

Ross: What?! What?!

Rachel: Nothing! Oh God, we're just so excited that you want to get this apartment!

Ross: Actually, it looks really good. (Turns towards the window and now Phoebe starts jumping to divert his attention.)

Phoebe: (Screaming incoherently.) Get in here!!! (Motions to join her and Rachel.)

(Ross starts jumping and screaming incoherently and hops over and joins in on the group hug.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there talking about Chandler and Monica.]

Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping or—Oh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!

Rachel: Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it. Phone doing it.

Phoebe: Oh! Oh, I can't believe it! I mean I think it's great! For him. She might be able to do better.

Joey: (entering) Hey guys!

Rachel: Joey! Come here! Come here!

Joey: What? What?

Rachel: Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler.

Joey: You mean how they're friends and nothing more? (Glares at Rachel.)

Rachel: No. Joey, she knows! We were at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment and we saw them doing it through the window. (Joey gasps) Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window.

Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?

Joey: Yes, but y'know what? It doesn't matter who knows what. Now, enough of us know that we can just tell them that we know! Then all the lying and the secrets would finally be over!

Phoebe: Or, we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own.

Rachel: Wh-what do you mean?

Phoebe: Well y'know every time that they say that like they're doing laundry we'll just give them a bunch of laundry to do.

Rachel: Ohhh, I-I would enjoy that!

Joey: No-no-no! No-no wait Rach, you know what would even be more fun? Telling them.

Rachel: Ehhh, no, I wanna do Phoebe's thing.

Joey: I can't take any…

Phoebe: No! You don't have to do anything! Just don't tell them that we know!

Joey: Noo! I can't take any more secrets! (To Rachel) I've got your secrets. I've got their secrets. I got secrets of my own y'know!

Rachel: You don't have any secrets!

Joey: Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (Joey shies away.)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) So umm, how-how are we gonna mess with them?

Joey: Ugh.

Phoebe: Well, you could use your position y'know as the roommate.

Rachel: Okay.

Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.

Chandler: (entering) Hello children!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Okay, watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

(She gets up and goes over to Chandler who's ordering some coffee from Gunther.)

Chandler: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah the material feels so soft—hello Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out?

Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?

Phoebe: Well, if you really wanna know, I'm—Oh! I can't tell you this.

Chandler: Phoebe, it's me. You can tell me anything.

Phoebe: Well actually you're the one person I can't tell this too. And the one person I want to the most.

Chandler: What's going on?

Phoebe: I think it's just y'know that I haven't been with a guy in so long and how sometimes you're looking for something and you just don’t even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee—Oh no, have I said to much? Well it's just something to think about. I know I will.

(She makes a show of bending over to get her coat and showing off her bum. She then walks out, leaving no one to eat her cookie.)

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler and Monica are there, of course. Like who else would it be, duh!]

Monica: You are so cute! How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler: Well, my Grandfather was Swedish and my Grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Monica: Okay, now you're even cuter!!

Chandler: Y'know that is a popular opinion today I must say.

Monica: What?

Chandler: The weirdest thing happened at the coffee house, I think, I think Phoebe was hitting on me.

Monica: What are you talking about?

Chandler: I'm telling you I think Phoebe thinks I'm foxy.

Monica: That's not possible!

Chandler: Ow!

Monica: I'm sorry it's just, Phoebe just always thought you were, you were charming in a, in a sexless kind of way.

Chandler: Oh, y'know I-I can't hear that enough.

Monica: I'm sorry, I think that you just misunderstood her.

Chandler: No, I didn't misunderstand, okay? She was all over me! She touched my bicep for crying out loud!

Monica: This bicep?

Chandler: Well it's not flexed right now!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. Monica is entering from her room.]

Rachel: Hey Mon, what are you doing now? Wanna come see a movie with us?

Monica: Uhh, y'know actually I was gonna do some laundry.

Rachel: Oh.

Monica: Hey Chandler, wanna do it with me?

Chandler: Sure, I'll do it with ya.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay great, hold on a sec! (She runs to her room and returns carrying a huge bag of laundry.) Oh, here you go! You don't mind do ya? That would really help me out a lot! Thanks!

Monica: I mean I-I don't I think I have enough quarters.

Phoebe: I have quarters! (She holds up a bag of quarters.)

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey Ross! Any word on the apartment yet?

Ross: Well, I called over there and it turns out Ugly Naked Guy is subletting it himself and he's already had like a hundred applicants.

Rachel: Oh.

Ross: No-no, I got the edge. I know it's not exactly ethical but I sent him a little bribe to

tip the scales in my direction. Check it out, you can probably see it from the window. (They all head to the window.)

Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?

Ross: No.

Chandler: That new mountain bike?

Ross: No.

Monica: Well what did you send?

Ross: A basket of mini-muffins.

Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets. Which one did you send?

Ross: The small one.

Rachel: What?! You-you actually thought that basket was gonna get you the apartment?

Ross: Well yeah! Someone sent us a basket at work once and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.

Chandler: Your work makes me sad.

Ross: Oh man! I want that place so much!! I was so sure that was gonna work! There's twelve bucks I'll never see again! (Exits.)

Rachel: All right honey, we'd better go if we wanna catch that movie.

Monica: Bye!

All: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye Chandler! (She walks up to him.) (Quietly.) I miss you already. (She pinches his butt.)

Chandler: (after they've left) Okay, did you see that?! With the inappropriate and the pinching!!

Monica: Actually, I did!

Chandler: Okay, so now do you believe that she's attracted to me?

Monica: Ohhh, oh my God! Oh my God! She knows about us!

Chandler: Are you serious?

Monica: Phoebe knows and she's just trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation for it!

Chandler: (a little hurt) Okay but what about y'know my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps—She knows!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is snoozing with Hugsy, his bedtime penguin pal and Chandler and Monica come storming in.]

Chandler: (entering) Joey!

(Joey quickly tries to hide Hugsy by throwing it over his head.)

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: Phoebe knows about us!

Joey: Well I didn't tell them!

Monica: Them?! Who's them?

Joey: Uhhh, Phoebe and Joey.

Monica: Joey!

Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!

Chandler: Oh man!

Joey: I'm sorry! But hey, it's over now, right? Because you can tell them that you know they know and I can go back to knowing absolutely nothing!

Monica: Unless…

Joey: No! Not unless! Look this must end now!

Monica: Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But see they don't know that we know that they know! So…

Chandler: Ahh yes, the messers become the messies!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is looking at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment through binoculars.]

Ross: Noooo.

Rachel: Oh Ross, honey you gotta stop torturing yourself!

Phoebe: Yeah, why don't you just find another apartment?

Ross: Look I've already looked at like a thousand apartments this month and none of them even compares to that one!

Rachel: Y'know what you should do?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: You should find out what his hobbies are and then use that to bond with him. Yeah! Like if I would strike up a conversation about say umm, sandwiches. Or uh, or my underwear.

Joey: I'm listening.

Rachel: (To Ross) See?

Ross: That is a great idea! And! I know Ugly Naked Guy because we've been watching him for like five years so that gives me back my edge! Oh, let's see now he had the trampoline.

Phoebe: He broke that.

Ross: Well, he had gravity boots.

Rachel: Yeah, he broke those too.

Joey: So he likes to break stuff.

Ross: Okay, I've got to go pick up Ben but I-I will figure something out. (He opens the door and stops.) Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?

Phoebe: I wouldn't bring that up, it would probably just bum him out.

Joey: Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming.

Ross: Right. (Exits.)

(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Hello! (Listens) Oh yeah! Hey! Hold on a second she's right here! (To Phoebe) It's Chandler.

Phoebe: (in a sexy voice) Oh? (Takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello you.

Chandler: Hello Phoebe, I've been thinking about you all day. (He's holding the phone so that Monica can hear it as well.)

Phoebe: Eh?

Chandler: Well you know that thing you said before, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued.

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, Joey isn't gonna be here tonight so why don't you come over and I'll let you uh, feel my bicep. Or maybe more.

Phoebe: I'll have to get back to you on that. Okay, bye! (Hangs up.) Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!

Rachel: Are you kidding?!

Phoebe: No!

Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to Mon—Whoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?

Joey: No.

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: They know you know.

Rachel: Ugh, I knew it! Oh I cannot believe those two!

Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! (Joey just shakes his head.) Joey, you can't say anything!

Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted too.

[Scene: Outside Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, Ross is knocks on the door and Ugly Naked Guy answers it. He's ugly. He's naked. And he's holding a huge jumbo soda.]

Ross: Good evening, sir. My name is Ross Geller. I'm one of the people who applied for the apartment. And I-I realize that the competition is fierce but—I'm sorry. I, I can't help but notice you're naked and (He claps his hands.) I applaud you. Man, I wish I was naked. I mean, this-this looks so great. That is how God intended it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica and Rachel and Phoebe are planning their respective strategies to break the other pairing. Joey is not amused.

Monica: (in the kitchen with Chandler) Look at them, they're-they're panicked!

Chandler: Oh yeah, they're totally gonna back down!

Monica: Oh yeah!

[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: All right. All right! If he wants a date? He's gonna get a date. All right, I'm gonna go in.

Rachel: All right. Be sexy.

Phoebe: (laughs) Please.

(She saunters over to Chandler with a mean pair of 'Come hither' eyes and she glares at Monica.)

Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight.

Chandler: (initially worried, but gets over it) Really?

Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven?

Chandler: Yes.

Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse.

(As she walks away, Chandler mouths a scream to Monica. How motions and mouths, "It's okay, it's okay.")

Joey: (looking out the window) Hey-hey, check it out! Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!

(They all run over to the window.)

Rachel: Oh yeah! (She gasps.) Oh my God! That is our friend! (Monica covers her face.) It's Naked Ross! (Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder.)

All: Yeah, it is! Naked Ross!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]

Rachel: Show time!

Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!

Rachel: Okay! (She runs to get some.)

Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? (He begrudgingly does so.)

(In the meantime, Rachel has returned with the perfume and sprays a mist out in front of Phoebe who walks through the mist and does a little spin.)

[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Monica is getting Chandler ready for his half of the plan.]

Monica: All right, it'll be great! You just make her think you wanna have sex with her! It'll totally freak her out!

Chandler: Okay, listen, how far am I gonna have to go with her?

Monica: Relax, she-she's gonna give in way before you do!

Chandler: How do you know?!

Monica: Because you're on my team! And my team always wins!

Chandler: At this?!

Monica: Just go get some! (Kisses him.) Go! (She runs to hide in the bathroom.)

[Cut to the hallway, Phoebe is outside getting some last minute instructions from Rachel.]

Rachel: (handing her the wine) Okay honey, now I'm gonna try to listen from right here!

Phoebe: Okay.

Rachel: Okay? Whoa, wait! (She undoes one button on Phoebe's dress.)

Phoebe: Good idea!

Rachel: Yeah, oh wait! (She goes for another one.)

Phoebe: Oh now, don't give away the farm!

(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)

Chandler: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Chandler.

Chandler: Come on in.

Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?

Chandler: Sure.

(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)

Phoebe: So, here we are. Nervous?

Chandler: Me? No. You?

Phoebe: No, I want this to happen.

Chandler: So do I.

(They click their glasses and take a sip. That sip turns into a gulp, which quickly progresses into their mutual draining of their glasses at once.)

Chandler: I'm gonna put on some music.

Phoebe: Maybe, maybe I'll dance for you. (She starts doing a rather suggestive and seductive dance that's silly at the same time.)

Chandler: You look good.

Phoebe: Thanks! Y'know, that when you say things like that it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!

Chandler: Well, why don't we move this into the bedroom?

Phoebe: Really?

Chandler: Oh, do you not want to?

Phoebe: No. No! It's just y'know first, I wanna take off all my clothes and have you rub lotion on me.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) Well that would be nice. I'll go get the lotion.

[Cut to the bathroom, Chandler is entering.]

Chandler: Listen, this is totally getting out of hand! Okay? She wants me to put lotion on her!

Monica: She's bluffing!

Chandler: Look, she's not backing down! She went like this! (He does a little mimic of her dance.)

[Cut to the hallway where Phoebe is conferring with Rachel.]

Phoebe: He's not backing down. He went to get lotion.

Joey: (entering the hall) Oh man! Aren't you guys done yet?! I wanna sit in my chair!

Rachel: Joey look, just look at it this way, the sooner Phoebe breaks Chandler the sooner this is all over and out in the open.

Joey: Ooh!

Rachel: Okay!

Joey: I like that! (To Phoebe) Oh, okay! Show him your bra! He's afraid of bras! Can't work 'em! (He swiftly rips open the front of Phoebe's dress revealing her bra.)

Phoebe: Joey! (Examining the dress.) Wow, you didn’t rip off any buttons.

Joey: It's not my first time.

[Cut to the bathroom.]

Monica: You go back out there and you seduce her till she cracks!

Chandler: Okay, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?

Monica: Of course.

[Cut back to the living room. Chandler slowly exits the bathroom and gets pushed from behind by Monica and sees Phoebe closing the apartment door.)

Chandler: Oh, you're-you're going?

Phoebe: Umm, not without you, lover. (She slowly walks over to him and is showcasing her bra.) So, this is my bra.

Chandler: (swallowing hard) It's very, very nice. Well, come here. I'm very were gonna be having all the sex.

Phoebe: You should be. I'm very bendy. (Pause) I'm gonna kiss you now.

Chandler: Not if I kiss you first.

(They move closer to together and Phoebe hesitantly puts her hand on Chandler's hip. He puts his hand on her left hip but then decides to put his hand on her left hip. Phoebe then grabs his butt. Chandler goes for her breast, but stops and puts his hand on her shoulder.)

Phoebe: Ooh.

Chandler: Well, I guess there's nothing left for us to do but-but kiss.

Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.

(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)

Chandler: Okay! Okay! Okay! You win! You win!! I can't have sex with ya!

Phoebe: And why not?!

Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!!

Phoebe: You're-you're what?!

(Monica comes out of the bathroom like a bolt, and Rachel and Joey both enter.)

Chandler: Love her! That's right, I…LOVE…HER!!! I love her!! (They walk together and hug.) I love you, Monica.

Monica: I love you too Chandler. (They kiss.)

Phoebe: I just—I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!

Joey: Dude!

Chandler: And hats off to Phoebe. Quite a competitor. (Pause) And might I say your breasts are still showing.

Phoebe: God! (She turns and buttons up.)

Joey: All right! So that's it! It's over! Everybody knows!

Monica: Well actually, Ross doesn't.

Chandler: Yes, and we'd appreciate it if no one told him yet.

(Joey suddenly gets very angry.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Ross's new apartment, he is showing his boss, Dr. Ledbetter his new place and new outlook on life.]

Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.

Dr. Ledbetter: I must say it's nice to see you back on your feet.

Ross: Well I am that. And that whole rage thing is definitely behind me.

Dr. Ledbetter: I wonder if its time for you to rejoin our team at the museum?

Ross: Oh Donald that-that would be great. I am totally ready to come back to work. I—What? (He notices something through the window.) No! Wh… What are you doing?!! (Dr. Ledbetter is slowly backing away.) GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

End

514 恍然大悟

快看，裸男在把东西装箱！

迹象表明，裸男兄弟好象要搬家。

讽刺的是，多数箱子的标签上

都注明是服装。

哦，我会想念这个大屁股的。

我也会想念炸鸡饭的。

嘿！嘿！他搬走以后

我可以求租他的公寓！

好主意！说得没错！

住你们对面太妙了！

对！那我们就可以玩“电话游戏”了！

就是两头各一个罐头、中间一线牵！

或者我们也可以打打真的电话来交流。

天哪，这间公寓让我非常满意！

太完美了！以前居然从没注意到！

那是因为大个裸男太抢眼了。

令人惊讶!

你最好赶快去填申请表！

不然我要动粗了！

我从来没想过，

居然会用丑陋裸男的洗手间。

看！莫妮卡和钱德就在对面!

嘿！嘿！我在这儿！嘿！

哦！！哦！！啊——！！

啊！！ 钱德和莫妮卡!!

钱德和莫妮卡!!

哦天啊！

钱德居然和莫妮卡!!!!

哦天啊！

哦!!我的眼睛!!! 我的眼睛!!!!

菲比!! 菲比!! 没事的!! 没事的!!

不！他们居然在亲热!!!

我知道！！我知道！！我知道！！

你知道?!!!

对，我知道！乔伊也知道！

不过罗斯还蒙在鼓里所以你闭嘴！！

怎么啦?

哦！！嗨！！！嗨！

什么事？什么？

没什么！哦天啊，你搬来

令我们兴奋得发狂！

它看来很棒。

来，你过来!!!

那，每次莫妮卡和钱德谎称

要去洗衣店，或者买日用品，还有

哦，还有莫妮卡总是和露营时认识的

所谓悲伤琳达讲那些电话！

对啊，亲热，都是在电话里亲热。

哦!哦，难以置信！太棒了！对钱德而言。

莫妮卡本可以找到更好的。

嘿姑娘们！

乔伊! 上这儿来！

怎么了? 什么事?

菲比知道莫妮卡和钱德的事了。

你是指他们仅仅是普通朋友吗？

不，乔伊,她已经发现了！

我们在丑陋裸男那边看房，

那俩家伙正好在对窗鬼混！

事实上，他们就贴着窗户在做爱哦。

捉奸在窗！

那现在他们知道你知情，

但不知瑞秋也知情？

对，不过那并不重要。

既然这事已闹得尽人皆知，

干脆告诉他俩好了！

那他们就不必再撒谎或者故作神秘了！

或者我们不跟他们摊牌，

自己偷着乐乐。

你想怎么样？

以后他们再说要去洗衣店，

我们就拿一大堆脏衣服成全他们。

哦，太好玩了！

别，别这样，瑞秋，

你知道怎样才更好玩吗？

跟他们摊牌。

呃，算了，我还是听菲比的妙计。

我承受不了

不！你什么都不必做！

你只要不跟他们告密就成了！

不!我无法保守更多的秘密了！

我要守你的秘密，我要守他们的秘密，

我自己还有秘密要守！

你才没什么秘密呢！

哦是吗？你就不知道

我睡觉时搂着企鹅哈根斯的秘密吧？

那么，

我们怎样捉弄他们呢？

你就利用室友的身份去探听，

而我，会使用我的杀手锏

那就是我的性感。

孩子们好!

嘿!

好，看着，学着点，

还有别动我的饼干。

嘿.

嘿!

哦，你的外套可真帅！

真的?

面料很柔软——

你好，二头肌先生！

你最近在健身？

我只是尝试把肌肉挤作一堆。

你没什么不妥吧?

你真想知道？我，我不能对你说。

菲比, 我们一向无所不谈。

事实上，我最不能告诉你，

又最想向你倾诉。

什么事?

我和某人朝夕相处，

却发现寻寻觅觅，最好的其实早在身边，

就在这杯咖啡前——

哦，我是否说漏嘴了？

剪不断、理还乱，

费思量

你好可爱！你怎么能这么可爱？

因为我祖父是瑞典人（音同最可爱），

而我祖母是一只小兔子。

现在你越发可爱了！！

今天大家都这么说。

什么?

咖啡馆里出怪事了，

我想菲比爱上我了。

你说什么呢？

我是说，我想菲比认为我很迷人。

不可能!

哦!

抱歉，但是菲比从来都觉得

你可爱但不性感。

哦，听你这么说、我可受不了。

对不起，我想你误会她了。

不，我没误会，她是在泡我！

她抚摩我的二头肌还大喊大叫！

这块二头肌吗？

现在它没有鼓起来！

莫妮卡，你忙什么呢？

要不要跟我们去看电影？

我想去洗衣店。

钱德,要不要跟我一起去？

当然去。

好极了，等一下！

哦，给！

你不介意帮我们带过去吧，

这可帮了我们大忙！多谢！

我没这么多硬币。

我有!

嘿!

嘿 罗斯! 公寓的事谈得怎么样了?

我打电话问过了，那房子丑陋裸男要自行转租

现在大约上百人在申请。

不，我出我的绝招了

我知道不容易不过我刷了一点小聪明

看看，你们可以从窗户里面看到的

哦，是不是那张挂着长弓的弹球机？

不。

新的山地车？

不是。

那你送的什么？

迷你松饼篮。

满桌子都是松饼篮，哪一个是你送的？

小的那个。

什么？！你居然以为一只小小篮子就可以帮你赢得公寓？

没错！

有一次上班，别人送我一篮松饼，

结果所有人都很喜欢吃。

那真是最棒的一天。

你的工作令我悲伤。

哦天啊!我很想要那房子！！

我本以为那一招一定奏效！

12块钱扔水里了！

好了宝贝，我们得赶快，才赶得上电影。

拜拜!

再见钱德!我已开始思念你。

好，这下你看清了？！她捏我屁股！！

我看见了!

现在你信她被我迷住了？

上帝啊！她知道咱们的事了！

当真？

菲比知道了，她在耍我们呢！

这是唯一的解释！

那你怎么解释她捏我屁股、

夸奖我的二头肌发达呢？

她知道了！

乔伊!

什么?

菲比发现我们的事了!

我没告诉她们！

她们?! 她们是谁?

呃,

菲比和乔伊.

乔伊!

和瑞秋.

我本想告诉你们，

但她们要我发誓不泄密！！

哦，你啊你!

对不起！不过，这下

什么事都没有了对吧！

你们可以宣布你们都知道了，

而我也不必再守什么秘密了！

除非

别!别“除非”了！游戏结束了！

哦，她们自以为狡猾想玩我们！

但她们不知道，我们已经知道

她们知道了！那，

对啊，整人的反被整！

哦罗斯,宝贝你别再自讨苦吃了！

对，我们找别的房子好了。

这月我看了一千所房子了，

没有一个能和这个相比！

你知道你该怎么办吗？

嗯？

你应该投其所好。

比如我如果要找乔伊要什么东西，

我会用三明治来作开场白

或者提及我的内裤

我可听着呢。

看见吧?

好点子!

我了解丑陋裸男，因为我们已经观察他五年了

我又有优势了！

我想想看，他曾有一张蹦床，

后来被他踩破了

他买了双重力靴

也被他穿破了

就是说他喜欢弄破东西

我要去接班了——

我一定能想出他的嗜好的。

嘿，他以前不是喂过猫吗？

我不提这事，他只会让猫在外流浪。

可怜的猫，他从没去接过它回家。

你好!

是的，别挂电话，她在这儿！

是钱德.

你好吗。

你好菲比,我整天想着你。

嗯?

昨天你说了那番话，我不可能毫不动心。

当真?

对，听着，乔伊今晚不在，

你过来，我让你好好摸摸我的二头肌

或者到处摸摸。

我呆会再联络你，好，拜拜！

天啊，他让我过去摸他的二头肌和全身！

你开玩笑?!

没有!

想不到他竟然背着莫妮卡乱搞——

乔伊,他们知道我们知情了吗？

他们不知道

乔伊!

他们知道你们知道了

呃,我就说嘛

哦，不敢相信他们俩这样对我们！

天啊，他们还想耍我们！他们想耍我们！

他们不知道我们知道他们知道我们知道了！

乔伊, 你什么都不准说！

我有这心也没这胆。

晚上好先生，我叫罗斯?盖勒

我也申请了求租这间公寓。

我知道竞争激烈，不过，

抱歉，我忍不住注意到你全身赤裸

我为你喝彩，我真希望自己也脱光光

这样看起来棒极了

上帝的本意就是要我们赤诚相对

她们吓傻了！

对, 她们退缩了！

没错!

好吧，好吧！他想约会对吧，那就和他约会。

好，我去。

好，骚一点。

得了吧还用你教

钱德, 我今晚准来。

真的吗?

一定来。七点如何？

好。

好，期待着和你进行性的交流。

看！丑陋裸男有了个裸体朋友！

对啊!

天啊，那是我们的朋友！

是裸体的罗斯!

演出开始了!

瑞秋,给我来点香水！

好！

乔伊,给我一瓶酒和两只杯子！

好极了！你就假装真想和她上床，

这会吓死她！

我能和她疯到什么限度？

放松点，她肯定会先投降的！

你怎知?!

因为你在我队里！我的队总是赢家！

这种事上也赢?!

上！放心上！

好了宝贝，我就在这里偷听！

好

可以了吗?

哇喔，等等!

好主意!

等一下!

哦，别暴露太多！

菲比.

钱德.

进来吧

正有此意

嗯，我带来美酒，共饮一杯如何？

乐意之极。

我们这样亲密，紧张吗？

我？不紧张，你呢？

不，我求之不得。

我也是

来点音乐？

我来为你跳支舞

你看来非常美

谢谢！听你这么说，

我真想扒光你的衣裳

我们去卧室怎样？

真的?

哦，你不想吗？

不！不，只不过，

我想先脱光自己的衣裳，

让你用乳液搽满我全身

听来很棒，我这就去拿乳液

事情失控了！

她想让我给她全身擦上乳液！

她在虚张声势！

她不会退缩的！她这样勾引我！

我吓不着他！他去拿乳液了！

你们怎么还没搞完？！

我想坐回我的椅子！

乔伊，你这样想，菲比越快搞定钱德，

这事就越早结束。一切就都清楚了！

我喜欢这样!

好!给他看你的胸罩，

他最怕这招，他应付不来的！

哇，你没解扣子也能做到。

又不是第一次做

你回去引诱她，直到她认输！

好，我镇定一下再去。

你趁机打扫洗手间了？

还用说！

你，你要走吗？

你不走我才不走呢，爱人

看，这是我的胸罩

非常，非常漂亮

过来

非常高兴能和你上床

那当然，我的身体极富柔韧性

我现在要亲你了

我先亲你

当务之急是接个吻

这就来了

我们的初吻

够了！你赢了！我不能和你上床！

为什么不行?!

因为我爱莫妮卡!!

你什么?!

我爱她! 没错！我就是爱她！我爱她！！

我爱你, 莫妮卡.

我也爱你，钱德.

我，我只知道你们俩上过床了

但我不知道你们相爱了！

老兄!

向菲比脱帽致敬. 你是强有力的竞争对手

你的胸脯至今还露在外面哦

天啊!

好吧！这下真相大白了！人人都知道了！

事实上罗斯还不知道

请大家不要告诉他

就是这里，新的罗斯将在新的住处诞生.

我一旦搬家

就会请您和所有同事过来

能看到你重新振作，我非常高兴

我是振作了，

过去的所有愤怒都已离我而去

我想是时候欢迎你重新归队，

回到博物馆的研究组里来了吧？

唐纳德，那可太棒了。

我已整装待发，准备回去工作。我——

什么?

不!

你在干什么?!!

离我妹妹远点!!!!!!!!!!!!!

515 The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey

[Scene: The hallway, Ross is running up the stairs. Note: This show continues where the last one left off.]

Ross: Chandler!!! Chandler!!! (He opens the door to the apartment but is stopped by the chain; Chandler and Monica quickly stop making out and try to get dressed.) Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here!

Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)

Monica: What are you doing?!

Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lamb.

Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?

(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)

Ross: What the hell are doing?!!

Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!

Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.

Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!

Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!

Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.

Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too.

(There's a brief pause.)

Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!

Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while.

(There's another pause as Ross gets angry again.)

Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!

Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react.

(Pause.)

Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.)

Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey, you know what I just realized? If you guys ever have kids…

Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! We're having kids?!

Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!

Ross: You can't just call Godfather. Don't you think her brother should be Godfather?

Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.

Monica: Guys, you're a few steps ahead of us.

Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.

Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.

Phoebe: Ooh, I'll go in on that with you! I couldn't think of anything.

Rachel: Okay.

(A girl enters.)

Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.

Katie: Hi!

All: Hi!

Joey: So, are you ready to go?

Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)

Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?

Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.

Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.)

(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)

Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!

Joey: I don't know. I mean I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but…

Monica: But what?

Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.

(They all laugh.)

Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?

Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-she's hurting me.

Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?

Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.

Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's unpacking after moving in. There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]

Ross: (opens it to reveal Phoebe) Hey!

Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.

Ross: Aww.

Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.

Ross: Huh.

Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.

Ross: Ohh.

Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, y'know.

Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.

Phoebe: Yeah!

(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Ross's apartment.)

Guy: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Guy: Welcome to the building. I'm uh, Steve Sarah; I'm president of the tenants committee.

Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.

Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.

Phoebe: Mr. President.

Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.

Ross: Howard?

Steve: Yeah, he's the handy man. He's gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.

Ross: Oh that's nice.

Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or…

Ross: Oh. Uhh…

Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)

Ross: No-no, it's not that, it's just… I-I just moved in.

Steve: Well, the guy's worked here for 25 years.

Ross: Yes, but I've lived here for 25 minutes.

Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)

Ross: No wait, look. Look! I'm sorry, it's just I've never even met Howard. I-I mean I don't know Howard.

Steve: Howard's the handy man!

Ross: Yes but too me he's just, man.

Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!

Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is lamenting to Chandler and Rachel about his troubles in his new building.]

Ross: …so then President Steve told everyone that I was a cheapskate, and now the whole building hates me! A little kid spit on my knee! Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna throw a party. That's right. For everyone in the building, and I'm gonna sit them down and explain to them, I am not a bad guy. I am not a cheap guy! I'm just a guy who-who stands up for what he believes in. A man with principles.

Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.

Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why don't you just pay the hundred bucks? The party's gonna cost you way more than that.

Ross: It doesn't matter! It's my principles! We're talking about my principles!

Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.

Ross: Oh, they'll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)

Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.

Chandler: Very, very funny, but don't say things like that in front of Monica. I don't want you putting any ideas in her head.

Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monica's head.

Chandler: Wh-wh-why?!

Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.

Chandler: Yeah, so, what's that supposed to mean?!

Rachel: Hey, Chandler, don't freak out! I'm telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. And she's a woman, and she's almost 30, and y'know it's Monica.

Chandler: I don't see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, who's to say what she wants?! I’m right. I'm right. Am I right?

Rachel: No, you're right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.

Chandler: Okay. It's not different at all, is it?

Rachel: Not unless different means the same.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is sitting on the couch with Katie.]

Katie: You were so funny with that waiter! You're such a nut! (She slaps her thighs, Joey jerks, and spills some of his coffee.)

Joey: (sets the coffee down) Y'know, breadstick fangs are always funny.

Katie: No, you make them funny. You're the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)

Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someone's hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.

Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are curled up on one of the chairs.]

Monica: Isn't this great?

Chandler: Hmm.

Monica: Couldn't you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldn't you just stay here forever?

Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, y'know where-where ever. (Gets up.)

Monica: Are you okay?

Chandler: Yeah, I'm cool. Casual.

Monica: What-what are you doing?

Chandler: I'm just hanging out. Y'know, having fun. Y'know with the girl that I'm seeing casually.

Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!

Chandler: What?!

Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.

Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?

Monica: Oh and you know what I want!

Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!

Monica: I do not have baby fever!

Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything that's related to babies and-and marriage! I've got an idea, why don't we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!

Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isn't about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!

Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!

Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)

Chandler: Well, I did not know that.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is getting advice from Ross and Joey.]

Chandler: It's gonna be okay, right? I mean she's not gonna leave me? This is, this is fixable.

Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.

Chandler: By me?

Ross: Oh, no!

Joey: No-no.

Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.

Joey: Yeah, big!

(Monica enters.)

Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.

Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?

Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)

Monica: I'm still not done not wanting to talk to you.

Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.

Monica: What?!

Chandler: Well, that's what we do. Y'know, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then y'know you think I'm all cute again.

Monica: Really? I'm really tired of being your relationship tutor. You're gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Y'know what? If you're too afraid to be in a real relationship, then don't be in one. (She walks out.)

(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)

[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.]

Party Guests: (chanting) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (Ross goes to investigate the noise) Howard! Howard! Howard! (They're holding Howard above their heads.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! (He sees Phoebe chanting along with them.) Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Yay!!

Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)

Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!

Ross: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out it’s a party for Howard. He's just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)

Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!

Ross: You chipped in?!

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.

Ross: Phoebe! I can't believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!

Phoebe: Yeah, but they didn't ask me! Y'know? This way I'm just y'know, the exotic, generous stranger. That's always fun to be.

Ross: Yeah, but you're making me look bad!

Phoebe: No I'm not. No! If anything I'm making you look better! They'll see you talking to me and that's--I'm a hit!

Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!

Phoebe: Hey!

Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebe's more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.)

(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is getting some coffee as Joey enters. He's looking a little puffy, but that's probably from the large number of different color sweaters he's wearing.]

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look…big.

Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?

Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But it's not obvious why.

Joey: Well look, I’m breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Y'know? I mean, if she hits me when she's happy, can you imagine how hard she's gonna hit me when I tell her I'm taking away the Joey love?

Katie: (entering) Hi!

Joey: Hey! Hiya!

Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!

Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)

Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!")

Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Y'know what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)

Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)

Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)

Katie: You're so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)

Rachel: Ohh, you're so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)

Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.

Joey: Huh.

Katie: Well? Aren't you gonna do something?

Joey: Uhh….

Katie: You'd better do something, or I'm gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?

Joey: Nah.

(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After she's left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)

[Scene: Howard's party, Phoebe is talking Ross up to two more partygoers. Ross isn't happy about it.]

Ross: (trying to get her attention) Phoebe?

Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)

Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?

Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)

Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Can't I please just go?

Phoebe: No! No! I'm talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?

(They go to the food table.)

Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?

Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Y'know, try to get some sympathy.

Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)

Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Y'know, we should talk about that because I don't totally understand what happened there.

Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!

Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howard's cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?

(Steve goes over to look at Ross who's trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)

Steve: 3-B!

All: Oh yeah, aww!

Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyone's fun! Don't you think it's time you went home?!

Guest #3: Yeah, leave!

All: Yeah, get out! Now!

Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!

Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you don't like him! He-he didn't give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and he's wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-I'll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didn't like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that he's really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all I'm saying is don't judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you y'know Kurt, I thought, y'know abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, who're a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross and Phoebe have been banished to Ross's place.]

Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.

Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler comes running in. Everyone else is already there.]

Chandler: Where's Monica?! Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?

Monica: (raising her hand) I'm Monica.

Chandler: I need to talk to you, it's urgent!

Monica: Okay.

Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)

Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!

Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica…

Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!

Chandler: Will you marry me?

(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)

Ross: Oh-no. No. No.

Joey: What a bad idea!

Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.)

Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?

Chandler: I don't know. But I know I'm not afraid to do this.

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: I'm doing this because I'm sorry?

Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth y'know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?

Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.

Chandler: Yeah, I'm kinda wishing everyone wasn't here right now.

Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!

Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)

Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: She's right y'know.

Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!

Monica: Y'know what? Y'know when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, you're not ready for that.

Chandler: I didn't think I was!

(They hug.)

Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?

Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Everyone is there.]

Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?

Ross: No, I will not!

Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.

Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me?

(They all laugh.)

Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But I'm not sure, Chandler?

Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.

Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.

Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, I'm sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. They're just staring at him in shock.)

Chandler: That's not funny.

Joey: That's not funny at all!

(They all get up and leave.)

End

515 敲打乔伊的女孩

姓钱的!

我全都看见了！

你竟敢对我妹妹下手！

给我滚出来!

哇，听着，我们很恩爱

长达4个——哦，5个月之久

好多人一辈子也没有这么多欢乐时光

再见了，你保重

你干嘛？

我要跑路了

怕什么，钱德，

说服罗斯还不是小菜一碟

你等一下

什么事，哥哥

你们在搞什么飞机

出什么事了？

罗斯发现了我和莫妮的奸情

伙计，你怎么当着他的面这么说！

我一直当你是我最好的朋友！

她可是我妹妹!

我最好的朋友、泡我妹妹！

我不敢相信!

我们并不是鬼混而已

我爱她

对，我们在恋爱

很抱歉，让你这样发现

但他没撒谎，我也爱他

最好的朋友和我妹妹好上了

我真不能相信!

你们不拥抱一下吗？

这可是个好消息!

不抱了，其实我们知道好一阵子了

什么？你们都知道？

你们都知道，就只瞒着我？

我们担心你的反应嘛

你们都担心我

不知道我会有什么反应？

够了

我们都回避一下，

让这对小鸳鸯办完事如何

我说说而已，泡你妹妹的可是他！

我刚刚想起来

将来你们生了小孩

什么？我们生孩子？

我要当他的教父！

你说当就当啊

我是近水楼台，当然我当

真想当你就得报名

诸位,你们扯远了

是啊,这一步迈太大了,就像登月的第一步

我想好送你们什么结婚礼物了

我跟你一起送,我还没想到送什么礼物

好

凯蒂

各位，她叫凯蒂

准备好出发了吗

恩,我得先去趟洗手间

在那边

午餐上哪儿吃呢

中国菜怎么样？

我喜欢中餐!

你怎么知道我喜欢中餐的？

她很可爱

你可以把她装在口袋里到处走

是吗，我是喜欢她，她很乖，但

我不知道我很喜欢她,她也很好,但——

什么?

她一直捶我

又不是真打你，她只是撒娇罢了

捶在身上很痛的！

我要受内伤了

我明白你需要什么了

你需要请个保镖

让班在幼儿园放学后

就给他当保镖怎么样

别闹了，乔伊有困难，

人家被小妹妹欺负呢

乔伊乖，过来

亲爱的，我知道你很难办

对不起，我弄疼你了吗？

我带了礼物，恭贺乔迁之喜

盐，为你的生活添滋味

面包，让你远离饥饿

还有盥洗室适用的香味蜡烛

你知道它派什么用场对吧

谢谢，非常感谢

欢迎入住，我是居委会主任Steve Sarah

罗斯盖勒，这是我朋友，菲比

菲比你好

主任好

我来跟你讲讲Howard的事

他是这里的勤杂工，下星期退休

这里的住户为了感谢他的辛勤劳动，

好主意

你是签支票，还是？

你不用马上掏钱，呆会

塞到我门缝底下就可以了

不是时间的问题

我才刚搬进来

他在这里服务25年了

对，但我才来住了25分钟而已

好，我明白了

别走! 我很抱歉，但我

和Howard没打过照面

我压根不认识他

Howard是勤杂工

是，但他对我而言，只是个陌生人罢了

好，算了，总之

欢迎入住本大厦

这人可真是异想天开！

是啊，我喜欢他的眼镜

之后Steve主任就到处讲我吝啬

现在整幢大厦都讨厌我

还有小孩朝我膝盖上吐口水

猜我怎么办

我会办个盛大的派对，

邀请大厦里所有人参加

我要和他们坐下来好好谈谈，

让他们知道我不是坏蛋

我不抠门，

我只是坚持信念而已

我是个有原则的人

听来是个好玩的派对

要讨邻居们的欢心，

开派对花费多得多

不是钱的问题

我要坚持原则!

懂吗，处事原则不能变！

我还以为你只是想讨好邻居

他们会喜欢我的，

只要他们来参加我办的派对

我得走了，去搞个名牌来带

那个派对疯子将是你的舅子

有趣。不过请别在莫妮面前提这碴

我可不想你们给她灌输什么想法

钱德，你说莫妮会不会

早有什么想法了？

怎么讲？

哎，因为她爱你，因为你也爱她

相爱又如何？

钱德你别怕，我要说的

其实你也都清楚

她离开理查德，只是因为他不想要孩子

她是个女人，年近30。

而且你了解莫妮的

我没这么想过

我看到两个莫妮

一个是住在对面的我的朋友，

热衷生小孩

一个则是全新的莫妮，我的约会对象

她要什么、难道我会不了解？

我对她的看法是对的

我是对的，对吧

你是对的

你当然对了，那还用问。

她和以前完全不同了

其实没什么“不同”，对吧

除非“不同”等于“相同”

你跟那侍应生一起，好有趣。

你这个小笨蛋

哪儿的侍应生都很有趣

不，因为你、他才那么好玩

有趣的是你！

凯蒂，我们得谈谈

我喜欢你。我真的，很喜欢你

但有时候你开玩笑，捶我一拳

我就有被什么小而结实的球棒

击中的感觉

我打伤你了吗？

你还不是取笑我不够大

以后不许再拿我开玩笑!

棒吧？

恩

你会永远这么可爱吗

永远陪在我身边，好吗

好啊，陪你天涯海角

你没事吧？

我很好

很放松

你什么意思？

我谈恋爱而已啊，

和我喜欢的女孩找乐子

我就知道你会这样！

哪样？

大家一拿婚姻开玩笑，

你就惊慌了!

哎，你的确有那些想法对吧

哼，你会知道我想什么？

对! 你想生宝宝，你有小孩狂热症!

胡说！

你渴望结婚生子

与此相关的一切事，你都很狂热

厨师小姐，我们冷静一下好不好

不冷静的是你

问题不在我。是你害怕承诺

算了，我了解你，我知道你都想些什么

你什么也不知道

今晚我要跟瑞秋出去，而不是跟你，

这你不知道吧？

要说小孩，这里唯一的小孩就是你

我现在连看都不愿看你一眼，

你又知道吗

我不知道

我们会没事的，对吧

她不会因此离开我，这矛盾是可调和的

是啊，当然咯

我应该认错？

不

你得非常真诚的道歉才有用

对，要非常真诚

她来了!

阿甘，一杯咖啡

带走

我还是不想跟你说话

我该怎样做,我们才能和好？

什么?

我们不是一直这样吗？

我犯错以后你就告诉我怎么改

我改好了你就又喜欢我了

是吗，可我不想教你怎么谈恋爱了

你自己想清楚吧

假如你害怕真正的交往

就别再烦我

Howard! Howard!

菲比

嗨，罗斯!

你在这里做什么？

我来参加你的派对，

没想到这是Howard的派对

他十分可爱

再见了，菲比

谢谢你慷慨解囊

你捐钱了？

恩，捐了100块

真不能相信，你居然给他们钱

我本以为你也反对

他们找我收钱呢

但他们没找我收钱

我只是摆阔的陌生人而已，很有趣

但你的做法让我更没面子了

不，我没有! 我的用意是给你脸上争光

他们看到你跟我说话，你就——

哇，我是大红人

嘿，菲比!

嘿，罗斯

也许你们俩可以换房子住，

菲比才是我们的同类

考虑考虑吧

我错了

你……强壮多了

谢谢，我一直在健身

看得出来吗，我穿了六件衣服

看不出，为什么穿那么多

我打算跟凯蒂分手，

所以穿上特别的护甲

想想看，她高兴时打我都那么痛

当我表示要跟她分手，她还不使蛮劲？

嘿，很可爱的外套

谢谢，你嘴真甜

嗷！

乔伊把他的口头禅教你了？

你们真过分!

凯蒂，

过分的是你!

乔伊的朋友可真够意思

乔伊的女朋友也很够意思

你嘴甜!

你才甜呢!

她踢我！

你不帮我？

你再不出手，我马上走人！

帮还是不帮？

不

糟糕透了，我要走了！

别，我正跟大家讲你的好话呢

给我点时间，放松点，去吃点东西

你跟他们说我什么事

说了你和爱米丽的事

赚取同情分

结果他们觉得你是坏人

什么?

我好象没讲对

我们理一下事情的来龙去脉，

因为我并不是很清楚你们的纠葛

这蛋糕真好吃!

你会慢慢愉快起来的

天啊! 有人偷吃Howard的蛋糕

谁这么不要脸

3楼B座的家伙！

你吃白食，你扫大家的兴

你还不赶快滚回家去！

滚回3楼B座去！

各位，冷静！我有话要说

谁喜欢罗斯？

当然你们都不喜欢他

他不捐钱

在我刚才发问时，只有他自己举手

而且他还带两个名牌！

老实说，我第一次见到罗斯时，

我也一点都不喜欢他！

直到我了解他后，我才发现他其实很可爱

体贴而且慷慨

试着去了解罗斯，不要妄下定论

这正像我对在座诸位的看法。

现在我喜欢你们。但初次见面时

Kurt, 我当你是个醉鬼

Lola呢

迟钝麻木

至于你们，你像用美人计骗钱的女人

你则是老牛吃嫩草

现在你们明白我的意思了吧

真没想到他们会扔烂番茄

我本打算把他们挨个羞辱一番，

然后你跳出来为他们说好话

充好汉

好办法！可惜我没想到

莫妮呢？我要跟她谈谈，很急

我是莫妮

我要跟你谈谈，急事

我一直在考虑我们的事

我想了很多

我想补救的唯一方法是

你干嘛？

别那样

你愿意嫁给我吗？

馊主意

看不下去了

你干吗求婚

我不知道

但我现在知道了，求婚不可怕

我求婚是因为我很抱歉

你认为结婚的最佳理由是“抱歉”？

最好的理由应该是“怀孕”

“抱歉”排第四位，第2位是“准备好了”；

第3位是“真心想结婚”

做我妻子，好吗？

你用脑子想想，这有多荒谬

真希望大家什么都没看见

这次吵架完全不是因我而起！

我从没说过我要结婚生子!

是啊，但我不能确定，

所以找他们请教

找谁请教？离婚两次的家伙？还有乔伊？

她说得对

就算对，也太刻薄了

还记得我说过

让你自己想清楚吗？

我看你还没这个能力

的确是的

天啊

刚才我若答应你求婚，你会怎样做？

也许，我会非常开心

因为能和我心爱的女人共度余生

也许，你现在会看到大门上

有我落跑时撞出的大洞

把刀递给我好吗？

不好！

不递算了，凶什么

是啊，很抱歉，你愿意嫁给我吗？

我想跟你求婚，因为上星期我还没跟你问好

那么点小事，要求同居就够了。

对吧，钱德

你们还要闹多久

他们笑你多久

和你做的事有多蠢成正比，

他们会笑很久的

有趣!

记得我总说”我们分手了！”吗

抱歉，你愿意嫁给我吗

不好笑

一点也不好笑

516 The One With A Cop

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica and Chandler are sitting on one of the chairs doing a crossword puzzle.]

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Joey: What are you guys doing up?

Chandler: Oh, we wanted to finish the crossword before we went to bed. Hey, do you know a six-letter word for red?

Joey: (thinks) Dark red.

Chandler: Yeah, I think that's wrong, but there's a Connect the Dots in here for you later. (To Monica) Hey, how about maroon?

Monica: (checks to see if it works) Yes, you are so smart! (Kisses him.)

Joey: Aww, you guys are so cute!

Monica: I know.

Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.

Chandler and Monica: Okay.

[Scene: Joey's bedroom, time lapse. He's asleep and dreaming. In his dream he's doing the crossword puzzle with…wait for it…Monica!]

Dream Monica: Y'know, I love doing crossword puzzles with you honey!

Dream Joey: Aww, me too. Now let's finish this and go to bed.

Dream Monica: Okay! There's only one left, three letter word, not dog but…

Dream Joey: Cat.

Dream Monica: Yes! You are so smart! (Kisses him.) I love you.

Dream Joey: I love you too.

(They hug.)

[Cut back to Joey in bed, he's smiling, enjoying the dream as he wakes up. Suddenly, he realized what he was dreaming about and bolts upright in bed.]

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross and Joey. Gunther hands them the bill, and Chandler gives some money to pay it.]

Rachel: (looking at the bill) Uhh, we still need a tip.

Phoebe: All right. Hold on. (She starts digging in the chair.) I got it. Nickel! (Donates it.) How much more do we need?

Rachel: A couple of bucks.

Phoebe: Okay, dime! (Donates that.) You guys should probably keep talking; this could take a while. (Finds something else.) Oh no, wait! Look it! Whoa! (Looks at it.) Oh my God, this is a police badge!

Monica: Wow!

Chandler: Oh that's so cool! Why would a cop come in here though? They don't serve donuts. (No one laughs.) Y'know what actually, could you discover the badge again? I think I can come up with something better than that.

Rachel: Phoebe, I bet somebody's missing that badge.

Phoebe: Yeah, I should probably take it back. Ooh, but you know what? While I'm at the police station, I could check their Ten Most Wanted lists because my friend Fritzy has been like number 11 forever, so this could be her year! (She crosses her fingers in hope.)

Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!

Chandler: Hey!

Rachel: Hey Joey!

Monica: Hey.

Joey: (To Monica) Hey. That uh, that my sweatshirt?

Monica: Oh yes, it is. I'm sorry I borrowed it, I was cold. I hope its okay?

Joey: Well uh, it's just that uh, y'know if-if you're gonna be wearing someone's sweatshirt shouldn't it be your boyfriends--and I’m not him.

Monica: I'm sorry, I'll give it back to you.

Joey: No-no! No! I mean it's gonna be all smelling like Monica!

Monica: Are you saying I smell bad?

Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)

Monica: What's with him?

Chandler: Oh, y'know what? The last time Joey went to a meadow, his mother was shot by a hunter.

[Scene: A couch store, Ross is trying to decide on a new couch for his place. He has dragged Rachel along for the trip, and she's not too happy about it. Ross is sitting on it in different ways to see how it feels. He tries to just sit on it normally, and then he tries flopping on it. One thing about this couch, it's huge. It's like twice the size of a normal full size couch. Whoever designed this thing, needs help and fast.]

Rachel: (disgusted at Ross's antics) Ugh!

Ross: (To Rachel) Yeah, I still don't know. (To the salesman who is hovering nearby) I'm sorry I just wanna make sure that I bought the right couch. I need a couch that says, "Kids welcome here." But that also says, (In a sexy voice) "Come here to me!"

Rachel: What?! You say that to kids?!!

Ross: No! No! No! The "Come here to me" is y'know for the ladies.

Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch. It's not a magic couch.

The Salesman: You picked a great couch.

Ross: Yeah?

The Salesman: Yeah. Could you just sign right here please? (Hands him a clipboard.)

Ross: Oh, sure. Whoa-whoa, what's this? The delivery charge is almost as much as the couch!

Rachel: Wait! No, that's ridiculous. Come on, he lives three blocks away!

Ross: Yeah, y'know what? I'll take it myself, thank you! (He signs the form and hands it back to the salesman.) All right Rach, let's go! (He picks up one end of the couch.)

Rachel: Yeah! (She puts on her coat and turns around and sees Ross is expecting her to help.) (Laughing.) Are you kiddin'?

Ross: Oh, come on it's only three blocks! And-and, it's not very heavy, try it! Come on! Come on!

Rachel: (Disgustedly she goes and tries to pick up the couch. Much to her amazement, she is successful.) Oh. Oh! I can do it!

Ross: Yeah!

The Salesman: You two are really gonna enjoy that couch.

Ross: Oh yeah, we're uh, yeah we're not together. (He starts backing out of the store.)

The Salesman: Ohh, okay. (Laughs.) Something didn't quite add up there. (Ross stops, walks back to talk to the salesman, and in the process pushes Rachel up against a wall.)

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: What's that supposed to mean?

Rachel: Ross!

The Salesman: Well you, her, I mean, she's very…y'know. And you're like…y'know.

Ross: Not that it's any of your business, but we did go out.

The Salesman: Really? You two?

Ross: Yeah! Rach?

Rachel: Come on, I don't really want to be doing this right now. I am carrying a very heavy couch.

Ross: Then tell him quickly.

Rachel: (To Ross) Fine! (To the salesman) We went out.

Ross: Not only did we go out, we did it 298 times!

Rachel: Ross!! Oh my--ugh!! You kept count?! You are such a loser!

Ross: A loser you did it with (To the salesman) 298 times!

(Rachel pushes on the couch and pushes Ross out the door.)

[Scene: Outside of Central Perk, Phoebe is exiting and sees a woman put out her cigarette on a tree.]

Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am?

The Smoking Woman: Yes?

Phoebe: You can't put your cigarette out on a tree!

The Smoking Woman: Yeah I can, it worked real well.

Phoebe: No but you shouldn't! Don't ever do that again.

The Smoking Woman: I won't! (Turns away) Until I have my next cigarette.

Phoebe: Hold it! (Grabs the badge) N.Y.P.D! Freeze punk!

The Smoking Woman: What?!

Phoebe: Yeah that's right you are so busted. (To no one in particular.) Book 'em.

The Smoking Woman: Who are you talking too?

Phoebe: Save it Red! Unless you wanna spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.

The Smoking Woman: I am not going to apologize to a tree!

Phoebe: You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup. (The woman calls her bluff.) (Screaming at no one in particular) Backup! Backup!!

The Smoking Woman: I-I'm sorry! Sorry.

Phoebe: Okay, cancel backup! Cancel backup!

[Scene: Ross's building's lobby, he and Rachel are about to attempt to take the couch upstairs.]

Ross: Okay. (Throws off the last cushion.)

Rachel: Ross, didn't you say that there was an elevator in here?

Ross: Uhh, yes I did but there isn't. Okay, here we go.

(They start the attempt. Ross is going backwards and reaches the first landing. This staircase has three steps then a landing, makes a 90-degree turn, and has more steps before another landing and another 90-degree turn.)

Ross: Okay, go left. Left! Left! (The bottom of the couch is hitting the railing.)

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? There is no more left, left!

Ross: Oh okay, lift it straight up over your head! Straight up over your head! You can do it! You can do it! (She gets it lifted up and they make the first turn.) Okay. You got it?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Good-good-good.

Rachel: Oh-oh!

(She can't stay at the end as the couch rounds the turn so she shifts to the back corner of the couch and is at a 90-degree angle to it.)

Ross: Yeah, you got it right? You got it right? You got it?

(She don't got it as the couch slips out of their grips and falls over the bottom railing.)

Rachel: Any chance you think the couch looks good there?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling Chandler and Monica how she fought crime in her own way with the badge she found.]

Phoebe: …so this guy was all (Mumbles.) And I'm all, Buffay, Homicide. (Flashes the badge.) It was just so cool!

Monica: (cooking something) Phoebe, you were supposed to take that back!

Phoebe: I know but I'm having so much fun doing good deeds.

Chandler: Okay, but impersonating a police officer is a serious thing. You could get arrested.

Phoebe: You could get arrested, right now! (Flashes the badge and they glare at her.) All right, yeah, I gotta take it back. I'm totally drunk with power. (She heads for the door just as Joey enters.)

Phoebe: (To Joey) Hey.

Joey: (To Phoebe) Hey! (Sees that Monica's there.) Oh.

Chandler: Hi, Joe.

Joey: Yeah, I didn’t know you guys were going to be here.

Monica: Hey Joey, sweetie, taste this. (Holds out a spoon for him.)

Joey: (backing away) What?! Why?!

Monica: What is going on with you?

Joey: Nothing!

Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day!

Joey: All right! There is something. I kinda had a dream, (pause) but I don't want to talk about it. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what-what if Martin Luther King had said that? (Imitating what his famous speech would sound like.) I kinda have a dream! I don’t want to talk about it.

Joey: Well, it involved Monica.

Chandler: You had a dream about a girl that I am seeing?! Oh, that is so cool! (To Monica) I can't tell you how many times I've dreamt about a girl that he was seeing. (Seeing Monica's stare.) (To Joey) Anyway we're talking about your dream. (To Monica) I love you. (To Joey) Your dream? (Leans in to listen closely.)

Joey: Don't worry, there wasn't any sex in it or anything. I haven't dreamt about her like that since I found out about you two--ish.

Monica: What was the dream about?

Joey: Well, okay. You were my girlfriend and we were doing the crossword puzzle. Y'know like you guys were doing last night. So, that's it. I'm in love with Monica and I'll be moving out.

Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesn’t mean that-that you're in love with me!

Joey: It-it doesn’t?

Monica: No!

Chandler: No, it can mean anything. Like uh, all of the sudden you're jealous because I've become the apartment stud.

Joey: That kinda sounds like your dream dude.

Monica: Or, it could mean that-that you saw Chandler and me together and we y'know were being close and stuff and then you just want to have that with someone too.

Joey: In the dream I did enjoy the closeness.

Monica: Um-hmm.

Chandler: Joey, look, are you attracted to Monica? Right here, right now, are you attracted to her?

Joey: (looks at her) Not really.

Chandler: Well there you have it!

Monica: Well sure! I'm just wearing sweats! (Looking at Chandler and slowly realizing what his point is.) But that's good that you're not in love with me, because you just want a girlfriend!

Joey: No, I don't think it's just about just getting a girlfriend. Y'know? I mean, yeah, I can get a girlfriend! Yeah, we could sit in the chair and do crosswords, but y'know are we ever going to have y'know the closeness like-like you guys have?

Chandler: Well y'know, Monica and I were friends before we started dating. So maybe-maybe that's it?

Joey: Friends first? That's interesting.

Monica: You become friends after?

Joey: No, never done that either.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, umm, do you guys have that tape measure?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's actually in my bedroom.

(Monica and Chandler both remember a special moment between them.)

Monica: (laughing) That's right.

(They realize the implication of their behavior, stop instantly and head for his bedroom. In the meanwhile, Joey is starring at Rachel in a seductive way.)

Rachel: (noticing him) What's up Joey?

Joey: (in a sexy voice) How you doin'?

(Rachel is stunned.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is walking up and notices a car that is parked half on the curb and right in front of the door, making it difficult for people to enter Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Excuse me, is this your car?

Guy: Yeah.

Phoebe: Well I don't think it's very nice of you to park here, y'know you're blocking the entrance.

Guy: Don't worry about it. It's not a problem.

Phoebe: Well, it's a problem for me, which means it's a problem for you 'cause I'm a cop. (Shows the badge.)

Guy: (he reaches into the car and slams his siren on the roof.) So am I!

Phoebe: Ohh, no. (Pause) Oh okay, so you're a cop which means you can park anywhere, 'cause I know that 'cause I'm a cop too. So, all right, keep up the good work. 10-4. (Tries to leave.)

Cop: (stopping her) Hey, wait a second! So wait, what precinct are you with?

Phoebe: I-I'm with the umm, the 57th.

Cop: Oh, I know a guy in homicide up there.

Phoebe: I'm in vice. Yeah, in fact I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.

Cop: Who-who else is in vice up there?

Phoebe: Umm, do you know, umm Sipowicz?

Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe: Yeah, big guy, kinda bald.

Cop: No, I don't know him.

Phoebe: (starts to walk away, but stops) Don’t try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there, he's out. His umm, his partner just died.

Cop: Wow umm, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.

Phoebe: I-I sure will, take care. (Starts walking off.)

Cop: (following her) Hey by the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good. (Phoebe's stunned) And where did you find my badge?

Phoebe: Oh. (She starts laughing. Then she throws the badge at him and runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering. Rachel is there getting some tools to help Ross out.]

Rachel: Hey! Joey, would you mind giving me and Ross a hand moving his couch?

Joey: Oh, I'd love too, but I got acting class. But y'know what? I guess I can blow that off, (In a sexy voice) for you.

(He starts staring at her longingly.)

Rachel: Thanks!

Joey: Uh, hey, Rach let me ask you something. Uh, I was just over there talking to Monica and Chandler, boy they are really tight.

Rachel: I know.

Joey: Yeah that's not such a bad situation they got going over there. I'm thinking of getting me one of those.

Rachel: What's up Joe?

Joey: Well, the reason I think Monica and Chandler are so great…

Rachel: Yeah?

Joey: …is because they were friends first. Y'know? So I asked myself, "Who are my friends?" You and Phoebe, and I saw you first. So…

Rachel: (laughing) What are you saying?

Joey: I'm saying maybe you and I crank it up a notch.

Rachel: Y'know honey, umm, as uh, as flattered as I am that uh, you saw me first, uhh, I just, I-I don't think we should be cranking anything up.

Joey: I'll treat you real nice. (Pulls out a chair for her.)

Rachel: (laughs and pushes the chair back in) Yeah, well, y'know umm… No honey, listen I think it's a great idea to become friends with someone before you date them, but I think the way you do it is y'know you meet someone, become their friend, build a foundation, then you ask them out on a date. Don't hit on your existing friends!

Joey: Won't-won't that take longer?

Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but once you find it, ohh it's so worth the wait.

Joey: Yeah. I understand. I understand. (Pause) Man, I wish I saw Phoebe first!

[Scene: The lobby of Ross's building, he's sitting on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, and he's practicing enticing women to join him on the couch.]

Ross: Come here to me. No-no, you come here to me.

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross! I brought reinforcements.

Ross: Oh great! What, you brought Joey?

Rachel: Well, I brought the next best thing.

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Ross: Chandler?! You brought Chandler?! The next best thing would be Monica!

Chandler: Y'know, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong, so…

Ross: Look, I-I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. (Showing them) Okay Rach, (points to the sketch) that's you. That's the couch. (Points again.)

Rachel: Whoa-oh, what's-what's that? (Points.)

Ross: Oh, that's me.

Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross: No! That's-that's my arm!

Chandler: (looking at the sketch) Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross: Y'know what? Just-just follow my lead.

(Chandler and Ross head for opposite ends of the couch.)

Rachel: Okay!

Chandler: Okay.

Ross: Come on, Chandler.

(They pick up the couch and after throwing off the last pillow; Rachel helps out on Chandler's end.)

Ross: All right. (They start up the stairs. Ross is first.) Okay, here we go!

(Chandler has moved forward and is now underneath the couch as it heads up the first set of stairs.)

Ross: All right, ready?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: Turn.

Chandler: (straining) Okay.

Ross: Turn! Turn!

(As they turn the couch, Chandler gets sandwiched between the railing and the couch.)

Chandler: Okay, I don't think we can turn anymore!

Rachel: Ross, I don't, I just don't think it's going to fit.

Ross: Oh yeah it will! Come on, up! Up-up-up! Up! Yes! Here we go! Pivot! (They start up the stairs again. Chandler is between the couch and the wall now.) Pivot! Piv-ot! Piv-et!! Piv-ett!!! Piv-et!

Chandler: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!

(They set the couch down.)

Ross: Okay, I don't think it's going to pivot anymore.

Chandler and Rachel: You think?!

Ross: All right, let's uh, let's bring it back down and-and try again.

(As they start back down the couch drops a little bit and gets jammed. They try to free it to no avail.)

Chandler: Okay, yeah, I think it's really stuck now.

Ross: I can't believe that didn't work!

Rachel: I know, me neither! I mean, you had a sketch!

Chandler: Oh, y'know, what did you mean when you said pivot?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is returning and finds Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]

Joey: (entering) Hey!

Rachel: Hey! How's it going? Did you make any new friends?

Joey: Yeah, yeah, I met this woman. (Starts for his room.)

Chandler: (stopping him) Hey, whoa-whoa! What's she like?

Joey: Uhh, well, she's…really good in bed.

Monica: Joey, I thought you were gonna try to be friends first!

Joey: (To Rachel) Well look, hey, it's all your fault!

Rachel: What?! Why?!

Joey: Well because you didn't give me advice! No! You gave me a pickup line! As soon as I told her I wanted to y'know, build a foundation and be friends first. I suddenly, through no fault of my own, became irresistible to her! (Pause) And her roommate!

Monica: What about the closeness?

Joey: Closeness-shmoshness! There was three of us for crying out loud!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering with a pizza and finds everyone but Ross there.]

Joey: (entering) All right! Hey, who wants pizza?!

Chandler: Ooh, I do! I do! I do!

(They all walk over to get a slice.)

Joey: (taking a bite) Oh, great! Can you believe I found it on the second floor?

(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)

Monica: Who is it?

Voice: N.Y.P.D!!

Phoebe and Joey: Oh my God!

Joey: Uhh, just a minute officer!!

(He throws his piece back in the box, runs into the living room, looks for a place to hide the pizza, finds one, slides the box under the couch, sits down on the table, and tries to quickly chew the food in his mouth.)

Cop: I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay!

Phoebe: Ooh, God, it's him! It's that cop! God, I can't believe it! He found me!

Rachel: Oh my God, Phoebe, are you gonna go to jail?!

Phoebe: Well, if I'm going down, I'm taking you (Points at all of them) with me. (They all look at her.) Harboring a fugitive? That's one to three years minimum. Good luck Chandler. (She opens the door to the cop from before.) Okay, you can arrest me. Fine. But you'll never make it stick and you know it!

Cop: Yeah, but I kinda don't have a choice, it's my job. I mean, you understand right?

Phoebe: Yep! As long as you understand that I'm going to call my lawyer and once he puts you on the stand he'll make you look like a fool. A fool!

Cop: I don't like looking foolish. Y'know what? Maybe uh, I don't arrest you today. Maybe I came by and you weren't here.

Phoebe: I would love it if I weren't here!

Cop: Okay, so since umm, you're not going to jail tonight I was wondering if you would like to go to dinner with me?

Phoebe: Me?!

Cop: Yeah. Ever since you flashed my badge at me, I kinda can't stop thinking about you. You're the prettiest, fake undercover whore I've ever seen.

Chandler and Joey: Nice!

Phoebe: Wow! I didn't see that coming! You're-you're asking me out!

Cop: Yeah. I mean, I coulda done it better, but these people keep staring at me.

Phoebe: Umm, yeah, I'd like to go out with you officer…

Cop: Gary.

Phoebe: Gary.

Gary: Okay, so it's a date.

Phoebe: Yeah! So--ooh, I gotta ask you though. How did you know where to find me?

Gary: Well you're fingerprints were all over my badge so I just ran it through the computer and this was listed as your last known address so I just checked it out.

Phoebe: Ohh, impressive.

Gary: Not as impressive as you. I gotta tell you, I looked at your record and you've done some pretty weird stuff.

Phoebe: Yeah, we'll talk at dinner.

Gary: Okay. (He starts to leave.) So I'll come by in a couple hours and pick you up?

Phoebe: All right, I can't wait!

Gary: Okay. And don't worry, I'm not just gonna take you out for donuts.

(Chandler busts out laughing and everyone just looks at him.)

Chandler: (To Rachel) He has a gun!

Closing Credits

[Scene: The couch store, Ross is talking to a saleswoman.]

Ross: I'd like to return this couch. I'm not satisfied with it.

[The camera cuts to show the couch, which has been cut in half.]

The Saleswoman: You wanna return this couch? (Ross nods yes.) It's cut in half!

Ross: That's what I'm telling you.

The Saleswoman: Did you cut this couch in half?

Ross: This couch, is cut in half! I would like to exchange it for one that is not cut in half!

The Saleswoman: You're telling me this couch was delivered to you like this?!

Ross: Look, I am a reasonable man. I will accept store credit.

The Saleswoman: I'll give you store credit in the amount of four dollars.

Ross: (thinks) I take it.

End

516 警察来了

玩什么呢?

我们想睡前完成填字游戏

用六个字母表现红色?

“深红色”（Dark red）

错了，你还是呆会做连点游戏吧

是不是“暗红”（maroon）？

对了! 你真聪明

你们真可爱

我知道

明早见

好

我喜欢跟你一起做填字游戏

我也是

我们填完它，再去睡觉

好，只差一个了

三个字母，不是“dog”

那是"cat"

你真聪明

我爱你

我也爱你

还得付小费

好．等等

摸到了

五分镍币！还差多少？

再来几块钱

好，一角硬币

你们多聊会吧，摸钱需要花时间的

等等！看！

是个警察徽章

帅！不过条子来这里干嘛？这又不卖甜甜圈

（左手咖啡右手甜甜圈似乎是北美警察的标志，

因为这两样东西对警察免费供应）

你把徽章放回去好吗? 我来摸个更好的东西

菲比，肯定有人在找它

对，我该送还警察局

不过到警察局我先要

看看他们的十大逃犯榜

我朋友Fritzy总排在第11位

今年该轮到她风光了!

各位好

嘿，乔伊

你穿我的T恤？

对．抱歉我很冷，所以穿你的衣服。

你不介意吧？

没事。不过，如果你想穿别人的T恤

不是应该穿你男朋友的吗

我又不是你男朋友

抱歉．我还给你

已经沾上莫妮卡的味道了

我很臭?

你闻起来像草地

抱歉

他怎么了?

上次乔伊去草地

他妈妈被猎人打中了

我还是不确定

对不起，我只想确信

我没选错沙发。我希望它不但吸引

”孩子来坐”

而且能放电说，”坐我边上来“

什么? 你对孩子放电？

不。后一句是对女人的邀请

亲爱的，这沙发不错

但它不会魔法

你选了张很棒的沙发

是吗?

是

您能在这儿签字吗？

好

什么？运输费快赶上沙发的价钱了！

简直荒谬！他家就过去几个路口！

我自己提货，谢谢

瑞秋，开动！

好！

你说笑?

别这样．三个路口而已。

不太重．试试！

噢，我搬得动

这沙发会舒服死你们

是啊

我们不住一起

好吧

你们俩居然不是一对

-罗斯！

什么意思?

-罗斯！

哎,你,她

我是说，她很

那什么……

而你，又很

那什么……

虽然那不关你什么事

不过我们真的交往过

真的？ 你们俩？

是。对吧,瑞秋?

我现在不想谈这个

我扛着很重的沙发

那快回答他

好吧，我们交往过

不止如此，我们

做过298次！

罗斯！

你一直在数?

你这窝囊废!

一个跟你做了298次的窝囊废

抱歉,女士

恩？

你不能在树上摁熄香烟

我当然可以

那很有效

但你不该这样干

下不为例

好吧

下根烟再说

站住！

纽约警察！不许动！女阿飞！

什么?

没错，你被逮捕了！

记下来

你在吩咐谁？

-少罗嗦!

向树道歉

否则今晚就在监狱里过

我不会向一棵树道歉

现在就道歉！

否则我就呼后援

后援!后援

抱歉!很抱歉

好，取消后援!取消后援

你不是说这里有电梯的吗

我是说过，但结果没有。

好，我们上去

好，往左

左

够了，不能再左了

高举过头！

举高点，你能行的

你能行的

好，明白怎么转弯了？

明白了

好好好

哦

你能稳住吗？

你觉得沙发摆那里好看吗？

犯人蔫了

而我，"布菲"! 女邢警！

太帅了！

菲比,你该物归原主

我知道。但我做好事上瘾了

假扮警察、这罪可非同小可

你会被捕的

你现在就有可能被捕！

好吧，我还回去。

我被权力冲昏了头脑

嘿！

嘿!哦

嗨,乔

对．我不知道你们会在这

帮我尝尝

什么? 干吗?

你怎么了?

没事！

别装了，你今天很怪

唉，我是心里有鬼

我做了个梦

但我不想谈

是马丁?路德?金那个段子吗？

我有一个梦想

但我不想说

我梦到莫妮卡

你梦见我的女朋友？酷

我梦到他交往过的女孩们

不知道多少次

我们来谈谈你的梦

我爱你．

你的梦?

别怕，不是春梦

自从你们俩好上了，

我做梦就规矩多了

你梦见什么？

你是我女朋友

我们在玩填字游戏

就像你们昨晚那样

就是这样．我爱上了莫妮卡

我要远走他乡

乔伊，别傻！

那不代表你爱上了我

不是吗?

那可以代表很多意思，例如

你突然妒忌我

成了一家之主

你做梦

或是意味着，你看到我和钱德一起，

那么亲密

所以你也想有段亲密关系

在梦里我的确很享受亲密的感觉

你很喜欢莫妮卡?

此时此刻，说，你喜欢她吗?

没感觉

就是嘛

你当然不会有感觉!

我都没打扮

不过幸好

你没爱上我

你可是要找个女朋友

没那么简单

我是可以找个女朋友

坐下来一起玩填字游戏

但我们能像你们一样亲密吗?

莫妮和我恋爱前是朋友

所以我们才这么亲密吧

先当朋友?

那很有趣

你是分手后再当朋友吗？

从没有过

你们有卷尺吗?

有．但在我房里

没错

怎么了，乔伊

你好吗?

抱歉．是你的车吗?

别停这里

堵塞交通

别担心，没问题的

我说成问题，你最好重视，

因为我是警察

我也是

好．你是警察

你爱停哪儿都可以

我知道规矩，因为我也是警察

好好干　10.4

等等．你负责哪个区?

我在57区

我认识57区刑警队一个家伙

我是巡警

现在是便衣，扮妓女

巡警队还有谁？

那你认识

司伯伟吗?

（警察故事，肥皂剧《银匙》中的角色）

司伯伟?　不认识

大个子，光头

我不认识他

别打电话找他，他不上班。

他的搭档刚挂了

告诉他我很遗憾

当然．保重

对了，司泊伟会没事的

听说《银匙》里的小孩很厉害

你在哪捡到我的警徽的?

你能帮手搬沙发吗?

很乐意，不过我要去上表演课

但我可以逃课

为你而逃

谢谢

问你个问题

我刚跟莫妮和钱德聊天

他们俩可真亲密

我晓得

他们从朋友变成情人、好象很不错

我也想和他们一样

怎么了，乔伊

莫妮和钱德那样要好

恩？

是因为他们恋爱前是朋友

于是我自问，谁是我的朋友？

你和菲比

我先看到你，所以

你在说什么?

也许你可以和我交往

亲爱的

承你美意，

说是先看到我

我不认为我们该交往

我会对你很好的

我知道，不过

我赞成交往前先做朋友

但你应该在遇见理想对象后，和她交朋友

建立感情基础，然后约会

别打老朋友的主意！

那样很费时间吧？

是，但是，真爱

值得等待

我懂了

懂了

天，我真希望先看到菲比

坐过来嘛，

到我这边来

我带援军来了

太好了!你带乔伊来了?

比不上乔伊，第二壮劳力！

你带钱德来?

第二壮劳力应该是莫妮卡

你侮辱我，不过莫妮卡

的确是出奇的强壮，不跟你计较

我画了个搬沙发草图

瑞秋，这是你

这是沙发

那是什么?

是我

你把自己想得那么壮

不．那只是我的手臂

明白了，你真的很喜欢你的新沙发

听我号令

好

来吧，钱德

好

准备好了吗？

好了

转弯

转，转，转

转不动了

这样抬不上去的

能上去！别放弃！

起！

成功了

转！

转９０度

转

闭嘴!闭嘴!闭嘴

转不动了

你也这么想？

好，我们放回去

再来一遍

现在真的卡住了

不敢相信，我的方案行不通！

我也不敢相信！你不是画了草图吗？

你说”转”是个什么意思？

进展如何？交到朋友吗？

碰到这个女人

她怎么样?

她

床上很厉害

不是说好先交朋友吗？

那都是你的错

为什么?

你不教我学好

却教我泡妞用语

我刚跟她说了要

”先建立感情基础、只做朋友”

她马上就要我

这可不是我的错

她室友也有同感！

那亲密关系怎么办？

亲密!我们三个都渴望亲密！

谁要比萨?

我要！我要！

不敢相信吧？我在二楼捡的

谁？

纽约警察

喔，我的天

等一下，长官

我找菲比布菲

天,是那个条子

他居然能找到我

你会坐牢吗?

如果我被关起来，

我要拖你们全部下水！

窝藏逃犯?　最少判一到三年

祝你好运，钱德

逮捕我吧，但你不能给我定罪

我没办法，这是我的职责

你能理解，对吧?

你也能理解吧，我要找律师

一旦他让你出庭，就能搞臭你!

我可不想被搞臭

我今天放你一马罢，就当我来了，你却不在

好主意

既然你今晚不用入狱，能不能

陪我去吃个饭?

我吗?

自从你亮出我的警徽，

我就一直挂念你

你是我见过的最漂亮的假便衣

很好

哇，我不知道你在约我

这是约会！

我本可以不让你受惊

但他们老瞪着我

我愿意跟你约会，长官

盖瑞

好，我们在约会

对了，你怎么找到我的?

警徽上满是你的指纹，我输入电脑

找到你最近的住址,所以来这里找你

哦,真不寻常

比不上你的不寻常

我查了你的记录，你经历颇丰富

饭桌上谈

好,过几个小时我来接你

迫不及待！

别怕，我不会只带你去吃免费甜甜圈

他有枪的！（你们还不笑？）

我想退货，我对它不满意

你要退货?

它都身首异处了！

所以才退货

是你把它一分为二的吗？

这张沙发断成两截了！我要换一张完整的

你是说提货时它就这么惨?

我是个讲道理的人

你们店的抵用券我也收的

好，我给你抵用券，

4元

我收下了

517 The One With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Rachel enters, happily.]

Rachel: Good, you guys are all here!

Ross: Hey! What's up?

Rachel: Well, I have a job interview at Ralph Lauren tomorrow!

All: Congratulations! Ohh, that's great!

Rachel: I know!

Joey: Boy, that guy's underwear sucks!

Rachel: Wh-what?!

Joey: I got this pair marked excess, I gotta tell ya, there was no room for excess anything in there.

Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!

Phoebe: Wow! Well, if you nail the interview, you'll get it!

Rachel: Yeah.

Phoebe: You wanna work on your interview skills?

Rachel: O-okay!

Phoebe: Okay! All right, let's start with the handshake. Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

(They shake hands.)

Phoebe: Very good handshake, good wrist action.

Monica: Let me try. (Gets up to join them.)

Phoebe: Okay. (They shake hands and she pulls away suddenly) Oh my God! What did I ever do to you?! (Rubbing her hand.)

Monica: Did I squeeze it too hard?

Phoebe: Let's just say, I'm glad I'm not Chandler.

(Chandler tries to comprehend that remark.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]

Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.

Monica: Is he doing his shark attack bit yet?

Joey: Nope. Op, wait! There he goes.

(We see Ross through the window and he acts like a swimmer that gets attacked by a shark, picture one of the many, many, many Jaws movies they made and you get the idea.)

Joey: (waving) Very funny Ross! Very life-like and funny. Okay. (Notices that a woman is waving back.) Oh no-no-no, I wasn't waving at you lady. (She just stares at him.) (Joey sees how beautiful she is.) Whoa, maybe I was! Hey, Monica, this totally hot girl in Ross's building is flirting with me.

Monica: Get in there man! Flirt back, mix it up!

Joey: Yeah, I-I-I'm down with that. (He turns back to the woman.) Okay, here goes. (Thinks.) How (Holds up his hand like an Indian) you (Points at her) a-doin'? (Does a little twisting motion with both hands and ends up pointing at her, he then winks. She smiles and waves again.) (To Monica) It worked! She's waving me over. (Towards the woman.) Okay, I-I-I'll be right over. Let's see, she's on the third floor…

Monica: (joining him) Wow! She is pretty, huh?

Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)

[Scene: Ross's Building, Joey is trying to find the hot girl's apartment. So he's walking up the hallway counting doors. He comes to what he thinks is the right one and knocks on it. Ross opens the door, it's his apartment.]

Ross: Hey Joey! Great stuff huh?

Joey: This is your place?

Ross: Of course it is. Yeah, come on in. Ooh-ooh, go by the window you can pretend to be surfing. (He pretends he's surfing by the window.)

Joey: But I counted, you're not supposed to live here! Oh man! (Runs away.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering again.]

Joey: Ugh!!

Monica: What happened?

Joey: I ended up at Ross's place. Oh, I musta missed counted or something. (Looks out the window.) Damn! She's not there anymore. Oh, l-l-look, Ross is doing his 'Watching TV' bit. (We see Ross sitting on the couch and flipping through the channels on his remote.)

Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watchin' TV.

(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day, Gary is kissing Phoebe good-bye.]

Gary's Radio: We've lost visual contact with the suspect.

Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!

Phoebe: But it's just so unfair that our date has to get cut short just 'cause some guy shot at a store clerk.

Gary: I know, but it's my job, sweethart!

Phoebe: Okay, then maybe I can come too!

Gary's Radio: Suspect has just emerged naked from the sewer.

Phoebe: All right, you go. (They kiss.)

Gary: Bye-bye.

Phoebe: 'Kay, bye!

(Gary closes the door behind him.)

Phoebe: Oh God!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Oh I just miss him so much!

Monica: Wow! For just a week you guys are really close, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, it's weird. I can't help it though he's so sweet, he's like this little puppy dog, y'know? But like a really tough one that shots bad guys. Ohh, I just love beginning parts of relationships, y'know?! You just like can't keep your hands off each other.

Monica: I know it is the best.

Phoebe: So-so how long did that last for you and Chandler?

Monica: What? It's still going on.

Phoebe: Come on, seriously! When did it end?

Monica: I-I am serious, I mean, we're, we're all over each other all the time.

Phoebe: Okay, you know where you are better than I do. I was just curious.

Monica: (Start annoying hyper-competitive mode now.) (Jumping up) What don't you just calm down Phoebe! All right?! Why don’t you just get all your facts before you run around telling everybody that you're the only hot couple!!

Phoebe: (Under her breath) God, I woke the beast. Sorry. (To Monica) I was wrong obviously, I just—I misspoke. It's okay.

Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!

Chandler: (entering) Hey Monica, here's your broom back.

Monica: You are so cute. (She goes over and kisses him passionately.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]

Chandler: Oh hey, how'd the interview go?

Rachel: Ugh, horrible! I did the stupidest, most embarrassing thing!

Joey: Did you tell the guy you wanted to have sex with his wife and then fall right out of your chair?

Rachel: No!

Chandler: So what happened?

Rachel: Ugh, it was horrible! And-and the interview part went so well, y'know? I even made him laugh. He said something about a boat and I was like, "Well, yeah! If you've got enough life jackets!" (She starts laughing; Chandler and Joey are not amused.) Trust me, it was actually, it was very funny. Anyway, so we were saying good-bye and ugh!

Joey: What happened?

Rachel: (We see a flashback as Rachel describes what happened.) All right, we were shaking hands and he kinda leaned toward me… Y'know maybe he was going to open the door, but I totally miss read him and I uhhh… (The flashback shows that she kissed him on the cheek.)

Joey: You kissed him?!

Rachel: Well, I didn't know what else to do!

Chandler: Well you coulda tried, not kissing him.

Rachel: Thanks Chandler.

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called, you got a second interview!

Rachel: I can't believe it! I got a second interview!

Monica: Yes!

Joey: I bet that kiss isn't looking like such a big mistake now, is it?

Rachel: What-what, wait a minute, you don't think that's why he wants me back?

Joey: Yeah! (Chandler makes a noise) No?

Monica: A kiss? What are you talking about?

Rachel: I accidentally kissed him in the interview, and now he wants me back y'know of course, 'cause "Let's bring the girl back who kisses everybody!"

Chandler: Come on, Rach.

Rachel: Oh my God! What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that-that would just sleep with him?

Monica: He probably wants you back because you're right for the job.

Rachel: Maybe. I-I don't know—Oh God, how could I be so stupid?!

Joey: Oh Rachel look, don't say that, I think you just need a hug from Joey. Come on. Come on. (She hugs him and Joey looks out the window.) She's back! Hot girl's back!

Rachel: Ohh, well I'm not totally back yet, but thank you.

Joey: No, in Ross's building! (He throws Rachel onto the chair and heads to the window.) She's back! She's back! (Pantomimes) Okay, wait there, I'll be over in a second. (He counts where she is again.) Got it! (Runs out and does a little hot over a chair.)

Chandler: I gotta check out this hot girl! (He heads to the window but realizes something, stops, turns and points at Monica.) There she is! (He dances over to her and kisses her.)

[Scene: Ross's building, Joey is knocking on a door again. It's again answered by Ross.]

Joey: Damnit!! Did you move?!

Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. (Joey just stares at him) I'm Ross.

(Joey makes a frustrated face and noise and walks away. He knocks on the next door and it's answered by an old man.)

The Old Man: Yes?

Joey: (Looking around) Uhh do you happen to have a hot girl in there?

The Old Man: No. I'm all alone.

Joey: Yeah. Sorry about that. (He walks away and knocks on the next door which is answered by a little girl.) Oh, hey little girl. Uhh, is-is your mommy, or sister, or babysitter by any chance a hot girl?

The Little Girl: Daddy!!

Joey: Later! (He runs away down the hall and hides behind a corner to a whole other corridor.) Oh man! (Walks down the hallway in desperation.) Hot girl! Hot girl!!

[Scene: Rachel's job interview, she is waiting outside Mr. Zelner's (the interviewer) office banging her pen between her teeth.]

Mr. Zelner: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hi!

Mr. Zelner: Come on in.

(They go inside.)

Mr. Zelner: It's really nice to see you again.

Rachel: Thank you.

Mr. Zelner: (Sees that she has some ink on her lip from her pen.) Oh Rachel, uhh… (He points to his lip to get her to notice the ink on hers.)

Rachel: What?

Mr. Zelner: Just ah… (He points again.)

Rachel: Excuse me?

Mr. Zelner: Here let me… (He goes to wipe it off himself.)

Rachel: (stopping him) Wh-whoa! All right, okay-okay, I see, I see what's going on here! Now listen, look-look, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I am not some hussy who will just sleep around to get ahead! Now even though I (He tries to interrupt and tell her about the ink), hey-hey-hey, even though I kissed you, that does not give you the right to demand sex from me. I do not want, this job that bad. Good day, sir. (She storms out of his office.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is returning from her interview attempt.]

Rachel: (entering) Ugh, you will not believe what that sleaze-ball from Ralph Lauren did too me!

(Joey, Monica, and Ross all point to their lips to get Rachel to once again notice the ink on her lip.)

Rachel: Okay-okay that-that's amazing. How did you know that?

Ross: You got ink on your lip.

Rachel: Oh. (Realizes.) Ohhhhhhhhh….

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Gary and Chandler and Monica are all there.]

Chandler: (To Gary) So what do you say, maybe sometime I hold your gun?

Gary: I don't know man, we're really not supposed to do that.

Chandler: Oh, what can happen? I mean, would you… (He gestures and spills some of his coffee.)

Gary: Yeah, I'm gonna say no.

Monica: Phoebe, do you want to go see a movie after dinner tonight?

Phoebe: Oh we can't, we already have plans.

Monica: What are you doing?

Phoebe: Well, same thing we did all day, hang out at Gary's apartment. He is so amazing, we never left the bedroom. But have fun at the movie.

Monica: (That annoying competitiveness thing kicks in again, what the heck is that with her and why must the writers show it every flippin' episode?!) Oh, we're not seeing a movie!

Phoebe: You're not? Then why did you ask us if we wanted to go?

Monica: Oh umm, that's because I just wanted to y'know walk in on me and Chandler while we were, y'know, doing it all night. Will you excuse me for just a second?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay. (She gets up and walks over to Chandler.) Chandler? Can I see you for a second?

Chandler: Uh, yeah.

Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}

Chandler: Why?

Monica: 'Cause, Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler: Ohh, so?

Monica: So! So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex to prove them wrong!

Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.

Commercial Break

[Scene: The lobby in Ross's building, we see a flyer that is on the bulletin board that reads, "Are you the Hot Girl who waved at me? If so, give me a call!" and it's signed, Joey 629-9*** (The last couple of numbers have been ripped off). Anyhoo, Ross is getting his mail.]

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail next to him) Hey!

(A man walks up.)

The Man: (To Ross) Excuse me. (He puts up a flyer that has a sketch drawing of Joey and it reads, "Warning! Intruder! If you see this creep - call the cops!") You should check this out, tell the other tenants. Apparently he's running around looking for some kind of a hot girl.

Ross: (to the woman checking her mail) Who isn't?

(For the first time we see that the woman Ross is talking too is in fact the hot girl that Joey is looking for. She just kinda stares at him.)

Ross: I don't, I don't think we've meet. I-I'm Ross.

The Hot Girl: I know. You're the guy who wouldn't chip in for the handyman.

Ross: Nevermind! (Goes back to his mailbox.)

The Hot Girl: No, I-I actually thought it was unfair the way everyone reacted. I mean you had just moved in.

Ross: I had just moved in. Thank you! Listen umm…

The Hot Girl: Jen.

Ross: Jen, I know this may sound a little…(makes some kind of crazy noise) But uh, would you maybe wanna grab a cup of coffee sometime, or…

Jen: Sure! That would be nice.

Ross: Umm?

Jen: Oh! My number is on there. (Hands him a business card.) Give me a call.

Ross: I will give you a call.

Jen: I'll see you later. (Starts to walk away.)

Ross: Okay!

(After she's left, Ross gets really happy and starts kissing the card. Suddenly, she returns.)

Jen: I forgot my paper. (Ross quickly hides the card in his mouth.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]

Chandler: That was amazing!

Monica: Phoebe and Gary are so gonna hear about this at dinner.

Chandler: That was amazing.

Monica: We are the hottest! Huh? No one is hotter than we are! You're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: No, you're the best.

Chandler: No, you're the best.

Monica: I am the best.

(Just as they start to get up, Joey walks in.)

Joey: (entering) Hey guys! (Sees their state of undress) What 'cha been doin'? (Has a silly grin.)

Monica: (looking out the window) Hey Joey! Isn't that the girl that waved at you the other day?

Joey: I don't know. But I can see through your sheet. (He looks out the window.) Yeah, yeah, that's her. But y'know what? Doesn't matter, I'm never gonna get to meet her anyway.

Monica: Why?

Joey: Because it's impossible to find her apartment! She lives in some like of hot girl parallel universe, or something.

Monica: What are you talking about? (Pointing out the window.) She obviously lives on the second floor, seventh apartment from the left!

Joey: No. No. No. She lives on the third floor, eighth apartment from the left.

Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.

Joey: I did not know that! Thank you Monica. (Starts to leave) I can't believe I almost lost another girl because of counting.

[Scene: Jen's apartment, Ross is picking her up for their date.]

Ross: So uhh, you ready?

Jen: Sure, I'll just get my coat. (There's a knock on the door.) Could you get that?

Ross: Sure. (He opens the door to Joey. Needless to say, Joey's stunned.) Joey…

Joey: Dahhhhh!! (Ross has a puzzled look on his face.) No! Noooo!! (Storms off.)

[Scene: Mr. Zelner's office, Rachel has come back again to try and do that second interview.]

Rachel: Ah, first, I-I would like to say thank you for agreeing to see me again.

Mr. Zelner: That's quite all right, but I feel obligated to tell you that this meeting is being videotaped.

Rachel: (looks around for the camera) Okay. Umm, well, first I would like to start by apologizing for kissing you and uh, for yelling at you.

Mr. Zelner: Fair enough.

Rachel: Now you're probably going to hire one of the people who did not ah, (She puts her hands on his desk blotter and he moves it. Rachel then doesn't know where to put her hands.) who did, who did not umm, yell at you and storm out, and I think that's a big mistake and here's why. I made a huge fool of myself and I came back, that shows courage. When I thought you wanted sex in exchange for this job, I said no. That shows integrity. And, I was not afraid to stand up for myself and that shows courage. (Suddenly realizes that she said courage twice.) Okay umm, now I know I already said courage, but y'know you gotta have courage. And umm, and finally when I thought you were making sexual advances in the workplace, I said no and I was not litigious. {By the way, litigious means to want to litigate and litigate is to make a lawsuit against. So she didn't want to sue him. Don't worry, I had to look it up too.} So there you go, you got, you got (counts them off with her fingers) courage, you got integrity, you got (Pause) courage again, and not litigious. Look Mr…

Mr. Zelner: Zelner.

Rachel: Zelner! Right! I knew that! I really, really want this job and I think, I think I would be really good at it.

Mr. Zelner: Y'know what? I may regret this but uh, I'm going to give you a shot.

Rachel: (gasps) Oh! You are?

Mr. Zelner: Um-hmm.

Rachel: Really? Oh thank you! Oh… Oh, would it be completely inappropriate to give you a hug?

Mr. Zelner: Yes!

Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch that—I mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you so—Hey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)

[Scene: A restaurant, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Gary are on a double date. Chandler is yawning.]

Phoebe: You tired Chandler?

Monica: You better believe he's tired, after the day we had! If you know what I mean. You know what I mean?

Chandler: Honey, the tortilla chips know what you mean.

Gary: So uh Chandler, you like that badge I got you?

Chandler: Oh yeah, it's so cool. (He opens his coat and has it pinned to the lining.) Now I gotta go, Officer Bing has gotta, 10-100. (Pause, softly) That's pee-pee. (Heads for the bathroom.)

Monica: Phoebe, you have a, a twig in your hair.

Phoebe: Ohh, (laughs) umm, we kinda took a little detour on the way over here.

Gary: Yeah, we took a little stroll in the park and no one was around, so…

Monica: You didn't!

Phoebe: We did! We violated Section 12 Paragraph 7 of the criminal code!

Monica: The park huh? A public place.

Gary: Uh-huh.

Monica: I hear ya. Excuse me for just a second! (Gets up and heads for the bathroom as that annoying Gotta-win-at-all-costs-super-competitive thing kicks in again.)

[Cut to the Men's room. Chandler is practicing flashing his badge as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hi Chandler.

Chandler: Monica! This is the Men's room! (Pause) Isn't it?

Monica: Yes it is. You see I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out. Monica, this is getting ridiculous!

Monica: Come on, we can't let them win!

Chandler: Ugh, we have already proved that we are hot! Okay? So why-why are you getting so obsessed about this thing?!

Monica: Because Phoebe and Gary are in that-can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-doing-it-in-the-park phase!

Chandler: (gasps) So?

Monica: I feel really sad that we're not…really there anymore.

Chandler: Oh wow! Is that what this all have been about?

Monica: Wasn't it a lot more exciting when we were y'know all over each other all the time?

Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah! I've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long before. Y'know to get past the beginning and still be around each other all the time, I think that's pretty incredible. And the fact that this is happening all with you, yeah I think that's pretty exciting. (Kisses her.)

Monica: That is so sweet. I know that I was acting a little crazy but umm, I feel the same way.

Chandler: Yeah?

Monica: Yeah. (They hug.)

Chandler: Y'know what I just realized? You just freaked out about our relationship.

Monica: Did not.

Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!

Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.

Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Looking through Ross's window, he's doing more pantomimes. The first one is he's walking a dog that has stopped, then suddenly tugs him forward.]

[Cut to the inside of Monica and Rachel's apartment, Monica and Rachel are sitting at the table.]

Rachel: (laughs) I cannot believe Ross is buying this!

Monica: Thank God! I can't watch him anymore!

Chandler: (entering) You guys ready fore the movies?

Rachel: Yeah! Oh by the way, thank you for loaning us Pamela and Yasmine.

(We see through the big window from the outside and see that Monica and Rachel have pictures of their faces pasted onto cardboard cutouts of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth wearing their Baywatch swimsuits.)

Ross: (from his apartment) Man! They cannot get enough! (Makes like he's a robot and waves at the cutouts.)

End

517 瑞秋的无心之吻

好! 你们都在!

怎么?

我明天去Ralph Lauren 面试!

恭喜!你真棒！

Ralph Lauren是个内裤白痴

恩？

我买了条标着”xs”的

根本穿不下

我将是女装部的协调者

我直接为主管效力。

最适合我的工作！

搞定面试，你就能得到这份工作

要训练面试技巧吗？

就从握手开始

握得很好！手腕用力恰到好处。

我试试

天啊! 我得罪你了？

我用力过猛？

我想说，幸亏我不是钱德

对，罗斯，我能看到你在新家里

你也能看到我

跟昨天一样，

跟前天一样

他在表演”被鲨鱼攻击”吗？

不。等一下，又来了。

很好玩！罗斯

逼真而有趣

我不是跟你挥手，女士

哇，我是

罗斯楼里的辣妹朝我飞媚眼

上啊！伙计！回应她，搞定她！

我晓得

有办法了

你好吗？

有效! 她朝我招手！

我现在就过去

她住三楼

她很美,对吧？

还用你说

不! 她不是我马子！

她只是莫妮而已！

嘿，乔伊!

我表演得不错，对吧

你住这里？

当然。进来吧

在窗前，可以假装玩冲浪

我数过的，怎么会是你住在这里？

天啊！

怎么了？

结果我跑到罗斯家了！

肯定数错了

见鬼! 她不见了

看，罗斯在装”看电视”

不，乔伊，我想他只是在看电视

嫌犯失踪了

我真得走了

这可真不公平，

就因为有人枪杀店员

我们的约会就得夭折

是啊,但那是我的工作,心肝

好吧,我跟你去

疑犯刚裸体从下水道钻出

好，你走吧

天啊!

我好想他!

才一星期，你们就那么亲密了

对，很少见。我忍不住喜欢他，

他真可爱

他像只小狗，

但又是个锄奸惩恶的硬汉

我喜欢初恋期

彼此简直爱不释手

那个阶段的确是最棒的

你和钱德的初恋期

持续了多长时间？

什么？我们仍在这个阶段

少来，我说真的。

你们的初恋期几时结束的？

我是说真的。我们俩一直都很狂热

算了，你们在什么阶段，你比我清楚

我只是好奇罢了

冷静！

何必到处炫耀你们是最幸福的一对？

天啊，我惹火烧身

我错了，我讲错话了，算了吧

没关系

只要你知道，

我和钱德一样很热烈

跟你们一样

就是说，我们还是“干柴”

和“烈火”！

扫帚拿回来了

你真乖!

面试怎样？

很糟!我做了最蠢最丢脸的事！

你跟面试官说，想跟他老婆上床，

然后大惊失色？

不！

那发生什么事了

可怕! 本来面试很顺利

我甚至让他笑出来

他提到“船”

我说“你有没有足够多的救生衣”

当时真的很有趣

我们道别的时候

怎么了？

我们握手

他倾身朝我靠过来

也许他是想去开门

但我完全误解了他的意思……

你吻了他！

我有什么办法！

你该试试

别吻他

谢谢，钱德

Ralph Lauren 的人电话

通知你去复试

不会吧! 叫我参加复试？

你吻对人了

什么？你认为他要我复试，

是因为那一吻吗？

对！

难道不是吗？

什么“吻”？你们在说什么？

面试中我鬼使神差的，吻了面试官

现在他叫我去复试

因为我是”见人就吻的女孩”！

别傻了，瑞秋

他以为我是随便能跟他上床的女人呢

他给你机会，

也许是因为你能胜任这份工作

也许吧。我不晓得。

天啊，我怎么那么蠢

瑞秋，别自责了。

来，让乔伊抱抱

来嘛，来嘛

她回来了，辣妹回来了

我还感觉有点糟，不过，谢谢你

不，是罗斯大厦里的辣妹，又出现了!

等我，我马上就来

数清楚了!

让我看两眼！辣妹在哪儿？

找到啦!

见鬼! 你搬家了吗？

是的

我跟你们同居了一阵子

然后找到这所房子

我叫罗斯

什么事？

这里住着个漂亮姑娘吗？

不，我一个人住

是吗，真可怜

小妹妹好

你的妈妈、或姐姐、或保姆，

是漂亮姑娘吗？

爸爸!

再见，小妹妹!

天啊!

辣妹！

嗨，瑞秋。进来

很高兴再见到你

谢谢

呃,瑞秋,呃

什么?

就是

对不起,什么事？

我来帮你

我懂了！听着！

我很抱歉，给了你错误的讯息

让你以为我是靠随便陪人睡觉

来找机会的轻浮女人

就算我亲了你

也不表示你就能要求跟我上床!

我才没有那么想要这份工作

祝愉快！先生

说出来没人信！

Ralph Lauren的浑球竟这样对我！

奇怪，你们怎么知道了？

你嘴唇上有墨水

哦,哦

怎么样，几时让我玩玩你的枪？

警队有规定，恐怕不行

不会出事的！你能不能

恐怕我得拒绝

晚饭后要看电影吗？

不行,我们约好了

要做什么？

还不就那事儿，呆在盖瑞家

他真棒，我们就从没离开过睡房

你们去看电影吧，祝愉快！

我们不看电影

那你问我们去不去？

因为我怕你们碍事

我和钱德

要欢乐今宵

抱歉失陪一下

钱德，过来一下

我们要胜过他们！

什么?

盖瑞和菲比还以为

他们比我们更打得火热！

所以？

所以我们要上楼翻云覆雨，

证明他们错了!

这种事也论输赢，不觉得傻吗？

为了赢他们，我们就得爱得天翻地覆？

我才不干，为什么，

穿衣服、走！

请让让

请看我的告示，也请转告其他住户

显然，他跑上跑下、是在找漂亮姑娘

谁不是呢？

我们还没见过面吧，我叫罗斯

我知道，你是不捐钱给勤杂工的那个人

算了

其实，我认为大家对你太苛刻了

你才刚搬来，就让你捐钱

我是刚搬来!

谢谢你!

听着

我叫珍

我可能有点太急了

你愿意什么时候跟我去喝咖啡吗？

我很乐意

名片上有我的号码

给我电话

我会的

再见

我忘了拿报纸

销魂哦！

晚饭时，我一定要告诉菲比和盖瑞！

舒服死了

我们是最热烈的，对吧

没人比我们更黏糊！

你最棒！

不,你最棒

不,你最厉害

不,你才最厉害

我好厉害

嘿，二位

干嘛呢？

那不是跟你招手的女孩吗？

不知道，但我看见你走光了

对，是她

不过没用的，我和她永远见不了面

我就是找不到她的房间！

她大概是居住在辣妹星球之类的空间

可望而不可及！

你说什么傻话！

她明显住在二楼，从左数第7间！

不，她住在3楼、左边第8间

不，底下两个窗户是门厅的

最左边的窗户是过道的。

你一直都数错了

我竟不知道!谢谢你，莫妮

我差一点又因为算术差而

少把一个马子!

可以走了吗？

好,我去拿外套

你去开门好吗？

好。

乔伊？

见鬼了！

首先，我要感谢你

再给我见面的机会

那没关系

但我得告诉你，

这次会见是要录影的

首先我要道歉，不该吻你

不该对你大吼大叫

那没什么

你大概会请一个

不对你大喊和摔门而去的员工

但我认为这样的决定并不明智。

原因如下：

我出了丑还敢回来，

说明我有勇气

当我以为你把工作机会

拿来做性交易，我拒绝了

那代表我的品格

另外，我敢于挺身而出，争取机会

说明我的勇气

没错，我把“勇气”说了两遍

但“勇气”确实很重要

最后，当我以为

你想在工作场合求欢时

我仅是拒绝，并没有告你性骚扰

所以我的优点有：勇敢

品格高尚，还是勇敢，

而且不爱告状

先生

我叫Zelner

我就知道

您就是Zelner!

我真的很喜欢这份工作

而且我能胜任

知道吗？

将来我也许会后悔

但我要给你这个机会

是吗？

恩

谢谢你。天啊!

我想给你一个拥抱,那合适吗？

不！

那握手呢？

天啊! 很抱歉!

我不是故意来摸你的那里

谢谢你，我走了

星期一见

钱德，你很疲倦？

我们鬼混了一天，他能不累吗？

你知道我的意思吧？

宝贝，玉米饼也懂你在说什么

你喜欢我给你的徽章吗？

很帅

我离开一下，宾长官离开一下

我去撒尿

菲比，你头发里有小树枝

我们刚才来的时候绕了路

我们在公园散步，四下无人

你们该不会？

我们做了

违反了犯罪条例、第7节第12条

公园

公众场合啊

听见了，失陪一下

嗨，钱德

莫妮，这是男厕所

不对吗？

对

但我一直觉得男厕所很性感

你不觉得吗？

不觉得

假如我也对男厕很有性趣，

那我就不会跟你好了

越来越离谱了！

别这样，我们不能认输!

我们已经证明了我们很热烈！

你干嘛还没完了？

因为菲比和盖瑞在公园里

还“浓得化不开”嘛!

那又怎样？

我很伤心，因为我们过了那样的阶段了

原来是这么回事

两个人总是浓情蜜意，

不是很爽吗

对，那是不错

但我们现在的阶段，我更喜欢

真的？

我从没谈过如此长久的恋爱

初恋阶段过后，仍然厮守在一起

这很了不起

而且我的爱人是你

我倍感幸福

你真甜

我知道我有点过火了

其实我和你感觉一样

我刚刚发现

这次是你，被我们的关系吓坏了

我没有

你有，承认了吧！

好吧，是有一点

岂止是一点？

还好我及时补救！

这次我们角色互换了！

我成了爱情专家、

你却成了不理智的笨蛋

又换回来了

罗斯竟被一块纸板给骗了！

谢天谢地！我实在看不下去了！

准备好去看电影了?

走吧。对了，谢谢你

借Pamela和Yasmine的海报板给我们

天啊，她们还没看够！

518 The One Where Rachel Smokes

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Joey is holding a deck of cards out to Chandler.]

Joey: Okay, pick a card.

Chandler: Okay. (He picks the 9 of Spades)

Joey: All right now, memorize it. (Pause) You got it?

Chandler: Oh yes.

Joey: (holding up the Queen of Clubs) Is that your card? (He winks and smiles.)

Chandler: (pause) Yes.

(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)

Carol: (entering with Ben and Ross) Hey guys!

Ross: Hi!

Chandler: Hi there!

Ben: Hi!!

Carol: Guess what? Ben is going to be in a TV commercial!

Phoebe: What are you talking about?!

Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.

Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.

Ross: I know, it's crazy! We were just pushing Ben on the swings…

Joey: I'm always on the swings! What am I doing wrong?!

Chandler: That.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is eating breakfast, Ross is heading for the bathroom.]

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, gotta go! Wish me luck!

Joey: Luck!

Chandler: Hey Rach, now that you're working at Ralph Lauren, can you bring me back some of those polo shirts?

Rachel: Uh well, y'know what? I don't think if I feel comfortable stealing on my very first day…

Chandler: Unwilling to steal from work, interesting.

Monica: Besides, if anybody's gonna get free stuff, it's gonna be me.

Rachel: Okay guys, way to wish me luck!

All: Good luck! Go get 'em! (Rachel exits.)

Phoebe: Okay, let's discuss Rachel's birthday. I say we throw a surprise party this weekend.

Joey: Whoa-whoa, but her birthday isn't like for another month.

Phoebe: Yeah but if we throw her a party on her birthday, then it's not a surprise.

Monica: I think it's a great idea. Yeah, we could have a dinner party and just invite her close friends.

Joey: Ross!! We're having a surprise party for Rachel!!

Ross: (from the bathroom) Okay!!

Joey: Done.

Phoebe: Okay, great so do you want to do it together?

Monica: I would love to do it together!

(Joey starts to giggle.)

Joey: They're gonna do it together.

Chandler: Dude! That's my girlfriend!

Joey: What, so I gotta shut it down now?

Ross: All right, I gotta take off. I'm picking up Ben then we're off to the big audition.

Monica: It's gonna be weird to watch some actor pretending to be Ben's dad.

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa dad? There's a dad in the commercial?

Ross: Yeah the dad and Ben eat soup and pretend to enjoy it.

Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.

Ross: You're not his godfather.

Joey: What?! Are you kidding?!

Ross: (Pause) Of course I am! (Joey is relieved) Okay, let's go godfather.

Joey: All right!

(As they walk out he motions to Chandler that he is still Ben's godfather.)

[Scene: Ben's audition, Carol, Ross, and Ben along with about 10 more families are in a waiting room as Joey enters happily.]

Joey: Hey! I'm in, they're gonna let me audition!

Ross: Really? That's great!

Joey: I know! I know! It turns out that one of the casting ladies has actually seen me in a play, so I steered clear of her…

Carol: (noticing a kid who has picked up a copy of Variety to read) Hey, that kid looks familiar.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah! He's done tons of commercials. I've seen him in like Sugar Smacks, Playstation, and that one for the phone company. In fact he was so good in that one, he actually convinced me to switch phone companies. Chandler was mad….

Ross: Yeah well, he's not gonna get this one. Ben is way cuter than that kid. I mean look at him, look at you, (Starts to whine like a baby and Joey just glares at him.)

Joey: That's great. Listen, wouldn't it be great though if I got to play Ben's dad?

Ross: Joey, you look nothing like Ben.

Joey: I look more like him than you do! (He winks at Carol.)

Carol: Y'know, I don't really know you well enough for you to do that.

[Scene: Rachel's new job, she's in her new boss's office (Kim's) and with the other assistant (Nancy). Together they're deciding what clothes to buy or something, who knows, let's all watch/read to find out.]

Kim: So it's down to these two, Nancy I know you like this one and I think I agree. Rachel, what do you think?

Rachel: Well umm, that one is pretty but uh, I just, I just love this fabric (On the other one.) Sorry.

Kim: Oh don't be sorry, that's part of your job here to give your opinions and then I take credit for them--I'm kidding.

Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!

Rachel: (laughing nervously) Oh, what a fun office.

Kim: I don't know which one, but I do know I need a cigarette. So what do you say we take a break, we go outside, and we'll figure this out when we come back?

(They all get up to leave.)

Kim: (at the door) Rachel? Do you smoke?

Rachel: Oh no, my dad's a doctor and he would always tell me just horror stories…(stops and tries to change directions)…about ghosts and goblins who totally supported the princess's right to smoke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is telling Chandler and Monica about her day.]

Rachel: …and then they came back from smoking and they had made all of the decisions without me!

Monica: That doesn't seem fair.

Rachel: I know! It's like I'm being punished for not having this disgusting, poisoning habit!

Chandler: Yeah, it is the best.

Rachel: I mean what if this keeps happening? Y'know, they'll-they'll be outside smoking, making all the decisions and I'll just be up in my office breathing my stupid clean air, y'know? And then when the day comes when Kim wants to promote one of us, who do you think she's gonna pick? Me or Smokey Smokerson?

Monica: Rachel, you can go down there, you don't have to smoke. Just say you wanna get some fresh air.

Rachel: Yeah, I can do that.

Chandler: Yeah, or you can do the easy thing and smoke.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Phoebe: Hey Rach, you wanna get some coffee?

Rachel: I would love to!

Phoebe: Oh good!

Chandler: Yeah, I wanna go to babe.

Phoebe: Oh good.

(They all start out.)

Phoebe: Oh wait, I change my mind! (She slams the door on them.) Okay, let's talk about the party! I have so many ideas! (Holds up a cocktail napkin.)

Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at that.

Monica: All right, that's a little sketch of the cake, umm some sample menus, umm y'know what I thought we would start out with Tuscan style finger food, and for music, here's an alphabetized list of all my CDs! I've highlighted the ones that would go really good with the food.

Phoebe: What happened to the intimate dinner party?

Monica: Oh, we're not doing that. Okay…

Phoebe: So wow, it looks like you took care of everything. Thanks a lot, co-host.

Monica: What?! I didn't take care of everything, there's-there's plenty of things for you to do!

Phoebe: Like what?

Monica: (Thinks) Cups.

Phoebe: Cups? You're giving me cups?

Monica: And ice!

Phoebe: Cups and ice? Ooh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice? (Thinks of something) All right. Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice!

Monica: Wait a minute, I can get ice at the restaurant…

Phoebe: I got it! Mine!

Ross: (entering, downtrodden) Hi.

Monica: Hey! How'd the audition go?!

Ross: Not so good.

Monica: Wait a minute, are you doing Joey's (sadly) "Audition didn't go so well. (Happily) Yeah it did?"

Ross: (Pause) Yeah I am! Yeah, Ben got a second audition!

Joey: (also downtrodden) Yeah, I had to teach Ross my bit because I actually didn't get a callback.

Monica: You got a callback too didn't you?

Joey: (Happily) Yeah I did!

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel is out to join Kim and Nancy.]

Kim: Hey Rachel, what are you doing out here?

Rachel: Oh well, it's kinda lonely up there, so I just thought I would come out here and get some fresh air.

Kim: Nancy and I were talking about the fall collection.

Rachel: Oh great!

Kim: So anyway we really… (Someone exhales and Rachel turns and coughs.) Honey, we're just smoking all over you.

Nancy: Oh, sorry!

Rachel: Oh that's okay.

Kim: No-no-no, we'll move you just stay right there. (They walk away.)

Nancy: So anyway I sent the designs over to Ralph and he's very excited about the line.

Kim: Oh that's great! You are the best!

(Rachel gets fed up and heads over to another smoker.)

Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually… (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?

Nancy: I thought you didn't smoke.

Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.

Kim: We get high.

Rachel: Oh, me too.

Kim: I'm kidding.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, me too.

[Scene: Ben and Joey's (Isn't that an ice cream??) callback.]

Ross: Oh God, this is so nerve wracking! How-how do you do this?

Joey: Well, unfortunately, I don't get many callbacks so…

Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?

Joey: Who knows?

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay uh, we have narrowed it down to Raymond, Ben, Kyle, and Joey. The rest of you, thank you very much.

Ross: Yes!! I knew it!! (To the people who didn't make it.) Bye-bye! So long! Later!

Joey: Oh this is great! I might actually get to play Ben's dad!

Ross: Yeah!

The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)

Joey: Man, this is gonna be kinda weird.

Ross: Yeah, it is.

Kyle: Yeah. It's gonna be weird.

Ross: No, we-we're gonna be like best friends, that's why it's gonna be weird.

Kyle: Oh, oh, I thought we were just talking.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are talking.]

Phoebe: (entering, carrying two garbage bags) Hey!

Ross and Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Is it okay if I leave this stuff here 'til Rachel's birthday party?

Chandler: Ah sure. What's in 'em?

Phoebe: Umm, cups.

Chandler: Oh good, because uh we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.

Ross: Seriously that's a lot of cups.

Phoebe: Yeah well, that's 'cause Monica put me in charge of cups and ice, and Monica is gonna rue the day that she put me in charge of cups and ice.

Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once…didn't get a whole lot else done.

Phoebe: Okay, time to bring up the rest of the cups. (She goes and opens the door to Joey.) Oh, hi Joey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! (To the guys) Hey!

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Ross good, I'm uh glad you're here. I wanna talk to you about something.

Ross: What's up?

Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.

Ross: Wow, uh, Joey that's-that's great. Thanks man.

Joey: That's it? You're-you're gonna let me do this?! This-this is my career we're talking about here!

Ross: Well, you just…

Joey: I just said that so you wouldn't let Ben do it! Look Ross, if anyone should step aside it should be Ben!

Ross: What?!

Joey: What? Chandler! Tell 'em!

Chandler: (shocked) Well I mean, let me get the door first. (Goes and opens the door.) Oh, hi! No one. (Exits.)

Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.

Joey: At least I care about his feelings!

Ross: What?!

Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesn’t get it?

Ross: And why wouldn't he get it?

Joey: Oh, come on! Have you seen what my kid can do?! Huh?! I mean he dials phones! He-he-he eats tortilla chips! He-he plays soccer with the cartoon tiger!

Ross: Are you saying your kid eats soup better than my kid?

Joey: You just give him a spoon baby!

Ross: Oh yeah? I guess we'll just see!

Joey: Yeah! Because this commercial belongs to me and Mitch!

Ross: You're kid's name is Raymond!

Joey: Yeah?! So's yours!

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Rachel enters.]

Monica: (To Rachel) How did work go?

Rachel: Oh it was great! It was great! I went down there just like you said, y'know? And we talked business. Kim totally took my opinions.

Monica: You stink!

Rachel: Thanks!

Monica: No, I'm-I'm serious!

Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.

Chandler: Okay, there's something different though--Oh my God! You smoked!

Rachel: I did not!

Chandler: Yes you did! You look happy and sick; you smoked!

Rachel: All right, fine! But I had too! I had to do it for my career!

Chandler: I wish I had smoked for my career…

Monica: That's so gross!

Rachel: No well, no it's not that bad, y'know? I mean yeah, my tongue feels a little fuzzy and these fingers sort of smell, I actually feel like I can throw up.

Chandler: Okay, but you gotta push past this because it is about to get so good!

Monica: Chandler! I have to tell you, you smell so smokey I have to get up. I'm not kidding. (She's not; she stands and walks away. Chandler moves closer.)

Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Rachel, Kim, and Nancy are all puffing away on their cancer sticks.]

Kim: So, we're decided, no on plaid, yes on pink?

Nancy: Absolutely!

Rachel: I am so on board! (She throws away her recently lit cigarette.)

Kim: Rachel didn't you just light that?

Rachel: Yeah, I did, but y'know what? I am really, really trying to cut back, y'know? (Laughs) Good luck, Rach.

Nancy: I've actually been thinking about quitting lately.

Kim: Oh sure, every Sunday night I'm telling myself I'm quitting but every Monday morning it's like (Mimics chain smoking.)

Nancy: Tell me about it!

Rachel: Well then let's just quit! We'll just quit! Let's all quit!

Kim: It does sound appealing.

Nancy: Oh, I never could do it.

Rachel: Oh but you could. You can. Absolutely! We can help each other out! We can get--what are those--those patches! We could be like the Patch Sisters!

Kim: Oh y'know, we really should quit. Okay, let's quit!

Rachel: Yes! Great! Give me those cigs! Give it! Give it! (She grabs their cigarettes and lighters and throws them in the trash.)

Kim: My late husband gave me that lighter. (Rachel laughs.) I'm not kidding.

Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)

[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]

Joey: Hmmm, soup! (Tries again.) Hmm soup! (Tries again, with a little caveman thrown in.) Hmm, soup!

Carol: Joey, Ross is gonna be here any second, would you mind watching Ben for me while I use the ladies' room?

Joey: Oh yeah, no problem.

Carol: Thanks. (Exits.)

Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.

Ross: (entering, angrily) Joey!

Joey: (angrily) Ross!

Ross: (angrily) Ben! (Pause.) (Happily.) I mean, Ben! Ben!

The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.

(Raymond and Joey go in the office.)

Joey: Hi!

The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)

Joey: Uh-oh.

The Casting Director: Is there a problem?

Joey: Well this is noodle soup and uh, I've been working with tomato. But that's okay, no problem. No problem. Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."

Joey: Oh, what did I say?

The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.

Joey: How's that different? (She looks at him until he gets it.) Oh! Yeah!

The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.

(Raymond and Joey both eat a spoonful and Joey turns to Raymond and says…)

Joey: Hmm, noodle soup.

The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.

Joey: Okay.

(They do it again.)

Joey: Hmm, soup. (Pause.) I mean, noodle soup. I mean soup!

Raymond: COME ON!!!!

The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.

Joey: No! No! I-I can do it one more time! See? Look! (Eats another spoonful) Hmm, noodle soup. Damnit! (Storms out.)

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are cheating and are caught by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey-hey-hey!!

Kim: Uh-oh, busted!

Rachel: Come on you guys! What are doing?! I thought we were the patch sisters!

Kim: Yeah. That didn't work out.

Nancy: Rachel we tried to quit, but it was too hard!

Rachel: Well y'know if you, if you started smoking again you could've at least told me! Come on, give me one of those! What are we talking about?

Kim: No. No! You're doing great! Don’t you give up! That's why we didn't tell you and we're not gonna drag you down with us.

Rachel: Oh wait, no-no-no! Drag me down. Drag-drag me down.

Kim: Forget it Rachel! We're both so proud of how well you're doing. I'm not gonna let you blow it. In fact, if I catch you with a cigarette, you're fired. So go on, get out of here! Go on, I don't want you breathing this stuff! Go on!

Rachel: Okay. (Starts to walk away.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So, okay! So you'll come with me on the Paris trip.

Rachel: (hearing that) Oh man!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel's surprise party. The apartment is festooned with cups. There are cups everywhere! Cup centerpiece, cup garland, etc., etc]

Phoebe: (To Chandler) Check it out! Cup hat! (Points to her hat.) Cup banner! Cup chandelier! And the thing that started it all, the cup! (Holds up one.)

Chandler: Great job with the cups, Pheebs!

Monica: (overhearing that) Why don't you just go out with her!

(Chandler starts to follow her into the kitchen.)

Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!

Chandler: Awesome!

Monica: Chandler! Everyone--no one's eating my Tuscan finger food 'cause they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones!

Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!

Monica: Y'know…go! Go! Right there! (Points)

Chandler: Thank you! Thank you! (Runs to the snow cone machine.)

(Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: (noticing her) Oh, look! Look! Look!

All: Surprise!!

Rachel: What?! What?! My birthday's not for another month!

Monica: That's the surprise!

Rachel: Oh my God! You guys this is so great! I mean it's so unexpected! I mean Chandler's birthday is even before mine!

(Everyone stops and looks at Chandler, who's nodding.)

All: Surprise!

Rachel: Wow! This is great! Look at all these cups! This is so weird.

Phoebe: I was in charge of cups.

Rachel: Oh, okay, not so weird.

[Cut to another part of the room, Ross is going to talk to Joey.]

Ross: Hey!

Joey: Hey.

Ross: Listen man, uh, I'm sorry the audition didn't go so well.

Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)

Ross: No really, I-I am! I feel bad!

Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)

Ross: Yeah y'know what? Maybe-maybe you didn't mess up your audition because you suck, maybe you messed up because you care more about uh, your godson.

Joey: What you do mean?

Ross: I think, sub-consciously…

Joey: Wait-whoa-whoa, you lost me.

Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.

Joey: Well, you're way sounds a lot better than mine. (Thinks about it.) Yeah. Yeah! It's not that I'm a bad actor…

Ross: No!

Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.

Ross: There you go. Thank you!

Joey: Thank you! So, did-did he get it?

Ross: No.

Joey: Eh, what are you gonna do?

Ending Credits

[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]

Chandler: (to Kim and Nancy) Oh, hi! Excuse me, is uh Rachel Green here? I was supposed to meet her for lunch.

Kim: Oh, she doesn't come down here any more. You can find her up on ten.

Chandler: Okay, great.

(Kim exhales and Chandler stares at it longingly.)

Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)

Chandler: I'll catch you guys later. (Exits.)

End

518 瑞秋开始吸烟

抽一张牌

好。记清楚是哪一张

记住了吗？

好了

是这张牌吧？

是的

嘿，各位

知道吗？班要拍电视广告了

什么？

还没确定

我们在公园里碰到一个人，

他觉得班很可爱

班的确可爱

他给了我们名片

叫我们带班去试镜

他是城里最有名的广告导演！

班在公园里难看地走一走

就能去试镜

上啊，班!

我去公园几千次了

却没人看上我

是挺扯的，班只是在荡秋千

我从来都是在荡秋千!

我有哪点做错？

就是那一点

上班去咯。祝我好运吧

祝好运

既然你到Ralph Laure上班，

给我搞几件衬衣如何？

上班第一天就偷东西，

是否太嚣张？

居然不想顺手牵羊

有趣

就算有免费礼物，也是送给我

好，各位，祝我好运吧

去吧! 好好干

瑞秋的生日怎么庆祝？

周末搞个惊喜派对如何？

但是，她下个月才过生日

到了正日子再开派对，

有什么惊喜可言

太好啦!我们可以办一个餐会

只请她最亲密的朋友

罗斯!我们要给瑞秋开个惊喜派对

好呀！

说定了

我们一起搞这个派对，怎样？

我喜欢和你一起搞!

她们准备一起搞

伙计，她是我的女朋友！

难道要我阻止她们？

我要出发了

我去接班，

参加试镜

由演员来扮演班的爸爸，一定很怪

比他有两个妈妈还奇怪？

什么爸爸? 这个广告里还有个爸爸？

对，“爸爸”和班一起喝汤，

假装很享受的样子

我跟你们一起去面试

争取演“爸爸”的角色！

还有谁、比班的教父

更适合演他爸爸吗？

你才不是他的教父

什么?

你开玩笑?

当然啦!

走吧,他教父

-走！

他们答应让我试镜!

真的？太好啦!

有个女导演见过我演戏

所以我就从她下手

嘿，那个小孩真面熟

对！他是拍广告的老手了！

拍过糖果广告、游戏机广告

还给电讯公司代过言

他演得真好，完全打动了我，

我还换了电讯公司

钱德还很生气

这次他没戏，班比他可爱多了

我是说，看看他，

看你多乖

很好

我如果能演班的爸爸，不是很棒吗

你跟班一点也不像

我比你更像班

我跟你可没熟到那个程度

那就是这两个里面二选一了，

南希，我知道你喜欢这种

我也喜欢它。瑞秋，你说呢？

哦，那种是很漂亮

但我更喜欢这个的质感

抱歉

没什么好抱歉的，你的职责之一，

就是多出好点子，

让我拿去邀功

我说笑的

她说笑的，不过，

下次别再跟她有不同意见了

我也在说笑!

有趣的办公室

真不知道怎么选

我得抽根烟

我们休息一下，出去整理一下思绪

回来再决定选哪件。

瑞秋，你抽烟吗？

不了。我爸是医生，他老是危言耸听

说什么妖魔鬼怪

都赞成公主抽烟

她们抽完烟回来，把决定都作完了！

一点没考虑我的意见！

那不公平

就是嘛

难道就因为我没有抽烟这个讨厌的、

有害的习惯，就该受罚？

该罚

要是一直这么糟糕可怎么办？

她们总在抽烟时作出所有的决定

我却呆在自己的办公室里

吸我笨蛋的清新空气

以后当Kim想提拔下属

你说她会选谁？我还是那个大烟抢？

你可以跟出去而不抽烟，

就说你想呼吸新鲜空气

对

或者更简单点，你可以跟去抽烟

去喝咖啡吗？

喔，很好

我也去

噢，好

喔，我改变主意了

我们来筹办派对吧，我想了很多点子

我也是!

噢，看

这是蛋糕的草图，

菜单样品

我提供果品和小吃

而音乐方面，这是我的CD清单

按字母排序

我把开胃的音乐标出来了

不是说好亲密朋友的小餐会而已？

计划有变

万事具备啦，多谢你，合作伙伴

没有啊，我还留了很多工作

需要你来搞定

例如呢？

杯子

你让我管杯子？

还有冰

杯子和冰？

我负责杯子和冰？

好吧。我就负责杯子和冰

等一下,我可以从餐厅拿些冰回来

别跟我抢！

试镜结果如何？

砸锅了

你是说乔伊表现不理想吧？

你成功了？

对，我成功了!

对，班获得了复试机会

是我让罗斯那样沮丧，我失败了

你也可以参加复试，对吧？

对，我成功了!

瑞秋，你来这里做什么？

里面怪寂寞的，所以我出来

呼吸清新空气

我们在谈秋季时装

噢，很好

我们非常

抱歉。我们把烟都喷到你身上了

没关系

我们走开点。你留在那里吧

我把设计交给大老板，他非常欣赏

真棒，你最厉害！

不好意思，我来一根可以吗？

就这根好了。。。

什么事这么有趣啊？

我以为你不抽烟

我原以为你们是吸大麻

知道我的意思吗，像瘾君子那样

我还以为你们那么疯呢

普通香烟，我一直爱抽

好兴奋！

我也是

我说笑的

我也是

天啊! 等待结果真是一种折磨！

你怎么应付的？

不幸得很，通常我都落选，所以——

他们叫我们留下来等结果，

是好兆头吗？

你问我、我问谁

请雷蒙德、班、凯尔和

乔伊留下来参加决赛。

其余人请回，多谢配合

哈! 我就知道会赢!

再见

再见了

下次见

太好了!我也许有机会演班的爸爸

那不可能

你们长得一点都不像

你和雷蒙德一组，凯尔和班一组

最终，要么是你们俩，要么是你们俩

那太怪了

就是就是，是很怪

不。我们是最好的朋友，

所以才觉得这种安排不爽

哦，我只是附和你们而已

我把这些东西寄放在你这里，

一直到瑞秋的生日会。怎么样？

当然可以。那里面是什么？

杯子

瑞秋要喝水，我们就给她海洋？

这里杯子可真多

是莫妮卡叫我分管杯子和冰块

我要让她后悔莫及

我曾因为她交代的事没做完

而后悔莫及

好,我去把剩余的杯子也拿来

嗨,乔伊

嗨

罗斯,很高兴你在

我想跟你谈谈

怎么了？

我一直在想广告的事

我和班

我们两个竞争，谁赢了都不会开心

我想退出，我会告诉他们，

我不去试镜了

乔伊，那太好了

谢谢你，伙计

什么？

你竟忍心让我退出？

我们讨论的可是我的事业！

不是你说——

我是说，你该让班退出

谁该退出？班该退出！

什么?

钱德,你给他解释

哦，我先去应门

嗨，莫须有先生!

班干嘛要退出？

班平生第一次参加试镜

你却要拖他后腿

你这个“拖后腿爸爸”！

至少我懂得关心他的感受！

什么？

他如果落选，你知道他会多难受吗？

他怎么可能落选

得了吧!

你没看到我“儿子”多能耐吗？

他会拨电话、吃玉米饼，

还会跟卡通老虎踢足球!

你“儿子”比我儿子会喝汤？

你的遗传毕竟有限，伙计

是吗，咱们走着瞧！

好！这个广告，铁定是我和米奇的!

你的儿子叫雷蒙德

-是吗？你的也是!

工作怎样了？

很好

我照你说的办，跟了她们出去。

我们谈公事

Kim采纳了我的意见

厉害

谢谢

我是说你臭得厉害

那是因为我过去的时候

她们正在吞云吐雾

这其实是我凯旋的味道

我还是觉得怪怪的

天啊! 你抽烟了!

我没抽

你抽了。你看来快乐而病态，你抽烟了!

好吧! 但我是不得已！

我为了事业而牺牲

我也希望为了事业而做这种牺牲

恶心！

也不是那么糟啦，

没错我舌头有点打结，

手指也有气味

我想吐

你能克服这种感觉，然后就舒服了

受不了你的烟味！我要走了！

我说真的

我觉得你很香

决定了？不要格子花呢，要粉红那种

当然

我完全同意！

你不是刚刚才点上烟吗？

是呀

但我最近在打算戒烟

祝好运，瑞秋

我最近一直都想戒烟

每个周末夜，我都发誓要戒烟

一到星期一早上，我又故态复萌

是吗？

我们都戒烟吧

这主意不错

我肯定戒不掉

你能行的。一定行

我们互相帮助

我们都用戒烟贴片

我们组织一个戒烟贴片姐妹会

我们真的该戒烟。

好，说戒就戒!

太好了!把烟都给我。

来! 扔掉！行了

那火机是我现任丈夫送我的

我可不是开玩笑

好吧

好

“恩～～～汤”

罗斯马上来了。你能帮我看着班吗

我去洗手间

没问题

谢谢

小班班，你想当演员？

我可告诉你，这一行可不像搞野餐

经常落选，而且一点也不稳定

今天你可能演大医生

明天就可能去要饭

乔伊！

罗斯！

班！

我是说,班班

雷蒙德、乔伊，到你们了

好，我们来试试

你们准备好就开始

有问题吗？

哎，这是面汤

我一直在练喝番茄汤

但没关系，没问题

恩～～～面汤

好的，但台词是：“恩～～～汤”

那我说的是？

你说的是，“恩～～～面汤”

有分别吗？

哦，明白了

好，开拍

“恩～～～”

“～～～面汤”

重拍

“恩～～～”

“汤，哦，我是说面汤，应该是汤！”

受不了!

下一对

别！再给我一次机会！

看着

“恩～～～面汤”

见鬼!

糟了!

你在做什么？我们不是一起戒烟吗？

戒烟贴片不起作用

我们想戒掉，但太难了

就算你们想再抽，

至少跟我说一声啊

给我一根烟。聊到哪儿了？

你戒烟很成功，别放弃！

我们不告诉你，也就是因为

不想拖你下水

别这样，拖我下水好了

我们为你的戒烟壮举而骄傲

我不准你再吸烟。

抓到你抽烟就解雇你

走远点，我不想让你闻到烟味

好，你陪我去一趟巴黎

天啊

看！杯型帽子，杯子旗帜

杯状灯饰，还有我本该找的

杯子!

找杯子你可真在行！

那你跟她好得了

你注意到那些冰吗？

看!

我们应有尽有，有刨冰、方冰

还有干冰，看！

真神奇

厉害

没有人吃我的东西

他们都在吃她的冰激凌

有冰激凌吗？

要吃就去拿

谢谢！谢谢！

惊喜吧？

什么？我下个月才过生日呀

所以才叫惊喜啊

噢，天，各位!真太棒了!真意外

钱德的生日不是比我早吗

好吃惊！

真棒

这么多杯子

好奇怪

我负责杯子

也不是很奇怪

我很抱歉，试镜不顺利

是啊你很抱歉

真的，乔伊，我很难过

罗斯，你不必难过

我笨又不是你的错

还演员呢，一句台词都讲不好，

不就是”恩——面汤”吗

你表现差，也许不是因为你笨

而是因为你关心你的教子

你什么意思？

下意识你在让他

听不懂

就是说，你故意演砸，

以便给班一个机会

你这么说，我听起来好受多了

我并非糟糕透顶的演员

我只是太关心小班了

他的成功，对我来说更重要

就是,谢谢你

谢谢你

他成功了吗？

没有。

那没办法

请问瑞秋在吗？她约我午饭时间过来

她走了。请到10楼找她

好

昨天午饭时，我们谈到展示会

他说不知道一个人是否够用

我说”当然够了”！

呆会见！

519 The One Where Ross Can't Flirt

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is getting ready for a date with Monica as Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: Wow! You look nice. What's the occasion?

Chandler: Monica and I are celebrating our ten-month anniversary, we've got reservations at Ja George.

Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?

Chandler: Made a few calls, pulled some strings, and they agreed to seat us at 11:30 if we both had the chicken and didn't get desert.

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it. It's the pizza delivery girl.)

Delivery Girl: Hi Chandler!

Chandler: Hey Caitlin! Somebody got a haircut.

Caitlin: Ugh, I hate it! I look like an 8-year-old boy.

Chandler: Yeah, if that was true, gym class would've been a lot more interesting.

Caitlin: It's uh, 27 dollars even.

Chandler: Oh, okay. (Hands her the money.) Here you go.

(The duck starts quacking.)

Caitlin: Hey, where's the chicken?

Chandler: Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off, said that eggs came first.

Caitlin: (laughs) Great. I'll see you later!

Chandler: Okay, bye!

(He closes the door and turns to see Ross glaring at him.)

Ross: What the hell was that?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: The flirting! Aren't you supposed to be going out with, I don't know hmm, let's say my sister?!

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: It was totally flirting. "Somebody got a haircut (Makes some whiney, nasally noises.)"

Chandler: Okay first of all, the impression, uncanny. And second, that was not flirting, that was just casual conversation between two people. That is all.

Ross: Yeah, right.

Chandler: You wanna see flirting? I'll show you flirting. (Starts to move towards Ross.)

Ross: (backing away) I'm good.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Phoebe are in the kitchen.]

Rachel: I am so proud of Joey, I can't believe he's going to be on Law & Order!

Phoebe: I know. But don't you think that it should be called Order and Law?

Rachel: No because first they arrest the guy and then they try him.

Phoebe: Don't get me started on that.

(Ross and Chandler enter with the pizzas.)

Chandler: I was not flirting.

Ross: And on your anniversary, for shame!

Rachel: What's going on?

Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: I was not and oh God, shh!

Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.

Phoebe: Sounds like somebody wants to be Mr. Pizza Delivery Girl.

Ross: Well…

Chandler: Is that what this is about? You like Caitlin?

(Ross looks at Rachel.)

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

Ross: Well, I-I was watching her the other day at the pizza place.

Rachel: Hm-mmm.

Ross: And she's just so sexy and funny and has the cutest little…

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? We don't need her measurements.

Phoebe: (looking through the pizzas) Okay pepperoni, pepperoni, pepperoni, okay Ross, I know she's pretty and you love her, but is she stupid?! She forgot my vegetarian!

Ross: This is perfect! She'll have to come back here with your pizza, and when she does, I'll turn on the Charm-O-Ross. Oh I'm so glad you don't eat meat.

Phoebe: See? Vegetarianism benefits everyone.

Joey: (entering, with his grandmother) Hey everybody, look who's here! You remember my grandmother!

Rachel: Big night!

Phoebe: This is so cool!

Chandler: So, Joey on Law & Order, you must be very proud!

Joey: Chandler, she doesn't understand a word of English.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I thought you were Joey's other grandmother. (She just stares at him.) I've done it again.

Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.

(They both start speaking Italian to each other, and since I'm not Italian and don't understand one word, we'll move on to the English portion of the show. Not, that I'm English. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that I'm not. Y'know I think I should shut-up now and move on. Anyhoo, she says something about Joey being fat I think based on this line.)

Joey: Yeah, I uh weighted like 27 pounds when I was born so…

Monica: (entering from the bathroom) Hey! Happy Anniversary!

Chandler: Happy Anniversary, 10 months! (They kiss.)

Monica: So umm, when I was in the shower I was thinking about our first night in London…

Chandler: Uhh, Joey's grandmother is right there. (Points)

Monica: Is that the one that speaks English or the one that doesn't?

Chandler: The one that doesn't.

Monica: That was some hot love you gave me! I'm gonna go get ready.

Chandler: Hey, why don't you wear those earrings I gave you?

Monica: That's a great idea! I was saving them for something special.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: (runs over to Phoebe) You have got to go home!

Phoebe: But I like it here!

Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.

Phoebe: Okay, well I think that they're in my purse. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll look for them.

Monica: Great!

Phoebe: Okay! (Walks over to Rachel) Rach, hi, I need those earrings you borrowed.

Rachel: Oh, umm, okay, yeah, I'll be, yeah I'll be right back. (Goes to her room.)

(Phoebe then gets possessed 'cause she starts speaking in tongues. She speaks Italian to Joey's grandmother. She is quickly exorcised and returns to speaking in English. Of course, too most people English is a strange language as well. But none of them are probably reading this and if they were they wouldn't understand it. So why am I talking about them? I have absolutely no clue. Moving on…)

Joey: Wow Pheebs, you speak Italian?

Phoebe: I guess so. (See, the brief possession didn't affect her at all, like we could really tell.)

Rachel: (She enters and hands Phoebe the earring) Here you go. Thank you!

Phoebe: Wait, Rach! Where's the other one?

Rachel: Oh what, you-you want both of them?

Phoebe: Rachel Karen Green, where's the other earring?!

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.

Phoebe: Well, what am I going to tell Monica? She wants to wear them tonight!

Rachel: Tell her to wear her own earrings.

Phoebe: These are her earrings.

Rachel: Nooo! Nooooo! You lent me Monica's earrings?! I'm not allowed to borrow her stuff!

Phoebe: Why not?

Rachel: Because I lose her stuff!

[Time Lapse, the gang is now watching Law & Order. By the way, the entire rest of the episode takes place in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? Something to think about.]

Joey: Okay, see that blind guy right there? I'm gonna bash his head in later.

(His grandmother asks him something.)

Joey: Oh umm, my big scene is coming up. Big scene coming up.

Chandler: If you said, "Big lima bean, bubbling up." Would she understand the difference?

Monica: (noticing Rachel crawling behind the couch) Rach? What are you doing?

Rachel: Oh boy, I just can't watch. It's too scary!

Monica: It's a diaper commercial.

Rachel: Oh yeah well, you know me, babies, responsibilities, ahhh!!!

(There's a knock on the door.)

Caitlin: Pizza delivery!

Ross: I'll get it! I will get that! (Runs over and opens the door.)

Caitlin: Hi!

Ross: Hi!

Caitlin: One uh, vegetarian pizza. That's $12.15.

Ross: Oh. Uh, by the way, if it makes you feel any better. I happen to like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.

Caitlin: Oh. Thanks.

Ross: You understand I don't actually like 8-year-old boys.

Caitlin: Y'know, all I'm looking for is the money.

Chandler: Here you go. (Hands her the money.) Now stop bringing us pizzas you.

Caitlin: I'm gonna try. (Walks away and Ross closes the door.)

Chandler: You're welcome.

Ross: You couldn't let me have her, could ya?!

Chandler: What?

Ross: This is a girl that I really like and had too swoop in there!

Monica: What's goin' on?

Ross: Chandler was totally flirting with the hot delivery girl!

Chandler: Thank you for that! (To Monica) I was not flirting.

Monica: It's okay. I don't care. It's uh, it's fine.

Ross: Really?!

Chandler: Really?!

Monica: It's no big deal, I do it all the time.

Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?

Monica: Sure! It doesn't mean anything! Just like I know it doesn't mean anything with you!

Chandler: Okay, but there is a big difference. You are a lot hotter than I am.

Joey: (walking past) True story! (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?

Chandler: Yes, it does bother me! And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?

Rachel: Uhh, no, no, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Ross: And thank you, for that.

Rachel: But y'know, I never really had anything to worry about. Ross was never very good at the flirting thing.

Ross: What? (Mumbles) What-what, what are talking about? It-it worked with you.

Rachel: Oh! Y'know what? You're right! We meet, you flirted and then bamn nine years later you had me!

Ross: All right, all right. You-you-you know what I'm going to do? I am going to order another pizza and when Caitlin gets here, you-you--I will show how well I flirt. Yeah! I will, I will get her phone number! (To Chandler) And not the one on the menu!

Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) I found it!

Rachel: Ohh! Thank God! Where was it?

Phoebe: On your dresser.

Rachel: Okay that is the one we already have!

Joey: Okay, here's my big scene. My big scene's here! (They have two of the cops on the street, then they cut to where they're entering an apartment.) Oh my God.

Monica: What?

Joey: (smiling) Okay, everybody just keep smiling. It'll kill my grandmother if she finds out.

Chandler: (smiling) Well, what is it?

Joey: (smiling) Oh, they cut me out of the show.

Rachel: (smiling) What?!

Ross: (smiling) Are you sure?

Phoebe: (smiling) Maybe your scene's coming up?

Joey: (smiling) Not likely. 'Cause you see that body bag right there

Rachel: (smiling) Yeah.

Joey: (smiling) I'm in it.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, it's continued from before the commercial break.]

Phoebe: (smiling) This is terrible, what are you going to do?

Joey: (smiling) I don't know. This little, old lady lives for my career. When they dumped me off of Days of Our Lives she almost died.

Phoebe: (not smiling) That's not good.

Joey: (smiling) No, smile! Not that face, smile! Everybody smile! (They all smile.)

Rachel: (smiling) Joey, why don't you just tell her what happened? It's not your fault.

Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?

Grandma Tribbiani: (Something in Italian to Joey.)

Joey: Soon, soon, I'm gonna be on soon. There I am! (Points to the screen, of course it isn't him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: (pointing at the screen) No! Sam Waterston!

Joey: No-no-no, that-that's me, that's me.

Grandma Tribbiani: No, it's Sam Waterston! Crimes and Misdemeanors, Capricorn One.

Chandler: Doesn't know, "Hello." But she knows Capricorn One.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Monica: (following her) Phoebe! I have to have those earrings, we're going to leave as soon as the show is over.

Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!

Monica: No you didn't.

Phoebe: All right, I already didn't give them back to you, that's what I said. (Walks away over to Rachel.) Where is that other earring?

Rachel: It's not here Pheebs, it's not here. Ohh, I went to Joey and Chandler's last night! Okay! (Goes to the door.)

Phoebe: Make sure you check Chandler's jewelry box.

Rachel: Wait a minute. Chandler has a jewelry box?

Phoebe: Okay, we have like ten minutes. Do you want me to get into that now?!

(Rachel heads for Joey and Chandler's and Phoebe heads for the kitchen to find Ross.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) Hey Pheebs! How's that uh, vegetarian pizza working out for ya? You and those vegetables have a real thing going on, huh?

Phoebe: (she just looks at him) Why are you being weird?

Ross: Do you like it?

Phoebe: No, that would be, "Why are you being cute?"

Ross: Okay, I'm working on my flirting.

Phoebe: Ohh! I did not get that.

[Cut to Chandler and Monica on the couch.]

Chandler: So uh Monica, do you, do you like the Law & Order?

Monica: Yeah, it's good.

Chandler: See, I'm finding out all this stuff about you today, like you like the Law & Order and that you flirted with every guy in the Tri-State area!

Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.

Chandler: Oh, I'm so glad we cleared that up. Look, I'm sorry, some things are different for men and for women.

Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women.

Chandler: Okay, I've already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, "I'm just flirting, no big deal." But the guy is thinking, "Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!"

Monica: No way!

Chandler: It's true.

Monica: Well that's pathetic!

Chandler: Again true.

Monica: And this goes for all guys?

Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.

Joey: (To Ross in the kitchen) All right, it's another commercial; I still haven't told her!

Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!

Joey: I know, I know! What am I going to do? (Thinks) Ooh!

Monica: No! You are not gonna run out and leave her here!

Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey!

Chandler: Uh, Joey is gonna be right back. Right back! (Tries to pantomime it for her.) Meanwhile, let's-let's-let's talk about you. (Pause.) So, you're old and small.

[Time lapse, Rachel is coming back from Chandler and Joey's.]

Rachel: (entering) (To Phoebe) (whispering) Hey!

Phoebe: Did you find it?

Rachel: The earring? No. But look, I found my sunglasses under the couch! I've been looking for these since like last summer. (Puts 'em on.)

Phoebe: Okay, those are my sunglasses, you borrowed them from me.

Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)

Monica: (entering from her room) Phoebe! (Motions for the earrings. Phoebe gives her the one-minute sign.)

Phoebe: (To Rachel) What are we going to do?!

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Phoebe: All right well, we're just gonna have to tell Monica, that's all.

Rachel: Oh gosh, she's going to kill me.

Phoebe: I suppose I could tell her it's just all my fault.

Rachel: Ohh that'd be great!

Phoebe: Mon, can I talk to you for a sec?

Monica: Yeah, what is it?

Phoebe: Umm, I lost one of your earrings. I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!

Monica: (shocked) Wow! All right well, I mean, what can you do? If you lost it you lost it.

Phoebe: I will replace it, I promise. I feel so terrible.

Monica: All right, sweetie that's fine. You didn't do it on purpose.

Phoebe: No.

Monica: Look at you! Come here! (They hug.) Feel better?

Phoebe: Yeah! You're the best!

Rachel: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I-I-I, I can't do this. Listen honey, this is, it's not Phoebe's fault. She lent me the earrings, and I lost it. I'm so sorry. Honey, I feel terrible too. (Holds out her arms for a hug.)

Monica: (angrily) That is exactly why I do not lend you stuff!! (Rachel looks over at Phoebe in resignation.) Okay?! I mean, first it's my jewelry! And if it's not my jewelry, it's-it's my blue sweater! And if it's not my sweater, it's my sunglasses!

Rachel: Your sunglasses?!

Monica: Yes!

Phoebe: Oh, right! (Hands Monica back her sunglasses.)

Caitlin: (from outside) Pizza!

Ross: (running to the door) Oh, mine! Mine! Mine! (to everyone) Okay, here goes. Prepare yourselves for some Class A flirting.

Chandler: Okay, hold on. (Pauses as he readies himself.) Okay. (Walks away.)

Rachel: Honey, you have nothing to prove. And if you really like this girl, I don't flirting is the right thing to… (Ross interrupts and shushes her.)

Ross: You'll see. Okay. (Readies himself.) Oh, what's-what's her name?

All: Caitlin!

Grandma Tribbiani: Caitlin!

Ross: (He opens the door while faking a laugh.) Hey! Oh, we-we can't keep eating like this. (Monica turns her head in shame.)

Caitlin: It's uh, $12.50.

Ross: Okay, (gets the money) so, do you make the pizzas in one of those uh, wood-burning ovens?

Caitlin: No actually umm, I think that they're umm, gas.

Ross: Gas? Wow! Intense.

Chandler: (To Monica) If this is the way all the Gellers flirt, we don't have a problem.

Ross: (to Caitlin) Hey uh, y'know that smell gas has?

Caitlin: (wanting more than anything to get the money and leave this horrible, horrible place) Yeah.

Ross: They put that in.

Caitlin: What?!

Ross: The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak.

Caitlin: (getting more desperate to leave) Well okay!

Ross: A lot of other gas smells…

Chandler: Oh the humanity.

Ross: Meth-methane smells…

Caitlin: Y'know what umm, actually I, I really, I should go.

Ross: Oh but I-I-I haven't paid you yet!

Caitlin: Y'know what? That's okay, you guys have ordered so many that this one is on me! (Runs for her life.)

(Ross closes the door slowly.)

Ross: (To All) Was I talking to her about gas?

Chandler: More so than anything else.

Phoebe: I-I-I found it interesting.

Rachel: I'm sorry.

Ross: Look, no-no, hey, hey, don't worry about it! In nine years, she and I will be right there. (Goes and sits on the couch dejectedly.)

Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)

Phoebe: (walking over to Ross) Ross?

Ross: Yeah?

Phoebe: What else do they add smell too?

[Scene: The street outside the building, Rachel is running to catch up with Caitlin.]

Rachel: Hey! Hey! (Stops Caitlin) Hi! Hey-hey-hey, I'm Rachel! From upstairs? The ones with all the pizza?

Caitlin: Oh, is there a problem?

Rachel: No. No. Every thing's--they're fine. Great pizza. But it's uh, actually umm my friend Ross. He uh, just gets really nervous when he's flirting.

Caitlin: Oh my God! That was flirting?!

Rachel: Yeah.

Caitlin: Wow!

Rachel: I know, I know, but uh just, I'm telling you, once, once you get past that part, that where it-it just feels like you wanna die, he's-he's really a good person.

Caitlin: The guy with the gas?!

Rachel: Yeah. I'm-I'm telling you he's really sweet and he's really funny and he's just ugh, got a good heart. And besides, I y'know, I think he really likes you.

Caitlin: Really?!

Rachel: Well y'know, we have 7 people and like 10 pizzas, what do you think?

Caitlin: I just, I thought Joey was there.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey's grandmother are still watching Law & Order.]

Rachel: (entering) Hey Ross? Umm, I just ran into Caitlin in the hallway and-and uh, you must be getting better at this flirting stuff than I thought.

Ross: What do you mean?

Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but she wanted me to give you her phone number. (Hands him the slip of paper with the phone number on it.)

Ross: And she just gave you this?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: Rach, thanks but uh, I don't need you doing me any favors.

Rachel: I-I-I didn't! I didn't! She thought you were cute.

Ross: Well that I can believe.

Rachel: Yay!

Joey: (entering) Hey! Is the show still on?

Chandler: Almost over man.

Joey: (says hi to his grandma) Look! Oh! (Pointing out the window.) Is that the Pope?! (Chandler and his grandma turn to look and Joey slips a tape into the VCR.)

Chandler: Why am I looking?

Joey: Oh, here I am, here's my big scene!

(Joey has made a little home movie that's his big scene. He braces himself against the door to his apartment and while holding a plastic gun and wearing the same sweater says…)

Joey: (on the tape) All right back off! I gotta gun! I'm not afraid to use it!

Grandma Tribbiani: Oh Joey!

Joey: That's right!

Chandler: You couldn't have at least changed your shirt.

Joey: (on the tape) Now, I wanna a suitcase filled with 100,000 dollars. (The duck quacks, to the duck) Choo! Choo! Choo! (To the imaginary cops) Filled with $100,000 in small bills, and if I don't get it…(the duck quacks louder) Choo!! And if I don't get it, (pause, picks up the duck) I'm gonna shoot this duck!

Phoebe: Oh no!

Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)

Ross: (To Phoebe) And she's supposed to buy this?!

Grandma Tribbiani: Joey, bravo! (Starts with that Italian stuff again.)

(Suddenly, the tape cuts away from Joey's impromptu scene, to Chandler standing really, really close to the camera.)

Chandler: (singing) Ground control to Major Tom! Commencing countdown…engines…on!

(Joey and Chandler both run to shut off the tape.)

Joey: (to his grandmother) That's uh, scenes from next week's show. Next week's!

Phoebe: I am definitely gonna watch that!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another time lapse, Monica is seeking advice from Rachel and Phoebe about possible replacement earrings.]

Monica: What about these? These look the same?

Phoebe: Definitely!

Monica: Not as each other!

Phoebe: Oh, then no.

(Goes over to Chandler.)

Chandler: (To Monica) Hey!

Monica: Hi!

Chandler: You ready?

Monica: Yeah.

Chandler: You look amazing. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Monica: Ohh, you're about to get a little luckier.

Chandler: Let me see the earrings.

Monica: Oh, honey, the earrings…

Chandler: (looking at them) They look great! Does your boyfriend have the best taste or what?

Monica: My boyfriend really does have good taste!

(He turns to get his coat and Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe two thumbs up as Chandler walks over to Ross.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Thanks for picking out the earrings man.

Ross: Hm-mmm.

End

519 罗斯不会放电

嗨!

Wow! 穿得这么漂亮。 有什么大事吗?

今天是我和莫妮卡拍拖10个月的纪念日，

我们在Ja George订了位子。

Wow! 你怎么订到的?

打几个电话， 暗中做些手脚，

最后他们同意帮我们安排11:30的位子，

因为我答应只点鸡肉而不叫甜品。

嗨 钱德!

嗨 凯特琳! 你剪头发了。

哦，我讨厌这个发型! 看起来就像个8岁的小男孩。

要是8岁的小男孩都长得像你，

健身课可就有意思多了。

一共27块。

好的。

嘿，小鸡去了哪里?

哦，在里面。鸭子让它滚远点，

说世界上是先有蛋后有鸡。

不错。再见啦!

再见!

你刚才在搞什么?!

什么?

挑逗!

你不是和某人在交往吗？

是谁来着？

我妹妹对吗？！

我没有挑逗。

根本就是挑逗。

你剪头发了(发出嘟嘟囔囔的鼻音)

首先，你的话让我觉得，很离奇。

其次，我没有挑逗，

只不过两个人闲谈，仅此而已

对，对。

想见识真正的挑逗吗?

我给你表演。

不用了。

乔伊真了不起，

竟然能在《法律与秩序》里演出!

是啊。不过你不觉得

应该叫做《秩序与法律》才对吗?

不，因为他们是先把人抓起来，

然后才审问。

好了，别给我抱怨他们的机会。

我没有挑逗。

还要是在纪念日，可耻!

出了什么事?

钱德刚才跟送pizza的美女搭讪!

我没有！求求你了，嘘!

真对不起可是你的确做了!

而且，和她搭讪的那个人

起码应该是个单身的，

应该是个能和她有发展的。

某人似乎看上了那个送pizza的美女，

想做人家的老公哦。

这个……

就因为这个吗? 你喜欢凯特琳?

罗斯!

我们两年前就分手了，

后来你还结了婚。

我认为你可以喜欢其他的人。

是这样，

有一天我在pizza店里留意到她。

她实在是非常性感，非常有趣，

而且有最最可爱的小……

打住，我们不需要知道她的三围。

辣香肠，辣香肠，辣香肠，

罗斯，我知道她很漂亮，你喜欢她，

可是她脑子没问题吗？

她忘了我的素食pizza!

太好了!

她一定会送来你的pizza，到时候

我就能向她展示

充满魅力的“哦，罗斯”。

你不吃荤真是太好了。

看见了? 素食主义，人人受益。

嗨 各位，瞧瞧! 还记得我奶奶吗？

今晚真不一般!

太棒了!

乔伊在《法律与秩序》里演出，

你一定很为他骄傲！

钱德，她听不懂英语。

真对不起，我以为你是乔伊的外婆。

我又错了一次。

她最崇拜我了。

她是我们家里唯一一个相信我实力的。

对，大明星，我的大，胖子，

乔伊，明星

我出生的时候差不多有27磅重。

嗨! 纪念日快乐!

纪念日快乐，十个月了!

嗯，刚才洗澡的时候我想起

我们在伦敦的第一夜……

哦，乔伊的祖母在那儿呢。

是那个懂英语的还是那个不懂的？

不懂的。

那一夜你真是热情如火!

我要进去准备准备。

嗨，不如戴上我送给你的那副耳环吧?

好主意! 我一直留着它们，

想等到特殊的日子才戴。

好的。

你得回去了!

可是我喜欢这儿!

你得回去把我借给你的耳环拿过来。

钱德想让我今晚戴。

好吧，我好象就放在皮包里，

你先去换衣服吧，我找找。

瑞秋，嗨，

你得把那副耳环还给我了。

哦，呃，好，等一会儿，

我这就拿给你。

Wow 菲比，你会说意大利语?

我猜是吧。

给你。多谢啦!

等等，瑞秋! 还有一只呢？

怎么，你还想要两只?

瑞秋.凯伦.格林，还有一只呢?!

好好好，你千万别发火，

我好象弄丢了。

我知道就在这间屋子里，

不过肯定找不到了。

你让我怎么向莫妮卡交代?

她今晚要戴！

让她戴她自己的。

这就是她的。

不是吧！! 不是吧！！!

你把莫妮卡的耳环借给我?!

她不准我借她的东西!

为什么?

因为我总是弄丢!

看见那个瞎子了吗?

我等下要打他的头。

哦，我的镜头快到了。

镜头，快到了。

要是你说“筋斗怪跑了。”

她能听出有什么区别吗?

瑞秋? 你在干什么?

哦，我不敢看那个。太吓人了!

现在放的是尿布广告。

哦，你了解我的，婴儿啊，责任啊，啊~~~

Pizza送到了!

我来了! 我来开门!

嗨!

一个素食pizza。 12块5。

哦，顺便说一句，

希望能让你感觉好一点。

我碰巧喜欢8岁的小男孩。

什么?!

呃，你的发型，刚才，我是说，

你说你看上去像个8岁的小男孩，

所以我说我喜欢。

你的发型。

谢谢。

你明白吧？

我并不是真的喜欢8岁的小男孩。

你也明白吧？我在等你把钱给我。

我来给吧。

不用再给我们送pizza了。

我希望吧。

不用客气。

你就是不想让我得手，是不是?!

什么?

一个我非常喜欢

但不得不和别人去拼抢的女孩!

出了什么事?

钱德大肆挑逗送pizza的美女!

谢谢你这么说!

我没有挑逗。

没关系的。我不介意。这很正常。

真的?!

没什么大不了的，我整天都这样。

呃，你整天都挑逗别的男人?

是啊! 我觉得没什么!

所以我觉得你这样做也没什么!

但是这有很大区别。你比我有魅力得多。

诚实的孩子!

钱德，你介意?

对，我介意!

而且我觉得很多人都会介意。

瑞秋，你从前和罗斯交往的时候，

如果他挑逗别的女人，你介意吗？

呃，不，不会，

如果他和别的女人睡觉，我才介意。

谢谢你这么说。

我根本不需要担心，

罗斯一向不善于放电。

什么什么？你说什么？

我电你很见效。

哦！你算说对了！

我们相遇时你跟我调情，

终于！九年之后你得到了我！

好，好。

猜猜我要干什么？我要再叫一份pizza，

到时候凯特琳来到这里，

我就让你们见识见识我怎样放电。

我一定能弄到她的电话号码，

而且不是包装盒上面那个！

我找到了!

哦！谢天谢地！在哪儿找到的？

你的梳妆台上。

这就是刚才那一只！

我的镜头！到我的镜头了！

我打赌没有人听见一个字。

我不和你赌。

有人在家吗?

天哪。

怎么了？

大家保持笑容。

要是我奶奶发现了她会气死。

到底怎么了？

他们把我的镜头剪掉了。

什么?!

你说真的?

可能等一下就有呢？

好象不太可能。

你们看见那个装尸体的袋子了吗？

看见了。

我就在里面。

这下惨了，怎么办？

我不知道。

我的事业是我奶奶生命的支柱。

上次我没能演《我们的日子》，

她伤心得几乎死掉。

糟糕。

笑一笑！别那个表情，

笑啊！大家都要笑！

乔伊，干吗不告诉她？又不是你的错。

要是我们一直用这个表情说话，

她不是一样会发疯？

快了，快了！就快到我了。

那个就是我！

不对！那个是山姆.沃特斯顿！

不对，那个就是我，就是我。

不对！那个是山姆.沃特斯顿！

演《犯罪与不端》和

《摩羯宫一号》的那个。

她不会说“你好”，

可她知道《摩羯宫一号》。

菲比!

你现在就得把耳环给我！

片子一演完我们就要走了！

可是我已经还给你了！

没有啊。

我确实还给你了！我说的！

还有一只呢？

找不到，菲比，找不到！

哦，我昨晚去了乔伊和钱德那边。

记得一定要在钱德的首饰盒里找一找。

钱德有首饰盒?

拜托！我们只有十分钟了，

你还要跟我讨论这个？

嗨，菲比!

那个，啊，

素食pizza对你起了什么作用吗？

你和那些蔬菜之间一定发生了些什么，

对吗？

你怎么这么古怪？

喜欢吗?

不，要是喜欢

我会说：“你怎么这么可爱？”

我在练习如何挑逗。

哦！没看出来。

莫妮卡，你喜欢看《法律与秩序》吗？

喜欢啊，还不错。

我今天发现了很多有关你的事情，

像你喜欢看《法律与秩序》，

像你挑逗三州地区的每一个男人！

钱德！我知道你想说什么了，

你挑逗别人就可以，我就不可以。

哦，真高兴，终于挑明了。

我也很抱歉，

可是有些事情对于男人和女人是不同的。

继续，教教我关于男人和女人的事情。

好吧，虽然我已经教了你那么多，

不过没关系，

当你挑逗别人的时候你会想：

“我不过和他玩玩，没什么大不了的。”

但那人就会想：

“太棒了！总算有人想和我睡觉了！”

不可能!

是真的。

那太惨了!

也是真的。

每个男人都这样想吗?

每个醒着的男人。

等他们睡着了，

地球另一侧的男人们醒来，

继续同样的事。

又到广告时间了，

我还是没有告诉她！

乔伊！这应该是最后一次广告了。

我们只剩下10分钟了！

我知道，我知道！我该怎么办？

哦!

不要! 你不要自己开溜，

把她扔在这里！

好吧。

哦!

乔伊!

呃，乔伊很快就会回来。

很快回来!

趁这个时间，我们来谈谈你吧！

你年纪老，个子小，

找到了吗？

耳环？没有。

不过我从沙发下面找到了太阳镜！

从去年夏天我就开始找它了。

那是我的，你向我借的。

哦，别激动，还给你。

菲比!

怎么办?!

不知道,不知道。

好吧，

只好告诉她了，只能这样了。

上帝，她会宰了我的。

我可以跟她说是我弄丢的。

太谢谢了！

莫妮卡，我有点事想告诉你。

什么事?

呃，我把你的耳环弄丢了一只。

对不起！真是对不起！

Wow!

没关系，还能怎么样呢？

丢就丢了呗。

我会帮你配一只的，我保证。

我好内疚。

好了，亲爱的，没事，

你又不是故意的。

不行。

你瞧你！过来！

好点了吗?

好多了！你最好了！

等一下，等一下，

我不能这么做。

亲爱的，听我说，不是菲比搞丢的，

她把耳环借给我，我搞丢了。

真对不起！亲爱的，我也好内疚。

就是因为这个我才不把东西借给你！

首先，你弄丢了我的首饰！

除了首饰，还有我的蓝色外套！

除了外套，还有我的太阳镜！

你的太阳镜?!

是的!

哦，对哦!

Pizza!

哦，我的! 我的! 我的!

现在开始，准备好了吗？

顶级放电秀即将上演。

等一下。

可以了。

亲爱的，你不需要证明什么。

何况如果你真的喜欢她，

我认为挑逗并不是一个好……

走着瞧吧。

哦,她叫什么来着?

凯特琳!

嗨! 哦，我们不能再这么吃下去了。

12块5。

好的，

你们的pizza

是用烧木柴的炉子烤出来的吗？

不是的，我想是用煤气吧。

煤气? Wow!

很剧烈。

如果盖勒家的人都是这么个挑逗法，

我就不用担心了。

嘿，你知道煤气有一种气味吗？

知道。

是加进去的。

什么?!

煤气是无嗅的，

但他们加入一种气味剂，

这样一旦发生泄露你就能觉察到。

哦!

其他很多气体也有气味，

还有没有人性啊。

像天然气啦……

好了，我想我得走了。

可我还没给你钱呢！

不要紧，

你们今天叫了这么多，

这一个算我请的。

我刚才在跟她谈煤气吗？

除了这个没别的了。

我觉得很有意思。

抱歉。

嘿，嘿，不用，不用担心！

九年之内，我一定能达到目的。

好吧，我把这些盒子扔出去。

罗斯?

嗯？

还有什么是添加了气味剂的？

嗨！嗨！嗨嗨！

我叫瑞秋，住楼上的。

叫了一大堆pizza的那间。

哦，pizza有问题吗？

没有没有，没问题，很棒的pizza。

是关于我朋友罗斯的。

他每次调情的时候都会很紧张。

天哪!

刚才那是调情吗?!

是。

Wow!

我知道，我知道，我只是想跟你说，

一旦你度过了那个

让你生不如死的阶段，

你就知道他为人其实很不错。

整天谈论煤气?!

对。其实他很招人喜欢，很有趣，

而且他心肠很好。

而且，我觉得他真的很喜欢你。

真的?!

你也看见了，我们只有7个人，

叫了10个pizza，你说为什么呢？

乔伊不是在那里吗？

嗨，罗斯，

呃，我刚才在走廊里碰到凯特琳，

你的挑逗手段比我想象中有效。

什么意思?

我不知道为什么，

她让我把她的电话给你。

她给你的？

对!

瑞秋，谢谢你，不过我不需要你帮忙。

我没有啊，没有，是她觉得你很可爱。

这我相信！

对吧!

嗨! 还在播电视剧吗?

就快演完了。

看啊！哦！

那不是教皇吗?!

我又看个什么?

哦，我来了，我的镜头！

后退!

我有枪!

我会开枪的！

哦，乔伊!

对啦!

你就不能换件衣服？

听好了，

我要一个手提箱，装上十万美金。

去！去！去！

十万美金，要小面值的，

要是我拿不到……去!!

要是我拿不到，

我就毙了这只鸭子！

不要啊!

我要出来了!

她会相信吗？

乔伊，真勇敢!

那是下周的节目预告，下周的！

我一定会看那个的！

怎么样？看上去一样吗？

当然！

两个比较起来呢？

哦,不太像。

可以走了吗？

可以了。

你真漂亮。

我真是世界上最幸运的人。

哦，等一会你会更加幸运。

让我看看耳环。

哦，耳环……

真漂亮！

你的男朋友是不是很有品位？

他确实很有品位！

多谢你帮忙挑选耳环。

a

520 The One With The Ride Along

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, and Monica are sitting on the couch as Ross is up getting some coffee.]

Monica: Okay, guys, listen, don't forget that tomorrow is the day that Emily gets married again, so whatever we do, just try to really keep Ross's mind off of it.

Joey: Oh, yeah, good idea.

(Ross returns.)

Chandler: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: (sits down at the table) Oh, eh, just thinking about Emily getting married tomorrow. (Joey panics.)

Joey: Ooh, Ross, look! Look! (Points behind Ross.)

Ross: (turning and looking) What? Where?

Joey: Right over there! Right there! Look-look-look!

Ross: What am I looking at?

Joey: (to the rest of the gang) Somebody help me out here!

Phoebe: (entering, with Gary) Hey!

Gary: Hello!

Monica: Hey!

Gary: How are you?

Phoebe: Monica, I'm sorry I didn't come by last night. I was out with Gary; he let me ride around with him in his cop car. We saw and prevented crimes.

Joey: You got to go on a ride along?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

Joey: I want to go on a ride along!

Ross: Me too!

Gary: Okay!

Chandler: Yeah, yeah! Me too!

Gary: Really?! You?

Chandler: Yeah.

Gary: Well, it's kinda dangerous.

Chandler: Well, I like danger.

Gary: Okay, you guys free tonight?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!!

Chandler: Tonight? You-you didn't say it was going to be at nighttime.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is kneeling at the coffee table and has a bunch of pictures laid out in front of her as Rachel enters.]

Rachel: Hey!

Monica: Hey! Oh, I'm so glad you're home, I thought tonight we could finally organize these photos!

Rachel: Ohh, thank God! Finally!

Monica: Okay, I've broken them down into categories. Okay, we have uh, we got holidays, birthdays, candids, y'know… And then what I've done is I've cross-referenced them by subject. Right? So if you're looking up, oh let's say birthdays and dogs, you get Photo 152. See? (Hands her the photo.)

Rachel: Ohh, it's me and La Poo! Wow! I miss that dog.

Monica: You can also find him under umm, dog and dead.

Rachel: Great! Thanks!

Monica: All right, hand me that other box of photos; that's the very last one.

Rachel: Okay.

(She picks up the box and the bottom falls out, spilling all of the pictures onto Monica's neat little piles.)

Rachel: Oops. Sorry! Well, good thing you number all of them, huh?

Monica: I hadn't! Photo 152 was a prototype.

Rachel: Ohhhh. Honey, honey, honey, it's okay, it's okay honey. I'm gonna fix you a drink, huh? Maybe a margarita?

Ross: Ross has the blender! Ugh, everything's just falling apart!

Rachel: No honey, it's okay! Listen, I'll got to Ross's and get the blender, you get all the margarita stuff ready.

Monica: All right, he's keys are in the drawer. Y'know what? I also need some cash.

Rachel: Okay, you want me to stop at the ATM?

Monica: Nah, while you're at Ross's if you see any lying around…

Rachel: What?!

Monica: What?! I-I-I don't, I don't do that!

(Rachel slowly leaves the apartment.)

[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]

Ross: (to Gary) That was so cool man, the way you leaned on that guy.

Chandler: It is starting to get dark out there.

Ross: (to Gary) He told you everything! I mean you totally cracked him!

Gary: Yeah well, being that he was the victim, they're usually pretty talkative.

Chandler: (laughing) Okay. (Deadpan) But it is officially nighttime.

(Gary reaches up to grab that little light that cops have for unmarked cop cars.)

Ross: Oh hey, Gary, want me to grab the berry for ya?

Gary: It's called the cherry.

Ross: It's the—Chandler!!

(Chandler starts laughing at his joke.)

Joey: (returning from a deli) Okay, I got it! This place makes the best sandwich in the world!

Gary: Hey Joe does it have meatballs on it?

Joey: Oh-ho, yeah!

Gary: Does it have melted cheese and marinara sauce?

Joey: Yep!

Gary: Yeah, you can't eat that in my car.

Joey: (dejected) Yeah okay. (To Chandler) Even though my tax dollars paid for this car.

Chandler: Your tax dollars?

Joey: Yeah, okay.

[Time lapse, they're still on the ride along and Joey is just sniffing his sandwich.]

Chandler: (leans in and takes a sniff of Joey's sandwich) Wow! That sandwich really does smell good.

Joey: Did I say you could smell it?!

Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey: Half the taste is in the smell! You-you're sucking up all the tastiness!

Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. (Exhales strongly through his nose and Joey just glares at him.) Look! What is so great about that sandwich?

Joey: Okay, imagine the best sex you've ever had.

Chandler: Okay.

Joey: Are you thinking about Monica?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Yeah, what's that like?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is just entering. She takes off her coat and heads for the kitchen. As she does, she knocks something off of a bookcase next to the kitchen door with her coat and it breaks.]

Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)

Monica: (on the answering machine) Rach! It's me! Pick up!

(Rachel runs over and answers the phone with the blender in hand.)

Rachel: Hey! What's up?!

Monica: I need a few more things to make the margaritas. Uhh, I need some salt, some margarita mix, and tequila.

Rachel: So all we have is ice?

Monica: See if he has ice.

Rachel: Okay.

(She hangs up the phone and starts to head back to the kitchen and notices some money lying out, stops, reaches down to pick it up, the phone rings causing her to drop it, she quickly puts it back, and heads for the kitchen.)

Emily: (on answering machine) Hello Ross? It's Emily. (Rachel runs back into the room with the tequila.) I know this is out of the blue but uh, I'm getting married tomorrow. Well, maybe I am. I keep thinking about you and I'm wondering if-if we made a mistake giving up so fast. Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Rachel: Oh. Oh! (Takes a slug of tequila.)

[Scene: The ride along.]

Ross: So where are we going next?

Gary: This witness won't return my calls so we're gonna see if we can surprise him coming home.

Chandler: Sur-surprise him? We're not, we're not gonna make anybody mad are we?

Joey: Come on man! (To Gary) Listen so uh, are you gonna squeeze the perps shoes a little bit before he lawyers up?

Gary: It's a witness not a perp. And no one talks like that!

Ross: Yeah, no one talks like that!

Joey: Oh what? Like your Mr. Cop!

Ross: Hey, I'm more cop than you two!

Chandler: How do you figure that?

Ross: Hello! I'm in the front seat, okay? I'm Gary's partner!

Chandler: Y'know, when you say partner it doesn't sound cop. It, it sounds gay.

Ross: Umm, jealous! (He drops the cherry and it turns on.)

Gary: Hey, do you mind? We're under cover here.

Ross: Yeah, no problem. (Tries to turn it off.)

Gary: Ross!

Ross: Sorry! Sorry! Oh, (He sticks it under his shirt) there! (It's just there flashing through his shirt) Hey Gary, who am I? Phone home!

(Gary just glares at him.)

[Time lapse, Ross has been demoted to the back seat with Joey and Chandler. He's not too happy about it.]

Chandler: Look at Officer Ross riding back here with the visitors.

Joey: Yeah, what's up with that Serpico?

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is playing Emily's message to Monica.]

Emily: (on answering machine) Are you thinking about me? Of course you're not, but if you are, call me tonight. Okay, bye.

Monica: (does Rachel's) Nooo!

Rachel: (does Monica's) I know!

Monica: Well thank God you were here! I mean, we have to erase that!

Rachel: What?! We can't do that!

Monica: We have too! I mean what if Ross's hears that and then calls her back and then they get back together? Is that what you want? Ross back with that controlling, neurotic, crazy Emily? The Emily that wouldn't let him see you?

Rachel: Noo! Oh no! No! God no! He should not get back together with her. I know that! You know that! Even Ross knows that! But that still doesn’t give us the right to erase his message!

Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesn’t that give me the right to control him—help him?

Rachel: I don't think he's the one who needs help.

(They both sit down.)

Monica: No, look, she's obviously unstable, okay? I mean she's thinking about running out on her wedding day. (Rachel slowly turns and glares at her.) (Realizing what she just said.) Okay, fine! But I mean, look at the position she's putting him in! What's he gonna do? Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage?! I mean, who would do that?! (Rachel again turns and glares at her in disgust.) Okay, fine, all right, but that's y'know, it's different! Although it did involve a lot of the same people.

Rachel: Ugh!

Monica: Y'know what, this is obviously some kind of twisted joke she's trying to play on him.

Rachel: Okay, you are crazy! I'm sorry, but she sounded generally upset! I mean, listen! (She hits a button on the machine.)

Answering Machine: Your messages have been erased.

Rachel: Noooooooo!

[Scene: The ride along, they're all waiting outside of the witness's house and still in the car in the same places as before.]

Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!

Gary: No. But that reminds me, (handing back a clipboard) sign this.

Ross: What is it?

Gary: Oh it's nothing, it just says that you can't sue the city if you scrap your knee or y'know, get your head blown off.

Chandler: (deadpan) Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.

Gary: Okay, here he comes. What is he doing? What the hell is he doing?!

Ross: What? What? What? What is it?

Joey: Is everything okay?

Chandler: What's going on?

Gary: Okay, he sees us. Now don't move. Don't look at him.

(They all turn and look away. Suddenly a loud bang sounds out and in slow motion Joey slowly throws his body over Ross. Gary is shocked at what he sees while Chandler is obviously hurt.)

Gary: Hey, it's okay. It was just a car backfire. (Joey slowly moves off of Ross.) Hey, look at that! You tried to save your buddy. You see that? You see what he did?

Joey: (To Ross) You okay man?

Ross: Uh-huh. Thank Joey!

Chandler: Uh, HELLO!!

Joey: Hi.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Monica has all the supplies she needs and is getting ready to leave.]

Monica: All right, I guess we should go.

Rachel: No, wait. Wait.

Monica: Oh yeah right! (She grabs the money and shoves into her pocket.)

Rachel: No, Monica! Monica! We have to fix this!

Monica: There's nothing we can do. You erased the message!

Rachel: Yeah well unless we tell him.

Monica: Well, if you're gonna be totally rational about this, I can't argue with you! All right? Fine, if you wanna tell him, tell him. I just don't want to be a part of it.

(The phone rings.)

Rachel: Oh, maybe that's Emily calling back to leave the exact same message.

Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)

Monica: Wow! Play that message for Emily and this whole problem goes away!

Rachel: Right?

[Scene: Central Perk, the guys are returning from the ride along to find Phoebe already there.]

Gary: Hey, anybody want to meet a hero?

Phoebe: (excited) John Glenn is here?!

Gary: No, Joey!

Ross: Pheebs, we had the most incredible night! Okay, so, we're in the car…

Gary: Wait! Hold on! (He goes over to Phoebe and gives her a kiss.) (To Phoebe) Hi!

Phoebe: Hi!

Gary: (To Ross) Okay, go ahead.

Ross: Okay, okay, so we're in the car. Right? And bang! A shot was fired. And Joey with no regard for his own safety throws himself on me!

Phoebe: My God, Joey!

Chandler: (pouting) It was a car backfire!

Ross: Yeah, but-but he didn't know that!

Joey: Yeah, I didn't know that.

Ross: And it could've just as easily have been a bullet.

Gary: Hey Joe, you ever think about joining the force? We could use a guy like you.

Chandler: Who jumps at loud noises!

Ross: Wow! I could've died tonight.

Chandler: Yeah! If the car that backfired had run over you! Y'know what, I think I'll go home before Ross starts rambling about his newfound respect for life. (He gets up and starts for the door.)

Ross: I do have a newfound respect for life.

Chandler: (returning) Oh my God! (Storms out.)

Gary: (To Phoebe) So you wanna get some dinner?

Phoebe: Yeah! Sure! Yep! (Gets up) Oh, y'know what? If I heard a shot right now, I'd throw my body on you.

Gary: Oh yeah? Well maybe you and I should take a walk through a bad neighborhood.

Phoebe: Okay!

Gary: All right.

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross and Joey: Bye!

(They leave as Ross stares in awe at Joey.)

Joey: Cut it out Ross! I hate to have to save your life and kick your ass in the same day!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is pacing as Joey enters.]

Joey: Dude! How come you took off?

Chandler: Oh, I just went for a walk, around the living room. Whatever…

Joey: Is something wrong?

Chandler: No. No I'm just tired. Y'know, from-from the walk.

Joey: Okay.

Chandler: You dove in front of Ross! Ross!

Joey: That's what this is about! Oh my God, you hate Ross!

Chandler: I do not hate Ross!

Joey: Of course you do! I saved him! You're mad at me! It all adds up! You want Ross out of the picture.

Chandler: What picture?

Joey: I don't know, but I don't like what I'm hearing!

Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!

Joey: Ohh, you're upset because you think I chose Ross over you! No! I…knew…you could take care of yourself. Y'know, I mean Ross, he need help. He's not street like us!

Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.

Joey: Well, no, not exactly! All right, look, I, I wasn't trying to save Ross. Okay? My sandwich was next to Ross. All right? I was, I was trying to save my sandwich.

Chandler: From a bullet!

Joey: I know it doesn't make much sense…

Chandler: Much sense?!

Joey: Look Chandler, it was instinct! Okay? I just went for it!

Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!

Joey: I know it sounds crazy, but Chandler this is (Goes and picks up the sandwich) the greatest sandwich in the world!

Chandler: So you didn't uh, choose Ross before me.

Joey: No! I would never do that! You-you're like my brother!

Chandler: Really?!

Joey: Yeah! In fact, to prove how much you mean to me, (He unwraps the sandwich and holds it out for Chandler) here.

Chandler: Thanks. (He grabs the sandwich.)

Joey: No, eh, oh-oi, easy, it's not a hot dog!

(Chandler takes a bite.)

Joey: How good is that?

Chandler: (with his mouthful) Oh-oi-ho, yeah!

Joey: See?

Chandler: Hm-hmm. (Goes to take another bite.)

Joey: Oh-whoa-hey, dude, what are you doing?!

Chandler: I thought you were showing me how much you mean to me.

Joey: Yeah. With a bite! (Takes back the sandwich.) Gee-e-e-eez!

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Rachel is trying to repair the thing she broke earlier, but gets interrupted by hearing Ross at the door. She panics and throws the thing into the kitchen. And runs to the couch as Ross enters.]

Rachel: Hey! Hi!

Ross: Rach, what uh, what are you doing here?

Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!

Ross: Y'know, it-it doesn't matter. The important thing is that you're here. You're my friend, and you're here. Oh! (He goes over and hugs her.)

Rachel: Okay, just a little scared. What's going on Ross?

Ross: The most amazing thing happened tonight. I thought my number was up. I had an actual near death experience!

Rachel: What?! What? What happened?!

Ross: Okay, okay, we were on the ride along with Gary, right?

Rachel: Yeah!

Ross: And somebody took a shot at me!

Rachel: (gasps) Really?!

Ross: No, a car backfired, but (Rachel suddenly calms down) I thought somebody was taking a shot at me. And Rach, I…I survived! And I was filled with this-this great respect for life. Y'know? I-I want to experience every moment. I want to seize every opportunity. I-I am seeing everything so-so clearly now.

Rachel: Because a car backfired?

Ross: (stares at her briefly) Okay, why are you here?

Rachel: Well, I-I-I don't know how this fits into your whole "seizing" thing but um, Emily called you today.

Ross: You talked to her?

Rachel: No, she left a message. (He starts for the machine.) (Stopping him.) But it-it kinda got erased. There's just (Pause) something wrong with your machine.

Ross: Well, okay, what-what did she say?

Rachel: Well, uh something about having second thoughts about the wedding and did you guys make a mistake breaking up and uh, she wants you to call her.

Ross: Wow!

Rachel: Now, that-that was a good thing that I told you, right?

Ross: Huh? Yeah! Yes, of course!

Rachel: Okay. Thank you! Thank you! Because—I'm sorry, all right. Because y'know what? She didn't want me—not important. The point is, I was right. Your decision. Okay? I was right. (She starts for the door.) (Stops) Your decision.

Ross: Right. I guess, I guess I should call Emily.

Rachel: Okay, no, that's not the right decision. That's not, that's not right, no Ross-Ross, come on! I mean, that woman made you miserable! Okay, Ross, do you really want to get back into that?

Ross: Okay, look, yesterday I would've even considered calling her back, but my ex-wife calls on the same day I have a near death experience. I mean, that-that has got to mean something!

Rachel: Ugh, Ross! That was not a near death experience! That was barely an experience!

Ross: You weren't there! Okay, maybe this is something that I-I'm supposed to seize! Y'know?

Rachel: Okay, y'know what? Maybe, this is not about seizing stuff. Maybe this is about escaping stuff.

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: I mean, look-look today you escaped (Pause) (Not believing it) death, y'know? And maybe this is a chance for you to escape getting back together with Emily?

Ross: That does make sense. Because I do wanna seize some opportunity, but I-I really don't wanna see or talk to her.

Rachel: Well, there you go!

Ross: Yeah. Maybe today is just, close call day.

Rachel: (laughing) Close call day.

Ross: Hey, thanks Rach. (They hug.)

Rachel: Ohh, honey no problem. Okay. (Gets up.)

Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.

Rachel: Oh?

(Ross hits the playback button.)

Ross: (on machine) "Hey Ross, it's you!" (Hits the stop button) Oh yeah, no that's-that's an old message, nobody needs to hear that.

Rachel: No. (She heads for the door again.)

Ross: (looking at the coffee table where his money was) Hey umm, was-was Monica here?

Rachel: Yeah.

Ross: Yeah, I want my money back.

Rachel: (going out the door) Yeah, uh you-you probably need that for stamps, right?

(Ross is stunned.)

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Ross: Hey Pheebs, has Gary ever been shot at for real?

Phoebe: Yes. Once. Yeah, a little. He kinda did it to himself. It's not really a good story.

Ross: I wonder how I would react under fire, y'know? And not backfire but-but heavy fire, like I was in a war or something.

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I mean, I really, I think I would make a fantastic military leader. I mean I know I would make General way before any of you guys.

Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Ross: I know where Joey would be. He would be down in the foxhole protecting all of us.

Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.

Joey: Yeah, hero sandwiches. (Points at Ross who points back.)

Phoebe: Well you all know that I'm a pacifist so I'm not interested in war in any way. (Gets up) But y'know what? When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all. (Starts to leave.) (To Joey) Not you Joey.

(Joey gets all happy with himself, while the rest of the gang is less than enthused.)

End

520 一起去巡逻

各位听好

明天是爱米丽再婚的日子

我们要尽可能采取一切手段

转移罗斯的注意力

好点子

嘿，伙计们

想想看，爱米丽明天就要结婚了

噢，罗斯!看，看!

什么？看哪？

就在那里!那里看，看!

叫我看什么？

你们倒是帮帮忙啊！

莫妮卡，抱歉我昨晚没来

我跟盖瑞出去了

他让我一起去驾车巡逻

我们阻止了罪案的发生

你上了巡逻车？

我也想去巡逻!

我也是

好啊！

好，我也去！

真的？你行吗？

我行

那很危险哎，

我喜欢冒险

好,你们今晚有空吗

有!

今晚？

你没说那是晚上的行动

很高兴你回家了

今晚我们终于能够整理好这些照片了

噢，谢天谢地!

终于！

分门别类

假日类、生日类，还有抓拍的照片

另外我按照主题，做好了交叉索引

例如，查询：

“生日”和“狗”，会得到152号照片

明白了？

噢，是我和拉普

喔，我好想念那只狗

你也能在”狗和死”这个目录下找到它

好，多谢！

把那盒照片递给我

最后一盒了

好

抱歉

好在你都编过号了

还没有！

我用152号照片设计方案而已！

亲爱的，没关系的

我来给你杯饮料？

玛格丽塔酒怎样？

罗斯有搅拌器

全搞砸了

没关系的宝贝

我到罗斯那边取搅拌器

你把调玛格丽塔酒的原材料准备齐全

好的

他的钥匙在抽屉里

我还需要一点现金

要我去ATM机取款吗？

不。罗斯房间里总有些零钱的

什么？

什么什么？我没拿过！

真酷，伙计

你向那家伙施压的方式太棒了

天越来越黑

他全招了，你完全制服他了

只要说他是受害者

他们通常都很多嘴

正式到晚上了

盖瑞,要我去拿点浆果吗

那叫樱桃

钱德!

好，我知道了

这里的三明治是最棒的

有肉丸子吗？

有

融化的芝士和沙司酱呢？

有！

不许在我车里吃

噢，好

你的警车都是我们纳税人的钱买的

你纳税？

算了

哇，那三明治真的很香

我允许你闻了吗？

我不能闻吗？

“色”、“香”、“味”同样重要！

你把好味道全吸跑了

我还你

一块三明治有什么了不起

想象一下，你最棒的性经验

你想到莫妮卡吗？

是

那是怎样的？

请真当恐龙！

求你

”墨西哥制造“

谁会买这样的东西

瑞秋，是我，接电话！

怎么了？

我这边材料不够

我需要盐、特制的玛格丽塔预拌汁、龙舌兰酒

我们那边只有冰而已？

看看他那边有没有冰！

好

你好，罗斯

我是爱米丽

我有点忧伤

明天我就要结婚了

也许我要结婚

我一直想着你

我不知道我们轻言放弃对不对

你有想起我吗？

你当然不会想我

但假如你想我，今晚给我打电话吧

好,拜拜

哦,天啊

接下来我们去哪儿？

证人不回我电话

我们就在他回家时、给他个惊喜

惊、惊喜？我们不会惹恼什么人吧？

别这样，伙计

你打算在他的律师赶来前，

给罪犯施压吗？

他是证人，不是罪犯

而且没有人那样说话的

对，没有人那样说话的

噢，警察先生！

我比你们两个像警察

凭什么？

我坐前座，明白吗？

我是盖瑞的搭档

当你说”搭档“

听起来就不象警察了

听来像同性恋

酸葡萄

安静点好吗？我们在当差

好，没问题

罗斯！

抱歉，

看那儿！

嘿，盖瑞。

我是谁？

打电话回家

看着罗斯警官跟访客一起回来吧

发生了什么冲突？

你有想起我吗？

不，你当然没有了

但假如你想我

今晚打我电话

好，再见

不！

我明白!

感谢上帝，你在这里

我们要把它删除掉

什么？我们不能那样做！

我们必须删掉！假如罗斯听到

给她打电话，他们就又在一起了

你想这样吗？

罗斯就再回到她的控制下

神经病、疯子爱米丽

她还不许他再见你

不!噢，不

噢，天!他不该再跟她一起

我知道，你也知道

甚至罗斯也知道

但我们没有权利去删掉他的口信

我是他妹妹，我爱他

我不想看到他受伤

那不就给了我控制他的权力？

帮他的权利？

他不需要帮助

她很明显情绪不稳

她想在婚礼当天落跑

没错

她竟想把我哥放到为难的境地！

他会怎么做？

罗斯会跑去婚礼现场搞破坏吗？

谁会那样做

我说的不是那意思

不过同样会有很多人受牵连

她跟他开什么玩笑！

你疯了,抱歉这么说

她听来很伤心

听着

“您的口信已经被删除”

不

我们安全了，对吧？

事情不会更糟了

不，不过你提醒我了，签名吧

这是什么？

上面说，如果你擦破膝盖，

或者被轰掉脑袋，都不能起诉

快！我想签名

他来了

他在做什么？

他到底在做什么？

那是什么？

一切都顺利吧？

出什么事了？

他看见我们了。

别动，别看他!

嘿，没事的

只是汽车逆火

嘿，瞧你，在保护你的兄弟

你看到了？

你看到他的行动吗？

你没事吧,伙计？

呃

谢谢，乔伊

哈罗

嗨

我们该走了

不，等等

好了

不，莫妮卡

莫妮卡，我们必须收拾烂摊子

我们无能为力，

口信已经被你删掉了

我们可以转告他

如果你想理性处理这事

我不跟你争

行吗？

你想告诉他？尽管去说

我不想介入

也许又是爱米丽打来留同样的口信

小罗斯

我希望你牢记这感觉

活着真幸运

让每天的生活更充实

爱自己，好吗？

还有买邮票

再见

哇！把这条口信播给爱米丽听

麻烦就烟消云散了？

对吧

有人要见英雄吗？

约翰格伦来了？

不，乔伊是英雄！

我们经历了最不平凡的一夜

我们在车上的时候

等一下!嗨

嗨

好，继续

我们在车上，接着“砰”一声枪响

乔伊不顾自身安危

扑到了我身上

我的天!

是汽车逆火

但他不知情

对，我不知情

那很可能就是一颗子弹

乔，有没想过加入警队？

我们需要你这样的人

听到巨响就扑救！

哇，我今晚差点没命

没错！

假如发生逆火的汽车冲向你的话！

我要在罗斯阐述他新发现的

生命的意义之前、赶紧回家

我真的发现了生命的新意义

噢，我的天!

你要吃东西吗？

当然

你知道吗？

假如现在听到枪声，我也会扑到你身上

真的？

我们出去走走吧

好

走吧

再见

别再唠叨了

我可不想在同一天里

救你一命又得教训你一顿

你为什么避开我？

Dude! How come you took off?

我去走走

在起居室里走动走动

有什么不对劲吗？

不，我只是累了

走累了

你在罗斯面前dove!

罗斯!

就是原因

噢，天

你讨厌罗斯!

我不讨厌罗斯

你讨厌他。我救了他，你生我气。

所以这样

你想赶罗斯出局

出什么局？

不知道，但我不喜欢这样

汽车逆火的时候你救了罗斯，我很高兴

但那很可能是颗子弹

你没有想要救我

你伤心是因为你以为我选罗斯

而忽略了你

不，我知道你能照顾自己的

罗斯需要帮助，他不像你一样street

你为罗斯而冒生命危险，而没有想到我

那就是问题所在

That's the bottom line.

不，不是这样

听着

我不是想救罗斯

懂吗？

我的三明治在罗斯旁边

明白吗？

我只是想救我的三明治

免得它挨枪子？

我知道这不合情理

不合情理？

钱德，这是本能!

我只是下意识的

那，你为了三明治而冒生命危险

我知道听来很疯狂

但这是世上最棒的三明治!

那你并不是选了罗斯而忽略我

当然不是。我决不会那样

你像是我的兄弟

当真？

对！

为证明你对我有多重要

给

谢谢

小心,那不是热狗

好吃吧？

恩？

恩！

老兄，你还想吃多少？

我以为你在想我显示你对我有多重要

只咬一口

Gee-e-e-eez!

嘿

嗨

瑞秋，你在这做什么？

嘿，知道吗?

你总来我们家!

只是a drop in the bucket mister

那没关系

重要的是你在这里

你是我朋友

而你在这里

只是有点可怕

罗斯怎么了？

今晚发生了最不可思议的事

我的境界提升了

我有了接近死亡的经历！

发生什么事了？

我们不是跟盖瑞一起巡逻吗？

有人向我开枪!

我们在跟盖瑞一起监视有人向我开枪!

真的？

不，是汽车逆火

但我以为有人向我开枪

然后，瑞秋

我生还了!

我内心充满了对生命的敬畏

我要享受每一刻

抓住每个机会

我看待事物从未如此清晰

就只因为汽车逆火？

对了，你在这里干什么

我不知当不当讲，

你刚说了要抓住每个机会

爱米丽今天给你电话了

你们聊过了？

她留下了口信

但被删除了

你的机器出了问题

她说什么？

她再婚前的迟疑

还有你们的分手是否是个错误

她想你回电话给她

哇

我转告你是对的，对吧？

对。当然

好，谢谢

为什么这么问？

对不起，因为

因为她不想我回电话？

这事不重要，重要的是我是对的。

你自己做决定吧

我是对的

你做决定

好

我想我该给电话爱米丽

不，那不是正确的决定

不能这样干

罗斯，别这样!

我说

那女人只会让你痛苦!

你真想自讨苦吃吗？

听着

要是昨天，我决不会考虑给她回电话

但今天我差点死翘翘，

前妻却恰好来电

所以这就意义非凡

那不是接近死亡的体验！

那根本算不上什么体验！

你当时不在现场!

也许那就是我该抓牢的机会，懂吗？

你知道吗？

也许这不是你该抓牢的机会

而是暗示你该逃跑

恩？

今天

你从死神手里

逃脱

也许这是你从爱米丽手上

逃脱的机会

有道理

因为我真的想抓住每个机会

但我真的不想和她见面或交谈

这就对了！

对，也许今天只是——

不回电话日

谢谢，瑞秋

宝贝，不用谢

等一下！留言灯在闪！

也许你没有删掉

小罗斯，

是旧口信，不用听了

要听！

莫妮卡在吗？

我要回我的钱

你大概要用来买邮票，对吧

盖瑞有被射中过吗

有过一次

险些

他开枪差点伤到自己

那可不高明

我只想知道自己

在子弹飞来时会作何反应

不是汽车逆火，而是真正的枪火

比如上战场什么的

我若参战一定表现杰出！

我能当个出色的军事领袖

没准我能当上将军什么的，

而你们则不行

那是先于还是后于

你被自己的部队射中呢？

我知道乔伊会在散兵坑里保护我们的

假如那散兵坑里堆满三明治的话

对，三明治英雄！

你们都知道，我是个和平主义者

我对战争没兴趣

但若发生革命

我会消灭你们！

留你一个，乔伊

521 The One With The Ball

[Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.]

Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll?

Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks.

Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I?

Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea.

Chandler: Okay.

(Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.)

Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin?

Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.)

[Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.]

Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh?

Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me.

Monica: (shocked) Oh my God!

Gary: What do you, what do you think?

Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her?

Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay?

Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral…

Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.)

Phoebe: Okay. Bye!

(Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.)

Phoebe: So, what movie should we see?

Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!!

Phoebe: What?! Really?!

Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer!

Phoebe: I can't believe this!

Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast!

Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you!

Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief)

Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it?

Monica: Ohhhh!

Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this!

Chandler: So, what are you gonna do?

Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it—I'll ask you to talk to him!

Chandler: Me?! Why me?

Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a…man!

Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be.

Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.)

Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.]

Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island?

Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island.

Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island.

Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island.

(The game resumes.)

Joey: Hey, what time is it?

Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17.

Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour?

Ross: Are you serious?!

Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.

Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch!

Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose!

Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys…

Joey: Hey!

Rachel: Is Monica here?

Joey and Ross: No.

Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl.

Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy!

Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready?

Joey and Ross: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out!

(Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.)

Ross: What-what is it?!

Joey: What the hell is that?!!

Rachel: It's a, it's a cat!

Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.}

Rachel: Yes it is!

Ross: Why is it inside out?!

Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat!

Ross: How much did you pay for that?

Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal.

Ross: Yeah? How much?

Rachel: A thousand bucks.

Ross: ON A CAT??!!!!

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it!

Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.}

Joey: It's not a cat!

Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?!

(Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.)

Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh?

Joey: Uhh, the ball thing.

Ross: Yeah?

Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!

Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it!

Joey: Okay!

(They throw the ball back and forth once.)

Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh.

Ross: What?

Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom!

[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]

Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it!

Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay?

[Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)]

Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.)

Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here?

Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime.

Gary: Yeah?

Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together.

Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up?

Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me.

Gary: Sure. Okay.

Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together!

Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy.

Chandler: You mean scared.

Gary: No, I mean happy.

Chandler: Scared? Happy?

Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing?

Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there!

Gary: I know! I can't wait!

Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something?

Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just—I wanna be around her as much as I can.

Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary.

Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right?

Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica!

Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys.

Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.]

Ross: …now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?!

{Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers through in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo…}

Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

{Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!}

Monica: (entering) Hey guys!

Joey: Hi!

Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it?

Joey: I don't know.

Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work!

Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch.

Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it!

Joey: Oh, I don't know…. Yeah, can't do it.

(He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.)

Monica: What?!

Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball!

Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in… (Looks to Ross.)

Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes.

Monica: Really?!

[Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.]

Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.)

(Rachel enters.)

Ross: Hey Rach!

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it!

Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time.

Monica: Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.)

Rachel: Well, it's my cat.

Monica: (shocked) What?!

Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat.

Monica: I don't want a cat!

Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat.

Ross: Yeah.

Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!"

Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat.

Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!!

Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it.

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hi!

Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing?

Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it.

Phoebe: What?!

Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady.

Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God!

Chandler: I’m sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him.

Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing.

Gary: Hey Chandler.

Chandler: Hey Gar!

Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)

Gary: You look very pretty today.

Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.)

Gary: Here's the thing.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward.

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards.

Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.)

Gary: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: I want you to move in with me.

Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other.

Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it.

Phoebe: I just—I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for.

Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh.

Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just—I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake.

Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.

Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes!

Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?!

Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so…happy. (She's not happy.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.]

Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team!

Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours?

Joey: That's right baby.

Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.)

Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't!

Chandler: What?

Monica: He's a dropper!

Joey: Oh yeah, that's right!

Chandler: I'm not a dropper!

Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know?

Chandler: It's throwing and catching!

Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)

Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.)

(Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.)

Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat!

Monica: Oh my—Oh good God!

Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing!

Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh?

Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it?

Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back.

Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ.

Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back?

Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats?

Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it.

Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.)

(Monica sneezes.)

Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something.

Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Gary: We have great news!

Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay!

All: Congratulations! Congrats!

Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited!

Gary: So am I!

Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited!

Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in!

Gary: All right.

(Phoebe closes the door behind him.)

Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened?

Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps.

Monica: Why, do you write him a lot?

Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?

All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah!

(Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out.

[Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.]

Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights?

Phoebe: No, nothing.

Gary: Oh really?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Gary: Nothing at all?

Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.)

Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second?

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

(He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?)

Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.)

Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together.

Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post?

Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water?

Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post?

Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's.

Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights!

Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging!

Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you?

Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.)

Gary: Phoebe…

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox.

Phoebe: That's so sweet.

Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just—I want you to be happy

Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy.

Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that.

Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you!

Gary: Are you sure?

Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)

Gary: Oh that's great!

Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never!

[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]

Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.)

Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?!

Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat!

Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking!

Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually—it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it?

Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats.

Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on!

(Another woman approaches.)

Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat!

Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it?

Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but… Okay, why not?

Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000.

Woman No. 2: What?!

Rachel: Okay, a thousand.

Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat.

Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat.

Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.)

Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}]

Ross: I'm starving!

Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time!

Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game!

Monica: Please! I made this game what it is.

Chandler: Not fun anymore?

Ross: I'm still hungry!

Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me?

Ross: I am!

Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later.

[Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.]

Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls!

Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson.

Ross: Oh, thank God!

Joey: Did you get your money back?

Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars.

Monica: Wow! You made a profit!

Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow.

Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.)

Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want.

Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)

Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something?

[Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.]

Gary: I really like waking up with you.

Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day.

Gary: That would be great!

Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed…

Gary: Wait, just a second.

Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.]

Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive!

Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up.

Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's?

Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over.

All: What?!

Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out!

Phoebe: He shot a bird!

Chandler: Oh that is over!

All: That's terrible! I'm sorry!

Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay?

Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright.

Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.)

Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.)

Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball!

All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.)

Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.)

(Pause)

Chandler: You guys wanna eat here?

All: Yeah! As long as we're here!

Ending Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]

Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around?

Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long.

Ross: I know. My arm is killing me.

Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.)

Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)

End

521 掷球游戏

再要点咖啡吗？小玩偶？

够了 谢谢

我能不能玩玩这个小玩偶？

不，甜甜嘴那次的教训还不够吗~~

我去倒点茶

好的

你说呢？小南瓜

不

看来你们两人相处很好嘛

我知道 其实我想叫菲比和我同居

哦 天啊

你怎么想？

我想会不错的

什么时候去问她？

今晚，但保密好吗？

我发誓 我保证

噢 我很兴奋呢！

不要给她送花 知道了吗？

因为她会在花死掉时

哭着给它们办葬礼

放工后见 亲爱的

好的 再见！

我们去看什么电影好啊？

Gary想让你和他同居!!

什么?! 真的吗?!

他刚才在吧台那边告诉我的

他叫我保密 但我忍不住!

难以置信!

因为 那太快了！ 太快了!

放松点!

在说菲比! 不是你!

噢！很好啊菲比 上啊

不 太快了 不是吗？

噢！

不 我很喜欢他

但我还没有准备

那 你想怎么办？

不知道 我知道了

我会叫你去跟他说

我？！为什么是我？

因为你太害怕承诺了！

你跟他说

让他象你一样害怕！

让他变成真正的男人！

我试试看 但我不保证

因为我现在不象以前

那么害怕承诺了

你真好!

我还是怕的 我会给你办好的

放心吧

嘿 罗斯 斯达顿岛是真的是岛吗？

哦呵

不然为什么人人都叫它斯达顿岛

哦 我还以为它象长岛（地方名）一样

长岛也是岛

嘿 几点了？

2:17

噢！我们投球不落地 几乎一小时了？

真的吗?!

是啊 我半小时前就意识到这点

但我不想说出来

因为我不想倒楣

噢！我们天生干这行的!

嘿！

我们完全忘记了午饭!

平生头一回忘记吃饭

你看 我裤子都变松了！

嘿 你们

嘿!

莫尼卡在吗?

不.

我刚买了点东西

不知道她喜欢不喜欢

我知道这有点傻 但

这是我自小就很想要的

你买了Shawn Cassidy!

想得美！

Okay, 准备好了吗?

是!

好的!

看!

那是什么?!

那是什么鬼东西啊?!!

这是猫啊!

那不是猫!

是!

为什么它的皮是翻过来的?!

不好意思！但它真的是

一只良种史芬克斯猫!

多少钱?

有点奢侈, 但我很会讲价

是吗？多少？

1000块（美金啊！！！）

就一只猫??!!!!

那不是猫来的!

好啦 听着 球童!

我祖母在我小时侯养过一只

它最可爱了！

它会坐在我旁边整天姑噜姑噜叫

当我拖着鞋带走

它会追着鞋跑!

野猫也会这么做

这都不是猫!

你们啊 我就是喜欢它! Okay?

我不管你们怎么想！

我现在就去给Whiskerson女士搞个小盒子.

不然怎么叫他啊? 毛绒绒?!

嘿 要吃点东西吗？

你想知道我们能这样

投下去到什么时候吗？

恩 投球吧

是吗?

嘿 罗斯

连续两小时投球算是厉害吗？！

恩 是啊！

就这么办!

Okay!

啊 哦！

干吗?

我要小便

但瑞秋在洗手间里!

伙计 我以为我们非得停下呢！

是啊!

不要换手 okay?

女士们！在干吗?

嘿 钱德 你来有事？

Gary, 我要举报

是吗?

你和我不多见面就是犯罪

有什么事?

我听说你想要和菲比同居

我想我们要好好聊聊

男人和男...我之间的对话

当然可以啊

恩 你傻了吗？

还是疯了？如果你要和她住

你俩就会...住在一起！

是 我考虑过

我只知道我会很快乐

你意思是恐怖

不 我意思是 快乐

恐怖的快乐?

钱德 你怎么啦?

我正试着让你了解状况!

你知道你一旦和她住一起

她就会一直在那里啦

你回家 她在

你上床睡觉 她在

你一觉醒来

喔 没错 她还在！

我知道！我都等不及了！

你父母很幸福还是怎么的？

听着钱德 我觉得我很幸运

我找到真爱

只想她多陪在我身旁

你知道吗？

你这样说起来好象不怎么恐怖呢.

那你知道我要说什么吗？

是的 我想

你应该和她同居

你应该马上和她同居

可能我也和莫尼卡试试!

对你来说就太快了

是 你说的没错

当他们发现了中世代

的乳齿象的残余物的时候

他们在它的口中发现古生代

的两栖动物的残余物！

它们从哪里来的?!

这个应该是个安静的游戏

嘿 伙计！

嗨！

乔伊 昨晚我忘了手表在你桌上了

就在这 哪去了?

我不知道

快点啊 我快迟到了!

你怎么知道? 你没有手表啊

伙计 你们能停下一会

帮我找一下手表吗？

噢 不知道呢.（想想）是了,我不能~

什么?!

莫尼卡 什么都好

不要扔下球!

是啊 我们已经丢了

2小时 27分钟

真的?!

我-我想今天我不能上班了

我有点不舒服啊

是!!

喔，我以为我会好一点

但是还是不行

嘿,瑞秋

嘿。

看！已经投了三个小时了！

噢 哇！恭喜

这是在浪费时间呢

瑞秋?

是的?

你浑身抓痕，发生什么事啦？

是我的猫干的。

什么?!

哦是了,我养了只猫.

我不喜欢猫!

噢,不用担心,那不是猫。

是的。

你要知道这只猫很象我外婆的猫。

它不可爱，它不有趣。

甚至我在地上拖东西的时候

它居然突然跳起抓我

我发誓，我知道这听起来很荒谬

但每次它叫的时候我都听到它说，

瑞秋!

不比花一千块买一只猫荒谬

什么，你还欠我300，

却花1000块去买猫？！！

好，我会让你和它玩的。

嗨！

Hmm, 你和 Gary 说过吗 有关那事?

我去了，而我认为你应该答应他。

什么?!

他是一个不错的家伙。

而且他很爱你,你非常幸运呢。

你这废人!

劝人害怕承诺

是你唯一能做的事，唯一的！

而你居然都搞砸了! 上帝!

对不起。

如果你开口,我会和他搬到一块的。

噢!! 上帝!

噢! 滚出这里, 毫无价值的东西。

嘿,钱德

嘿 Gar!

嗨 甜心。

嗨,我能和你说些话吗?

是的! 好。

你今天看起来非常漂亮。

谢谢! 好的。

我是想说。

我们的关系应该深入发展。

因为不进则退

不会的，不

如果不进,也可能保持原样。

而且保持原样很好。 看着。

菲比？

是的?

我想要你和我一块住。

那很甜蜜。

但是你不认为这有点儿快吗?

我们还不了解对方

噢.

噢-噢-好啦！我知道了。.

我只是想准备充分

然后再更进一步。

哦呵.

我真不想弄糟我们现有的关系。

我担心会犯错

所以 我想说，好的.

真的?!

哦-呵!

我太高兴了。

莫尼卡！ 不要丢的这么重。

我们是在同一队上的!

四个小时?

你们这样丢球达四小时之久?

没错，宝贝。.

好的，我加入。

不-不！不要！不！

什么?

他是个漏球者!

哦，是啊，没错!

我不是漏球者!

它只是一种三人游戏， 知道吗？

这只是投接球!

好啦.

噢！哦！太难了。.

你看，它不是猫来的！

上帝!

我放弃了,我玩不来！

把它烤熟它也不会变乖对吧？

为什么不把它还回店子里？

我试过了! 他们不肯把她收回.

也许因为这个小奴才不信基督教？

瑞秋 他们怎么会不收回啊？

好吧，他们说会

但是他们只还给我商店代用券

那我能怎么办？买一千只普通猫吗？

要么你能把它留在我们的房间

直到你发现该拿它干什么

不，莫，这不是重点。

我没了1000块钱，而且

而且还是被这只看起来

像一只手一样的愚蠢猫欺骗!

哦我的上帝,

这猫让我流眼泪了！

不要丢到我这里来啊！

我看不到东西了！！

哦上帝! 好了。

没事了。

差点~

是，你几乎对一些东西过敏了。

嘿！

我们有好消息！

我们要一起住! 很棒吧! Yay!

恭喜! 恭喜!

我知道,我很兴奋!

我也是!

你不能比我兴奋！不行！

我要是最兴奋的一个！

好啦！我过会在车站等你。

好的，过会见！不要忘记搬家的事！

你要和他一起住。发生什么事了吗？

我不能拒绝他，他觉得很伤心。

或者是对的。我真的很喜欢他

又或者偶尔做那种事，而且，

想想我能省下多少邮票钱。

为什么，你经常写信给他吗？

不，只是我听说

同居可以省掉一半邮票钱，不是吗？

是！对啊！是啊！是！

哦,对不起,你的手套真的吓到我了。

嘿，甜心！

好，布鲁克林高地那边

有合适的公寓吗?

不,没有找到

哦,真的吗?

一旦找到我们就马上搬进去

没有游泳池就不搬,

我喜欢游泳池。

菲比,能和你谈谈吗?

好的!

坐 。

你还好吧?

是的，我们要搬到一块住啊。

你在报纸上找过布鲁克林高地

出租的公寓了，是吗？

你-你看过报纸？

是啊，恩，没有找到。

我能喝点水吗?

我问完再喝

你看过今天的邮报?

恩,看过今天的.

这里有今天的邮报。

而这些是我找到的

布鲁克林，二间卧室。

布鲁克林，一间卧室。

布鲁克林，布鲁克林，布鲁克林！

这些都出租的吗？我还以为

他们仅是说说而已！

让我告诉你我怎么想吧。

不-不-不，不要看着桌子

看着我！

好，某人要求了某人和他一起住；

而某人说,"好的"

但是现在她举棋不定 因为对某人来说

事情发展的太快。

那人可能是你吗？

是的! 我是某人!

你想我这样说吗？我还是有疑虑！

对不起！

菲比

什么?

菲比,你这样想没关系。

是太快了。

我们互相不了解

而我满怀憧憬期待着

前所未有的幸福——

家门口有一个写着我俩名字的邮箱

太甜蜜了。

甜心，

你觉得太快的话，没关系的。

没关系！我们可以不一块住

我只想你快乐。

和你住、我就快乐。

菲比，你没必要这样说。

不，我真的想和你同住！

我要和你一块住！

真的吗？

绝对是！是的！

我们同居吧！

噢，太好了！

等等，

玻璃后面的人！

你在看谁啊！

我经常想在审讯室这样做，

从未试过呢!

爱猫甩卖！品质一流！

噢 天啊！你的婴儿怎么啦！？

它不是婴儿! 它是一只猫!

恶心！它是爬着走的!

噢不！它很乖很听话，看！

你要吗？

不，我讨厌猫。

那你还在这里干吗？

走啊！好啦！继续走路吧！

哇噢！是只不寻常的猫呢！

是啊！谢谢！你要买它吗？

可能吧。我正想要一只猫。

我现在正要去宠物店。

但 Okay,何不在这里买呢?

噢，一口价，要2000块。

什么?!

好啦，1000块。

你还是留着自己养吧！

好，没关系，但是你投资后

得到的不仅仅只是一只猫。

好的，我只是想要一只猫而已。

好啦

显然你很会讲价，

那我就不和你转弯抹角了。

$800成交，我也不叫警察了

这么便宜卖给你简直像

被你洗劫！

带走猫，留下钱。

然后跑！跑啊！

可恶！

猫啊，你就不能稍微笑一下吗?!

有人听到吗？

我饿得要死了!

来吧！加油！

我们已经坚持十个小时了!

现在是关键!

你什么时候当上队长了？

我们发明这个游戏的！

拜托！我让这个游戏富有意义。

让它变得不再有趣？

我还是很饿啊!

好, 在我那边有一些披萨,

我们能用一只手吃，对吧?

要跟我来吗？

我去!

好的，走吧！!

走吧，莫尼卡队!

好啦，我们一会再想队名吧.

瑞秋!你的猫在我的碗里干什么？

那不是猫！我在给鸡肉解冻.

噢，我，呃卖掉了Whiskerson女士.

噢，感谢上帝！

你收回多少钱？

1500块。

哇，你赚到啦！

我来拿红色-天鹅绒枕头。

哦，是啊，

给你。

谢谢 瑞秋。

别忘了，你可以随时来看它。

很好，我会记得的。

嘿！这是什么？一种蛇吗？

我真的很喜欢一醒来看到你。

我也是。

噢！多么好的早晨啊。

我可以留在这里一整天。

那很好啊!

我们可以在床上吃早餐

等等,

噢！噢 不

好啦！来吧 莫尼卡！打起精神来！

打起精神来！

太好了，你们都起床了。

菲比！现在是早上6点！你不是在Gary那里吗?

噢 是了，我们完了.

什么?!

别这样！Gary是个好人！

无论什么问题都可以解决的！

他打死一只鸟啊!

噢，那就完了!

太可怕了！我很替你难过！

菲比，你还好吧？

没事，没事，我没事的。

菲比接球.

我不想玩.

不算

我们假装它不曾发生! 好?

没有人知道!

菲比她不一个正式的球手!

我觉得,只有正式的球手能放下球!

好啦！好啦！我饿得要死!

菲比，甜心，能给我拿一些早餐吗?

当然!

好！好！我们比赛吧！

谁先到谁赢！哈哈！

你们要在这里吃早餐吗？

好啊！不用走了

我们很棒吧！哈？

你能相信我们扔了多久的球吗？

是的，想不到我们能坚持这么久。

我知道。我的手痛的要命。

不，我意思是和那个漏接王一组

还可以坚持那么久~~

为什么我会得到漏接王的名号？

我才不是漏接王呢

罗斯!

522 The One With Joey's Big Break

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe are there reading. Rachel is sitting on the couch flanked by Ross and Monica. She suddenly stops reading and starts blinking her left eye as if it's bothering her. The problem is that Joey is on her left and thinks she's winking at him and winks back. Ross is watching this and isn't quite sure of what to make of it.]

Ross: What's going on?

Rachel: Well, my eye is a little itchy.

(Ross turns to look at Joey.)

Joey: Uhhh, mine too! Yeah.

Monica: (To Rachel) Wow! It's really red! You should go see my eye doctor.

Rachel: Richard? I'm not gonna go see your ex-boyfriend!

Chandler: Oh, Richard. That's all I ever hear, Richard, Richard, Richard!

Monica: Since we've been going out, I think I've mentioned his name twice!

Chandler: Okay, so Richard, Richard!

Monica: It's not Richard! Okay? It's this new guy and he's really good.

Rachel: Well, I'm sorry I'm not going to an eye doctor!

Ross: Oh God, here we go!

Chandler: What?

Ross: Anytime anything comes close to touching her eye or anyone else's she like freaks out. Watch! Watch! (He takes his finger and moves it towards his eye.)

Rachel: (flinches) Ross! Come on! That's all right! Fine--Okay, I have a weird thing about my eye. Can we not talk about it please?

All: All right, fine.

Monica: Hey Rach, remember that great song, Me, Myself, and I? (And on the "I" part she mimics poking her eye.)

Rachel: (flinches again) Monica! Come on!

Ross: Hey, does anybody want to get some lunch? All those in favor say I? (Pokes his eye)

Rachel: (freaks) Ross! Stop it! Come on!

Chandler: How much did I love The King and I? (Oh, you get the point by now.)

Rachel: Chandler!

Joey: Me too! Me too! Me too! (Yeah, he does the same thing.)

Rachel: Just stop it! Come on!

(Joey howls in pain and holds his eye.)

Chandler: You okay there man?

Joey: Yeah, I got too excited!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]

Ross: All right, I gotta go. I'm taking Ben to the park.

Phoebe: Ohh, give him a kiss for me!

Ross: All right, bye!

Monica: Bye!

Phoebe: Bye!

Ross: Later! (Exits.)

Phoebe: (after he's gone) I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of that. I didn't mean to be so out there. I am furious with him!

Chandler: Wow umm, calm down.

Phoebe: I'm trying, but man that guy can push my buttons!

Monica: Why are so mad at him?

Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?

Monica: Well, it just seems that…

Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking! Has anyone seem my list by the way?

Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?

Phoebe: Uh, it's a piece of paper and it says, "Ross" on it.

Joey: (entering, depressed) Hey. I just got off the phone with Estelle and guess what. (Pause, then very excitedly) I GOT THE LEAD IN A MOVIE!!!!!!

Chandler: You got the lead in a movie? That's amazing! What's the movie about?!

Joey: It's called Shutter Speed, it's really cool! Yeah, umm, I meet this girl in the subway and we fall in love in like a day, right? And then, she disappears… But I find out where she lives and when I get there this like old lady answers the door and I say, "Where's Betsy?" Right? And she says, "Betsy's been dead for 10 years."

Phoebe: Ohh-oh, chilling!

Joey: And the best part is, we're filming in the desert outside Vegas! (To Chandler) And you know what that means buddy!

Chandler: Yeah, I know that means buddy!

Joey: Road trip! Yeah, we can rent a car! I just have to be there by Tuesday!

Phoebe: Oh wait, my grandmother's dead.

Chandler: Well, uh, we can talk about that too Pheebs.

Phoebe: No! No, her cab! She probably won't be using it; you can drive it to Las Vegas.

Joey: All right! Thanks Pheebs!

Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa, what are we going to do about my job?

Joey: Oh umm, not go.

Chandler: All right, great, road trip baby! (To Monica) This okay with you?

Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.

Chandler: Thank you.

Monica: Hey Rach, come on! We're gonna be late for the eye doctor appointment!

Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) All right! Let's get this over with! Ugh! (She walks by the table and notices that no one is looking and accidentally on purpose knocks over the open cereal box.) Ohhh! No! Look what I did! (She starts walking through the mess. {Also, notice the continuity error in this scene. Note the position of the box and dispersal pattern of the cereal before and after the camera cut.}) Oh, I mean, look at this mess! I mean, we're probably gonna have to clean this up! Y'know? We're gonna have to reschedule!

Monica: No. If you thought this mess is going to bother me, you are wrong! All right, let's go Blinky! (She ushers Rachel out the door, but before the door fully closes she sticks her head back in.) Chandler!!!! (Chandler agrees to clean up the mess.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is reading a map as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Oh hey Joey! What's up?

Joey: I can't decide which route to take to Vegas. Hey, you've traveled a lot right?

Phoebe: Yeah, I've been around.

Joey: Okay, so-so which route should I take the northern route or the southern route?

Phoebe: Ooh, if you take the northern route there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees. {Okay, I must protest this, I've lived in Illinois all my life and know of no man with a beard of bees! Wisconsin, on the other hand, might be a different story.}

Joey: Great! Problem solved!

Phoebe: But on the southern route there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.

Joey: Well, back to square one.

Phoebe: Oh, I know a way that you can decide! All right, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you answer as quickly as you can.

Joey: (quickly) Yes!

Phoebe: Good, but wait. Okay, all right, here we go. Now I want you to relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. (Quickly) Which do you like better peanut butter or egg whites?

Joey: Peanut butter!

Phoebe: Which would you rather be a fireman or a swimmer?

Joey: A swimmer!

Phoebe: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

Joey: Monica. Oh… huh, I always thought it would be Rachel.

Phoebe: No thinking! No thinking! Tie or ascot?

Joey: Ascot!

Phoebe: North route or south route?

Joey: North route!

Phoebe: Bamn! There you go! Huh?

Joey: Wow! That was incredible! Beard of bees, here I come!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, this guy again. (She ignores him.)

Joey: Hey man, what's up?

Ross: Uhh, not much. You guys want to see a movie tonight?

Joey: Sure, what do you want to see?

Ross: I don't know, umm…

Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. Phoebe, show him your game!

Phoebe: Umm, no thank you. (She gets up and moves to the couch. They were at a table previously.)

Ross: What's with her?

Joey: I don't know. But hey, I know we can decide. Okay, I'm gonna ask you questions and you answer real quick. Okay?

Ross: Okay.

Joey: What do you like better action or comedy?

Ross: Action.

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?

(Ross pauses and looks at him, Joey motions for him to hurry up.)

Ross: Dude, you are sick.

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

[Scene: Monica's eye doctor's office, Monica and Rachel are waiting in an exam room and looking at this big white thing used to check eyes. I have no idea what it is, and if an ophthalmologist happens to know what that is, let me know.]

Rachel: Oh my God! What does that thing do?

Monica: (looks at it more closely) Oh that's an eye removal machine.

Rachel: All right, I'm outta here!

Monica: I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

(Rachel heads for the door but is intercepted by the doctor.)

The Doctor: Hi Rachel!

Rachel: Hey!

The Doctor: I'm Dr. Miller. Monica told me you were a little nervous, but don't worry everything's gonna be just fine.

Rachel: So were done then!

Dr. Miller: Almost! But first, we gotta start.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: This is a glaucoma test.

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: Sit down.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.

Rachel: (jerks back from the tester) What?!

Monica: A small puff of air, now come on!

Dr. Miller: Here we go.

Rachel: All right.

Dr. Miller: 1…2…3! (Rachel jerks back on 3.)

Rachel: I'm sorry. All right, I'll just stay in here this time. (Puts her head back.) Okay.

Dr. Miller: Ready?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Dr. Miller: 1…2… (She flinches on 2 this time.)

Monica: Y'know what, I'm gonna hold her head.

Rachel: Okay.

Dr. Miller: That's okay.

Monica: Okay. (Monica backs off.)

Rachel: Okay. Okay!

Dr. Miller: 1…2! (She flinches again.) (Gives up.) Y'know what? You're young; you probably don't have glaucoma.

Rachel: (really excited) Great!! It was very, very nice to meet you sir--Ow! Hey! What are you doing?! Are you crazy! (He took out that thing they use to look at people's retinas and looked at Rachel's when she was shaking his hand causing her to flinch and scream at him.)

Dr. Miller: Okay. You've got a small, minor infection in that left eye. I want you to take these drops three times a day and you'll be as good as new.

Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't-I don't put things in my eye.

Dr. Miller: Okay then, I guess we'll see you back here in three months.

Rachel: Great!

Dr. Miller: And I'll fit you for a glass eye.

Rachel: Okay, just give me the damn drops! (Grabs them and storms out.)

Monica: Dr. Miller? (She covers her right eye and reads from the chart) P E C F D.

Dr. Miller: Very good Monica! You know where they are.

Monica: I sure do! (She runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop.) (To Rachel) And you don't get one!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica, and Joey are there.]

Rachel: Y'know, I-I gotta tell ya, those eye drops are a miracle. My eye is a 100% better.

Monica: They're still in my coat.

Rachel: Damn!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey! You ready to go?

Chandler: Yeah, listen, how cold is it going to be there? Do I need a coat or will all these sweater vests be enough? (Holds up 3 of them in different colors.)

(Monica stares at him.)

Chandler: What?

Monica: I love you.

{There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}

Joey: Man, I wish Ross was coming with us! Y'know? I'm gonna miss him!

Phoebe: Thanks a lot! I just got that jerk out of my mind!

Chandler: Hey, so where are we staying? Is the movie putting us up in a big hotel suite?

Joey: Uh no, not really. It's an independent film y'know? So we don't have a real big budget. I figured I'd just stay in your room.

Chandler: I see, but once you get your first paycheck you'll be springing a big hotel suite, right? I mean, lead in a movie, they must be paying you a lot?

Joey: Oh yeah! For every dollar Shutter Speed makes, one penny of it goes right in Joey's pocket.

Chandler: So you don't get paid unless the movie makes money?

Joey: Did you not hear the plot of the movie? "She's been dead for ten years." I'm gonna be a millionaire!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

Joey: Hey!

Ross: I just wanna say good-bye to you guys and to see if you guys will place a little bet for me, huh? Twenty bucks on black 15.

Joey: You got it!

Ross: All right!

(Joey nods to Chandler, no way!)

Chandler: All right, bye-bye now!

Phoebe: Bye!

Rachel: Bye you guys!

Joey: Bye-bye!

Monica: I wanna say good-bye at the car!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Anybody want to say good-bye to me at the car?

Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.

(Pause.)

Joey: See ya! (Walks out.)

Rachel: Well, wait a minute! The puss is good! It means it's healing! (Runs after him.)

Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

Ross: Phoebe, are you, are you mad at me, or something? 'Cause if are please, tell me what it is I did!

Phoebe: Well, if you don't know I can't help you.

Ross: Well, I don't know.

Phoebe: Well, I can't help you.

Ross: Well, whatever it is I'm-I'm very, very sorry. Okay?

Phoebe: Apology accepted.

Ross: Okay. So we're, we're good?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Ross: All right. (Gets up.) I'll uh, I'll see you later, okay?

Phoebe: (quietly) Bye, fat ass.

Ross: ALL RIGHT!! Phoebe now come on! Will you please tell me what it is I did that mad you so mad at me!

Phoebe: I don't know! I don't remember!

Ross: Well if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?

Phoebe: Oh no, I am mad at you. I know that much. But, I am sorry about the fat ass thing. You actually have a very sweet little hiney.

(Ross isn't sure what to do with that comment.)

[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]

Joey: Man, I'm getting pretty tired. You're might have to take over soon.

Chandler: We've been driving for a half-hour, and you haven't looked at the road once.

Joey: Don't worry, it's out there! (Just then a horn honks and Joey quickly looks at the road.) I think I just need lunch.

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: You wanna eat? (Pulls out the twenty) My treat!

Chandler: Isn't that Ross's money?

Joey: Yeah. Okay. Ross's treat! Where do you wanna eat?

Chandler: I don't know.

Joey: Ooh, hey, I know how we can decide! All right, uh, I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. Okay? So uh, clear your mind Clear it right out! Clear it out! Clear!

Chandler: Okay!

Joey: Okay, uhh, would you rather be too wet or too dry?

Chandler: Too dry.

Joey: Do you believe in ghosts, yes or no?

Chandler: No!

Joey: Is this movie gonna be my big break?

Chandler: No!

Joey: (shocked) What?!

Chandler: Yes.

Joey: Dude you said, "No!"

Chandler: I also said, "Yes!"

Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?

Chandler: No! (Realizes) Ahhh!!!

Joey: I don't believe this!

Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.

Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!

Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!

Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.

Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.

Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.

Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?

Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!

Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.

Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!

Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!

Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!

Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.

Joey: Get out!!

Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there. Ross is trying to figure out why Phoebe's mad at him.]

Ross: Okay, are you mad at me because my hair gel smells?

Phoebe: No.

Ross: Are you angry at me because I said your handwriting is childlike?

Phoebe: No that made me feel precious.

Monica: Oh, I know! Umm, is it because he's always correcting people's grammar? Whom! Whom! Sometimes it's who!

Ross: Yeah? Sometimes it's… (Does the fist thing.)

Rachel: Oh, did you beat him at a board game? He turns into such a baby when he starts to lose.

Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)

Rachel: Eh! Stop it!

Chandler: (entering) Hey!

Monica: Chandler! What are you doing here?

Ross: Hey!

Chandler: Joey kicked me out of the car on the George Washington bridge!

All: Why?!

Chandler: I don't know! He went crazy! Y'know, we were playing that game where you-you ask a question and you answer it really fast.

Phoebe: That game should not be played without my supervision.

Chandler: Well, I don't know what mad him so mad, y'know? All I said was that uh, I didn't think this wasn't gonna be his big break, that this movie wasn't going to do anything for him, and that uh, y'know it didn't sound like a real movie--Okay, he should've pushed me off of the bridge.

Phoebe: What's in the bag?

Chandler: Oh, I figured you guys would all be mad at me. So I got you some gifts that I found on the side of the road. (Looks into the bag.) Who wants the teddy bear with one leg?

Phoebe: I do!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to apply her eye drops while Monica looks on.]

Rachel: Okay. (She tilts her head back and squeezes the eyedropper. The only problem is, it's not over her eye.)

Monica: Not even close.

Rachel: Okay, then y'know what? Help me! I need help! I can't do this!

Monica: Okay! All right! Let's do it!

Rachel: All right!

Monica: Sit down. (They sit down on the couch.)

Rachel: All right.

Monica: Put your head back.

Rachel: Yes!

Monica: All right.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Now, open your eyes.

Rachel: Okay, they are. (No they're not.)

Monica: How many fingers am I holding up? (She's not holding any up.)

Rachel: (thinks) Four.

Monica: Oh my God, I was thinking four.

Rachel: Really?!

Monica: Yes! All right, y'know what? Why don't we start with a practice run? Okay?

Rachel: Okay!

Monica: No drops!

Rachel: Great!

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: On three, 1…2…3! (Rachel turns her head on three to avoid the drops.) Now my pillow's all wet! (She was trying to fool Rachel and squeezed the eyedropper.)

Rachel: Well, well, you said it was practice!

Monica: Then why did you move?!

Rachel: Because I knew you were lying!

Monica: All right, come here! (She gets up and drags Rachel off of the couch by her legs.)

Rachel: (as she's being dragged) What are you? Monica!! Stop it!! Oh my God! Stop it! (Monica drags her totally onto the floor and on her back.)

Monica: I am going… I'm going--Turn it over! (Rachel rolled onto her stomach and Monica rolls her back.) I'm… I am going to get these drops in your eyes. (She is holding Rachel down with both hands and has the eyedropper in her mouth.)

Rachel: Oh my God! You really are freakishly strong!

(Monica starts biting on the eyedropper, spraying the fluid all over. But Rachel keeps turning her head back and forth and Monica keeps missing.)

Rachel: Monica! Stop it!

Monica: (spitting out the eyedropper) Damn! It's empty!

Rachel: Wow, y'know if Joey and Chandler walked in right now, we could make a fortune! (Monica is straddling Rachel and holding her arms down. In a rather risqué pose, at least for primetime TV.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse, Phoebe and Monica are playing cards as the phone rings.]

Phoebe: Ooh that is definitely Chandler, Joey, or Ross. (Thinks) Or-or Rachel!

Monica: (answers the phone) Hello? (Listens.) (To Phoebe) It's Joey. (Phoebe's proud of herself.) (To Joey) I'm so glad you called! Chandler told me what happened. Y'know he's really upset about it.

Joey: (on a pay phone holding a box) Not as upset as he's gonna be when he finds out what I did with his sweater vests!

Monica: What did you do to his sweater vests?

Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.

Monica: Yeah, she's here. Hold on a second. (She hands the phone to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Hey, dude!

Joey: Hey Pheebs! Listen, this wooden box keeps sliding out from under the seat. What-what is it?

Phoebe: Oh that's my grandma. (Joey holds the box away from him.) And thanks Joey she's having a really great time. (Joey is happy now.)

Chandler: (who has just entered) Is that Joey? Is that Joey? Let me talk to him! I wanna talk to him!

Phoebe: Okay Joey? Chandler's here, he was wondering… (We hear the dial tone as Joey hangs up.) Okay, I guess he ran out of change.

Chandler: Y'know, he won't even talk to me. How am I going to apologize to him if he won't even talk to me?

Monica: Well, maybe you should send him something. So that when he gets to Las Vegas he'll know that you're sorry.

Chandler: That's a good idea. I wonder where I could (Pause) get a basket of porn…

Phoebe: No, don't-don't say I'm sorry with porn!

Chandler: Really?

Phoebe: Y'know what you should send him? A cartoon of cigarettes. 'Cause that why he could trade it for protection. No. That's prison.

Ross: (entering) Okay Pheebs, I know how we're going to figure this out. Okay, clear your mind and answer the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?

Phoebe: Uh-hmm.

Ross: What do you like better flora or fauna?

Phoebe: Fauna.

Ross: Who would you rather be Simon or Garfunkle?

Phoebe: Garfunkle.

Ross: Why are you mad at me?

Phoebe: You said I was boring--Ohh!

Ross: When did I say you were boring?!

Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!

Ross: Phoebe! You and I have never played chess!

Phoebe: Oh, come on! Yes, remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! (Realizes) Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La…la…la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]

Joey: Hey-hey! Stanley! Hey-hey! You're leading man is here! Let's get to work.

Stanley: Umm, slight change of plans. We've shut down.

Joey: Wh-what?! Why?!

Stanley: It's a money thing, we don't have any.

Joey: (laughs) You're kidding right?

Stanley: No.

Joey: What?!

Stanley: It-it's probably just temporary. We're hoping to get some more money soon, so if could just uh, hang out.

Joey: Uh, hang out?! How long?

Stanley: I don't know. A week? Maybe two? The money will turn up! People will always wanna invest in movies! Hey, you're not rich are ya?

Joey: No!

Stanley: Eh, worth a shot. (Gets into his car.) Look Joey, let me know where you're staying, okay? (The car peels away.)

(I think one of the grips walk up to Joey, mainly because there's a credit for The Grip. What the heck is a grip anyway?!)

The Grip: Hey pal, are you Joey Tribbiani?

Joey: Yeah.

The Grip: These got left for ya. (He hands him a bunch of helium balloons.)

Joey: Thanks. (The grip walks away.) (Reading the card.) Congratulations on your big break.

(The rest of the crew start to drive away leaving Joey sad, alone, and holding his congratulatory balloons as the song comes up again. La-la-la. See, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain! In the desert you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La-la-la, la, la, la…)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the phone is ringing.]

Monica: (answering it) Hello?

Joey: (on phone from Vegas) Hey Monica, it's Joey!

Monica: Hey Joey! Aww, you remembered even though you're a big star!

Joey: Aw, come on! It'll be years before I forget you!

Monica: Joey, what's it like on a movie set, huh? Do you have a dressing room? Do you have a chair with your name on it?

Joey: Uh, well yeah-yeah, I've got all of that going on. Yeah, listen uh, I want you to make sure you tell Chandler that he couldn't have been more wrong! Uh-oh! I gotta go Monica, my uh, my sushi's here!

[Cut to Joey hanging up the phone in Vegas. He's wearing a Roman gladiator's uniform and goes over to join a family to pose for a picture. You see, he's apparently taken a job at Caesar's Palace.]

Joey: (to the family) Sorry about that. Thanks for waitin'.

The Husband: Okay!

Joey: Everybody smile! (The picture is taken) Okay, thanks a lot! Enjoy your stay at Caesar's! We hope it's toga-rrific! (The family leaves.) Kill me. Kill me now.

Ending Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The gang is surrounding Rachel at key positions.]

Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?

Rachel: Yep!

(As she moves to get it, Monica yells…)

Monica: Go!!

(Phoebe jumps to the floor as Ross tackles Rachel off of the couch. Chandler helps push Rachel onto the floor by jumping over the back of the couch. Phoebe grabs Rachel's head to hold it still and opens Rachel's eye as Monica jumps onto Chandler's back to administer the torture--I mean medicine.)

Rachel: What?!! Stop it! Stop it! Oh my God!

Monica: Okay! Okay! Okay! (She succeeds in getting the eye drops in and everyone climbs off of Rachel.) We'll see you in about 3 to 4 hours.